Not Meant To Be
by SweetDulcinea
Summary: Bella meets a married man named Edward, and what she anticipates to be a one time fling turns into an affair that stirs feelings she is blindsided by. The battle between heart & mind leaves them both struggling to do the right thing. AH
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.  
**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and keepingupwiththekids and reposted May 09.**

**Song: Bad Girlfriend – Theory of a Deadman**

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I met Rosalie Hale when we worked at Johnny's, a shitty little sports bar in a shitty little town where neither of us wanted to stay. It was the kind of town people would label as "good for raising a family," but for two women in their early twenties, it had little to offer. We quickly discovered that we shared an unladylike sense of humor, a sarcastic wit, and an affinity for attracting copious amounts of attention from men. We became fast friends, and I found in her a best friend and partner in crime. She was the peanut butter to my jelly or more appropriately, the vodka to my cranberry.

We didn't work at Johnny's because we enjoyed the workplace. No, it was simply for the money. Johnny had a loyal stream of customers, and that meant a reliable pay out for Rose and me. The majority of the clientele was made up of working class middle aged men and the ever present atmosphere in the bar was simply morose. Sure, an exciting Mariners or Seahawks game would get the guys fired up, but the joy never lasted. Most of those men's lives were just as dreary as the Pacific Northwest weather. Johnny himself was no different from his customers and friends. He ran a tight ship and wasn't the most pleasant boss most days, but we made great tips there – most likely because of the way we playfully flirted with the customers and added a brief ray of sunshine to their days.

We spent our nights after work at a larger neighborhood bar that stayed open late and drew a crowd that was closer to our age. That place also served my favorite microbrew and sometimes hosted local bands as live entertainment. We quickly became known as "Double Trouble" around there, and we were often told what a dangerous pair we were with our contrasting features and beauty. Rosalie was a tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed babe, while I had a softer and more innocent look with big brown eyes that matched my long chocolate hair.

Old Johnny was a douche bag, but he was as much of a sucker for our sweet talking as his customers were. With a little show of cleavage Rose and I were occasionally able to get nights off together and we spent those at dance clubs just trying to have some girly good fun. We were young, sexy party girls, and it was rare for us to pay for more than one or two of our own drinks. There always seemed to be a line of guys waiting for their chance to dance with us or cop a feel. We relished the attention and made out with our fair share of suitors, but most nights we said goodbye to the guys at last call and passed out together on Rosalie's bed. We were no angels, but I wouldn't have called us very promiscuous at the time either. We preferred to think we were more selective than the majority of people we encountered in bars and clubs because we didn't go out with the sole purpose of hooking up. There were, of course, times one of us did end up with a guy at the end of the night, but that was the exception, not the rule. I suppose you could say we were both trying to enjoy our early twenties as much as we could before real life and responsibility caught up with us.

I had recently graduated from Seattle Pacific University, and unlike many of my college friends, I didn't want to settle down right in the city. Unfortunately, I didn't quite know _what_ I wanted to do with myself, and ended up moving to the suburbs with one of my sorority sisters. I had no desire to move back in with my parents, so I figured I'd take this route for a year or so and look for a job in the meantime. Not _everyone_ finds a job in their field immediately after graduating, and I didn't see the need to put too much pressure on myself or take a job I would inevitably hate. Bartending was meant to be a temporary job to cover my expenses until I figured out what I wanted to do with myself. Rosalie, on the other hand, was a townie from a fairly large family. She was working her way through South Seattle Community College as a part-time student since her parents couldn't help her pay for much of her education. She wavered on an ultimate career choice, so she focused on her general education credits until she made a final decision.

Our lives ultimately lacked purpose for the time being other than enjoying the time we spent together and pursuing our version of happiness á la Peter Pan and The Lost Boys. Honestly, we didn't mind too much. We liked the freedom that came with our lifestyle.

Time passed and in the natural progression of life, we both found ourselves in relationships.

I had James. Rosalie had Demetri. Then Garrett. Demetri again. Then Felix. Demetri and Felix at the same time, though they didn't know that. Then just Felix.

About six months after meeting, we both wanted to quit Johnny's and move on to other jobs. The atmosphere of that place was bringing us down, and we both felt the need for a change. Rosalie continued bartending at a popular country bar nearby. We had a lot of fun the few times we'd gone line dancing there in the preceding months. Weeknights seemed to be fairly tame with patrons playing darts or pool, but Thursday through Saturday, it was a full blown line dancer's dream. Rose loved checking out guys in their tight Wrangler jeans and cowboy hats, and her charm and infectious smile kept the tips a-coming. A supermodel body didn't hurt, either.

James and I had been together for about a month when I started looking for another job. Rosalie wanted me to work with her again, but James suggested I look for a day job instead. He was concerned about me working late and having to drive home at night when drunk or over-tired drivers could be on the road. At least that's what he said, and I believed his concern at the time. I fancied him a sweet and protective boyfriend for it, but I would later realize it was his jealousy and possessiveness that wanted to keep me out of the bars.

When I met James, he was one of the many who knew me and Rosalie as "Double Trouble." He didn't stand out from the other guys in looks or personality at first, and he didn't pursue me the way most of the other guys there did. He was a bit reserved, but I still had the impression he was interested in me. Regardless, he was a good friend who never tried to take advantage of me, no matter how drunk or uninhibited I may have been. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd met a man who wasn't looking for an immediate lay other than back in high school. In the end, it was the slow build of our friendship and attraction that drew me in, and I was the one who initiated our relationship. I thought I'd found myself a true gentleman.

Once we were official, our relationship moved quickly, and it was only a matter of months before James moved in with me when my roommate moved out. We were caught up in new love, and looking back on it, I can see how that foolishly effected the decisions I made. One of those was getting a job teaching at a day care center. I had always liked kids, but it was still a tad ironic considering that my night life consisted of little more than drinking, dancing, sex, and other debauchery.

The changes in our relationship were subtle, and as more time passed I was too absorbed in James to really give them much thought. I spent less time with Rosalie, but wrote it off on account of her own love life and our conflicting work schedules. James was more of a homebody than I was and I hated to make him feel uncomfortable, so I didn't go see my parents as often, either. When James' car broke down and he couldn't afford to get it fixed right away, I just let him take mine after dropping me off at work every morning. There were other little things, like what we ate or watched, but they seemed like such trivial details they didn't cross my mind.

The truth was that I became complacent in our relationship and living arrangements. I accepted his habits and quirks as part of his personality and ignored what was really happening because I was "in love." After years of on-and-off relationships and partying, it was nice to be in something secure and stable. Unfortunately, that mindset didn't let me see the forest for the trees.

After about a year and a half together, I finally accepted that James had issues that I wasn't qualified to handle on my own. I assumed he was an undiagnosed manic depressive or something similar, but I didn't really know much about mental illness. What I did know was that he would self-medicated with pot and whatever pills he could get a hold of to make himself numb to the ever-changing emotional climate raging within his body. I never cared for the random pill popping, but the recreational toking didn't bother me all that much. I had plenty of friends who were potheads, and I was known to partake on occasion in my college years. For reasons I could not understand, James hated doctors, and I had to tread lightly when suggesting he seek professional medical treatment. I cared for him and I wanted him to be healthy, but it was often easier to just deal with his mood swings than to constantly fight about going to see the doctor.

My life became controlled in almost every way. James was constantly at my side and wanted to know every detail of my life outside of our home. He checked calls and messages on my phone, and anytime I made or received calls, he was listening and asking questions. I nearly gave up on talking to anyone other than when I was at work and he wasn't around. I barely went out anymore, and Rosalie and I drifted apart. At first she would come over and hang out or invite James and me to do things with her and whomever she was seeing at the time. He always came up with some excuse not to, thus making me feel obligated to stay home with him instead. After a while, I stopped answering her calls. I knew James would be infuriated if I did anything for myself and it would inevitably lead to another argument. I also knew that if I just did what I had to in order to appease him, he and I could enjoy our time together, so I basically became his doormat. It was easier to avoid the confrontation, even when it was at the expense of my dearest friend. I had to believe our friendship was strong enough that she would understand. It seems we often test and take advantage of those closest to us because we know they'll love us unconditionally.

Although I would never admit it to my friends or family, after a year together James and I fought nearly every day about something. After a while, it didn't matter anymore what we fought about, we just fought about everything. We were at each other's throats over the tiniest things, then we'd end up crying and apologizing with words of love before the night was over. He never hit me, but he was forceful and intimidating physically. His cruel and spiteful words did more residual harm than a smack or punch ever would. Over the course of our two years together, I had somehow become that stereotypical Lifetime movie character justifying things like, "We fight because we love each other," or "He only does that because he's afraid to lose me." Let's not forget my idiotic mentality that I had invested too much of my time in him to give up what we had because I knew part of him still loved me like he used to.

In retrospect, I can't say that I believe it was ever truly love for either of us. I think I was in love with the _idea_ of a guy who wasn't just like all the rest I'd encounter. If James ever loved me, it was quickly overshadowed and forgotten by his need to dominate me and control our lives.

Near the end, I had become exhausted with his tight grasp on my life and started spending time with Rosalie again. If James could go get high with his loser buddies anytime he wanted, I could visit my friend while he was gone. Returning home to find me not there inevitably caused more fights, but I missed my best friend too much to care about his double standards anymore. A few hours with her always made James' unfounded anger with me worthwhile, especially since he'd probably just get mad about something else eventually. What was the difference, right?

One of those nights that James was off getting high with his scumbag buddy Laurent, Rosalie and I hung out in Felix's basement watching him and his friends play foosball. A guy named Jacob served as my eye candy for the evening as my best friend and I sat behind the bar and talked. _Tall, dark, and handsome_ were the first words to come to mind. I found myself drawn to his engaging smile and dark, sparkling eyes, and Rosalie noticed. If I had been single, I would have been on that in a hot minute.

Desperate to get me away from James, Rosalie brought up the subject of Jacob whenever possible.

It didn't seem to be necessary, though. Two weeks later, James went off on a three day bender without one phone call home, and when his number finally appeared on my caller ID I made my stand. I can't pinpoint a single reason why it took me so long, but I was unspeakably grateful for what snapped inside of me. I had a lot of time to think in those three long days, and I knew that enough was enough. It wasn't the first time I'd thought about ending our relationship; I had been unhappy for months. The more time I spent away from James, the more I realized what I needed to do. I just wasn't sure how to do it until that point. I feared his reaction, and I honestly wasn't sure if he would get violent if I broke up with him face to face. Breaking up over the phone is a shitty thing to do to someone, but under the circumstances it was what I had to do. A little time away from James' constant grasp helped me realize that I wasn't Bella anymore, rather a shell of the gregarious young woman I used to be. Simply put, that was unacceptable, and I was ready to take control of my life again.

James didn't accept the break up without a lot of yelling, name-calling, crying, begging, threats and middle-of-the-night phone calls, but I held my ground. My friends and family were a great support system, and I had a feeling they had all been anxiously awaiting the end of that relationship. I had the locks changed, arranged for his things to be picked up by a family member, and spent most of my free time at Rosalie's house for several weeks. I also carried pepper spray everywhere I went just in case. Surprisingly, I managed not to see James at all, and I hoped I never would again. It would just be easier that way. I'm pretty sure the threat of a restraining order kept him at bay; he knew my father was a retired police officer.

I celebrated my freedom with Jacob as my eager and willing rebound guy. It only took one night out at a club and we were all over each other on the dance floor. On the way home, we feverishly made out in the backseat of Felix's car. Within a week, he was my new fuck buddy. Lordy, did that feel great after months of no sexual appetite with James. Jacob's affection reminded me what it was like to be desired, and my self-confidence resurfaced in the time we spent together.

Rosalie and I were back to our old selves together in no time, and I felt like a real woman again, not someone's pet. I'm not sure I would have handled it all so well without her. I embraced the self I had pushed aside when James came into my life. I redefined myself with the confidence and liberation I had lacked for the last two years. I went where I wanted, did what I wanted, and spent time with people who lavished me with the compliments and attention I needed to rediscover myself.

My sexuality was my power, something I had lost with James. Something I now thrived on. I was finally in control and living my life for me, no questions asked, and I felt happy in a way I hadn't been in many months.

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The night I met Edward Cullen was just another night of short skirts and barstools for Rosalie and I, though we had chosen a new location for the evening.

It was a Tuesday, and a bar with a cheap luau theme hosted karaoke that night. A few drinks into the evening, Rosalie and I were on stage, belting out some country girl power anthem. We giggled, shook our asses and winked at the men who howled at the particle board stage where we swayed. Just a few more strokes on the egos she and I had so carefully tailored.

Though I didn't know his name at the time, I couldn't take my eyes off Edward when he walked up to the stage and sang a drool-worthy Pearl Jam cover. He was the single most gorgeous creature I had ever laid eyes on, and the singing only enticed me more. His voice was buttery smooth, but still possessed a gritty tone that reminded me of Aaron Lewis. A few glances around the brightly decorated bar confirmed that I wasn't the only patron enthralled with the captivating man or his performance. I unconsciously ran my fingers through my long, dark locks, imagining the feel of his perfectly messy mop of penny colored hair. It stuck out in all the right places, providing a striking contrast to the deep green eyes I could see even from our seats at the bar. His toned arms were laced with tattoos, and I could see others peeking out from the V cut in his gray shirt. I yearned to see the rest of the ink beneath his clothes. When he hopped off the makeshift stage and made his way back to the bar, his shirt stretched across his torso to highlight his evenly muscled form. He was the epitome of sex on legs.

Rosalie and I remained perched at the bar, but I continued stealing glances at Eddie Vedder, as I'd appropriately dubbed him. Rose joked that the ridiculously sexy definition of his chiseled features was going to give her a "jawgasm," which only served to draw my attention to his luscious, lickable lips. He didn't seem to be with anyone as he drifted through the crowd, but he stopped and talked to a number of people with ease as if he knew them.

In a moment of weakness, Rosalie called Demetri and invited him to join us. She had a terrible habit of always going back to him. He tried to act like a player, but when it came to my best friend, he would take any piece of her he could get.

To my surprise and delight, Eddie Vedder apparently knew Demetri, and wandered over to the area of the bar where we were sitting. I laughed to myself when he introduced himself as Edward, and he eventually got me to admit I had referred to him as Eddie Vedder after seeing him on stage. He took that as a compliment, and claimed the stool next to me that Rose had been sitting in before Demetri arrived.

We fell into easy conversation, mostly commenting on all the karaoke stars of the night.

"You and your friend were pretty good up there," he said with a sincere smile after we commented on the current performer.

"Oh, thanks," I replied simply. I found it difficult to take a compliment from him when he was gazing at me with those amazing green eyes.

They were unlike anything I had ever seen, and it was a bit hypnotizing. The full color of his eyes was the undeniably vibrant green I had seen from across the room, but up close there was more to it. The innermost part of his irises surrounding his pupils weren't green, but a beautiful shade of blue. I would almost call it a turquoise or teal, and it blended easily into the greener coloring on the outer ring. While subtle from several feet away, the blend of color was both shocking and mesmerizing as close together as we were. I found it nearly impossible to look away from the most dazzling set of eyes I'd ever seen.

"You two were really cute," he added, interrupting my reverie. "But since I sang a solo for you, I think you should go do one for me."

"You didn't sing that _for me_," I countered quickly, but the instant blush on my cheeks betrayed my playful comeback.

He mumbled something I couldn't quite hear and then continued. "I still think you should. Please?" he asked with a smile that made a swell of heat rush through me.

I found myself powerless against his will, so I nodded and slid down off my stool. It wasn't alcohol affecting me that night, it was simply _him_. I gave in, and made my way back to the stage where I performed an enthusiastic rendition of one of my favorite chick rock songs. It was upbeat and playful enough for me to feign confidence in his unnerving presence, and I was rewarded with his approving smiles and cheers.

As the song faded out I bowed like a theater major and then skipped back toward my friends. Rosalie gave me a quick hug, and when I went to sit, Edward had turned our stools so that we sat face to face. Once I was seated and comfortable, he scooted himself closer so that our knees pressed against each other. My exposed legs made an easy resting place for his hands. We smiled at one another, but didn't speak. I could see excitement and desire in his charming stare, and I returned it without hesitation. I was drawn to him in a way that was undeniably deeper than physical attraction, yet I couldn't put a finger on what it was between us. I was sure he could feel it, too, but his soft caress on my knee suddenly stopped and he looked away from me. His entire body stiffened, and I nervously straightened my posture in return.

"Is something…" I began, but he cut me off.

"I'm married, so don't get the wrong idea," he told me bluntly. He stared off at some far wall and wouldn't meet my eyes.

His statement caught me off guard, and I stopped breathing momentarily. I looked down and noticed the wedding band on his left hand for the first time. I blamed the alcohol for missing it before that moment. To say I was overcome by my chagrin was an understatement. He had obviously been coming onto me since he came over to speak to Demetri, but he hadn't mentioned that "little" detail until almost an hour later. He was the one who had approached me. The one who had bought me a drink. The one inching his fingers up my bare thigh in a very public place.

I looked back up at him and the fog of my confusion lifted when our eyes met once more. That delicious green and blue burned into me, and I realized that his confession was a test. His hands returned to stroking my milky skin, and his expression was filled with lust. His words challenged me to be sensible and stop this runaway train we were on, but his body urged me to proceed. I could not think of anyone I had ever been this attracted to in all my life; not a crush, an ex-boyfriend or even any handsome celebrity. Not even that hot British actor who I now realized bore a striking resemblance to Edward.

I chose to respond to the ministrations of his long and torturous fingers, not his words.

Much to my delight, he flashed me a delicious crooked smile as he continued.

He peaked under my barely-there denim skirt and complimented the red boy short panties I wore. He placed his hand on mine and whispered in my ear.

"Let's get out of here," he purred in a tone that was both husky and velvet soft. It was reminiscent of his singing and I felt powerless against it, so I did what he requested of me. It's not as if I went unwillingly.

His mouth attacked mine as soon as we were out of bar. Moving toward his car, we groped each other with passion and fury in every touch.

"No, my car," I panted, pulling my lips away from his momentarily.

"What? Why?" he asked as he straightened a little to look down at me.

"Umm, this probably sounds a little backwards, but I don't even know you. I'm not driving off with you to be left without a way back." I hated thinking that way, so my words came out quiet and fast.

He leaned in and lavished my neck with hot kisses. "You can trust me. And we don't have to go anywhere."

"Hell no!" I pulled back again. "I will _not_ screw in the parking lot of a crowded bar."

"No, you're right. You're right," he nodded. "How far away is your place?"

"It's more than 20 minutes from here," I frowned.

"Damn," he conceded. He ceased kissing me to consider our options, but his hands continued to run up and down my sides as if that would give him an idea faster. I was grateful he held our connection that way. After a moment, he made another suggestion. "I have an idea. It's not necessarily private, but it's out of the public eye."

I furrowed my brows at his cryptic statement and mischievous smile, but I was so keyed up that I was willing to take almost any viable option at that point.

"There's a park a couple streets away from here. It'll be completed deserted," he told me with a hopeful grin.

All rational thought escaped me in that moment wrapped up in Edward's strong, inked arms. I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted a man. My body needed his. _Now._

"Let's go," I agreed. "But I'm driving."

"We can take your car, but I'm driving. You've had more to drink than I have."

I didn't waste anymore time arguing. I tossed him the keys and raced for the passenger side door of my car.

Feeling incredibly licentious and desperate for immediate gratification, I fucked him in the dugout of a baseball field at the park. It was frenzied and hot as I straddled him on the wooden bench, but none of the aesthetics mattered as our bodies connected and sought release. It wouldn't have mattered if we were in a suite at the Waldorf-Astoria because in those moments together, the only thing I could focus on were Edward's piercing eyes and the way his body moved in and against mine. The intensity of it all was almost overwhelming.

I'd never felt so empowered or uninhibited in my life. My ego roared like a victorious predator within me. In the few months since my breakup with James, I had committed myself to being strong, sexy, and confident – all things that loser had taken away from me bit by bit. Claiming Edward's body and mind sexually gave me an incredible sense of naughty pride. I knew I could have my pick of almost any single man I pursued, but a _married_ man was different. Something about me made him break the vows of his marriage to be with _me_. Even if it was just this once. He may or may not have done it before, but that didn't matter to me in the moment. The instant sexual chemistry between us outweighed that. He was gorgeous, and I had one-upped a woman who had no idea she was my competition.

There was some kind of spark between us, but I didn't really _care_ about Edward. I didn't even know him, so how could I? I didn't care about his nameless wife, and after that, I wondered if he did.

I should have felt some sort of shame or remorse as he drove us back to the bar and my best friend, but I didn't. I was too busy reeling in my newfound sexual glory. I had never considered this kind of thing an option before, so I had never considered how it would make me feel. In truth, being with any random married man was quite unappealing, but having Edward was something that held a precarious duality. I wanted him before I knew he was married and in spite of his marital status. Afterward, however, I was overtaken by this twisted sense of accomplishment. It hadn't fueled my actions, but it most definitely added to my pleasure.

I came to the jolting realization that in spite of the swell of power and control these circumstances garnered, they also left me vulnerable to my attraction to Edward, and that was not acceptable. Although I gave him my phone number when he asked for it, I forced myself to banish any thought of him from my mind. I truly didn't expect to ever hear from him again, and I was fine with that. It was for the best for both of us.

Two weeks later he surprised me. He wanted to see me. He _missed_ me. Was that possible?

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_Red thong, Party's on, Love this song, sing along.  
Come together, leave alone, see you later back at home  
No one really knows if she's drunk or is she's stoned  
But she's coming back to my place tonight. I say  
No one really knows just how far she's gonna go,  
But I'm gonna find out later tonight_

**_Theory of a Deadman_**

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**Endnotes: Cheating – not good. It is selfish & stupid. B&E are not in love right here, so they're acting according to their own wants. Hold tight, it's a bumpy ride =)  
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	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and keepingupwiththekids and reposted May 09.**

**Song: Secret – Maroon 5**

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"He wants to see me again," I blurted out. My best friend stared at me blankly.

"Who wants to see you again?" Rosalie asked.

"Edward."

"Which one's Edward?" she asked absentmindedly.

"The married guy. From karaoke night," I clarified.

Rosalie rolled over to face me, propping herself up on her elbow. "Married guys can be fun," she said casually.

"Huh?" It was the only response I could manage.

Edward had asked to see me again and before I could really think it over, I had tentatively agreed. I had told myself it was better to just let this guy go and move on, but he had other plans, apparently. Hearing his voice again set something off inside of me. Over the two weeks between the time we met and the day he called, I had worked hard to push all thoughts of Edward out of my mind. The time allowed me to forget the finer details of his face and the seductive inflection of his words whispered in my ear, but a single phone call sent my walls crashing down like Jericho. I truly did not expect to hear from him, so the surprise of his call did definite damage to my resolve. A few simple moments on the phone reignited the fire he lit in me when we first met. I didn't mean to tell him yes or even maybe, but the words slipped past my lips before my brain could catch up and think sensibly.

Immediately after ending that phone call I got in my car, seeking solace in the one person I knew wouldn't judge me no matter what. Rosalie and I were able to be blunt and honest with each other when it came to all the sordid details of our lives and thoughts. We may not have been the picture of chastity and virtue, but we always accepted each other for who we were, faults and all. I treasured her friendship every day, and I would be eternally indebted to Rosalie for her loyalty.

"It's fun," she smiled. "You know, the whole sneaking around thing leads to some pretty hot sex."

I stared at her, completely perplexed. "You've dated a married guy before?"

Suddenly, Rosalie was on her back again, laughing hysterically and kicking her legs against her mattress. Her black lab, Harley, jumped up from her position in between us and started to bark.

"Bella, why do you think Felix got a divorce?"

"Really?" I shrieked in a ridiculously girly manner. "I knew he was married before, but you can't be saying that..."

Rose's head flopped to the right against her pillow and she rolled her eyes at me. "Yep, he was married when we met, and, well, the rest is history now."

My jaw was hanging open like an idiot. I shook my head back and forth, trying to make sense of this new wealth of information.

"Seriously? How did I miss that?" I asked, wide eyed.

She sighed. "It was during your James period. When did I have the chance to explain all the details?"

I inwardly groaned at the reminder of the two years I'd wasted with James. I had cut myself off from practically everyone in my life at that time, and there were still so many details about Rosalie's life back then that I didn't know. When I should have been by her side, I was living like a hermit with a man who criticized me in the same breath that he told me he loved me.

"Oh, right." A hint of shame laced my words. My tone was much more reasonable now. "I'm so sorry, Rose. I should have been there for you. I was such a friggin idiot."

"Hey, enough of that shit. We all date our share of assholes and losers. Even I liked James in the beginning. You just had to come around in your own time. There's no sense dwelling on it now. I survived, and you can see that I managed just fine." Her smile reassured me, even though I still felt a massive swell of guilt for deserting her for my loser ex. I had stayed with James for far too long, even when all my friends and family were begging me to get out of that relationship.

"So, okay, tell me what happened with Felix," I said, flipping onto my stomach. "I knew he was divorced, but he got divorced for you? Rose, that's crazy!"

She proceeded to tell me about her relationship with her current boyfriend, from the beginning, sparing no details. I grabbed a pillow to prop me up and settled in as she began the story.

"It all started when Demetri and I were on one of our breaks." I rolled my eyes because she and Demetri had always been in an on and off relationship. She smirked, as if saying _I know, I know_ before she continued. "So I met Garrett one night when I was out with my cousin, and we started to hang out. You already know that whole situation was short lived when Demetri decided he wanted to be 'on' again, but one of the nights I was with Garrett he took me over to Felix's house. That was the first time I met all the guys, and I also met Felix's wife. She was friendly enough, but a little detached from the group, you know? She didn't fit in with all of them the way you and I do. I didn't really talk to her all that much, and she didn't make much effort with me, either. After that Demetri and I were back to hooking up again, but not really dating or anything official."

"The usual," I chimed in.

"Right," she agreed. "A couple months later or something, I was working on a weeknight and Felix came in with a group of guys I didn't know and they all sat down at the bar. I recognized him, but I couldn't place his face. I didn't know any of the guys he was with, so I couldn't figure it out at first. They went back and forth between the bar and the pool tables for a while, and it really started bugging me that I couldn't remember where I knew him from. I was sure that he recognized me, too, because he kept looking over at me from his group, but he never said anything to me.

"After a while, he left his friends and came to sit at the bar. I got him a beer and went off to fill some other orders. Finally, it was too much and I had to figure out how I knew him. I walked over and stood right in front of his seat. He laughed at me a little and said, 'You don't remember me, do you?' I told him I recognized him, but couldn't remember otherwise. That's when he reminded me that I'd been to his house before, and it all came back to me."

I didn't interrupt her story, but I readjusted my position a little and kept my eyes on her so that she would go on. I'd never heard all these details before, and it was strange to _not_ know something like this about Rosalie.

Her story continued with more enthusiasm. I knew things would start getting more interesting from here. "His friends, who turned out to be some guys Felix worked with, came and went from the bar for the rest of the night, but he stayed there as I served him beers and shots. We talked in between me helping other customers, and it made my night go by really fast. By the time it was last call, all of his friends had taken off, and he was in no shape to drive. Since I did sort of know him already, I offered to give him a ride home after I closed up.

"In the car, I asked him why a married man was out at the bar so late on a work night. Apparently, that opened the flood gates because he just went off on this fucked up story about his wife. He was still talking by the time we got to his neighborhood, so he told me to park around the corner from his house in case his wife looked outside. He said she probably wouldn't wake up, but he didn't want to deal with explaining getting a ride from me if she did.

"Long story short, he told me that their marriage had been in the gutter for a while. They got married when they were, like, twenty because they were high school sweethearts."

"Wait. Remind me how old he is now," I interrupted.

"Twenty-nine," she answered.

"Okay, thanks. Go on," I encouraged her.

"All right, so they'd been married for a while, and one day he was on the computer and found an email account open. It wasn't her regular account and he saw a long line of emails from the same address. Curiosity got the best of him, and he started reading them. Basically, she had an internet boyfriend who she was exchanging all kinds of pictures with and talking to all the time. He was totally creeped out and understandably betrayed."

I interrupted again. "What was his wife's name? So I don't get confused."

"Oh, Melinda. Ugh," she answered with a scrunched-nose expression of disgust.

"Thanks."

"So Felix confronted her about it right away and she totally freaked. She knew she had no right to get pissed at him for looking through everything because she was basically cheating. She said she never met the guy in person and she was lonely because Felix worked all the time and that this internet guy didn't mean anything to her. She erased all her email accounts and chat applications from the computer, and she even changed her phone number. She begged Felix not to leave her, blah, blah, blah.

"He said things were rough after that, but they'd been together for so long that he felt obligated to give their marriage a chance. He told me things were a rollercoaster with them since that happened, but he wasn't really happy. I just sat there and listened and tried to be sympathetic. I mean, how fucked up is that situation?"

"Really fucked up," I agreed. "An internet boyfriend? That's just kind of creepy, right? How did she know he wouldn't post her nakey pictures all over the internet?" I shuddered at the thought, and Rosalie did the same.

"Gross! Okay, so back to that night. He finished telling me all of that and said thanks for listening, but that he needed to go. Then, kind of out of nowhere he kissed me. I mean, I thought he was hot, but I wasn't really in that frame of mind, you know? It surprised me, but I liked it."

"I bet you did," I teased her. That seemed to lighten her mood, and she proceeded with the story, talking a little faster.

"He came back to the bar about a week later and we talked for a little while, and then he asked for my phone number. After that, things just sort of started happening quickly. He'd call and we'd talk, and he'd come into the bar and see me. He was really sweet to me, and I liked the attention. Demetri was still around, of course, but I was getting so sick of his crap by then that it just made Felix look even better to me. I mean, I knew he was married, but we made a connection.

"Things escalated, and we started fooling around. The sneaking around kind of made it more exciting, but I also liked him enough that I didn't feel bad about it. I knew he wasn't happy anymore, even if he was still with her. I guess I thought after all he told me that he would leave his wife, but he never did. That's when it really started to suck. There I was, pouring my time and emotions into him like a girlfriend, but in reality I was just the other woman. We started fighting about that, and after a few months, I gave up and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He was just so complacent, and I hated it."

That made me remember something that had happened while I was still with James. "Is that why you changed your phone number?" I asked.

"Yeah, I was trying to get him to leave me alone after I broke things off – which sucked, by the way – and he wouldn't stop calling me, so I got a new number."

"Okay, so you ended it and he didn't want you to; is that when he left his wife?" I inquired, trying to get the full picture.

"Oh no!" she said with a loud laugh. She shook her head in time with her humored reaction and her golden hair swayed back and forth with the motion. "Four or five weeks went by and I didn't hear anything from him. Of course Demetri was in the picture again…or still, I don't know. You understand how that goes. Anyway, one night after closing up at the bar, I went out to the parking lot and there Felix was, leaning on my car and looking all sad and smug at the same time.

"I was so pissed that he would come there to find me, but part of me was really excited to see him, too. The attraction hadn't gone away, of course. So he grabbed me and kissed me and the next thing I knew, we were in the backseat of my car having wild and crazy animal sex!"

I burst out laughing immediately. "Wild and crazy animal sex?" I howled. "Now that's romantic!"

"It wasn't romantic, but it was hot!" she conceded. "Now may I continue or do you need another minute?" she asked with a pointed glare.

"No, no. Go on," I insisted. I sucked my lips in between my teeth to keep myself from laughing or smiling any more.

"I really couldn't help myself, but I sent him home right after that. Since he didn't have my phone number and I didn't want him stalking me at the bar every time I worked, I decided to call him a couple nights later. He told me how he wasn't happy without me in his life and how much the last month had sucked for him. There was a whole bunch of other stuff, but you get the gist of it all. More or less, he was saying he wanted me back, but I knew things couldn't be the same between us. I knew that as long as I didn't give in to him again I would have the upper hand. Not once did he say he was going to leave his wife, so I told him we could be friends – just friends.

"I wasn't going to tell him to leave his wife because that kind of thing needed to be his decision to make, but I made it clear that there would be no sex so long as they were still together. He tried to tell me that they didn't fuck anymore, but I told him that wasn't the point.

"After a couple weeks, he realized I was serious, and he told me that he wanted me and only me and he would end the marriage. All those feelings were still there, and I wanted to be with him, but it was weird to feel sort of responsible for that kind of thing."

"But he was already unhappy," I offered.

"Yeah," she agreed, staring off at the wall. "It's not like I went into things thinking that I wanted to break up his marriage or anything. It all just sort of happened. Like I said, parts of it were really fun, but it was hard on him at the same time. He tried telling her that he wanted a divorce, but she kept refusing and saying they could work things out. I couldn't get in the middle of it, so I just had to sit back and watch it all happen.

"His tactics turned a little unsavory after that," Rosalie said. Her cheeks flushed at the memory, and I felt myself get a little nervous as I waited to hear how it all went down. "Basically, he decided that if she wouldn't take his request seriously, he would show her that he didn't want her anymore. He stayed out with his friends all the time or came and hung out at the bar whenever I worked. I didn't know it at the time, but he used the song _Closer_ by Nine Inch Nails as my ringtone on his phone. He would leave our texts in his phone and leave it lying around, just hoping she'd go snoop and see something."

"And it worked," she sighed. "She got curious about the ringtone, and she looked through Felix's phone. She flipped out on him, of course, and he not so nicely told her that he had cheated. Honestly, I'm glad I don't know the details of that fight because he sort of made me the scapegoat, but in the end it served its purpose for us to be together."

"You seriously don't care that he admitted you were part of the reason for their divorce?" I asked curiously.

"Yes and no. He wasn't happy before I came along anyway, so I'm sure he would have left one way or another. Plus it was true. I had been involved with him knowing that he was married. Extenuating circumstances or not, he wasn't lying to her. I guess I just chalk it all up as a means to an end. It's in the past now."

"Wow, Rose. That's…crazy. I suppose you have handled it the best way you could."

"Yeah, I suppose so," she told me with a sincere smile. "No more back and forth with Demetri. Okay, so I did call him that night you met Edward, but I'm not doing anything with him anymore. I just miss that friendship. That's not the point, though. Let me get back to the rest of Felix's story."

"All right, go on," I said.

"After the big fight, his wife went nuts. She trashed the house and broke a whole bunch of his shit and then she took a knife and slashed up all the furniture and beds. Isn't that crazy? Oh, and she keyed the hell out of his car!"

"Damn! Talk about walking away gracefully," I laughed incredulously.

"Seriously," Rosalie agreed. "She moved in with her mom, and that's all she wrote. Well, other than getting the divorce taken care of and all that, but those details aren't worth rehashing."

"Nah," I shook my head.

"After that, we finally got to be together!" she said, looking rather relieved to get to this part of their story. "It felt so good not to have to sneak around or hold back on what we wanted anymore because, believe me, he tried _very_ hard to break my whole no-sex-just-friends thing. Granted, we had a whole mess of her issues to deal with for a while, but it was literally like he was a captive set free once it all happened.

"Demetri's always been my comfort zone, and even with all our bullshit, we had our history that kept us coming back together. I think that's why I couldn't completely let him go at first after Felix's wife took off. But Felix is different from Demetri in so many ways. He's new – even now – and different and exciting! And I'm happy now, Bella."

"I know you are, babe. That is like, the story of all stories. I can't believe you had to deal with all of that without me," I said softly. "I'm sorry."

Rosalie wasn't pleased with me apologizing _again_, so she punched me in the arm and pushed me off the bed.

I slammed onto the floor, laughing hysterically and she rolled down on top of me to join the giggle fest. Harley joined in with a series of yelps and licks on our faces.

When we finally recovered I sat up and leaned against her dresser. Rosalie was across from me with her back to the bed and Harley's head lying in her lap.

"So you think I should go for it?" I asked.

"Why not, Bells? Have some fun, just make sure you know where you stand. If it's just about the sex, keep it that way. But if you start feeling something for him you need to reassess and decide if you can handle that."

"Okay," I nodded. A huge evil grin spread across my face. "Just for sex. Hot, crazy, mind-blowing sex with a tattooed Adonis. I'm in!"

Rosalie threw Harley's tennis ball at me. "Slut!"

I shielded myself with my arms, but Harley had already bounded over and jumped on me. I patted her down and laughed. "I guess I'm learning from the original."

Rosalie laughed at that, even though she was the butt of my joke.

"When did we become such amoral whores?" I teased.

"I don't know," she said with a wicked smile. "But it's good times, ay? Consider it our public service to the men of the Greater Seattle area!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rosalie's story about everything that happened with Felix really gave me a lot to think about, but at the same time their circumstances were dramatically different from mine. Felix's marriage was already a mess and he wanted to get out of it. In that time, he met Rosalie, and she helped him realize he needed to act or things would keep going on and on. Rosalie and Felix _wanted_ to be together, they just had to overcome some obstacles to get there.

My situation was different. I wasn't romantically interested in Edward Cullen, he was just someone fun…and dead sexy. We had some serious sexual chemistry, and I wanted to explore that. All I had to do was keep it simple and everything would be fine.

I called Edward back later that evening and made plans to do something with him the next night.

We decided to meet in the mall parking lot. It was a halfway point between our neighboring towns and an inconspicuous place to leave my car. He took me over to his friend Mike's house where we wouldn't have to worry about being seen together in public. His smile during the car ride was drool worthy, and he held my hand as he drove. I hadn't expected that, but I welcomed it. He briefly explained that Mike knew his wife, but was "cool" with our circumstances. When we arrived at the house, I was definitely surprised. It was set back on a long driveway and surrounded by trees, making it invisible from the road. The property held an enormous tan brick house with an even larger detached garage. Parked next to the side of the garage was a semi trailer emblazoned with colorful graphics and logos.

"Umm..." I mumbled when we pulled up. I knew Edward could see the question in my eyes.

"Mike owns several monster trucks. I come over and help tune them up every so often." Right, Edward had mentioned that he owned a garage in one of the neighboring towns.

After gawking at the house and huge yard surrounded by tall trees, Edward and I went inside to meet Mike.

Describing Mike was difficult. Some words that come to mind included _awkward_, _desperate_, and _dorky_. I'd guess that Mike was edging his way toward forty, but he dressed like a college boy. He was an obvious bachelor, and I couldn't help but see why. I just couldn't find anything physically attractive about the guy. Sure, he was friendly and nice enough, but it was quite obvious that he tries too hard with people. At least he had his success.

The way Mike looked at me made me feel a little uncomfortable. I made it a point to never be alone with him. If Edward left the room to go to the bathroom or get another drink, I'd wander away from Mike, pretending to admire something else in his unnecessarily lavish home. I kept close to Edward as much as possible, which he didn't really seem to mind. I'm not sure if he realized the duality of my affection, though.

After touring the house and getting to know Mike a little bit, we all went down to the basement to play pool. The game room down there was pretty impressive. A pool table sat directly in the middle of the room, and a fully stocked bar covered the far wall. Near the stairwell side there was an air hockey table and behind it was a huge fish tank full of exotic creatures.

We took turns playing pool and mixing drinks while listening to an awesome rock mix on the professional sound system that was wired through the house. After about an hour Mike left us alone to go upstairs and finish some work – or so he said. It seemed to me that he was more than likely just giving Edward and I some time alone together. We finished our game after Mike was gone and laid our cues on the table. When I turned around, Edward pressed himself against me, pushing my backside against the ledge in front of the side pocket. We had been playful and affectionate throughout the evening, but this was the first private moment we had together. My stomach fluttered with anticipation.

"Hi," he whispered, smiling down on me. The sexy, sultry timbre of his voice sent a delicious tingle up my spine.

"Hey," I breathed back at him. My lips curled up into a smile, which continued to grow as our contact increased.

I threw my arms over his shoulders as his snaked around my waist, drawing our bodies completely together. It wasn't intentional, but I heard myself giggle as he smiled into my lips and initiated a soft kiss. It was surprisingly tender and sweet at first. His lips caressed mine and his hands ran up and down my back, sliding under my shirt. The feel of his skin on mine sent my heart racing with anticipation and my lips parted naturally. As our kiss deepened, I could feel his excitement build. He didn't need to press his hips into mine for me to notice, but he did anyway.

His attention moved to my jaw, placing open and closed mouth kisses across my burning flesh. I would surely implode if he stopped, and that thought alone was enough to elicit a raw moan from the back of my throat.

"Fuuuuuuck," he groaned in response. My reaction had obviously affected him, and our actions became frenzied.

We took turns peeling each other's clothes off, taking time to kiss and touch every bit of exposed skin we could find. I kept my eyes open as much as I could, even though each sensation he stirred in me called for my head to tip back and close them. I was enjoying the opportunity to take in his magnificently muscled pecs and six-pack abs. I took the time to admire the placement and art of each of his tattoos, as well. Since our first encounter had been in a public place, we weren't completely stripped down, and most of them were new to me.

Still leaning against the pool table, Edward kept one hand on the small of my back while the other slid down my side and brushed against my thigh. His fingertips traced little circles inward and teased back and forth with light touches on the most sensitive part of my legs. I kissed him furiously because it was not possible to get enough. Each breath that passed between us was ragged and heavy like an animal panting after the chase. He pulled his lips off mine and kept our foreheads pressed together so we were staring into each other's eyes. The brilliant green consumed me almost as much as his agile fingers lingering so close to my burning core. Locked in his gaze, he slid his hand into place and gave me the most incredible crooked half smile I'd ever seen. I gasped at the touch I'd been craving, and he groaned in kind when he felt me clench around his fingers and shift my hips forward.

Moments later he was lifting me onto the table, licking and sucking at my chest and stomach. I had to push our pool cues aside to lie down, and as I did he reached down to his discarded jeans to get a condom.

I tried to catch my breath as I waited for him, and my whole body burned with desire. Overcome with the need to feel him in every way possible, it seemed like hours before he was pressing me down against the green tabletop and sliding into me. There was a moment of instant relief in our bond, but it was briskly replaced with an ache for more.

"So hot and wet for me," he mused reverently.

"Uuhhh, yes," I cried out as I pressed my hands into his ass to keep him close and deep.

As he pulsed over me, my back arched and I pulled him in further. I could hardly stifle my moans, which grew louder with each hard thrust. He kept putting his hand over my mouth to muffle the sounds of my pleasure, but the thrill of Edward commanding me in the heat of the moment only turned me on more. I understood his motivation, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was too overcome with pleasure and lust to concern myself with such things. Surely Mike knew what we were doing in his basement, with or without my personal soundtrack to go along with it.

As he brought me closer to the edge, each move he made became faster and harder. Caught up in the moment of passion, I dug my fingertips into his shoulder blades. Edward slowed his pace and pulled back from me, looking into my eyes again.

"No nails," he panted.

"Sorry," I said with a brief frown, realizing why that act of passion was off limits.

The opportunity to over think what had just happened was eliminated when he grabbed my arms and roughly pinned my wrists over my head.

_Yes! Dominate me!_

I writhed beneath him for encouragement to continue. "I'm so close. Make me come for you," I both demanded and begged.

Still hypnotizing me with a sparkling gaze, he resumed his speed until I was on the verge. I wrapped my legs around him tighter, locking them at my ankles, and whispered my deepest desires for him to reach his release with me. Our eyes only left one another when he crushed his mouth against mine to quiet my cries of pleasure. Moments after my climax began he drove into me with a loud grunt, holding himself against the slickness he had created while his entire body stiffened. A minute passed, and he relaxed, kissing me tenderly and pressing deeper a few more times before collapsing on top of me. His hot breath tickled as he lay panting in my ear. I smiled and kissed his shoulder.

When his breathing had finally evened out, he pushed himself up onto his elbows and stared down at me. He was still inside of me and I didn't try to separate us. I wasn't ready for our bond to be broken just yet. The look on his face was almost one of, what was it? Confusion, maybe? That was definitely a post-coitus first for me, and it made me feel a little nervous and uneasy.

"My god, Bella, you are amazing!" he whispered in a husky tone.

_Apparently my sexual prowess leaves men disoriented and confused. That's awesome!_

I giggled a little, and pressed my hands against his chest to push him back. "I was just thinking the same thing about you."

His lips rested against my forehead briefly, then he hopped down off the table and retrieved my clothes from the floor. He handed them to me as I slid off the table and I pulled them on quickly. As he reached for his shirt I stopped him.

"Wait," I said, staring at his bare chest. He was only in boxers and jeans. "I want to look at your tattoos." He tossed his tee shirt onto the table, obliging me.

I ran my hands over each one, turning him around like a mannequin as I caressed every inch of skin on his muscular torso. There were at least a dozen tattoos I could see. His left arm was covered in a half sleeve. As I traced the outline of each, I could feel the invisible raised lines they had created.

"Tell me about them," I requested. There were animals, symbols, Celtic designs, ornate flowers, words, and letters.

He agreed with a nod. "See this one?" he asked as he turned his back to me and looked over his shoulder. His right hand wrapped around him and he pointed toward a detailed fish on his left shoulder blade.

"Koi," I acknowledged.

"Yeah. That was my first one. My dad let me get it when I was seventeen."

"Really?" I asked. I had to admit I was a little surprised. Most parents aren't thrilled about their teenagers getting tattoos. For his dad to allow it while Edward was still a minor, they must have a unique relationship.

"Yep," he popped the P at the end. "My dad was always working on his koi ponds in our yard when I was a kid. I would sit for hours and watch him dig and run water lines through the yard, or plant gardens around them. He was always changing and improving them. When I was old enough, he let me help and it kind of became our thing. When we weren't working on them, we would spend hours sitting near the ponds just watching the fish. I actually put my own pond in at my house last year."

Hearing that story was a really unique insight into Edward's life, and it was nice to see the reminiscent smile that graced his beautiful face as he told me about the tattoo and his interest.

"Another story, please," I asked sweetly. My palms were splayed out against his chest now, rubbing up and down over his torso as I waited for the next description.

We stayed there for a long time like that, me running my fingers across each tattoo as he told me the story that corresponded with it. After about five or six descriptions, I traced three small letters that sat alone beside his left hip.

"What are these letters?" I asked, carelessly lost in thought.

"They're my son's initials," he answered.

"Son? You have a son? You didn't tell me you had kids." I didn't realize it right away, but my hands had dropped from his hips and my arms now wrapped around my chest. That was news to me, and I suddenly felt a little cold and nervous.

"Sure I did," he said with a crooked smile.

"No, you didn't. I would have remembered that." _Wouldn't I? Yes, I would, I'm sure I would._

He stepped forward filling the gap I had created between us, and took my hand.

"Well, I thought I did, but does that change anything?" he asked.

I considered his question for a moment. "I guess not…but I would have liked to know before."

"Why?"

"Why not?" I shrugged. I had a hard time telling if Edward was just being evasive with me in general or if there was some deeper meaning behind the way he hedged around things pertaining to his family.

I didn't necessarily like the idea that he had a child, but I had already knowingly slept with a married man and I couldn't take it back. Dwelling on the fact that he was a father seemed pretty pointless, all things considered. It wasn't as if I could take it back. I don't know if I would have anyway. The moment had passed, and we could only move forward from here.

"Come on," he said, changing the subject. He grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. "Let's go upstairs and watch a movie."

Still a little bit shell shocked, I followed Edward up the stairs, instantly distracted from the swell of confusion by the view his squeezable ass in front of me.

We settled into a large, comfortable couch and draped ourselves with a blanket. Mike joined us on another couch and put in an action movie I had little interest in watching. Beneath our private cover, Edward and I snuggled close. He had the most incredible scent – a mixture of heavenly cologne and sex sweat. I kept tucking my head into his chest and inhaling deeply. I noticed him do the same to my hair several times.

It was then that I realized how good it felt to be with him this way. The comfort I felt in his presence came naturally, even though we'd only known each other for a very short period of time. While I was very attracted to Jacob physically, this thing with Edward was completely different. His body affected me in ways I had never felt before. All it took was a simple touch and I was a shivering, giddy mess. Everything about him made me crave more. I knew our arrangement could only be based on sex, but that didn't mean I wasn't allowed to enjoy the other time we spent together. There was no pressure to be anything or try and say or do the right thing. It was easy to be with Edward, and that was what made out time together so enjoyable. We could just be ourselves, talk about whatever, and that chemistry made the physical connection incredible.

We stayed at Mike's house until the movie ended, and then decided it would be best for us both to get home. We said our goodbyes, and Mike told me I was welcome to come over anytime. He also joked that I should bring a friend next time, but I didn't acknowledge that comment. I couldn't think of any woman I knew who would be interested in him.

Edward held my hand again as he drove, and we spent the ride in companionable silence. When he dropped me off at the mall to get my car, the entire parking lot was empty. He got out and walked around to my side of the vehicle.

"I hope I don't get you in trouble," I said.

He shook his head and leaned me into my car door. "Don't worry about me, I've got it covered." Again, the crooked smile appeared and he ran his fingers through the perfectly messy bronze hair I was growing to adore. I reflexively reached up and ran my fingers through it, too, intertwining them with his when our hands met.

I smiled, and he pulled our hands down together to rest between our chests. His free hand cupped my face, and I leaned into his touch.

"Thank you, Bella," he said, stroking my cheek with his thumb. "I really had a great time tonight. I promise I will call you. If that's all right with you, of course."

"I'd like that," I whispered. I pushed myself up onto my tip toes and reached my mouth toward his.

He met me there and gave me a slow, sensual kiss goodbye.

"Good night, then. Be safe," he said softly.

I unwillingly slid my body away from his and into the driver's seat of my car. As he drove off in one direction, I pointed mine toward Rosalie's house.

No matter what time it was, I was in serious need of some girl talk.

* * *

_Watch the sunrise  
Say your goodbyes  
Off we go  
Some conversation  
No contemplation  
Hit the road_

_Car overheats  
Jump out of my seat  
On the side of the highway baby  
Our road is long  
Your hold is strong  
Please don't ever let go  
Oh No_

_I know I don't know you  
But I want you so bad  
Everyone has a secret  
Ohh can they keep it  
Oh No they can't_

**_Maroon 5_**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and keepingupwiththekids and reposted June 09.**

**Song: Great Pretender by Theory of a Deadman**

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* * *

  
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"You'd better be in jail or dying," Rosalie's groggy voice mumbled into the phone.

"Sorry Rose," I said apologetically. "I need you."

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Four," I whispered hesitantly, bracing myself for a cranky Rosalie.

"Fuck Bella. Do you have your key?"

I told her I did and heard the phone disconnect. I released the breath I'd been holding, grateful that she wasn't too pissed with me after all. My best friend would always welcome me when I needed her, but that didn't mean she'd be happy I woke her up in the middle of the night.

Since she still lived with her family, I was there a lot, and in time her mom and dad became like a second set of parents to me. I affectionately called them mom and dad whenever I was visiting, and I know they considered me their fifth child. They were quite accepting of the late night lifestyle Rosalie and I had, so I was given my own key to back door. It was the closest door to Rosalie's bedroom, and I wasn't surprised to see a light on when I arrived.

Once inside, I crept down the hall to Rosalie's bedroom. Harley was spread across my usual spot when I stayed over and both she and Rose were snoring lightly. I slipped off my shoes and pants and pulled my bra out of my shirt sleeve. So as not to create too much movement on the mattress, I carefully climbed over my two favorite girls and shoved Harley over to make room.

"Hey baby girl," Rosalie said, lifting her head slightly. "You gonna make it to work tomorrow?"

I reached over and stroked her hair. A part of me felt bad for waking her up, but it wasn't like this was the first time one of us had made a late night visit to the other. Our exchange was short and choppy, but I knew we'd cover all the details after a few hours of sleep. Just being here with her was the comfort I needed.

"Don't have to be in until noon," I replied. I could feel exhaustion setting in, and I was grateful I didn't have a morning shift the next day.

"Cool. What's up?" she yawned and folded her pillow to prop her head up a little.

"I just came from hanging out with Edward," I said. Harley snorted as if she was a part of the conversation and I rubbed her head. "Go back to sleep, Har Har."

"Yeah? How'd it go?"

I smiled, but I knew she couldn't really see me in the dark room. "It was good. A lot of fun, actually." I yawned again and took a deep breath before continuing. "Kind of weird being at his friend's house, but worth it. He has a kid," I added matter-of-factly.

"Seriously?" I couldn't make out her expression, but I saw Rose's silhouette straighten up and lean closer to me in interest. I could imagine that her eyes were probably wide based on the surprised tone of her voice. "Did you know?"

"Had no idea. It kind of makes me feel bad, what with being around other people's children everyday and all," I admitted.

"Well, you are an amoral whore," she sleepily chuckled.

"Bitch!" I said a little too loud, and I smacked her arm.

"Your words, not mine."

I let out a momentary chuckle, too, and then laid back down. "You've got me there." Rosalie knew she could get away with that kind of teasing and taunting with me. We both had a tendency to deal with awkward circumstances with humor and sarcasm, and this was no exception.

She reached across her dog and rested a hand on my shoulder to show me she was done teasing me. "All joking aside, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Cool. Let's sleep. Denny's in the AM."

"Sounds good. Love you, girl."

"Love you, too," she whispered before slipping back into an easy slumber.

We woke up earlier than I would have liked, but I was used to running on less sleep than most people. Rosalie and I got ready for our day, and she lent me some clothes to wear to work. Most of our wardrobes were mixed up anyway considering that we borrowed and swapped clothing constantly. If something ever came up missing from my closet, I could immediately assume it was somewhere at Rosalie's house.

We discussed her night at work while we did our hair and make-up. I enjoyed her recaps as a part of me missed bartending full time. There is just something so entertaining about a bartender's life, and Rosalie's retellings were always hilarious. I adored the children at the preschool, but working there was rather mundane in comparison. Once we were ready, we got into our respective cars and headed out for breakfast.

Inside the restaurant and settled in with our cups of coffee, I gave her nearly every detail of my night with Edward. As always, she was the perfect audience. She listened with rapt attention and ate up every juicy detail like I was reading her a Harlequin novel. It felt good to get it all out and talk about Edward with her. She understood my confusion and excitement over him, and I knew she could relate to the circumstances.

"Do you like him?" she asked when I was done.

"Well, yeah," I said. I would have thought that much was obvious. "I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't."

"Do you want to be with him?"

I hadn't considered that before because the circumstances provided an automatic answer. "No. I really don't even know him. And he's married."

"No shit. But you want to keep fucking him?"

"What's with the third degree?" I countered. She was much more inquisitive about Edward than she normally was with other guys. "Let me break it down this way: if he wasn't married, yes, I think I'd be interested in him, but he _is_ married, so it's a non-issue. I'm trying not to even put those thoughts on the table, and just have fun with him, you know?"

"Sorry, I'm just trying to gauge your interest, that's all," she replied with a shrug. She took a cautious sip of her hot coffee and looked at me expectantly. "So what you're telling me is that you do want to keep it up?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so," I said honestly. "I mean, he's hot as hell and so much fun, but it wouldn't kill me if that was it. I don't need other people's drama, and I definitely don't want to be a home wrecker."

"Oh thanks!" she exclaimed, throwing a jelly packet at me. Her mock indignation didn't get far past her amused smile.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," I said as I threw the condiment back at her. I was glad we could still maintain our sense of humor in all of this. "This is different from you and Felix. He didn't have any kids. It just increases the guilt factor."

"Then I have your solution," she announced, straightening her back. "Don't feel guilty."

"Just like that?"

"Yes, just like that. His kid is not your problem. If you're really just in it for the sex, his parental status shouldn't matter."

I had to laugh. "I suppose you're right about that. I think I'll just let this one go and see what happens. If he calls me again, I'll decide then. If not, no loss, right?" I wasn't sure which of us I was trying to convince.

"Whatever, just do what you think is best," she said patting my hand. "I know it can be confusing…and complicated. All relationships are, even without wives and kids to consider. You're attracted to him, he's attracted to you. If you want to roll with it for a while and see what happens, go ahead. If it gets to be too much, then forget about it. Don't beat yourself up over it too much. You're only human, and things are never black and white."

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The next few days of work were just kind of...weird. I would watch the mothers and fathers when they came to drop off and pick up their children, and it set my mind off in a thousand different directions. I looked at the married parents and wondered if they were faithful, if their spouses were faithful. When the single and divorced parents came, I found myself wondering about the circumstances that had led to their current situation. The worst of it all was looking at those kids who I truly adored and loved. Sure, none of them was Edward's kid, but how would I feel if they were? All angles of right and wrong made their checklist in my mind. I felt like my brain was one giant pro and con sheet with no conclusive results.

By Wednesday, I had spent far too much time thinking about a guy who was just supposed to be fuck buddy, especially since we'd only seen each other twice so far. I decided that the best thing for me to do was put Edward out of my mind. And what's the best way to forget about a guy? With another guy, of course. There's nothing wrong with a little distraction, right?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was bike night at the bar down the street from my apartment and that meant I would get to see Jacob. I called Rosalie to confirm the time she and Felix would arrive and made plans to meet her and the guys in our usual spot. I threw on a tight pair of jeans, a little shirt that clung to my boobs and revealed a thin line of my midriff, and straightened my long brown hair. After shoving my cell phone and some cash in my pocket, I walked the two blocks to meet my friends.

As always, the parking lot was already flooded with motorcycles of all varieties, and several hundred people. Bars and tables were set up all over, inside and outside, but my friends and I always went for the bar that was all the way in the back under the shade of several big maples and oaks.

As I ascended through the crowd, I was well aware of the stares and cat calls I was receiving, but I kept my eyes straight ahead. Sure, it was impossible not to smirk, but it was all a part of the game I was constantly playing. I could fucking eat that attention up with a spoon. It never ceased to amaze me how a little extra sway of the hips could turn men into a bunch of howling dogs.

I approached my friends, and Garrett noticed me first. He greeted me with a wink and whispered something to Rosalie. She quickly turned around and threw herself at me. We locked ourselves in a fierce hug, smashing our tits against each other and dancing around a little bit. I gave her a smack on the ass before we let go, and she kissed me on the mouth. She handed me her beer bottle and I took a long swig, licking my lips when I was done.

This was one variation of our typical greetings. We were truly excited to see each other, even though it had only been a day, but we were also well aware that all the guys in our group were now staring, just how we liked it.

I looked toward Jacob and saw the lusty sex eyes I was so familiar with. _Damn straight._

I made my way through the guys, pausing to give little half hugs and smiles to all of them before I reached Jacob. He scooped me up off my feet and enveloped me in a long kiss. His mouth was hot and eager against mine, and I was more than willing to offer him entrance. When he finally pulled back, he looked down at me for a long moment before taking my hand and dragging me to the bar to get a few beers.

"You look so fucking hot," he whispered in my ear.

I giggled and tucked my head into my shoulder a little bit, away from his warm breath tickling my ear. This was a great sign.

I could usually predict the kind of sex for the night based on Jacob's first words and reaction when he saw me. Bike night was pretty much a guarantee that I'd have him in my bed, but the intensity was dependent on his first impression. He always made good use of his tongue between my legs, but on his lustiest of nights he would go down on me over and over again until I was weakened into orgasmic submission, then fuck me until we both came screaming. I didn't know how he got to be so talented, but it was phenomenal. From the want and desire I could hear in his voice, I had a feeling that was exactly what was in store for me in a few hours. He was some of the best sex I'd ever had, and he knew my body like the back of his hand. I was absolutely in lust with Jacob.

The long and short of it was I loved hanging out with Rosalie and these guys. They could be assholes to people outside our circle, but they were also all hot as hell, had gorgeous bodies and drove motorcycles. Just thinking about riding behind one of them with a bike purring between my legs was a huge turn on.

Flirting between this group was shameless and playful. Everyone knew that Rose was with Felix and that Jacob and I were "together," but that didn't keep any of us from eye fucking each other or hanging on one another when we had a few drinks in our system. We always knew who we went home with.

There was more to it than that, though. I could hang out with these guys drunk or sober and still have a great time. I think our mutual don't-give-a-shit attitude bonded all of us. By day, we went to work and paid our bills, but during the off hours we made the most of every opportunity to have fun.

They were genuine, too. I knew that if I was ever in a real pinch, I could count on them. As a part of both Rosalie and Jacob's lives, they welcomed me in, and as we all got to know each other the friendships grew. There were plenty of occasions when they'd saved me from unwelcome groping, and I returned the favor when necessary. There were a few women who had reoccurring roles in the bike boys' beds, and those girls generally hated Rosalie and I. Sure, we would play nice when we had to, but we had yet to meet one of their girl friends who we genuinely liked. As much as I loved the guys' attention, I wanted all of them to be happy…I just had high standards about who was good enough for my friends.

This particular night, Rosalie and I were having a great time watching women walk past and guessing whether their breasts were real or fake. We perched on our barstools, pointing and discussing, and the guys would occasionally break from their conversations to give us their input. It was all in good fun, of course, as that kind of thing was always a sure fire way to keep our guys' minds on sex – the sex they would be having with us very soon. At the end of the night, Jacob was whispering dirty things in my ear about my own breasts and what he wanted to do me. I laughed out loud, happy that he was enjoying my games and playing along.

As predicted, Jacob pinned me to the wall and dropped on his knees before me approximately two minutes after walking into my apartment. It was amazing; it was times like those that I wondered if I could convince him to get his tongue pierced. After the tongue action and a good, hard wall-fuck, we collapsed onto my bed and blissfully fell asleep.

I always hated waking him up in the morning because he looked like a little kid dreaming about cookies and milk. Even his bed head was endearing. One time I took a shower before sending him home to get ready for work and when I came back to the bedroom he was snuggling with my ratty old teddy bear. It was the sweetest sight ever. I wanted so badly to take a picture, but he would have killed me.

This morning was much like any other in our routine until Jacob woke up on his own. I was showered and standing by the dresser in a bra and thong when I felt his sculpted arms – _gah, I love those arms_ - snake around my waist and pull me down from behind. Before I could react appropriately, I was on my back as he hovered over my body, arms extended and fists in the tangle of blankets beneath me.

"Jake, I've got to get ready for work," I giggled. He was planting kisses all over my torso and smiling that brilliant white smile of his I loved so much. He was kind of…beautiful when he smiled that way. The authenticity was in his eyes and the way the apples of his cheeks rose, not just across his lips. It was so hard to resist _that_ look!

"Work shmerk. I need you," he mumbled into my navel.

He worked his way back up, leaving my bra on, but massaging my breasts and biting at my nipples through the fabric. Little moans and groans trembled off his lips, transferring the reverberation onto my tingling flesh in sensual tickles. As he inched up my neck with his tongue, he slid the lacy thong I'd been wearing off with one hand. Considering that he was still naked from the night before, getting to business didn't take long. He knew my body and all the right buttons to push so well that I was instantly wet for him. By the time he'd put a condom on and lunged at me again no foreplay was necessary.

"Fuck," I panted as he rolled off me ten minutes later. I stood up and shook my legs out; trying to release some of the ache they held from being wrapped around his broad, defined waist. "I can't go to work smelling like sex. I need to take another shower."

"Care for some company?" he said in a low seductive voice that made me want him all over again.

I unsnapped my bra and fired it at him sling shot style before skipping off toward the bathroom. I knew he'd be behind me in a few seconds. _Time for round two!_

_

* * *

_

_She's picture perfect to me__  
At first she had the sweetest intention  
__Who are you gonna believe__  
She's always had a secret to tell  
But why'd she keep her secret from me?  
Everybody likes to feel the infection  
But are you ready to bleed?_

_**Theory of a Deadman**  
_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and keepingupwiththekids and reposted June 09.**

**Song: I'm On A Boat by The Lonely Island. Ok, I'm kidding, but if you've never seen that video, go youtube it **_**now**_**. You will laugh your ass off. The real song is The Boys of Summer by Don Henley…that song just feels like freedom & bittersweet youth to me.**

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Jacob had been surprisingly...attentive lately, and I was really enjoying it. It was normal for us to spend bike night and at least one night of the weekend together. Maybe a couple others throughout the week, but they rarely fell two days in a row. When he left my apartment Thursday morning, I was surprised that he asked to see me that night.

We watched a movie with a few other people at Garrett's house, and on Friday, the gang went to our usual hang out, Mickey's, a hole in the wall with a pool table and darts.

By Saturday, Rosalie and I were in desperate need of some girl time, so we got our hair done and hit the mall. We shopped for several hours, and spent far too much time and money in Victoria's Secret picking out items that we thought best highlighted each other's _ass_ets.

After having dinner with Rosalie's parents, we decided to make an appearance at Felix's house. We were pleasantly surprised to see the guys were having a bonfire in the backyard. We were not so pleasantly surprised to see Jessica and Lauren there, standing uncomfortably close to Jacob and Benjamin. The guys' body language said, "Not interested," but those little skanks clearly didn't notice that the guys kept backing away from them. Jessica and Lauren both sneered when they saw us, making it obvious that they weren't especially pleased to see us either. The panic that also hung in their expressions was quite amusing. Let's just say that Rosalie had come quite close to knocking Lauren on her ass the last time she got too close to Felix during last call at Mickey's.

Jacob was looking particularly indifferent to Jessica's flirtations - _take that, bitch_ - and when he saw us, he bounded right over to me. He scooped me up in his arms, and planted a big sloppy kiss on my mouth. I couldn't see them, but I heard Rosalie laugh at the nasty "ugh" sound Jessica made.

"Where have you been all night?" he asked while giving me bedroom eyes.

"I didn't realize I was supposed to be here," I said innocently. I really didn't; he hadn't asked me to do anything that night, but he may have assumed that I would be since I'd spent the day with Rosalie.

He had carried me to the back door and set me down, standing close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body.

"Well, I'm glad you're here," he said smiling, "but I'd like you to be _here_." I was pinned to the door with Jacob's pelvis grinding against me. Being such an intelligent young woman, I took the hint and responded with a playful nip at his chin.

"Oh! Guest room?"

"Hell yes!"

After a refreshing romp, we grabbed a couple beers and made our way back outside to the fire. We were greeted with knowing smirks from our friends, but no one spoke of our extended absence from the gathering. I dutifully took my place at Rosalie's side while Jacob went to join Garrett and Ben in a conversation about their bikes. Although we weren't glued to each other's side the rest of the night, our eyes were constantly finding one another to exchange smiles and steamy looks. Our unspoken conversation was a promise of a very fun sleepover at Felix's guest room, and I was sure we'd be doing little sleeping in that bed.

Another surprise came when we woke up Sunday morning. We lounged around with Rose and Felix for a while, and then Jacob asked if I wanted to spend the day with him. This was a bit of shock to me. In the few months we'd been, well, whatever we were doing, we had never hung out during the day when no one else was with us. Mostly we hung out with the group, or at least Felix and Rosalie, before hooking up. The way he asked felt like this was going to be something different.

Rosalie had enough clothes at the house for me to get ready there while Jacob ran home to clean up and exchange his truck for his bike. When he returned, he looked incredibly tempting in jeans and a tight black tee shirt. I don't know if the shirt was meant to be so tight, but it stretched across his chiseled chest beautifully. He smiled what Rose refers to as a "panty creamer smile" at me, and I automatically went to him for a hug and quick kiss. Every time he did that, all I could think of was the huge grin he always had before diving head first between my thighs.

"You ready, sexy?" he asked.

"Absolutely!" I put on my helmet and straddled the seat behind him.

I hadn't asked where we were going, and although I was curious to know, I liked being able to ride with him for a while. Wrapping my arms around Jacob's perfectly muscled form and enjoying the sunshine and warm air was enough for me. Part of me wished we could talk as he drove, but it felt kind of right to just be there and feel his body and mine pressed together. He used to ride without a helmet, which wouldn't have made talking a problem. I, however, insisted that he start wearing one, and he eventually gave in when he realized I'd never ride with him otherwise. I was surprised when he had told me he'd never let anyone ride with him before me. He never explained what was so different about me that he would allow me to ride with him, but it was flattering nonetheless.

Forty-five minutes after leaving Felix's house, we slowed in front of a row of large cabin-like homes on a lake. When we reached one with deep mahogany siding, Jacob pulled into the driveway and cut the engine.

"What's this?" I asked, stepping off the bike and stretching.

"My family's lake house. Let me show you around." I could hear excitement in his voice, and it was matched with a playful sparkle in his dark eyes. He led me into the house, my hand clasped firmly in his.

The house had the most gorgeous interior, and I was caught off guard by how different this was from his parents' house. That place was simple, classic, and adorned with family photos; this vacation home was more rustic. Earthy tones filled each of the rooms, and decorations consisted of mounted fish, nature prints, and strategically placed pieces of driftwood in all shapes and sizes. The paneling, railing, and furniture were all deep mahogany and rich brown. It was warm, homey, and inviting – the epitome of a vacation home. An open staircase led up to a loft-style sitting room with several doors off to the sides. I spent several minutes wandering through the house taking it all in as Jacob followed close behind.

Glass French doors led to an enormous, multi-tiered porch overlooking the lake. The lowest level connected to a wooded walkway which eventually turned into a dock at the water's edge. On the end of the dock was a covered boat lift holding a large boat. I didn't really know anything about boats, but the sleek contours of that thing just screamed _fast_.

I continued to examine my surroundings, taking in the gorgeous view and pristine lake before us. Large trees wrapped around the perimeter, creating a barrier between the backyards of the neighboring houses. The rare sun overhead sparkled off the lake and created gorgeous reflections of the blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I took a deep breath, tasting the crisp air of our natural surroundings, and smiled peacefully. My eyes drifted back toward the dock, and I noticed something I hadn't seen at first.

"Is that a slide?" I asked with maybe a little too much excitement.

"Yeah," Jacob chuckled back at me.

"That's so awesome. I wish I'd brought a suit."

"Actually," he said, nuzzling his face into the crest of my neck and shoulder from behind, "I thought we might go out on the boat for a little while. My sisters have some bikinis upstairs, if you'd like."

I couldn't keep a smile from spreading across my face. As I turned to face him, his hands moved to my hips.

"That sounds great," I said. "Which room?"

He pointed me in the right direction, and I gave him a quick kiss before running off to get changed.

When I emerged from the house in a red halter style bikini, Jacob was already down by the dock lowering the boat into the water.

I skipped down the path toward him, fully aware that he was watching my boobs jiggle and bounce as I approached him.

"I'm never going to be able to look at my sister in that thing again, you know," he said when I reached the dock. An approving grin danced at the corners of his mouth.

I smirked and returned the slow, conspicuous, and lustful look to his shirtless body.

We spent a long time out on the boat, just riding around and enjoying the day. Jacob even let me sit in his lap and steer for a while. That, however, led to him kissing the back of my neck and shoulders, which eventually led to us deciding it was a good time to swim before we got too hot and heavy where other boaters might see us.

The water was cool and refreshing, and the sensation of being at the top of a lake sixty feet deep was a little dizzying. Jacob insisted there was nothing dangerous in the lake, but the water was so clear it looked like you could see down forever and that made me a little uneasy. I was just waiting for some giant squid or eighteen foot carp to appear and come eat me. If nothing else, my irrational fears served as entertainment for my companion. We had a great time taking turns leaping off the boat and into the water. I mostly dove; I'd always loved that sensation. Jacob, on the other hand, performed a series of somersaults, cannonballs, and attempted toe touches before splashing back into the water. I really couldn't remember the last time I'd had that kind of fun.

When we returned to the dock, I eyed the slide and he encouraged me to go play. After five turns I was satisfied, and he was ready to return to the house.

"Did you enjoy the slide, Little Miss Bella?" he teased.

"Heck yeah! I have no idea why you didn't join me. How cool is it to have your own water slide?" I said enthusiastically.

He chuckled and shook his head at my excitement. "Believe me, my sisters and I spent hours on that thing when we were kids. Plus it was more fun to watch you."

I nodded, slightly embarrassed about my childish antics, but he wrapped an arm around my shoulders to reassure me he didn't mind.

"Let's get inside. I want to get home before it gets dark," he said, guiding me back up the walkway to the house.

We took separate showers and dressed quickly. After a fair amount of kissing we pulled ourselves apart and decided we had better get going. The sun was edging toward the western side of the sky, and both of our stomachs growled with hunger.

I enjoyed the quiet again as we rode back home, and when we arrived at Felix's house, Rosalie was preparing dinner while Felix set the table.

"Perfect timing!" Rosalie called. "I told him this was too much food. Now you can eat with us."

Jacob and I looked at each other with knowing grins as we joined our friends for the meal.

Afterward, Rose and I retreated for some girl talk and the guys went downstairs to play foosball. I gave her the scoop on my day and she told me about hers. It wasn't until that talk that I realized my day with Jacob had included absolutely no sex. Rose and I were both somewhat dumbstruck by that, and it remained on my mind after I said goodbye to Jake and went home to my empty apartment.

I'd never put too much consideration into a _real_ relationship with Jacob, and I think he got that. I went to him immediately after the break up with James. He knew the circumstances. He knew he was rebound sex. He knew I was fresh out of a bad relationship and not interested in something exclusive. I knew he wasn't particularly the picture of chastity and virtue either, so things just worked between us. This, however, made me wonder a little bit. It seemed we could function in a somewhat normal capacity, not just as bed buddies. It was...comfortable.

I truly had no idea if he would want more from me because we didn't talk about the status of our arrangement, but he_ had_ been hanging around quite a bit these last few days. Despite all that, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to give up my freedom just yet. I liked the fact that if I wanted to hook up with someone else, I was free to do so. It's not as though it happened _all_ the time, but there were a couple occasions that I enjoyed a little variety to quench my sexual appetite. I refused to let it get confusing, though, so I just had fun. I didn't let these guys get to me. If I wanted something from them, I made my intentions clear. If they wanted me, I played my usual games and did whatever I was in the mood for at that particular moment.

It worked for me. I didn't intend to stay this way forever; I just wanted to have fun. I'd lost two years of my life after college in a dead-end relationship, and now I was making up for it.

Just as I was slipping into my favorite sweatpants and preparing to watch a movie from my big, comfy, cloud bed, I heard my phone ring. It was a ringtone I'd chosen for one specific person.

"_I know I don't know you, but I want you so bad. Everyone has a secret, oh can they keep it? Oh no they can't…"_

_Edward._

I looked at the caller ID for a moment…even though I already knew who was calling, and then set the phone down on the nightstand. When it went to voicemail, I browsed through my missed calls. I hadn't looked at my cell since this morning. I saw two other missed calls from Edward that day. _Huh...it appears I have the upper hand._

I listened to the voicemail and heard his fuckvoice say he could get out for the night and he wanted to get together.

_Oh hell no. Does he really expect me to drop whatever I'm doing for last minute plans? Not that I'm doing anything at the moment, but he doesn't know that._

First of all, I was exhausted from my day with Jacob. Second, even though we hadn't had sex that day, it didn't really seem right to run off and screw someone else so soon. Third, if I did go see him again, it was going to be on my terms, and I hadn't quite figured those details out yet.

I decided to send Jacob a quick thank you text, and then turn my phone off for the night.

I was pretty sure I would fuck Edward Cullen again, just not tonight.

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_I never will forget those nights  
I wonder if it was a dream.  
Remember how you made me crazy?  
Remember how I made you scream?  
Now I don't understand  
what happened to our love,  
But baby when i get you back  
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of_

**_Don Henley_**

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_End notes: Those lyrics can go either way, can't they?? *evil grin* Don't take any of the song choices literally. Sometimes they're specifics, others time not.**

**Edward's ringtone is the same as my song selection for Chapter 2. This will come up again later in the story =) **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and keepingupwiththekids and reposted June 09.**

**Song: Sunday Drive by The Early November**

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Life was back to business as usual, come Monday. Go to work and play with the kiddos, hit the gym after work with Rosalie, clean up and do whatever it was Rose and I were going to do that night.

I like my life. It kept me out of my apartment and left me with little alone time. I'd been so isolated during that time with James that I relished the company of people who made me laugh and smile. I also liked the fact that my home didn't smell like cigarettes or his weird chinchillas anymore, but that's beside the point.

When I gave ol' James the boot, I revamped everything in my life I possibly could. I still had to live in my white trash neighborhood until my lease was up, but I made the most of it. I bought new curtains and bedding in bright colors and light gauzy fabrics. He'd always insisted on drapes so he could sleep all fucking day; I enjoyed the natural lighting of the sun. I added feminine touches throughout the apartment and trashed that stupid Spongebob shower curtain he was so oddly obsessed with. Drugs, I tell you. Drugs. I made the place _mine_ like it should have always been, considering that I was the one paying for practically everything.

My home wasn't the only thing that got a make-over, though. I renewed my gym membership and started going at least five times a week. It felt so damn good to do something for myself and shed the ten pounds I had gained from my sedentary lifestyle with Stoner Boy. I went to my favorite hair stylist, who I was sure had forgotten me, and had my cut updated. She nearly choked me for the condition of my locks, but I hadn't really been able to afford my preferred salon products living with the leech. I started doing my nails again, keeping up with my waxing, and using the expensive razors that I preferred.

Me. Me. Me. I loved me. I deserved to get Bella back, so I did.

James' Bella was gone. The real Bella was back in full force.

_Gah, f__inally_.

That was a big part of the reason I treated my love and sex life so casually. Don't get me wrong, I was safe. I took care of myself and had people to watch my back. I just did what I wanted to because I _could_. If I wanted to drink six vodka and cranberries and dance on the bar, who could tell me no? If I wanted to be a tease and grind on my best friend in a sweaty crowded club and accept compliments, lewd remarks and free drinks from our stiff-dicked admirers, I would. If I wanted to have a casual sex life, that was my prerogative, so long as I stayed clean and baby-free.

All I wanted to do was have a little fun. One day I would get married and have a family, and I wouldn't be able to go out with my friends every night. This was my time to enjoy my social life.

I let the Edward situation ride a little longer and ignored another call I got from him on Tuesday. Sure, he might get tired of it and give up, but whatever…I had Jacob. I was pretty sure I could have Garrett or one of the other guys if I really wanted to, not to mention a number of guys outside of that clique.

Yes, there _was_ something about Edward that captivated my thoughts and desires, but I was realistic. What would be the point of pining away after a married man? With anyone else, I don't believe I would engage in this kind of affair, but that didn't justify foolishly developing feelings for him. Besides, I liked spending time with Jacob even if I wasn't trying to settle down with anyone just yet.

Wednesday came around again, and we all did the bike night routine. I'm not saying that particular routine was boring or lacking in any way - it wasn't - just that it was what we did. I got my Jacob fix, and we discussed the blow out party Ben was throwing at his parents' house that weekend. Their house was ridiculous with four stories, eight bedrooms all the size of my entire apartment, and a six car garage. Ben lived in the pool house, which happened to be two stories and nearly four thousand square feet, but when his parents when out of town, raging keggers ensued in the mansion.

Thursday morning, I decided to throw Edward a bone and called him on my way to work. I knew he probably wouldn't answer at that hour, and it would leave him sweating if he tried to call back when I was working.

As expected, there was a voicemail from him when I checked my phone on lunch break. He sounded anxious, so of course I didn't call back right away. I finally gave in on my way home, thus putting an end to my little game.

"Where the fuck have you been all week?" he spat into the phone. There was definitely a hint of annoyance in the way he spoke.

"Well hello to you, too," I purred, acting as if I hadn't noticed his irritation.

"I was beginning to think you were ignoring me."

_Haha, I totally have you by the balls, buddy._

"Why would I do something like that?" I asked innocently. "I just had a busy weekend and it took me a few days to catch up. Thus is life."

"Well I'm not gonna lie, I want to see you. Like, yesterday." His tone had softened, but I couldn't help laughing at him. Was he seriously this close to begging? _That is awesome. I have a married man begging to see me!_

We went back and forth about when we could meet up. He already had plans for tonight and Saturday, and I would be at Ben's party on Friday. Sunday during the day was bad, but Sunday night worked.

We made our plans, and he said to expect a call from him Sunday evening after dinner time. As always, I stayed quite occupied until then.

Ben's party was insane, and Rosalie and I enjoyed getting trashed and being the queen bitches of the house. We wore the tightest black leather pants we could squeeze into with unnecessarily high heels and coordinating sparkly, cleavage-revealing excuses for shirts. Crown Royal, my trusty friend, made short use of any inhibitions I may have had - there really weren't many to be had in the first place - and I was quickly in the Land of Ridiculous. No, it was beyond ridiculous; more like _ricockulous_.

The size of the house kept the large crowd spread out quite well, and at some fuzzy point in the night I was sitting on the counter in the kitchen talking to Garrett when we found ourselves alone. He'd been eye fucking me all night (not that he was alone in that sentiment), and took advantage of our solo moment. He pulled me off the counter and dragged me into the pantry, which just so happened to be larger than my entire kitchen. Once inside, he locked the door. Who the hell has a lock inside their pantry? Crazy rich people, apparently, but I digress. I didn't really register when we began kissing, but we were, and _fuck_ it was good. I had a sudden understanding why Rosalie and so many other chicks swooned over this guy in the past, and I just couldn't stop myself.

Thank goodness I was wasted because the shelves behind me pressed awkwardly into my back, making my knees nearly buckle. Garrett just kept kissing and pushing me against the shelves in his frenzy. He was licking up and down my neck and shoulders, sucking hard when I pulled away.

"Unless you care to explain a fucking hickey on my neck, you need to quit that shit," I growled, trying to shove him back for a moment.

"Sorry," he muttered into the hollow between my collarbones. "You taste amazing."

"Thanks," I giggled, and let him proceed. His lips were inching closer to my cleavage, and he had my tits smashing together in his hard grasp. He roughly pinched my nipples, and I threw my head back a little with a gasp.

"Where the hell did all this come from?" I asked between my sharp breathes. The air in the enclosed room was beginning to feel thick and sticky.

"Come on, Bella. I've been waiting for the chance to get you alone forever. Don't tell me you never thought about it," he said as he straightened up to face me. His hands were still teasing and pinching at my chest.

"Touché," I smiled, biting at his lips again.

He quickly slid a hand down between my legs and pressed his palm against me. I gasped in response, which he took as encouragement to rub harder. His other hand fumbled for the button of my pants, but I shot my hands down and grabbed both of his wrists.

"What?" he asked as I pulled him away.

"I can't. Not tonight."

"Why not?"

"Because I already fucked Jacob tonight."

"I don't care."

"Eww!" I shrieked, pushing him off of me. "That's fucking disgusting. _No_ double dipping!"

"Fine," he huffed, still giving me sexy fucking bedroom eyes. I felt myself moisten a little more. "When?"

"Soon," I decided. It may have been the whiskey talking, but I couldn't deny my attraction to Garrett. We'd always had a playful and flirtatious relationship, and his actions tonight brought it to a head. I had convinced myself to further explore this sexual attraction we shared.

"When?"

"I don't know. I need to get the thumbs up from Rose first."

"Shit! Don't tell her," he practically yelled. I had to laugh at his frightened expression.

"I tell her everything, dumbass. That's how we do," I smiled. "Same goes for her. Eight inches? That's impressive." I looked up at him with the best doe eyed gaze I could muster in my alcohol-induced state.

The look on his face was priceless. Completely blindsided, dumbfounded, and then smirking with unspoken pride. He pulled me back to him and kissed me hard.

"Soon, please?" he practically begged.

I turned myself out of his grasp and moved toward the door, looking over my shoulder with an intentional flip of my long hair.

"I'll see what I can do," I said casually, peaking outside the door carefully before sliding out and shutting it, leaving him inside to compose himself.

_Fucking right, Bella Swan._ I praised myself silently.

I went into the bathroom and wiped my neck down with a soapy washcloth, smoothed my hair, and wiped a smudge of eyeliner from the corner of my eye. I walked back to the kitchen, downed another shot of Crown, popped a piece of gum in my mouth and went off to find Jacob. I was in serious need of a release.

Sunday went by quickly. I slept in until nine before getting up and giving my apartment a thorough cleaning. I went to the gym, stopped at the grocery store on my way home, and came back to work on my lesson plans for the week. Rosalie came by on her way home from Felix's house and we went to get some salads for dinner. She stayed around until Edward called, helped me pick out something to wear, and left the apartment when I did.

I met him at the mall again, and for the briefest moment I saw something indistinguishable in his eyes as he got out of his car to greet me. As soon as it appeared it was gone, and he was being as sweet and affectionate as the last time we were together. He took me to Mike's house, which I assumed meant he wanted to be alone with me. I considered offering up my apartment, but I still didn't know what this all meant. Would a married man get freaked out if I asked him to come home with me? I wasn't sure, so I went along with his idea for the time being. I did have to wonder if Edward ever noticed the looks Mike gave me, though. Mr. Creep-o seemed to be in a better mood when we arrived, but he still ogled me in an uncomfortable way. Apparently he had nailed some stripper who was even younger than me, so he was on cloud nine. Edward wasted little time when Mike got a call from Stripperella, and dragged me to one of the guest rooms.

He threw me down on the bed and practically attacked me. I wasn't complaining. It was actually kind of flattering, and it was damn good. He was almost animalistic in the way he drove into me and moaned my name. I allowed him to control most of it and that happened to include leaning his forehead against mine whenever our position allowed it. He never took his eyes off mine, and when we weren't face to face he utilized the large mirror on the dresser to maintain our gaze. It was all-consuming and impossible to escape. He was _fucking _me with his body, but I felt as though he was _making love_ to me with his eyes. I hoped I was just imagining that; it was a little overwhelming to consider. I was trapped in his stare; forced to go along with his fierce dominance over my body. The eye contact definitely added to the intensity of the three mind blowing orgasms he gave me, so I wasn't going to question whatever the hell brought that out in him.

When he finally let my legs drop from his shoulders and rolled to my side, he pulled me against him face to face. We laid there for a long time catching our breath and staring at one another, and then we just talked. We talked on and on about stupid, pointless stuff and allowed our body temperatures to level out. He told me about the newest koi pond he was installing in his backyard, using details I didn't understand or care about, but I still listened. I told him about my lone goldfish, Lloyd Dobler, who had survived life with me since college.

"So I guess we both have a little obsession with fish," he said with a smile, weaving his fingers into my hair.

"No," I countered. "You have a thing with fish. I have a thing for John Cusack and grand gestures. Oh! And Peter Gabriel, too!" I added.

"_In Your Eyes_ is one of greatest songs of the '80s, so I'll give you that one. I'm also rather shocked you could keep a goldfish alive for so long."

"He's a fighter, just like his namesake," I joked.

His smiled brightened and he leaned in to kiss me for the hundredth time. "I can hardly keep up with you. I never know what you're going to say next."

I slid my hand up from his waist until it rest on the side of his neck. "I could say the same thing about you," I whispered.

I closed my eyes and smiled happily, wondering how long it would be before he was ready to have sex again.

He resumed our conversation a few minutes later with questions about my favorite books and movies.

After a long time, he sat up abruptly, interrupting something I was saying, and started pulling his clothes on. Feeling a little awkward about being the naked chick alone on the bed, I began to do the same.

He plopped back down on the bed when he was dressed and looked at me with a cold stare. His eyes didn't look as bright as they had minutes before; there was something distant in them. I wanted to ask him what wrong, but before I could form the words he spoke.

"I'm not going to leave my wife for you," he said bluntly.

"Uh, what?" was the only response I could manage in my flabbergasted state. It felt like déjà vu from the night we met, but I didn't understand where it had come from.

"I just don't want you to expect something like that."

I was dumbstruck. Did I do something to bring on that reaction?

"Have I ever said I wanted that?" My tone was harsh and bitter.

"No," he mumbled looking down, and then he snapped back up again. "This isn't just some shit I _do_ all the time, but I don't want you to think too much about it. Fuck!" he yelled, looking down and pinching the bridge of his nose. "No, I just mean…shit, I like you, but I have a family. I'm not yours, okay?"

"Fuck, Edward! Where do you come up with this shit? Since when have I _ever _implied that I want anything from you?"

His sudden outburst struck a chord in me that I hadn't visited in a long time. My entire body instantly felt the same fire that James used to bring out in me when he would pick fights and accuse me of ridiculous things that had never happened.

He just stared at me, not saying anything. Not one single word. _Asshole_.

I instinctively launched into my defense.

"If I'm not mistaken, _you_ are the one who approached me. _You_ are the one who called me. Repeatedly, in fact. You're the one who lied about having a kid and is cheating on your wife. And how do I even know that you haven't done this before?"

An onslaught of emotions seemed to move across his face so quickly that I didn't have time to decipher them. Nothing made sense. I wanted to understand what brought this on and what he was thinking, but I didn't see a point after what he just said. The damage was done. Unfortunately, he just kept on talking…and torturing me with his words.

"Bella, you're the only person I've done this with, and I didn't lie about my family." He ignored my dirty, doubtful look. "You obviously don't have a problem with our circumstances and I don't even know what that means about you. I don't know what or who you do and I'm not trying to take any chances here. I mean, if I gave my wife something or you got pregnant, I would lose my son forever and I can't do that. You don't understand. You just need to-"

I cut him off. The fires of Hades were burning in my gut and my fists were suddenly balled up in the bedspread.

"Shut the fuck up!" I screamed. "If it isn't the fucking pot calling the kettle black!"

His face was blank now. All the color had drained, and those big green eyes were wide and hesitant.

"Don't act like you know me, because you _don't. _What I do isn't your business, but, yes, I do have a sex life outside of this, as I'm sure you do with your _wife_. Don't you dare judge me for it because you are the one who is _married_ and has a _kid_ at home. You're the one cheating on _both of them_. I might be the mistress or whatever the hell you want to call it, but any other guy in my life knows where we stand. I really thought you and I could have some fun together, but I guess not.

"And how dare you imply that I don't keep my shit clean? I'm like the people version of Lysol. I don't take stupid risks. I get myself tested more than most people bother to because I'm _responsible_ like that, and I take my birth control like it's my religion, thank you very much. How dare you even imply that I'm trying to get more from you than what this is right here. I like you, but I'm not a fucking idiot or some stupid teenager with a crush.

"I know what you and I are, Edward. We fuck, we have our fun, and then we go back to our respective lives like it never happened. So just..." I paused and glared at him before allowing my final words to pass over my lips. "Fuck you, Edward, and go to hell."

We just sat there like that for what felt like an eternity, staring each other down and trying to deal with the sting of my words. When I finally caught my breath and felt my heart rate slow, I folded my arms across my chest and looked down. I could still feel Edward's eyes burning into me, but he didn't say anything.

With a heavy sigh, I turned off the bed and reached for my shoes.

"Bella, I..." he said quietly.

"Take me back to my car," I mumbled, standing up and walking toward the door. I had no more fight left in me. As soon as I got it out of my system, the hurt took over. I didn't dare look at him.

"I'm...I'm sorry. There are things I can't…" he said softly, but nothing more as his words trailed off. He tried to put his hand on the small of my back when we went down the stairs, but I shrugged away from his touch. I headed straight out the door, nodding at Mike, and then walked to Edward's car. I didn't wait for him to say goodbye to his friend or come out of the house before I got inside and put on my seatbelt.

We didn't say anything the entire way back to the mall, which was extremely awkward considering it was at least a twenty minute drive. I didn't dare look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me. He made little noises a few times that made me think he was going to speak, but he never did. We just sat there, three feet apart, listening to Blue October in silence. Fuck me, I love that band, but under the circumstances, the lyrics fit my mood in a miserable way. I thought I might scream, but instead I just tried to block it out, staring out the window at nothing.

When he finally pulled up next to my car I remained silent. I saw him turn toward me as I reached for the handle.

"Wait," he said, stretching his hand toward mine, but pulling it back before making contact. Slowly, very slowly, I crooked my head toward him.

"Don't, just don't," I whispered. I met his eyes and saw that he looked sad, maybe even regretful. For what, I wasn't sure. It could have been anything at this point. Starting this tryst in the first place, calling me this week, saying what he said. I didn't care. I wanted to go home and pretend like this whole night never happened. It had started out so well, but now I was feeling offended and hurt, and I hated it.

"Listen," I continued. "I wasted two years with a sad excuse for a man who never deserved me in the first place. My world revolved around him for that time because he wouldn't allow it any other way. I'm just getting my shit together, Edward. What I do, my life, it's finally about me." I was surprised by how calm it was all coming out. "I refuse to be controlled now, and I refuse to be treated like a whore. I take full responsibility for all of my actions and don't hide who I am, but this just isn't...isn't a good idea, apparently. It was fun. Please don't call me again."

I turned from him and got out of his car as quickly and calmly as I could manage. I was just...numb. As I closed the door, not looking back, I cut off whatever he was going to say.

"Bella, please-"

My car beeped and unlocked as I hit the button on my key chain, and I slipped into the seat with my eyes on the steering wheel. As I drove away, I only looked ahead. I didn't dare glance at my mirrors or to the side. If I did, the numbness may have given way to something more – pain, loss, anger – I wasn't sure. I needed to keep those emotions at bay as long as possible, preferably until I at least got home.

Tunnel vision got me home, where I fell into my bed fully clothed. I stayed there until my alarm rang Monday morning, and I got ready for work.

* * *

_And we wait above a road.  
We're turning to go home.  
And the silence from the side of the car  
Tells me everything and how we are.  
'Cause there's no more trying to make this so right,  
There's no more trying tonight._

_And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone.  
And I wonder if I'm alone in your head._

_I know something is wrong, I just don't know what to do._

_**The Early November**  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and reposted September 09.**

**Song: I Almost Told You That I Loved You by Papa Roach**

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* * *

  
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Fuck Edward Cullen.

Fuck him and his perfectly disheveled hair and his amazing body with all those tattoos. Fuck his better than Eddie Vedder voice and his piercing sex eyes. _What is with that, anyway? It's like he's trying to see my soul or something. _

Fuck him.

No one talks to me like I'm some silly little slut.

I let his words upset me more than I ever should have. I just wanted to forget. Forget Edward. Forget life. Forget myself.

* * *

I glanced at my watch. Ten after five.

"Sarah, you have the closing shift on Friday, don't you?" I asked my co-worker.

"Ugh, yes," she replied.

"If you let me leave next I'll trade you my opening shift Friday for your closer. Pretty please?" I tried to make the cutest pout I could.

These were the facts: the teachers at my preschool came in on a staggered schedule each day as more and more children arrived. As parents come to pick up their children later in the day and less teachers are needed, we get to clock out for the day. That way, everyone still gets their eight hours in, and we're able to be open from six in the morning to six in the evening every day. We rotate shifts throughout the week to keep things fair, but everyone has one closing shift each week. Getting stuck with the closing shift on Friday totally sucks because, well, it's Friday, and no one wants to be at work until six o'clock on a Friday night.

Sarah eyed me skeptically.

"Why would you give up an early out on Friday just to leave fifteen minutes early tonight, Bella?"

"I just have somewhere I want to try and be before five-thirty," I said anxiously. "Please, Sarah, I'm begging you here!"

"Fine," she said. "Connor's mom should be here anytime now, and then you can go."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I sang, jumping up and down a little bit. Just then, I saw the aforementioned mommy pulling into the parking lot.

I ran to the staff room to sign out and grab my purse, and then I dashed for the door, pausing only to hug Sarah and thank her again.

"Go already!" she chirped at me.

I pulled up to BlackStone Designs at exactly five-thirty. There were only two vehicles left in the parking lot. Jacob's silver Dodge Ram and Alister's ancient Oldsmobile. I skipped up to the showroom entrance and yanked on the door. _Locked. _With a little tap - and a little boob squish up against the glass for good measure - I got the old man's attention.

"Hey there, Bella," Alister said as he opened the door for me. "Jake's in the back. I'll go get him."

"Thank you," I called after him, displaying my most charming, dimpled smile.

The Black family owned a company that dealt in granite and marble counter top and floor design and installation. The main store is up in the city, and this location happened to be in the same suburb where I worked. Jacob is pretty young to manage a business like this, but he grew up in it. When he graduated from college last year his dad put him in charge here. On days I could manage to get off work at just the right time, I sometimes liked to surprise Jake before he left for the day.

"Thanks, Al. You can head home. I'll see you tomorrow," I heard Jacob saying from the work area in the back. Alister said goodbye and the employee entrance door slammed shut.

"I'll be right out," Jacob called. A few moments later he stepped into the showroom where I was waiting. "Sorry about that, what can I do – oh hey, Bella." The sexy grin he wore told me that he was very pleased with my surprise visit.

_Jackpot! _

It was my lucky day. Normally, Jacob works in the office, but on occasion he has to be back in the work area to help. That means getting wet and dirty from working with the big stone cutting machinery. Today, his jeans were soaked up to the knees and white and grey powder dusted his arms, legs, face and hair. He looked so damn hot when he was all dirty. He finished wiping himself off and tossed the rag he'd been using behind the counter, meeting me in the middle of the room.

"Hey," I smiled. "I was hoping I'd get you alone."

"Tell me why that is," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I think I'd rather show you," I whispered in his ear, nipping the soft lobe. I turned us around and walked backward toward his office.

I pulled him between the desk and his chair, and sat myself in the chair, raking my hands down his sides as I went. My hands stopped at his waistband, and I dug my fingers in between the fabric and his hips. Slowly, I slid my fingers forward, dragging them inward until they met near the top button of his jeans. He shuddered slightly at my touch and smiled down at me. _Oh, sexy smile I love. Simmer down, Bella, you have work to do._

"These are wet. We should get you out of them," I said, unfastening the button and moving to the zipper. I grabbed the sides again, pulling them down with his boxers. As I helped him step out of them, he yanked the dirty white tee shirt over his head and threw it on the floor with his other clothes. He was rock hard and ready.

"Sit," I gestured toward the desk. He obliged, and I went in for the kill.

I could feel my own arousal building as I slid my mouth up and down over him, listening to his little moans and gasping breaths.

"Ung...fuck, Bella!" he groaned in a low throaty voice.

This wasn't something I had ever really done with guys I wasn't seriously dating, but it was different with Jacob. In fact, I kind of loved doing it for him. For starters, he reciprocated threefold every time I went down on him, which was reason enough. The other part was how sexually free he made me feel. We weren't necessarily serious about one another, but we had a unique understanding of our situation. I trusted him, and it was just such a turn on to unravel him!

I felt his body begin to tense up and saw his hands dig into the edge of the desk.

"Bella, I'm..." he tried to scoot back on the desk and pull away from me, but I held him firm with my hands pressing into the top of his ass.

"I wanna fuck you," he moaned, stroking my hair.

I looked up at him and shook my head, flicking my tongue in a new swirl and sucking a little harder. Right now, I was in control. I _needed_ to be in control. He groaned again, and I knew what was next. I let him pour out into my mouth and stayed there until his entire body had stilled. I knew he was done.

Although formal dating rules were not established between us, we did have an understanding about a few things. Our "rules" came up one night when we were pretty drunk, and we hadn't discussed them since. There was no bare backing, ever. Not with anyone. Double dipping in the same day was not allowed, and we both got tested regularly. It was more often than most people, but since we didn't ask each other who, when or how often, it was the least we could do for one another. The final and most important agreement was that we didn't do oral with anyone else. It was just _our_ thing. In a way, it was how we showed each other our mutual respect. Certainly, our relationship was nothing close to conventional, but it worked for us. That was all that mattered.

When he recovered, he stood up, pulling me to my feet as well.

"What was that all about?" he asked as he unbuckled my belt.

I shrugged. "I had a bad day yesterday."

"Mmm...you can have bad days anytime you want...Oh, shit, Bells! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"I knew what you meant," I replied with a laugh and encouraging smile. "Now get back to my pants, please."

"Yes, ma'am."

Soon I was completely naked, with Jacob's face buried between my tits and his fingers eagerly pumping in and out of me.

"Tell me what you want," he whispered against my skin.

"Bite me." I wasn't in the mood for anything sweet or gentle right now. I needed a good, hard fuck, and I wanted Jacob to give it to me.

He quickly took one of my nipples into his mouth and began expertly flicking his tongue over it. I let out a closed-lip moan, which made his tongue and his hand both move faster. Distracted by the ripples of pleasure moving across my body, I was taken off guard by his teeth sinking into my sensitive skin.

"Fuck...you're...good with...your hands…and mouth," I whimpered, scratching at his shoulders.

"Let me inside you," he whispered back. I nodded furiously, smirking at the hazed look in his dark eyes. I couldn't help but cry out a little when he took his hands from me, but he quickly amended the situation by lifting me onto the desk and preparing to give me a proper fucking.

His eyes grazed over my entire body twice before he pulled my legs toward him and shoved hard into me. _Oh, it's gonna be like that._ And it was. Fuck, it was. It was perfect. I had to hold my hands out behind me to support the involuntary arch of my back. I could feel the ends of my hair skim his desk while my head hung back. It was exactly the kind of distraction I needed. Jacob worked my body over with expert precision, and paired with the overwhelming sensations of his body all over mine, I could hardly remember why I was so upset about that _other guy_ anyway. His hands supported the center of my back as his mouth explored my chest and neck, still thrusting roughly into me with intense gusts and gasps of air.

"Harder," I begged, pressing my pelvis forward farther. He complied, and I felt myself reaching my breaking point.

"Don't stop...harder...faster," I cried.

Without warning, he swiftly picked me up and spun us around, slamming my back against the wall. I wrapped my legs around him like a vice grip, though I doubt he needed my help to support me. Pounding furiously against my body, I felt him as deep as he could go, pressing and pushing where there was nowhere else to go. When I reached my peak, my nails dug into his shoulders, dragging across his shoulder blades and to his defined arms. The sensation set him off and he growled loudly, crushing my mouth under his hot lips.

"Fuck, Bella," he said, calming down. "I take it back. Please have bad days more often. Every day."

All the stress and tension I'd been feeling melted away in my post coital bliss. _There's nothing like a little sexual healing._

I laughed lightly and clasped my hands around his neck, sliding the rest of my body down his until my feet reached the floor. He released me, letting me move around him to the pile of clothes next to his desk. When I bent to pick up my pants, he pulled me up by my waist and wrapped his arms around me from behind. He was so warm and moist with sweat that I sank back into his body comfortably. I let out a blissful sigh as he tongued the side of my neck, paying special attention to the sensitive hollow beneath my ear.

"I'm fucking starved," he muttered. "Let's go get something to eat."

I spun around, an incredulous look plastering my face. "Seriously?"

"What?" he asked.

"I dunno," I shrugged. "That's just...different."

"The least I can do is buy you dinner after that, Bella," he chuckled.

"Hmm...I suppose you're right about that," I smiled back. "Looks like I won't make it to the gym tonight, though."

"Don't worry about it, babe. I'm going home with you afterward to take care of that."

_Edward who?_

. . . . . . . . . .

The next week and a half passed as usual, though Garrett had taken to calling me every day during his lunch break. Mine happened to fall at the same time, so we'd chat through mouthfuls of food and tell each other dirty jokes. We hadn't been able to coordinate a time to get together alone, but I wasn't too concerned about dragging it out a bit longer. Teasing and playing with him a little was fun. It was also a huge fucking turn on to eye fuck him when we were at the club with Jacob grinding on me and him dancing with someone else. One would think he might be a little disgusted at the thought of his friend with me, but it didn't seem to deter him.

I liked Garrett, I really did. He had this whole rugged outdoorsy thing going for him that was just hot as hell. His dirty blonde hair was long enough to pull into a ponytail, but he usually left it down so it would tangle around his face. It looked especially sexy when he wore a bandanna over it on bike nights. He was into adventure sports such as rock climbing, mountain biking and kayaking, and I was pretty sure he had Pamplona dreams in his future. He was also built like a lumberjack!

It wasn't just the hot body, though. Garrett was grounded in a way that the other guys didn't seem to be. He still liked all the same things they did – babes, bikes, and beers – but he was different somehow. I think that's why I found it so easy to talk to him. He was just real. He could be a total jackass, but once you scratched beneath the surface, all the sarcasm and humor was really charming. It was never malicious, it was who he was.

He let me see a side of him that I was sure few people ever got to know. Something clicked with us, and he was certainly unlike any other guy friends I had. He made me laugh all the time, and his compliments were constant. I'm not too humble to admit I enjoy the occasional compliment. Okay, who am I kidding? I frigging love being told how hot, smart, funny, or cute I am. There was never a shortage of that with Garrett, and I really believed it wasn't just sweet talk to get in my pants.

The sexual tension between us was palpable, but there was something else there. I could hardly compare it to the attraction that I felt toward Jacob; this was more like camaraderie with a healthy dose of flirtatious games.

It took me some time to get him to crack and give me details about his short-lived fling with Rosalie, but he eventually did when I started relaying the events from her perspective. Apparently my bestie has an affinity for outdoor sex, something she never told me outright. That's one fact I would store away for future reference.

To be fair, I weakly attempted to explain the mechanics of my "situation" with Jacob. I had no doubt Jacob had talked about me to the guys before because, well, that's what guys do. Hell, that's what Rosalie and I do. Garrett didn't know about the whole oral thing, though.

"Are you really comfortable knowing that Jake sleeps with other chicks?" he asked. I could see the genuine curiosity in his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm cool with it," I said. "We have a sort of understanding about where we stand."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I smirked. I had a feeling he would be amused by the details of my arrangement with Jake. "We both accept that we're neither dating nor monogamous, but we have certain limitations about what's allowed. We sort of, umm, reserve certain foreplay only for each other."

"So you can only fuck other people?" he asked.

"No, no. Fingering, hand jobs, fucking, that's all fine. Just no head with other people," I explained casually. For some reason, speaking about things in such an open and explicit manner wasn't uncomfortable with him.

"What about tossed salad?" he inquired in his smart ass way that I should have expected. I had to laugh. It was just so _Garrett._

"No, that's nasty. Exit only, thanks," I said, wrinkling my nose.

He just laughed at me and told me a dirty joke to transition out of that particular conversation.

I made Garrett swear that if we got involved, it would be completely hush-hush. Rosalie would obviously know - she had already approved, saying, "I told you forever ago that you should fuck him. Why are you asking my permission?" - but I really didn't want the other guys to know. Despite the fact that Jacob and I were both fully aware we fucked other people, we didn't talk about it. That wouldn't be possible if he knew I was screwing one of his best friends, and quite frankly, I didn't want to mess with a good thing. Garrett understood the sentiment and agreed to my terms. There was no promise anything ever _would_ happen, but I knew it was pretty likely. We were attracted to one another, we had fun together, and we wouldn't technically be breaking any rules…so I couldn't see why not.

The weekend that followed that conversation, I was off to Los Angeles for a five day trip. My uncle Carlisle was getting married yet again, and my cousin had begged me to come and be his entertainment and wingman for the big event. I had never been able to turn down the big oaf, so there I was on a plane to sunny California, ready to hob nob with all the plastic people.

* * *

_I hate to say it, but it has to be said  
You look so fragile as I fuck with your head  
I know it shouldn't but its getting me off  
If sex is the drug then what is the cost_

_I Almost told you that I loved you  
Thank god I didn't cause it would have been a lie  
I say the damnedest things  
When you're on top of me  
I Almost told you that I loved you_

_**Papa Roach**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

**Endnotes: Bear with me, diehard E/B-shippers. She is telling you her story, and she shares these details because they're important to her.  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and reposted September 09.**

**Song: Californication by The Red Hot Chili Peppers**

**

* * *

  
**

My plane touched down in L.A. just before noon, and I was greeted with a bear hug that effectively squeezed all the air out of my lungs. I did not know that was possible, but my cousin defied science in ways that only he could.

"Bells! I've missed your scrawny ass! Fuck you're pale, we need to get you out into some California sunshine!" he said in his booming voice that made me want to cover my ears.

"Hey Emmett," I squeaked out after taking a deep breath.

My brightly colored luggage was easy to spot on the baggage carousel, and Emmett lifted it in his left hand as if it was as light as a pillow. My carry-on was slung over his shoulder with the same ease. He took my hand in his and dragged me out to the parking lot to find his souped-up Jeep. No top or doors on it, of course. He always preferred to enjoy the California sunshine and breeze.

Emmett and I had always been this way. We spent our early years together on the outskirts of Seattle, where our families lived at the time. Our fathers were half brothers – my dad Charlie was the eldest and from their mother's first marriage. Carlisle's father was her second husband. Prior to relocating to California, our families were very close, spending a great deal of time together. Emmett and I were both only children, so we were as close as siblings. He was two years older and used that as a means to pick on me, but he also served as my protector.

When I was seven, Carlisle left Emmett's mom, Esme, for Mommy Version 2.0 and took off to L.A. to pursue his career in plastic surgery. Apparently, it wasn't quite as in demand in our area, and mommy number two didn't like the rain. Using his money and clout, Carlisle managed to secure primary custody of Emmett, leaving me and my dad in Washington, and Emmett's mom broken and alone. I was too young to remember many of the finer details, but I've been told that Carlisle claimed he wanted Emmett raised "right," whatever that could mean. Esme was never anything less than a wonderful mother, and I have often wondered if Emmett would have stayed with her, had he been given the choice. At the time, he was just too young to have a say in any of it. Uncle Carlisle wasn't a bad man, perhaps just a little self-righteous and shallow.

Lucky for me, Emmett was a tenacious and annoying little bugger, and managed to convince Carlisle to let me come spend one month of the summer with them every year. Uncle Silicone Dreams gave in, and even paid for my entire trip and travel each year. I think he knew how much Emmett missed living near the family, especially me. Plus, I made an amazing cherry cheese cake that neither of them could resist.

Those summer trips are some of my fondest memories. When Em and I were together, everything was more fun. As kids, we would spend our four weeks together splashing in their pool and running amuck in the mansion. When we got older, we explored the city, lounged on the beach, and enjoyed the carefree days of summer in the Sunshine State.

My cousin and I were like two peas in a pod. We could be real with each other, we could harass each other, or we could cry on the other's shoulder. In the end, we always came out of it calling each other fucktards and making bets about who would win the next time we played caps.

"So, you still a tramp, Bells?" he asked me on the drive home.

"But of course. And you, my dear cousin? Have you managed to nail all of your bartenders yet?" I asked. My voice was laced with sarcasm, just as his had been.

"I tell you, I'm working on it, but that one keeps holding out on me. She insists she's a lesbian, but come on, I'm Emmett."

"It's true, it's true," I agreed with an exaggerated sigh. "Maybe I can warm her up for you first, and then you can take over."

His head whipped to the right to look at me, serious now. "Would you really do that for me?"

I burst into a fit of laughter that brought tears to my eyes. When I managed to stop long enough between giggles, I spoke again.

"Wow! She's really getting to you, isn't she? I don't do chicks, but you know I'm your eternal wingman."

"Nah, I think she's just a little tease. She's going to the wedding with my roommate," he sighed.

"You mean the one who DJs at the club?" He nodded at my question. "What's his name again?"

"Jasper Whitlock," he told me. "Whatever you do, don't call him Jazz or Jazzy. He flips shit about that with the whole DJ thing. I've had to throw so many damn people out for calling him DJ Jazzy Jeff. He hates that shit. He goes by DJ Rebel."

"DJ Rebel?" I asked. "What the hell does that mean?"

"He's got some sort of Civil War obsession. I don't know. He's a cool dude, but he's got his quirky side. I just let him do his thing," Emmett said.

"Hey, we've all got our quirks. I mean, you refuse to eat red M&Ms," I teased. "I can't wait to meet him. Is he hot?"

"Come on, don't fuck my roommate, Bella."

"Why not?"

"Cuz I don't want to hear you moaning through the walls of my condo."

"Whatever, Em, I haven't even met him yet."

. . . . . . . . . .

Emmett's roommate was hot as fuck.

He had this perfect surfer hair - honey blonde with sun streaks all through it. His body was tall, lean and toned, and I could only imagine that he'd be pure sex in a wet suit. He even had this hot shark bite scar on his arm. I eventually persuaded him to tell me the story behind it, and he admitted that the shark was only twenty inches long. I thought it was still pretty sexy. I would probably never go back into the ocean if that had happened to me! His face, neck and arms were scattered with lots of other faded little scars that made me want to take off his shirt and count them as he told me the story behind each one. _Or lick them…just saying._ And he smelled like the ocean. All the time. I had never met anyone who smelled that way without cologne.

The night that I arrived, Emmett insisted that we spend it at his club. Thanks to the trust fund Carlisle allowed him to tap into after earning a college degree, Emmett bought a restaurant in a prime L.A. location and turned it into an extremely successful club called Rendezvous. I wasn't sure Emmett could even spell that, but he sure knew how to run the place. Even on a Thursday night, I spotted more celebrities than I could count. I hung out with some NBA studs Emmett had made friends with, and I even danced with a certain blonde heiress and her entourage for a while. Sure, that girl is a twat, but she's funny as fuck. I can totally see why so many people in Hollyweird like her. I told her to throw my cousin a bone and quickly found out that, well, he'd already thrown _her_ a bone, if you know what I mean. _Go Emmett! He loves him some blondes._

By the time the place cleared out, it was the wee hours, and Emmett and Jasper had to carry my tired, drunk ass back to the condo. I was relieved to find coffee when I woke up, and I took it out to the porch where Jasper was sitting.

"Where's Emmett?" I asked, sinking into the chair next to him.

"Probably out running. He's usually gone for an hour or so," Jasper replied.

I hadn't noticed it last night, considering the vast amount of vodka I had consumed, but Jasper had the cutest bit of a southern accent.

"Where are you originally from?"

"Texas," he told me.

"Hmm," I hummed, rubbing my chin to look playfully deep in thought. "Southern Confederate good ol' boy turned SoCal surfer-DJ. That's hot."

He laughed, and we sat there chatting and sipping our coffee. It was fun getting acquainted with him. I had heard stories from Emmett, but they've never done Jasper justice. There was just something about him that made him so easy to be around.

By the time Emmett returned, we had already been swapping hilarious stories about our favorite person for ten minutes.

"Dinosaur pajamas and slippers?"

"Yes! I told you, he had dinosaur everything. Wallpaper, sheets and bedspread, stuffed animals, books. You name it, he had it. That's where his mom came up with the nickname," I explained.

"That's priceless. Please tell me you used that against him in the awkward teen years," Jasper laughed.

I giggled back at the thought of Emmett as _awkward_. "There was no such thing for Emmett. He's always been big and muscular somehow. Definitely no Jerry O'Connell years there."

"Oh, wow!" he responded with a lighthearted smile. "I haven't watched _Stand By Me_ in years. Maybe we can all do that while you're here."

"Only if you promise to sing the lollipop song with me," I said with a wink.

We were interrupted by my cousin's booming voice coming through the house. "Hey guys! Where are you?"

"Out here!" Jasper and I called back at the same time.

"Great. Getting to know each other?" he asked as he made is way through the kitchen to the open sliding glass doors.

"Hey Emmiesaurus Rex!" Jasper said, turning in his chair on the porch to face Emmett.

"I'll fucking kill you, Bella!" he exclaimed.

"Not so fast, Em. I want to see those leather pants I've heard so much about first," I cackled. Jasper and I were doubled over with laughter. When I looked up at Emmett, his whole face was tomato red. He eventually just shook his head at us, muttered some words I assumed were expletives under his breath, and retreated to his room to take a shower.

. . . . . . . . . .

Emmett and I spent much of Friday afternoon and the evening with Uncle Carlisle and Mommy-To-Be v5.0 before the rehearsal dinner. I can't say anything about either of them really surprised me. Carlisle only got more vain and shallow with each year and wife that came along. This tramptastic plastic woman, Tanya, was as cookie cutter lame as they come. Her hair was an unnatural shade of strawberry blonde and she obviously had hair extensions. Her nose had that super thin, weird look going on from one too many nose jobs, and her lips were a bit too plump for anyone who wasn't Angelina. It's not to say she wasn't pretty because I supposed she was, but it was just so _fake._ I didn't see the attraction to self-mutilation for the sake of vanity.

But whatever; it wasn't my place to judge. Uncle Carlisle was content, or if nothing else, he pretended to be. My only guess was that after all those years creating fake bodies for women, he had forgotten how a genuine woman looked and felt.

The rehearsal dinner probably cost more than most normal people's weddings, and Emmett and I made it our mission to out drink everyone else at the party by testing the bartender's range of martini recipes. It turned out he knew a lot. When it was all said and done, we decided the night was still young and went to enjoy the Friday festivities at Rendezvous.

Emmett attempted to point out Ali, the last of his bartenders who hadn't yet fallen for his antics, but my vision was a little too blurry to make out her actual face. I remembered that she was very small and had dark hair. Beyond that, I had no idea. I recalled seeing Jasper, too, but again, the details eluded me.

I woke up facedown in a feather pillow I had elegantly decorated with a puddle of drool and smudges of last night's eye make-up. An attempt to lift my head made me cringe, and I flipped the pillow over for a soft, dry place to hide.

"The fuck, Bella? Get your ass up!" I heard from the doorway.

In a most ladylike manner, I introduced Emmett and his loud self to my middle finger. _Must speak to Emmett about using his inside voice._

"Hit the showers, Swan. It's past noon. You have less than three hours to get ready for Daddy Warbucks' big day!"

"You go to hell. You go to hell and you die," I mumbled, not even attempting to use the appropriate South Park voice with my quote.

"Smart mouthin', eh? You know what that means!"

I did know.

Before I could scream, protect myself or hide, Emmett was flying through the air toward the bed. He crashed down into me with a loud thud that made the headboard crack off the wall. He then proceeded to steam roll me for good measure.

"Help!" I yelled as best as I could under Emmett's weight. "Jasper! Help me!"

A few moments later, I could hear Jasper in the doorway laughing right along with Emmett.

"That's a nice wax job you've got there, Bella," he chuckled.

"What...are...you...talking...about?" I asked from beneath my massive cousin who still refused to let up on the torture.

"Well," he continued. "The next time you pass out in a mini skirt, you may want to consider panties."

Emmett erupted into another fit of booming laughter, steam rolled me once more, and then hopped off the bed, running out of the room like a maniac. "Two and a half hours, Swan!"

I had managed to pull a sheet up over myself and I noticed Jasper still standing there. I gave him a questioning stare. He shrugged.

"What? I was just enjoying the show. Maybe I'll get another peek this weekend." And then he winked at me before leaving my doorway.

Not quite sure what to make of that in my hung over state, I shouted out to him and he popped his head back in the room. _Note to self: Don't yell, idiot. It hurts!_

"You saw me last night, right?" I asked.

"Umm, yeah. You were pretty entertaining from up in the booth," he chuckled at me.

"Well then, riddle me this. Did I just dream it or was I..."

"Dry humping Ryan Gosling on the dance floor? Indeed you were, Bella," he said with continued laughter.

"Sweet baby Jesus!" I cried, hiding my face in my hands. "Now _that's _humiliating."

"Fret not, sugar," _Oh hello there, sexy southern accent._ "From my vantage point, I do believe he enjoyed it. His lady companion on the other hand, well that's a different matter. But I've seen much worse in that place, so forget about it."

He gave me a reassuring smile, and then ducked out, pulling my door closed so I could get ready for the wedding.

Two hours later I emerged, greeted by a pair of low whistles. I knew I was blushing, but I still beamed at the guys and did a little twirl to display my dress.

I had selected a deep teal Nicole Miller that fell just above my knees. The halter neck dipped low into my cleavage, and the silky fabric hung gracefully over my curves. I had paired it with strappy heels that were something between a shade of gold and bronze, and I had the cutest clutch to match. I left my hair down in soft, shiny waves, and my make-up was light and understated. Even without their praise, I felt great.

"Damn Bells," Emmett said. "Never been touched by a scalpel and you're still the hottest thing in L.A."

"Word," Jasper agreed with a nod.

With that, we were off to the wedding. Emmett and I went straight to the country club in his Jeep, and Jasper left in his hot little Cadillac CTS to pick up Ali.

. . . . . . . . . .

Several hour and numerous glasses of champagne later, I wandered away from Uncle Carlisle's colleagues and friends and made my way back to our table. The last time I had seen Emmett he was on the dance floor with New Mommy's nineteen year old sister, but Jasper was there at the table alone.

"Not much of a dancer, are you?" I asked him. I plopped down in my seat and put my feet up on the chair between us.

"There is a reason I stay in the DJ booth," he smiled.

"I see. So where's Ali?"

He sighed, but didn't say anything. He was...brooding_. What is that all about?_

"What's wrong?" I asked after a moment.

"I'm pretty sure Ali is wherever Emmett is," he said.

"Oh, burn."

"I know, right?"

"Is that all?" I asked. There seemed to be more to it than what he was telling me.

"I don't want to get into it" he said flatly.

"Are you sure? I'm a good listener. And I'm an outside party. I have nothing invested in whatever it is, so I might be able to give you some perspective," I offered.

Jasper finally gave in and explained that he and Ali had been involved before, but things fizzled out when she decided they couldn't work together and continue seeing each other. He wasn't completely sure about the whole lesbian thing because, with her, anything was possible, but Emmett's pursuit of her was getting to him a little more than he liked to admit.

"The way I see it," I said, "Is that Emmett is probably oblivious to the fact that you ever had real feelings for her, and now he's just being Emmett. What does Emmett do? He tries to get laid. Put a girl in front of him who doesn't give at will, and he sees it as a challenge."

"You really have him pegged, don't you?" Jasper asked me with wide eyes and a knowing grin.

"What can I say?" I shrugged. "The only two people I know better than Emmett are myself and my best friend, and sometimes I wonder about myself."

He laughed with me, though I tried to convince him I meant it.

Just then, a waiter walked by with a tray of champagne and I stopped him to grab four glasses. Jasper eyed me skeptically.

"Thirsty?"

"Shut up and drink," I said, shoving a glass into his hands. I held mine up in a mock toast. "Screw confusing relationships, let's get drunk!"

He clinked his glass against mine, and we both downed the contents in one continuous gulp.

"Now," I said, grabbing another glass in one hand and his hand in my other. "Let's go."

"Bella, I told you I don't dance," he scowled.

"We're not dancing, we're walking. Get your drink, bitch," I said with a playful grin.

He stood and we wandered around for a while through the crowds of people, talking about all the obvious nips and tucks of the guest that were likely courtesy of Carlisle himself. People watching is always more fun in this city, and I hoped that all the talk about boobs would cheer Jasper up a little.

After an hour of mindless wandering and two and a half more glasses of champagne, he had finally loosened up, and we were having a great time together. I couldn't stop smiling, and there was never a lull in our conversation. I was attracted to him, of course, but I could tell that Jasper was someone I could really be friends with, too. I wasn't quite sure what to make of our time together and our flirtations, though. He came to the wedding with Ali, and he had confided in me about her. Was his mind still on her, or was he now interested in me? There was no lack of playful and affectionate touching between us, but I didn't want to be presumptuous and make the next few days of my visit awkward or uncomfortable. That didn't mean I was going to avoid contact with him, however; he had his arm around me as we headed inside the clubhouse to the restrooms. When I came out, he was already there waiting for me with a mischievous look on his face.

"Come on, Bella," he said, taking me by the hand. The main clubhouse had been styled like an old southern plantation house, and two curved staircases led up to the second floor.

We walked up the steps, and I proudly only tripped up them twice. We continued down a quiet hall, peeking into doors to find various offices and board rooms. When we got to one in the far back, he led me inside and walked over to the windows. The room we stood in overlooked the party below, and the crowd of several hundred looked even larger from here.

"Wow, I wonder if these people will ever get tired of coming to Carlisle's weddings," I said with a giggle and hiccup. _Yep, I'm a little tipsy._

"Doubtful," Jasper replied. He pulled the curtains on the windows and I eyed him suspiciously.

"Bella," he spoke again, making me shiver. His voice was suddenly low and husky, and I couldn't ignore the mischievous way he was looking at me. His eyes glinted with lust, and a playful grin graced his lips. As he moved closer to me, I couldn't help but notice his confident gait or the way his dress shirt clung to his broad shoulders. "Have you ever heard that theory, 'the best way to forget someone is with someone else?'" he finished.

_Yes, I do believe I'm familiar with that theory..._

_

* * *

  
_

_It's the edge of the world  
And all of western civilization  
The sun may rise in the East  
At least it settles in the final location  
It's understood that Hollywood  
sells Californication_

_**Red Hot Chili Peppers**_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and reposted September 09.**

**Song: End of the Summer by Theory of a Deadman**

**

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**

_Wait, didn't Emmett tell me not to do this?_

_He did._

_Then again, his reason was that he didn't want to hear me moaning, and he definitely wouldn't hear me right now._

_Oh! That was the curve of my jaw. I love that spot._

_Now, what was I thinking?_

_Ahhhh.....hot breath on my neck. Wow, strong tongue. I'm going to file that away for future reference…_

_Come on, Bella. Think._

_See through the champagne haze._

_Okay, Emmett. Jasper's roommate. My cousin._

_Emmett and Ali._

_It's fair right?_

_Ung......tongue.....neck.....jaw.....mouth, mouth, please mouth._

_Sweet, delicious lips on mine!_

_Oh, sweet heaven, such soft lips. Soft, soft, soft, soft, tastes like champagne and wedding cake. Mmm...even softer tongue._

_Wow, he is an incredible kisser. I wonder what else he could do with that tongue._

_No! Stop Bella! That's off limits anyway!_

_But, oh, wow, he's really great. And there's that ocean smell._

_How could a girl turn this down?_

_Oh, not the hands in my hair! I'm such a sucker for…oh god that feels good._

_Shit, I'm so wet! I should have worn panties!_

_Wait, I didn't know I'd need panties, and anyway, I couldn't risk a panty line in this dress. The fabric is just too unforgiving._

_Holy shit, he's back on the jaw line.....so slow....so fucking sexy._

_Mmmm....._

_Oh, hands on my ribs, down my hips, that feels good. Where's his mouth? Come back!_

_No! Stop!_

"Jasper...stop," I panted.

His face was eye level with my navel and his hands were holding onto the edge of my skirt, ready to lift it.

"What's wrong?" he whispered, laying a kiss just below my belly button. _Oh, hell..._

"You can't do...that."

One eyebrow raised on his gorgeous face as he looked up at me through long eye lashes.

"Too fast?" he asked, pulling himself back up to face me.

"No, it's not that," I sighed. "It's complicated, I can't explain."

"Try me," he offered, kissing my cheeks lightly.

I straightened myself up as best as I could, considering I was already pressed against a wall.

"I have..."

"A boyfriend?"

"Not exactly."

"What then?" he asked.

_Wow, his eyes are the color of the ocean, too. Wait, no, stay focused!_

"I have a...friend...and we have this, umm, arrangement."

He continued to stare as I bit my lip, trying to figure out the best way to put this. I could still taste him on my swollen skin, and his thumbs rubbing circles on my hip bones weren't helping anything.

"Okay, it's like, an open relationship, but we don't do _that_ with other people. Everything else is fine. Is that weird?"

He stepped back, still holding my hips, and considered it.

"No, not weird. I mean, I've never heard of that, but that takes integrity. I get it."

"Integrity?" I coughed out a single laugh. "I think that's a little strong, but it's just...our thing."

"Self-control, then," he decided. "Other things are okay, though?"

"Mmm hmm," I nodded, allowing my seductive smile to return.

"Good, because I can smell you."

"Smell me?"

"Yeah."

"From here?" I shifted uncomfortably and bit my lip again. If I hadn't been riding a solid buzz from all the champagne, I probably would have been a little more embarrassed by his statement, but I could see in his eyes that he wasn't trying to make me feel bad. He was talking _dirty_ and it was fucking hot.

"I have a very acute sense of smell, Bella."

"Oh..." _Yeah, fucking hot._

_Finally, those lips are back on mine. Mmm...yeah, that's good. So good._

I pulled back for a moment, looking into his eyes until I was sure I had his full attention. His hands were otherwise preoccupied with my chest, but his gaze was expectant.

"Is…is that okay?" I asked nervously.

"Sweetie, there is plenty I can do with my mouth besides that." The confidence in his voice was so self-assured and sexy that a shiver ran through my whole body.

Undeterred by my interruption, he resumed kissing me, making me feel as though I could come just from that simple act.

"Mmm, I want to taste you," he mumbled into my mouth.

"I...I can't," whispered back.

"Shh...not like that."

Keeping his lips connected to mine, he slid one hand down the length of my skirt and under the soft fabric. With slow, intentional movement, he brought a single fingertip to my already wet center. He hummed into my mouth as he made his way between my sensitive folds and inside me. I gasped at the sensation and bucked my hips forward into his hand.

His movements were torturously slow. Little circles and slides in deep, then almost all the way out. After several rotations, he began sliding out again, removing his finger completely this time. I reflexively pressed closer to him and gasped, and he chuckled at my reaction.

"What…why did you stop?" I asked breathlessly between little pecks. I did not receive a verbal reply.

He straightened himself up, pulling away from my kiss, and I watched him draw his hand to his mouth. The finger that had just been between my legs was now brushing across his lips, finally slipping into his mouth. I watched in wonder as he swirled his tongue around his own finger, locking his eyes with mine through the entire action. My eyes grew wide with shock, but also with irrefutable lust. I didn't think I had ever been so visually turned on in my life. Unintentionally, I had been holding my breath.

"Divine," he smiled. "Breathe, Bella. I can't enjoy this if you pass out on me."

He returned his hand to its place, understanding that my body was now begging for him, and he used another finger this time. I forced my back against the wall to steady my legs. My knees were weak already and I knew I couldn't count on them for much support.

He continued rubbing me from within, driving me mad with pleasure, so much so that I thought I might collapse when he slid out again. He drew his fingers up to his mouth, still commanding me with his eyes to watch him, but this time he reached into my wetness with his other hand. A fresh flow of my liquid heat spilled onto his hand.

This pattern continued for, well, really I have no idea. Alternating hands – sucking me off the fingers of one hand while fucking me with the other. In between, he would give me quick kisses, licking at my lips and tongue to be sure I could taste myself in his mouth. He didn't speak, but that made it all more intense. Instead, he kept his eyes locked on mine every time our kiss was broken.

It was all kind of surreal; it felt a little dirty and kinky, but how different was this from someone going down on me? It wasn't, I decided, and slipped back into the sensation of it all – the way his fingers played me like an instrument, the devilish determination in his eyes, the taste of his kiss and my juices mixed together, the sounds of our hungry groans in harmony.

When I knew I was reaching my edge, I grabbed his wrist and held his hand in place between my thighs. He understood me and curled his fingers in a new way that nearly sent me over right there. I wound my fingers into his hair, pulling tightly and securing his mouth against mine. I kissed him furiously and bit down hard on his lower lip when the fire shot through me.

My high pitched moan filled the room. "Oh, fuck…Jasper…"

He groaned as I screamed his name, then he caught me before my legs finally gave out, sliding us down onto the floor together.

I closed my eyes and focused on catching my breath. When I finally recovered, I tipped my head back to stare at him.

"That was just...wow...wow. Fucking hot."

"I know. You are incredible," he smiled stupidly at me. There was an unmistakable look of boyish pride in his eyes.

"Me? I didn't do anything."

"Yes, yes you did, Bella."

_Huh, I guess that turned him on as much as it did me._

"Well, that was definitely a, umm, first," I smirked.

"Me, too."

_Wow, really? Those were some crazy seductive skills._

I moved closer, placing another kiss squarely on his mouth.

"We should get back," I sighed.

"Mmm hmm," he half-heartedly agreed but didn't stop. His hand went to my hair, smoothing out the waves that were rumpled from our activities.

"Just one more minute."

"Or two."

"Or ten."

"I'd need much longer than that, sweetness."

"I'd love to find out."

Our words were muffled against each others' mouths, spread out and choppy between heavy breaths and many kisses. I rolled slightly, planting myself in his lap as I straddled him. My hands slid down to his pants while my mouth explored his neck.

Unfortunately, we were interrupted by Jasper's phone before things could go any further.

"It's Emmett," he said, flipping it open. "Hey Em, what's up? Oh. Yeah, where are you guys? I'll be right there."

"What was that?" I asked when he had closed his phone.

"That was Ali. Apparently Emmett's throwing up all over the place and she doesn't know what to do."

"Shit," I responded, scrambling to my feet. "I told him to be careful with the champagne. Give the giant a fifth of Jack and he's fine, but that fool can't handle a few glasses of bubbly at all!"

We quickly composed ourselves and headed back to the party. Outside, we found Emmett on his hands and knees near the side of the building. He was coughing and spitting, but it appeared the festivities were over. Ali had her back to him but glanced down at him every few seconds. She looked completely helpless. And disgusted. I was grateful we were in a spot that was out of view of the wedding guests. Emmett had done the same exact thing at the last wedding, and Uncle Carlisle was none too pleased. I'll leave it at that.

I sent Ali to the caterer's station to retrieve a few bottles of water, and I ran inside to get some wet paper towels. By the time I returned, Jasper had managed to prop Emmett up against the wall, nice and far from his giant puddle of regurgitated Cristal.

"DJ Rebel!" Emmett yelled as I wiped him down with the cool towels. "You pussy! No, no, I mean you smell like pussy!"

His eyes wavered between squinting and closed, and his head kept tipping to one side. Hopefully that meant he'd forget that particular observation.

"Exactly how much did you drink, my friend?" Jasper asked, ignoring the comment from his drunk roommate.

Ali answered for him. "He grabbed three bottles of champagne before we went down to the water. He drank two himself and finished mine."

"On top of the six glasses he had during the cocktail hour and dinner?" I asked in utter disbelief. No wonder he was coughing up his intestines!

"You were counting?" Jasper said with a mix of surprise and amusement as he stared at me.

"You've obviously never seen Emmett when he drinks champagne," I said with a sarcastic edge. "Well, I guess you have now. _This_ is why I was counting."

"Damn," he and Alice said at the same time.

I slapped Emmett upside the head, though I'm sure he couldn't feel it. "You dumb fuck. No champagne _ever_ again!"

"Yes, Mommy," Emmett mumbled with a closed-lip smile. His eyes never opened.

We all burst into a fit of giggles.

"At least he's semi-conscious," I sighed.

By the time we dragged Emmett out to the Jeep, got him secured in the passenger seat, and went back to the party to retrieve our things, Jasper and I both felt thoroughly sober. Since I can't drive stick, he took Emmett home in the Jeep, and I took Ali home in his Cadillac. It was kind of an awkward drive. I had seen the suspicious looks she was giving Jasper and me when we came to help her, and I definitely didn't miss the face she made about Emmett's pussy comment. Not to mention I didn't really know her outside of the dinner conversation during the reception, and that wasn't long enough for us to become friends. Especially the way Emmett dominates a conversation.

When I pulled up to her apartment, she looked at me skeptically before getting out of the car.

"Did you fool around with Jasper?" she asked flatly.

"Did you fool around with my cousin?" I countered.

I was in no mood for this game. I may have hooked up with her date and ex-whatever, but she ditched him for Emmett first, and I could tell she knew I had her trapped in that.

"Good night. Thank you for the ride," she finally conceded.

"You're welcome. And thank you for helping Emmett," I said sincerely.

I returned to the condo to discover that my cousin was essentially dead to the world. Jasper had managed to get him out of the Jeep, but he was still trying to drag him through the door when I got there. It looked like Jasper was carrying a dead body. With a great deal of effort on both our parts, even more giggles, and several smacks of Emmett's head off the tile floor, we got him into his bed. We managed to remove his clothes, down to his boxers, and we left him to sleep in his nice dark bedroom.

I showered and put on some pajamas just in time greet Mother Nature's special gift. _A day early! What is this about?_ When I walked out to the kitchen to get some water, I saw that Jasper had also cleaned up and had gotten himself into comfy mode.

"Wanna watch a movie?" he offered.

"Sure." Despite my self-imposed cock block, I was still thrilled that he wanted to spend more time together. I enjoyed Jasper's company even without the mind-blowing, kinky foreplay.

"Cool, I have a flat screen in my bedroom," he said, leading the way.

I wasn't quite sure how to react about going to his bedroom, especially under my buzzkill circumstances. I guess I hadn't really had time to consider sleeping with him with the whole Emmett debacle, but I wondered about Jasper's intentions. I'm fully aware that "movie" can be code for hooking up, but sometimes it just means watching a movie.

I decided to let Jasper take the lead, so I perched on the edge of his bed as he got everything ready. When the movie was on and lights were off, he propped himself against the headboard with a mountain of pillows behind him and patted the spot between his legs. I slid up to my place, leaned back against his chest, and he wrapped his arm around me.

It was really nice. We actually watched the movie. The whole thing. Occasionally he would rub my shoulder or play with the ends of my hair or kiss the top of my head, but that was it. When it was over, he pulled me down to lay with him and we talked. We kissed a little, but he didn't try anything else. I found myself with an odd mixture of relief and confusion over that.

I loved that it was so easy to talk to Jasper. Despite his career choice, his musical taste went far beyond club mixes. I listed as many of the concerts and shows I had attended in college as I could remember, and as I would he would give me his opinions of each artist and tell me if he'd seen them live or met them before. I told him about growing up in Washington, college, and my friends; he talked about Texas, how he ended up in California, and his favorite places in L.A. When we noticed it getting close to dawn, we sat out on the porch and watched the sun come up together.

We went to sleep in our own respective beds after that, just in case Emmett woke up before us. It was really peaceful sleep. The way I woke up a few hours later, however, was not so peaceful.

"Bellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

I rolled off my bed and slunk down the hall to Emmett's room. He was flat on his back, eyes closed and fingers pressed into his temples.

"Belly, my brain hurts. Who's been drilling holes in my skull?"

"One word, Emmett McCarty. Champagne," I said without humor.

"Shhh, don't yell."

"I'm not."

"Do I still have all my major organs and body parts?"

"Yes," I sighed, walking over to sit on the bed next to him and stroke his curly hair.

"Could you please go fill the bathtub with cold water and bring me a straw? I'm pretty sure I could consume that much right now," he said.

I couldn't hold back a little giggle.

"All right, you big lush, here's the deal. You hit the showers and I will make you a nice greasy breakfast." I used my fingers to pull his mouth up into a forced smile.

"And coffee. Lots of coffee."

"And coffee," I agreed.

Once I had Emmett cleaned up, fed, and somewhat recovered, we decided to hit some of our favorite spots in the city. My month-long visits to California had ended after high school, and it had been over a year since the last time I had been down to visit at all. We spent the entire afternoon and evening out walking, shopping, and eating at one of my favorite restaurants. The way of life here was so different from what I'm used to around Seattle, and it was great to be somewhere different. I felt good just being there. The sunshine, the fast paced lifestyle, hanging out with one of my favorite people; it was an escape for me.

As we sat sipping Italian espresso after dinner, Emmett brought up a subject we had discussed numerous times before.

"Seriously, Bella, it's been awesome having you around again. I wish you'd move down here," he said. His eyes were shining with sincerity and child-like hope.

"I know," I sighed. This topic never failed to bring out the guilt in me.

"I mean it! You've been out of college for more than two years now, and so far you've worked at a bar and a daycare. I don't think that qualifies for anything in the P.R. field."

"I just haven't figured out what I want to do yet," I said defensively.

"You know Charlie would appreciate it if you actually made use of that degree, and it really doesn't matter what you do. Just do something different. You finally got away from that asshat James. Where is your life going now?"

I cringed at the mention of my ex-boyfriend's name, but a part of me knew Emmett was right. I had met James right after I graduated, and I stayed around for him. I never really felt like a small town in Washington was where I was meant to stay, but I hadn't figured out all those details yet. Having Rosalie made it hard, too. We had talked a thousand times about packing up and moving somewhere new together, but we never did it. There was always an excuse of money, time or family, and now she had Felix. I really didn't believe she would leave him. She was far too co-dependent, even though she didn't need to be. It was one of the reasons she always ended up back with Demetri. My life wasn't anything extravagant or wonderful, but it was easy. I wasn't overjoyed by it all, but I wasn't miserable, either. Things would change eventually, wouldn't they? I' would meet someone great and get married and have a family and somewhere in there I'd find a better job and a better house. That's how life was supposed to happen; I was just waiting for things to fall into place.

Monday morning came too soon, and I was packing my things to head home. While Emmett was loading my luggage into the Jeep and waiting for me, I went to say goodbye to Jasper. We hadn't really seen each other the day before, and I wanted to be sure to see him before I left. He seemed to be thinking the same thing as he came out of his bedroom.

"I had a really great time getting to know you, Bella," he said as he gave me a big hug.

"Me too," I agreed, resting my head on his warm chest. "I'm going to try to visit again soon."

"That would be great. Take care, okay?" He lifted my chin and pressed a soft, closed-lip kiss against mine.

I nodded, looking up at him and smiling.

"You too." I pulled away a little and then moved my mouth close to his ear. "And good luck with Ali." I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, he squeezed my hands in his, and I walked out the door.

As Emmett and I approached the airport, I knew I had to have one last conversation with him. I took a deep breath to prepare myself.

"Em, will you do something for me?" I asked.

"Anything, Bells. What's up?" he asked, looking at me innocently.

"Back off of Ali. For Jasper's sake."

He shook his head at me and looked back to the road.

"Pssh, that mess was ages ago. It was nothing. He doesn't care what I do with that chick," he chuckled.

I looked at him seriously. "I think you're wrong about that."

He turned back to me and I watched his dimples fade with his smile. I knew he could see in my eyes that I wasn't joking around with him. He looked at me curiously, trying to read what I meant and how I knew, and then he became solemn.

"Okay," he finally agreed.

After saying farewell to my teary-eyed cousin, I hugged him hard and dragged my suitcase to the check-in line. An hour and a half later I was on a plane to Seattle, watching the California landscape fade out below me.

I hated to leave, but I was looking forward to getting back to Rosalie and having some girl time.

* * *

_Here we are  
At the end  
Say goodbye to all your friends  
Here we go watching the sun go round  
Sitting on a rooftop making time stop  
I never want to come back down_

_**Theory of a Deadman**_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by Project Team Beta and reposted September 09.**

**Song: Ghost Man on Third by Taking Back Sunday**

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* * *

  
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Rosalie was waiting at the airport when I returned to Seattle, and I was so glad to see her. It felt like it had been a million years. We weren't used to spending multiple days away from one another, so it had been tough. I had loved my time in L.A., but she was my other half. As much fun as I had, I knew I would have had a much better time if she'd been there with me. We always had a better time together, no matter what.

"Ugh, I missed you!" she said, hugging me tightly.

I returned the hug and sentiments and began telling her about every detail of my extra long weekend. We had spoken on the phone a couple times, but the conversations were short. I liked telling Rose about Emmett because I always thought they would be kind of perfect for each other, but she blew me off whenever I brought up that subject. She was pretty intrigued by my description of the whole Jasper make out session, though.

"So you're pretty into him now?" she asked. I could tell she was picking my brain for more clues about my feelings.

I thought carefully about how to word it so that I could give her the best explanation.

"I don't know. I don't think it was a regular 'fuck and run' hook up, but I don't want to marry him or anything. We were definitely a little drunk, and he was more upset about that Ali girl than he was saying. It was just fun, and it turned into this whole erotic, crazy experience. Then it was just like we were friends. We hung out and talked, and it was cool. We just...connected, I guess. I like him, but I don't think I like him like that."

"Well, would you have sex with him if you went back next week?" she asked, trying to understand what I meant.

"Theoretically, yes. God, yes. I'm sure it would be incredible, but realistically, I don't think so. He has real feelings for that girl that he needs to work through, and I'm not really sure Emmett would appreciate me getting it on with his best friend," I explained with a brief laugh at the end.

"Oh," she said, considering what I'd told her. "You really don't think Emmett knows anything happened with you guys?"

"No, he was way too drunk. I'm not kidding when I say he puked his guts out."

"Does Ali know?"

"Yeah, I think she does. She saw us walk up together after she called Jasper, and she heard Emmett's little comment." I explained that Ali had asked me about it directly but that I avoided answering by calling her out on being with Emmett. I didn't fool around with Jasper to spite her, and besides, she ditched him first.

"It's over and done with," I finally said. "I'm home, and the three of them can work it all out amongst themselves."

"True," she agreed.

After completing my play-by-play of the L.A. trip, she filled me in on the bar gossip and what she and the guys had done in the last few days. She usually kept me in the know about Jacob, since she occasionally saw him when I wasn't around, but he behaved around her for the most part. He wasn't really a quiet guy, but he tamed his wild streak a little better than the rest of the guys. I hadn't spoken to him since after bike night last week, so I made a mental note to send him a text later.

The news that really surprised me was that Garrett had been hanging around this girl Chelsea while I was gone. Apparently, she had come to Rose's bar with the guys Thursday night when Rose was working and over to Felix's with Garrett on Saturday night. I knew who she was, but I had never been impressed with her. She was kind of a 'butterface,' as far as I was concerned. I didn't exactly feel jealous that he was interested in her, but I did feel a little contempt. I mean, I'm well aware how much better looking I am than her. It was stupid, though. We weren't dating, I just had a bit of a possessive moment. Jacob knew better than to flirt with anyone else around me, and I gave him the same respect, but I didn't have that with Garrett. If he wanted to bring someone else around, he had every right. I made out with Jacob in front of him constantly. On the other hand, it might be a good thing. I hadn't really made a decision about him yet, so this could be my out. Did I want an out? I wasn't sure yet.

Rather than play mental ping pong over a guy I hadn't even slept with, I decided to formulate a plan with Rosalie. I knew she and Garrett still playfully flirted sometimes, especially when they were drinking or Felix wasn't around, so her involvement would be priceless. When I told her my idea, she was thrilled to help.

I avoided Garrett's calls and told Jacob I needed to settle in after my trip, so I would see him Wednesday night.

The plan was set, and I was ready to play.

. . . . . . . . . .

I stood at the edge of the parking lot and flipped my phone open to send Rosalie a text.

_I'm here. Are we good? -B_

She replied immediately.

_Perfect timing. C is here with G, should make this even better. -R_

I walked through the crowd faster than usual, not bothering to strut or put any extra sway in my hips until I was in sight of the back bar.

Rosalie and Felix were standing with Jacob, Garrett and Chelsea. The rest of the guys stood near the bar talking to some random girls. The whole thing was better than I had planned!

I sauntered up behind Rosalie, ignoring everyone but Felix, who I winked at. I wrapped my arms around her and grabbed her tits in both my hands. I saw Felix's eyes bug out a little as I squeezed them before she spun around.

"Bella, my love!"

"Rosie!"

We locked into our typical embrace, but instead of our quick peck, we met each other with a long open mouthed kiss. I ran my fingers into her long blonde hair for effect, and she squeezed my ass really hard.

A series of simultaneous comments burst out behind us.

"Shit!"

"Hot damn!"

"Oh. My. God..."

"Yes, please."

And finally a loud, feminine, "Eww" that obviously came from Chelsea.

When we felt it had gone on long enough, we gave each other European cheek kisses, and turned back to the spectators.

"Hey guys," I smiled innocently.

"Uh, hey, Bella," they all muttered, still frozen in place.

I took a few steps over to Jacob and laid my hand flat against his lower abs, running it up his chest. When I got to his shoulder, I put my free hand on the other one, pulled him down to me, and glued his mouth to mine. As I pulled away, he had a smile like a kid locked in a toy store overnight. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, causing me to squeak in surprise. We spun around in circles, which made me giggle uncontrollably. When he was done he told me how much he had missed me, and then he carried me around to each of our friends so they could smack my ass before he put me down. I shoved him into a chair and sat in his lap, kissing him again.

I turned toward my next target and licked my lips.

"Garrett, babe, would you mind grabbing me a beer? I seem to be a little dizzy right now." I pulled a wad of cash from my cleavage and handed him a few dollars. With a dumbfounded look, he took the cash and walked toward the bar, Chelsea on his heels.

My phone beeped moments later with a text from Rosalie. She was only a few feet away from me, so I bit my lip and smiled anxiously before opening my phone. It must be something funny if she wouldn't say it out loud.

_That was priceless. I wish you could have seen everyone's faces. I worship you, master of seduction. xoxo -R_

. . . . . . . . . .

As I expected, Garrett called me the next afternoon the minute my lunch break started.

"You are an evil, evil woman."

"Point being?" I teased.

"Point being I think I love you, and I need to see you naked."

"Is that right?"

"Absofuckinglutely. What are you doing tonight?" he asked.

I let him playfully argue with me about it for a while, but I finally agreed to hang out later that evening.

Truthfully, I thought I might drag the whole thing out a little bit longer. I had so much fun acting like a jackass with him, and I felt like I never stopped laughing when we talked and spent time together. Although I had never thought of myself as someone particularly funny, Garrett disagreed. He called me his Laid Back Chick, and I really felt like I saw a different side of him when it was just us. Anytime I mentioned that, he would say he thought the same thing about me.

After I-don't-know-how-many shots that night, I got gutsy and approached the Chelsea subject. It was one of the fleeting warm nights of the summer and we'd been sitting at the patio of a yuppy bar I came to occasionally. I saw him tense up momentarily at the mention of her name, which made the breeze play with pieces of his hair all the more. I eventually got him to admit that he hadn't slept with her yet, and that pretty much sealed the deal for me. My uninhibited state combined with the possessive feelings I had developed when Rosalie mentioned Chelsea to me took over. I decided that I needed to have him before that girl did.

We went back to my apartment shortly after that, and I can't say I was disappointed in any way. He definitely _measured up_, and everything he did was a sharp contrast to what I had become so accustomed to with Jacob. As slutty as it might seem to some people, I _liked_ the variety. What was the point of being young and single if I couldn't enjoy myself? After our first go round, Garrett somehow managed to get me into the shower for no reason that had to do with getting clean, and seeing water drip off his long hair and muscles was enough to keep me ravenous.

When we finally settled down, we turned on some late night talk show and snuggled up on my bed. Not long after, we were interrupted by my phone ringing. Recognizing the ringtone I had selected for Edward, I launched myself across the room and turned it off as quickly as I could, returning to Garrett without looking at him. I tried to act as casual as possible, but I felt as though my heart would pound out of my chest. I was sure he could feel my pulse racing.

"Who was that?" he asked.

"Nobody I need to talk to…forget about it," I tried.

"Come on, Bella. I know your ringtone for Jake is LL Cool J, which is fucking hilarious, by the way. That was obviously another guy." His tone was both teasing and a little smug.

"It was just a friend," I shrugged.

"You're a bad liar."

I knew that I was a bad liar when I was put on the spot like this, but I really didn't know how to react. I hadn't heard from Edward since the night I told him not to call me, and just now, yeah, he was definitely calling me. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again. I don't even know why I left his number or that stupid song in my phone at all.

I tried snuggling back into Garrett's chest and watching TV, but he wasn't giving up yet.

"That's someone else you're fucking," he taunted with a laugh. "You didn't want me to hear that because it's someone you're fucking!"

"What makes you think that?" I asked, playing dumb. Garrett obviously knew that Jacob and I were not an exclusive couple by any means, but I had no interest in discussing other guys with him. All I wanted to do was go back to cuddling.

"Because it's a Maroon 5 song."

"So?" I eyed him skeptically. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Bella, come on. All Maroon 5 songs are about sex, especially that one. It's cool, though," he shrugged and stroked my hair. "I don't care what you do. I'm just having a good time busting your balls about it."

"I'm pretty sure I don't have balls," I teased.

"Thank God!" He wrapped his arms around me and rolled us so that he was hovering above me, inches from my face. "I'd better get another good look at what you do have, though."

I was more than happy to drop the subject of that particular ringtone and enjoy the distraction from that unexpected phone call.

. . . . . . . . . .

My distraction didn't last nearly long enough. Edward called me the next night, and I ignored it yet again. He also called twice on Saturday and three times on Sunday. I could feel my nerve to hit that end button on my phone starting to give, and that was not good.

Each time I heard that freaking song my heart would stop momentarily. I would jump and scramble to make it just go away. I tried to dissect what I was feeling, but it wasn't one single thing I could place. There was annoyance at his persistence, anger for what he had said to me, and confusion about why he would call after I told him to forget about me. Unfortunately, there was also the thrill and excitement boiling in my blood. For whatever reason, he wanted to talk to me - enough that he just kept calling and calling even when I didn't answer or listen to any of the voicemails he left me. I hated being happy about it. It took everything I had to push those butterfly feelings aside and just...hate him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to call him a cheating dog who didn't deserve my time, but I couldn't.

After a while, all I could think of were those amazing green eyes and his gorgeous body, the feel of his thick coppery hair between my fingers, and the sensation of his big hands running down my back. I found myself lost in a memory of Edward on top of me, propped up on his forearms and staring into my eyes as he slid into me. I audibly gasped, which was enough to snap me back into reality and slap myself across the face.

It was all just so stupid.

I had a life, a job, friends, guys - a world of things to fill my life and occupy my mind. So why was I feeling this pull to someone who wasn't mine?

I didn't want him to leave his family or anything rash, that hadn't changed. I didn't want to be around someone who disrespected me. What did I want?

I knew that staying away from him was the best thing to do. As long as I could do that, I wouldn't be responsible for anything he did, and I could just go on with my life.

I willed him not to call me anymore. I considered changing my phone number. I worked out twice as long as I normally did, and I barely ate. Those stupid, persistent phone calls were creating so much anxiety in my life.

By Monday after work, I felt like things were getting completely out of my control, so I went to the only person I knew could pick my brain apart and put the pieces back together sans craziness.

"Rosie, I need you. Meet me at the gym and let's have a girl's night," I said to her voicemail. I was already on my way there and hoped she would get my message. I hadn't spoken to her since Sunday morning and had forgotten to ask if she had work today. I had been a bit of a recluse over the weekend, and a pang of guilt hit me for being such a poor friend. _I can be so selfish sometimes. Maybe she's had something going on and I haven't even been available to her._

By the time she arrived at the gym, I'd already been on the treadmill for twenty minutes. Sweat was pouring down my face, my neck, my back, and I just let it. My towel remained dry and my bottle of water was untouched. I could hear myself panting loudly, even over the heavy guitar and drums pounding out of my iPod.

Rose stepped onto the treadmill next to me and peered over at my monitor.

"Shit, Bella," she said after pulling the earbud out of my ear. "Three miles in twenty minutes? Are you training for a 5K or something?"

I met her eyes for the first time and just kind of stared. I managed a half shrug and repositioned my earbud. She seemed wary of my response, but accepted it, punching time into her own machine and beginning to run along side of me.

Three miles later, I slowed the treadmill to a walking pace and finally stopped it. I stood slightly hunched over, hands on my knees, panting. I could see that the belt below me was splattered with drops of sweat. Once I managed to regain a little strength, I stood upright and grabbed my water. I drank half of it and pulled my earbuds out with a single tug on the cord. Rose had stopped her own run and was watching me carefully. I looked at her and didn't say anything until she reached for my towel and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said through a strained breath.

Without saying anything else, we walked to a partially closed off area with mats and exercise balls where we normally did our stretching.

"What's going on with you?" she finally asked.

I knew there was no chance of masking my feelings from her, especially after that extreme display. It wouldn't be worth trying anyway, I would just tell her eventually. I sat down on the floor, legs straddled in front of me and took a deep breath.

"My head is so screwed up," I said with little inflection.

She stared at me pointedly, waiting for me to continue.

"Edward's been calling again," I whispered.

"That fucker!" she yelled, drawing the attention of a pair of older women nearby. She smiled at them apologetically and turned back to me. "I can't believe you're talking to him again after what happened."

"No, no, I'm not!" I said defensively. My hands were held up in front of me, palms out toward her. "I haven't answered, but he's called..." I paused to do the mental math. "…seven times since Thursday."

"Has he left messages?"

"Yes, but I haven't listened to any of them."

"Hmm, well I'll listen to them for you and tell you what they say."

She knew me so well. Or maybe it was just that she understood what the sound of certain men's voices can do to a woman. There were many times I had listened to Demetri's messages for her in the past. It was easier to have someone else deal with it sometimes. I agreed, and we finished our stretching so that we could get back to her house.

Since she lived closer to our gym, we normally went over there after our work outs. We took turns in the shower and made ourselves comfortable in sweat pants and tank tops afterward. As always, Harley lay on the bed supervising us, her eyes darting around the room as we did. I flopped down next to her and scratched under the big doggy ears I loved as Rose finished towel drying her hair.

"Okay, phone," Rosalie said with her hand extended once she was on the bed with me.

I handed it over, and she punched in my password. She listened carefully to the menu options, looking back and forth from me to Harley.

"Seven new messages. Well, he wanted to make sure you knew he was calling," she sighed.

I watched intently as she listened to each one, trying to read her face. She looked annoyed, but her expression was soft and sympathetic toward my pensive nail biting.

"He's sorry, please call," she said after deleting the first message.

"Doesn't want to leave things like this." _Delete._

"Please call back. Sounds like a pussy there," she added. _Delete._

"More apologizing." _Delete._

"Can't stop thinking about what he said. He feels terrible. Doesn't want to leave things this way." _Delete._

"You deserve better than how he treated you, and he just wants to apologize." _Delete._

"Says he's going to keep calling until you answer." _Delete._ "That was the last one."

She looked at me, waiting for a reaction. I put my hands on either side of my head and let out a long, exaggerated sigh while shaking my head back and forth.

"I'm not going to answer if he calls," I resolved, staring at my phone still in her hands.

"That might be best," she said hesitantly. "Or you could just talk to him so that he stops stalking you."

"What?" I asked, incredulous. "You can't be serious...can you?"

She shrugged. "He said he's going to keep calling, and after hearing all that," she waved her free hand over the phone, "I'm pretty sure he meant it. Just get it over with."

"I don't know..." I said slowly.

Just then, that familiar song started playing from my cell. Harley jumped up and barked, and I reached over to yank the phone from Rose's hand. I immediately hit end and huffed. Rosalie didn't say anything, but her eyebrows were furrowed at my reaction.

Seconds later he called again. I hit end faster this time and tossed the phone onto the pillow beside me.

When it rang a third time, Rosalie snatched it up before I could.

"Rose, don't!" I protested, trying to grab it from her. She held her arm back and scowled at me.

"Just let me take care of this, okay?"

I sighed and nodded. I knew she would answer it even if I said no, so I gave up the fight.

"Hello?" she sang into the phone. "No, I'm sorry, Edward. This is Rosalie. Yes, thank you, I'm doing well. Yes she is. Mmm hmm, let me get her for you."

She held the phone out to me with her free hand cupped over the receiver end.

"Talk to him!" she mouthed.

I shook my head furiously, but she just gave me that devil look I knew meant she was serious.

I hesitantly took the phone in my shaky hand and drew it to my ear.

"What?" I snapped.

"Oh, Bella. Hi," he said quietly. I didn't respond. "Listen Bella, I feel awful...terrible for the way we left things. Please, I'm so sorry. I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me. I know what I said must have made me sound like the biggest dickhead on the planet, but I didn't mean it like that."

There was a sort of desperation in his voice. I didn't want to hear it, but I could not ignore it. We had only known each other a short time, yet I felt so tuned in to everything he said and how he spoke. It was almost frightening.

"Just...shut up," I whispered.

"Bella?"

I tried to ignore the worry and shame I could hear so clearly in his voice.

"It's fine. I'm fine. Forget about it, all right?" I wasn't sure if he could hear the pleading in my tone, but I couldn't take any more of his apologies. I just couldn't. It made my head throb and bile creep up to my throat.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly. I could sense the guilt in his words, and I found myself extremely grateful that Rosalie had listened to all those voicemails for me. I didn't want to hear it; his voice alone was torture.

"Yeah. I need to go, Edward. Take care."

I snapped the phone shut before he could respond and scrambled to pop the battery out without bothering to turn it off first. I tossed the pieces on the floor and threw myself face first into the pillow.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" I screamed into the soft down. I could feel Harley nudging me and Rosalie pushing her away to cuddle up next to me.

"Bella? Are you okay, honey?" she asked, brushing my hair off to one side of my face. I finally decided I couldn't breathe through feathers forever, and I turned my head to face her.

"I don't know," I muttered.

"It's okay," she assured me, rubbing small circles on my shoulder blades now. "At least you got it over with. It's like a band-aid, right?"

"Yeah. Like a band-aid."

"I know how it feels," she said softly. Her voice was so kind now but also laced with concern.

"What do you mean?"

"This is how it was with Felix the first time around."

"Oh, Rose! I'm sorry!" I cried, burying my face in the pillow again. I felt so ashamed for not being there for her back then, even more so now that I had a comparable experience to understand what she must have gone through.

"Don't do that again." She stopped rubbing my back and waited for me to look at her. "I'm fine. We're fine. It was just something I had to go through. Edward wouldn't have stopped calling and you know it. You just had to let it happen, and now things will be easier. He obviously knows he's a fuck up, and he feels bad about it. He wouldn't feel bad about it if he didn't care about you, so now you know. The ball is in your court, my love."

I picked my head up and wiggled up to sit Indian style facing her. She did the same and looked me in the eyes.

"Really?" I asked. _Was that hope in my voice? Huh..._

"Really. Now let's be done with this and order a pizza. I'll rub your legs until it gets here cuz heaven knows you're going to be sore as hell tomorrow after that marathon on the treadmill."

"Yeah," I agreed, dialing up our favorite wood-fired pizza place and ordering the usual.

I knew what Rosalie had made me do was right, wasn't it? Edward was being persistent and obviously needed to unload the guilt he was feeling. Now that it was over I could just move on and not be bothered by it anymore.

Unfortunately, I just couldn't shake the feeling of a dam breaking and the power hungry sex goddess creeping back into my head. How could I possibly deny someone I was incredibly attracted to when he never gave me a chance to forget him?

* * *

_It's times like these where silence means everything  
And no one is to know about this  
It's a campaign of distraction  
And revisionist history_

_**Taking Back Sunday**_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by isoldephi and Vi0lentSerenity (thank you!) and reposted October 09.**

**Song: No Way Out by Theory of a Deadman**

**

* * *

  
**

Edward called Tuesday when I was hanging out at Felix's house with Rosalie and Jacob. _End._

Edward called Wednesday while I was at the last bike night of the summer with everyone. I think Garrett may have heard it because he raised his eyebrows at me when the phone rang. _End._

Edward called Thursday while I was playing pool with a few of the regulars at Rosalie's bar. _End._

Edward called Friday when Rosalie and I were on our way to dinner with her parents. _End._

"Edward?" she asked. It wasn't actually necessary for her to ask, she knew that was his ringtone. She was providing me with an opportunity to talk about it.

"He keeps calling. I thought that whole band-aid thing was supposed to end this. I let him apologize. Why does he keep calling?" I whined. I wasn't sure if I was ready to speak to him again or how to act when we did talk.

"If you'd answer your phone you might be able to find out," she teased. "If you don't want to talk to him anymore, then tell him to fuck off. Either way, you have to answer the phone and get it over with."

"You're smiling? Stop smiling!" It was funny I was telling her that because I couldn't keep myself from grinning. I knew she was right, just like last time.

I was torn. Every time I heard Edward's ringtone and saw his name on my caller ID since the last time we spoke, I got a little excited. He still wanted me. He wasn't willing to give up on me even after the verbal beating I gave him. If he wanted to have sex with someone other than his wife, I knew he would have no problem finding someone to fill that role. He was, by far, the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, and charm just oozed out of him. I couldn't bring myself to believe that he wanted just anyone, though. He had called me over and over until I finally spoke to him, and now he was doing it again. No matter how hard I tried to thwart his efforts, he always managed to break down my walls. Where he had been so cautious and on edge with me before, he was now calm, collected, and determined. For some reason I could not fully understand, he wanted something from me.

I could hardly deny the connection I felt with Edward or the way I was drawn to him. He made me believe that he felt it too, but it still didn't make sense. Edward had this ability to overwhelm me – body, mind, and soul. I could feel my better judgment slip away wherever he was involved, and that scared the living hell out of me.

It is incredibly difficult to resist someone you're insanely attracted to; it's even harder when you have a connection with them. It's damn near impossible when they are so persistent you don't even have a moment to think of anything other than them.

The worst of it all was that I _cared_. It had started as amazing sex, but now it felt like something between us had shifted. I was afraid that if we went back to our old ways together, I would risk losing control. I couldn't allow that to happen, but I wasn't sure I had the self-control to stay away from him.

_Nothing makes sense._

Saturday morning, I was getting ready to meet my parents for breakfast when my phone rang.

_What the fuck is he doing calling me at seven AM on a Saturday?_

"What the fuck are you doing calling me at this time of day?" If a man was going to do this, I needed to know why.

"Good morning to you, too," he chuckled. His voice was like sex.

_Fuck me. Not literally...maybe. Enough already, you're on the phone, remember?_

"Well?" I asked impatiently. I was in the middle of straightening my hair, and talking on the phone made that a little difficult. I switched the phone to speaker mode and propped it up on the bathroom counter.

"You won't answer my calls in the evening, so I decided to try the morning. Obviously it worked," he said proudly.

I sighed loud enough that he would hear me, but didn't respond.

"How are you, Bella?"

"I'm fine," I said flatly. "Why do you care?"

"I care because I care about you. I know I was a total shit to you, but I'll never do that again."

"Again?" I snapped. "What makes you think you'll even have an opportunity?" I was feeling a little annoyed with his small talk and wished he would get to the point. Was there a point? It was killing me that I couldn't figure out his game or what his intentions were. I wasn't a plaything, and I did not appreciate early morning phone calls. Had it not been for this breakfast date with my parents, I would still be in bed.

"I hope so. If you'll have me, that is. That's what I'm calling for, I guess. I don't want to lose you, Bella."

"_Lose me?_" I couldn't hold back my maniacal laughter. What a ridiculous thing to say! "Lose me? You never _had _me!" My laughter continued.

"You know what I mean," he replied softly.

"Obviously we're seeing things differently then, Edward, because you and I are nothing to each other. We had sex a few times, but come on." My tone and my words were harsher than what I really felt, but part of me knew he deserved it. I wanted him to feel awful, the way he had made me feel. If I could make him mad, maybe he would stop all this. Allowing him to hurt me meant that I wasn't in control. I refused to get caught up in another James situation, even if I felt that Edward was completely different from my ex.

"Now you're the one fooling yourself," he snapped back quickly. It wasn't mean, but definitely firm. He was trying to make a point. His tone softened as he continued. "We may have only been together a few times, but we were both there. You know there's something between us, and I miss you. It may sound stupid to you, but I'm sure that if you were honest with yourself you'd see it too. I want us to stay friends, Bella. I'm not giving up on that."

I was floored. Absolutely speechless. _If you were honest with yourself you'd see it too._ His words rang in my ears and repeated over and over in my mind, leaving me reeling. _Friends. Friends?_ Any attempts I made to convince him – and myself – that there was nothing between us but the sex were futile. He obviously wasn't going to accept less than what he sought.

"I've gotta go. I need to finish getting ready," I said quickly. I wasn't prepared for this kind of conversation, and I needed time to think.

"I'll call you soon. Answer next time…please?"

"Bye, Edward," I said without responding to his request.

How could I possibly not answer the next time he called?

. . . . . . . . . .

As promised, he called again. I answered. We talked. It was awkward at first, mostly on my part. I just couldn't figure him out and it bugged the hell out of me. What did he want from me? He said that he felt our connection. He said he wanted us to be friends. Was that just code for trying to weasel his way back into my pants?

My efforts to avoid thinking about that were futile. I'm not saying I didn't feel something for him because I _did, _but the whole situation left me feeling conflicted and confused much of the time. Sex with Edward had been incredible. The first time we met, it was like fire burning in my blood. The night that we stayed at Mike's house for hours hanging out was unforgettable. The only sour memory was the way he had gotten all weird and spoken to me so...so..._ugh_.

But ohh, the sex…

_His eyes burning with desire as his forehead pressed against mine. Soft wet kisses all over my body. The way he moved inside me – always with the ability to leave me wanting more. His own unique Edward-scent that seemed to set something off inside me. How fascinated I was by each of his tattoos and the stories behind them. The way he would tickle my belly lightly whenever his arm was wrapped around my waist… _

_Stop!_

It was an assault on my mind - the battle between what my body craved and what my head knew was sensible.

I didn't trust him anymore. I don't mean sexually, it was more of a respect issue. He thought I was a careless whore. He thought I could turn into some crazy bitch that would purposely get pregnant or rat him out to his wife to ruin his marriage. That wasn't me. I went into this whole thing just having fun, and now my head was completely fucked up over him.

But if he really thought those things about me, why would he be so persistent? Why was it so important that I hear his apologies and accept them? Why did he want to be my friend?

There was no solid conclusion, no single answer I could find.

I should have walked away, changed my phone number and forgotten about Edward Cullen, but I couldn't.

I wanted to figure out everything there was to know about this man. I wanted to know what it was about me that made him act this way. I wanted to know why he was risking his family for me.

The only way I could possibly get any answers was to talk to him, so I did. He called, we talked.

He kept calling. Two or three times a week, whenever he had a chance away from his wife. Sometimes I could answer, other times I couldn't. I didn't call him. I knew that if I didn't, he would try again within a few days, if not sooner.

Very slowly, we became friends. We discussed work, music, our interests, and almost anything else we could think of…other than his marriage.

I heard a lot about sports cars and the specifications of their engines and body styles by year. I listened to stories about four-wheel drive, off-road vehicles in big mud pits. I learned that Edward was a musician – he played the guitar fairly well, but was better on the keyboard – and that he loved to "jam" in the garage while Finn played the drums.

I didn't ask questions about his wife. I didn't want to know anything about her, but I did ask about Finn. I loved kids, and couldn't resist hearing the stories, especially with the love and wonder that came through in Edward's voice when he did. I thought of it as his "dad voice."

I resisted sharing more than superficial details of my life at first, but he managed to get me to loosen up a little. I told him about my family, but I mostly focused on my job and Rosalie. Those were safe subjects. I liked asking him about new CDs that came out because, somehow, he always had them before me. We both loved rock, modern rock especially. We would share our favorite songs, discuss lyrics, and argue over which were the best cuts on each album. There were lots of people out there who liked bands I did, but I had never known someone who liked almost _all_ the same bands I did. It was a kinship we shared.

This all went on for weeks - the talking, sharing, and becoming friends – before he asked to see me again.

I was still hesitant to trust him, but he really had made an effort to get to know me and respect my boundaries. We had indeed become friends.

* * *

In the time I had spent getting to know Edward, the rest of my life went on as usual. Summer ended, and with it went any hopes for nice enough weather to hang out in Felix's backyard or ride the bikes regularly.

I still saw Jacob several times a week, and nothing really changed about our routine. We were somewhere in between being a couple and being fuck buddies, as always. He took me out on little dates more often, but I never bothered to over think them. They weren't romantic events, just dinner, movies, or hanging out after work. Some days he would call me when we weren't together, other times I wouldn't hear from him for a day or two. My day to day life was so consumed with other people and events that it didn't really bother me.

Garrett started dating Chelsea - I use that term loosely - and he and I still hung out sometimes. He didn't call me everyday during lunch anymore, but we talked often enough. Every once in a while when things fell into place, we would hook up, but I pretty much stayed his Laid Back Chick. It was a nice arrangement. We gave each other a little variety every so often and a good laugh whenever that was needed. It was an unconventional friendship, but I had a special affection for him. He was more laid back than Jacob, and didn't have complicated baggage like Edward. Sometimes I felt like Garrett was the male version of me, and that's why we got along so well.

Rosalie had convinced me to start bartending with her regularly again, so I picked up shifts every Thursday and Friday night. After the first week, she said there was an immediate spike in her sales and tips those nights, and I definitely didn't mind an extra few hundred dollars each week. We had always been able to pull in a lot of money when we worked together, but this was better than ever. Frankly, it was worth the trouble of having a second job and losing two nights a week. We also loved that it was time we were guaranteed to get to spend together.

In between all of that, things were the norm. I occasionally spent time with some girls I worked with or sorority sisters who lived in or around the Seattle area. I flirted with different guys at the bar, but nothing ever happened with them. I talked to Emmett whenever I could. I went to visit my parents on most Sunday afternoons or had breakfast with them on Saturdays.

Life rolled on and I lived it, just as I always had. I kept control of whatever I could, and flexed my hot chick muscles to garner the attention I loved.

That was my life.

. . . . . . . . . .

I was hesitant to see Edward after his request, but I knew this time would come eventually. It's not as though we could go on forever just talking on the phone, could we? Hooking up with him again didn't bother me as much as the threat of losing the upper hand in things. I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to another berating. I didn't _think_ he would do something like that again. I believed he had grown to trust me; I just wasn't convinced that I could trust _him_ yet.

To maintain a healthy balance, I insisted on doing something in public. It would be neutral ground. He was wary of that idea, but I convinced him that if we went into the city, chances were good he wouldn't see anyone he knew. If he did, it would be easy enough to play our meeting off as something work related or as me being an old friend of the family he ran into. We made plans to meet at our usual location, and then drive into Seattle together for dinner and drinks.

It was a Sunday afternoon when we met, four weeks since I had started talking to him again. He pulled up next to my car in his silver Volvo and got out, greeting me with a hug I hadn't expected. We drove into the city, listening to an old Verve Pipe album and making awkward small talk. I didn't rule anything out today, but I wasn't sure what I should expect from him.

"Why does this feel so weird?" I finally asked, breaking the unspoken tension between us.

"I don't know. I guess I just wish I knew what you were thinking," he said slowly. He took his eyes off the road momentarily, and I could see true curiosity in his expression.

I stared at him blankly, not sure what to say.

"Please, Bella. What's going on in there?" he pleaded.

I was hesitant as I searched my mind for an appropriate response. "I'm just trying to figure you out. I still can't understand what we're doing."

"We're going to Seattle," he said in a poor attempt to ease the tension surrounding us.

"You know what I mean, Edward."

We were silent for a few more minutes. I tried to think of something else to say or how to change the subject, but nothing came to me. I opened my mouth and snapped it shut several times, never finding the right words. I avoided his glances, but peaked through my hair to see if he was watching me. It was becoming apparent that neither of us knew what kind of expectations we should have for this day together.

"Can't we just _be_ here for a few hours?" he finally asked. "All I want is to spend this time with you and not think about anything else. Please, Bella."

"Okay," I nodded. I was unsure how else to respond, but it was a reasonable request. The way he said it, I believed him. I believed he wanted to focus on us today and nothing else. Those thoughts made my stomach flip and my heart swell. I was finally able to give him a genuine smile that met my eyes, and his smile was even brighter after seeing mine.

We went to a small fondue restaurant in an obscure shopping district. It was dark inside, with a red hue cast over our tables. We ordered the full meal – cheese, dinner and dessert courses – and talked with the same ease we had on the phone lately. We laughed at each other when we dripped gooey cheese or dropped pieces of food, and we took turns feeding one another chunks of chocolate covered fruit.

As Edward held the last chocolate covered strawberry to my lips, I felt a tiny drip of the white chocolate slide down the corner of my mouth. Dropping the fondue skewer on the table, he lifted his thumb to wipe it away, holding it to my lips. I sucked the sweet liquid off his finger and smiled up at him.

"You know, for two 'friends' this feels an awful lot like a date," I mused.

He immediately stiffened in his chair, uncurling his fingers from beneath my chin and pulling his hand into his lap.

"It's _not_ a date," he snapped suddenly. He wore the same expression as the last time we saw each other, and I was _not_ going to put up with that bullshit again.

"Oh, don't you dare start this shit with me again, Edward," I spat back at him. I was staring daggers, trying to convey that I was not in the mood for this.

He raked his fingers through his hair and stared back at me. "I just don't want you to get the wrong idea, okay?"

"Exactly what idea would that be?" I asked. My voice was laced with venom as I spoke. "You call me non-stop until I agree to be your friend and then take me to dinner and play erotic food games with me. _Please_ enlighten me."

"Bella…"

"Don't Bella me! You run so hot and cold with me that I have absolutely no clue what this is or what you want from me. What _do_ you want from me? Sex? Friendship? A kick in the ass?"

His lips were pursed together tightly at my last comment, and I knew he was trying not to laugh. I realized why my little rant had incited that reaction and joined him in a quiet laugh, allowing my expression to soften.

"I'm not sure how this is supposed to work if you can't trust me or at least take a joke," I sighed in defeat. "You're infuriating."

"You're beautiful," he smiled.

We sat there for a few moments looking at each other without speaking. I tried to read his eyes, to find something – anything – in his expression that would help me understand this frustrating man across the table from me.

I was the one to break the silence.

"What is all this?" I asked, waving my hand back and forth between us. I just wanted to understand.

"This," he gestured back at me, "is...I don't know. You're beautiful, funny, and caring…unlike anyone I've ever met. You've got an amazing body that you flaunt, yet when your clothes are off it's like you're waiting for approval. You don't see yourself clearly, Bella. You don't see how addictive your personality is or the way you can draw the attention of everyone in the room. I know you know you're hot and that you can get people to look at you and want you, but I don't think you understand how you _hold onto_ that attention. It's not just your tits and curves. It's something in your smile and your eyes, and you are irresistible."

I sat there in shock as he paused to push his hair back with both hands and groan quietly.

"I think about you constantly. I can't get you out of my head. When I'm away from you or not talking to you, you're always there. I want to hear about your day and talk about music because you always seem to pick out the lyrics that stab my heart. I want to see that smile you get when you blush, the one when you let your guard down. I want to see that intensity in your eyes when I make you feel so good that you scream my name. Dammit, Bella, I just want any part of you I can get."

_What. The. Fuck. Was. That?_

_He didn't just say all of that, did he? _ _No one has ever said those kinds of things to me. Sure, I'm beautiful, I'm hot, I'm funny, blah, blah, blah._

_But that? All that?_ _He can't be serious, can he?_ _That was quite the monologue just to get in my pants._

_Why? Why on earth would this perfect specimen of a man – a _married_ man – say, think, feel all those things about me?_ _It doesn't make any sense._

"Bella? Are you in there?"

"Huh? Yeah," I said with barely a whisper. I was trying to will myself to meet his eyes again, but the thought of what might be in them right now frightened me.

If he was just saying that, I didn't think I could take the realization that it was nothing more than a game to fuck me. Yet if he _did_ mean all of that, wow, just wow. What are the implications of that kind of confession?

Lost in my daze, I realized that I was being pulled up by my elbow. This shocked me out of my thoughts enough to look up and see Edward smirking down at me. It was that gorgeous half smile that I loved. The smile I imagined was all for me. His Bella Smile. I stood with him and let him take my hand to lead me out of the restaurant. We walked through the alley that led to the small parking lot out back, and I was suddenly jolted against a brick wall.

"Ooph!" I gasped at the impact of my back hitting the cold, hard surface. Before I had the opportunity to think or process what had just happened and why, Edward's mouth was smashed against mine. It was hard, lustful, and passionate. His hands held my face with a firm grip that almost hurt, and then trailed down to my shoulders, securing me against him. I gave in to this sudden rush of heat and passion and opened myself up to him. His tongue was hot and determined against mine. He tasted like Edward and chocolate, fruit and want. My hands slid up his back, dragging my nails along the way and securing them in his disheveled hair. I wrapped my fingers around the thick strands and fisted it, pulling and pushing to keep his face connected to mine.

"I need to feel you, Bella," he growled into my neck when I finally allowed him access. His hips thrust forward forcefully, ensuring that I felt his arousal. He bent his knees slightly to even himself with me and bucked forward again, grinding directly between my legs and making me whimper at the contact. I was instantly wet and on fire for him.

"Not here," I panted, pulling his head back by his hair and making him look up at me from the feast of my neck he had been enjoying.

I released his hair and brought my hands around to the front of his shoulders. With as much strength as I could muster, I shoved him away from me and quickly ducked out of his grasp and away from the wall. When I spun around to him, I could see that my break in our connection had caught him completely off guard. He was still hovering over the wall, one arm reflexively extended against the brick to brace himself.

As I retreated, I was pulled back by needy hands at my hips. The impact caused him to thrust into the small of my back, and I reached behind me for his neck as he planted kisses from my shoulder to my ear. I felt like I was dragging him behind me, trying to get to his car with him clinging to my back, weakening my knees with each kiss and touch he gave me.

When we reached the silver vehicle, the lone car in the tiny lot, I tried to break away from him and get into the passenger side door.

"No!" he said, yanking my arm. "I can't wait. I need you right now."

I watched him slide into the backseat, never releasing my wrists. I scrambled in as quickly as I could manage and pulled the door closed behind me. Silently, I thanked his pretentious ass for blacked-out tinted windows. I straddled him as he sat in the middle of the long seat, instantly returning to our feverish kissing. He tugged at my sweater, pulling it over my head hastily, and I quickly undid the buttons of his as I sucked on his soft lower lip.

"Fuck Bella...so amazing," he panted. He was palming one of my breasts while his other hand reached around and unclasped the lacy red bra I had worn for him.

We fought with our pants in the awkward confines of his car, not able to get them off fast enough for our feverish desire. He didn't even bother to remove the tiny thong I was wearing, opting to shove it aside instead as his fingers plunged into me. I moaned his name, begging for more, and reached for him at the same time, stroking and panting, getting ready.

"Enough!" he yelled suddenly. He shoved me back in his lap and dug into the pocket of his discarded jeans for a condom. He slowed down momentarily to open the package with care and unroll it onto himself. I understood his action, understood why he wanted to take care not to puncture or rip the barrier that would stand between us. I understood, and I let him do so without complaint because it was what he needed to feel secure with me.

Without hesitation, his hungry pace resumed and he pulled me back to him by my waist, lifting me slightly and guiding himself into me. One strong thrust and he was engulfed within me, but after a few ravenous jolts he slowed again. He lifted my gaze from our united centers so that I met his eyes. Hooded lids greeted me and stayed there. Green against brown, a silent conversation as he lifted me up and slid me back down on him with torturous intention. The creeping pace allowed me to really feel his width and savor his length, and I could tell by the way his jaw stretched forward that he was delighting in all of me as well.

When it became unbearable, I took control, moving over him, touching, tasting and watching until we both neared our peak. As I came, my body arched forward, forcing my forehead to rest against his before collapsing into him to recover. Panting and smiling like a drunken fool, I returned to his eyes and dove into them. There were no words I could say in that moment, but I thought I saw a hint of..._what is that?..._reverence in there.

We stayed locked in our intimate embrace; me in his lap, him mindlessly brushing the back of his fingers against my breasts, ribs, and arms. We talked. Not about the sex or anything else of merit, we just talked like we always did. I pushed back that one piece of hair that always seems to fall in his eyes, and he stroked the length of my now messy locks.

When we noticed that the darkness had fully set in, we gathered our clothes and wiggled around to redress ourselves.

"Ouch!" he teased when I accidentally elbowed him in the stomach while trying to pull on my jeans.

"Sorry!" I offered, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"You're forgiven. It was a lot easier to take these off than it is to get dressed in a car, huh?"

We finished and stepped out of the back, straightening our clothes before taking our seats up front.

Our ride home was much more pleasant than the drive to the city earlier. We spoke freely and smiled more, and the trip passed much quicker this time. Back at my car, he pulled me to him over the center console and gave me a long, delicate kiss. It was full of sweetness and affection, and his fingertips on my cheekbones left me with chills.

"Thank you for coming with me tonight. I've missed you," he whispered in my ear.

I wanted to sit there in my car and collect my thoughts for a few minutes before heading home, but I noticed that he was waiting for me to depart first. I smiled at his unexpected display of concern and pulled onto the road, stopping at the first parking lot I could find. With my head tipped back against the head rest I released the giggles I had been holding in too long. When I finally collected myself, I cranked up stereo and held my own personal rock concert all the way home.

* * *

_Such a beautiful land_  
_Such a beautiful sin I say (A sinner say)  
Just when you pull me in I push away (I push away)  
That little devil on my shoulder says  
"I'll make you do those things you did"  
That little devil on my shoulder screams  
"I think you found your way"_

_There's no way out for you  
But you can follow me, just follow me down  
There's no way out for you  
So just follow me, just follow me down_

_**Theory of a Deadman**_


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been beta'd by isoldephi and Vi0lentSerenity (thank you!) and reposted October 09.**

**Song: You're So Damn Hot by OK Go**

**I screwed up the names early in the story, so since Edward is a Cullen, Emmett & Carlisle are McCartys in this story.**

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* * *

  
**

The next few months after going to Seattle with Edward fell into an easy pattern. I went to work during the days, hit the gym afterward, and enjoyed my social life in the evenings. Almost every Wednesday and Saturday was spent with Jacob in some capacity. Sometimes we were alone, but we usually hung out with our friends before going home together. Thursdays and Fridays were spent working with Rosalie, and I started putting away a portion of the money I made to help me get out of my ghetto fabulous apartment when my lease ended. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights varied. Sometimes they would be spent with Rose, other times Jacob or Edward, and occasionally Garrett.

There was actually very little drama, and I was grateful for that. I was comfortable with my lifestyle for the time being.

Edward and I continued to talk on the phone several times a week, and I saw him almost every week. We didn't venture out often, opting to hang out at my apartment or Mike's house, since that was simply easy and safe. It wasn't necessarily my favorite place to go, but as long as Mike kept his eyes and hands to himself, I appreciated him opening his home to us. I never questioned Edward's excuses to get out of the house as that was his business, and when he said it was time to go I didn't bother to complain. It was disappointing that we couldn't spend the night together like I did with my other guys, but that was all a part of the arrangement. I wanted to know what it would feel like to fall asleep in his arms and wake up beside him, but there were just certain things that I learned to accept when it came to Edward. Not being able to share that kind of intimacy was one of them.

I really did like spending time with him – both clothed and not – so I just enjoyed it while I could. I stayed quiet when his wife called his phone, I listened to stories about his son, and I took his sentiments toward me with a grain of salt. Sure, I had feelings for him, but I knew I had feelings for Jacob and Garrett, too. The relationship and dynamic I shared with each of them was unique, but there was just _something_ about Edward. I found the easiest thing to do was build a wall around myself so that I didn't get attached and tread lightly where we were concerned. That way, I wasn't left feeling disappointed or upset when he didn't call or couldn't get out of the house.

Hell, I even helped him pick out Christmas gifts for his wife. We brought out the Victoria's Secret catalog one night and chose clothes, lingerie and my favorite lotion scents that he would get for her. Twisted? Absolutely, but it was also sort of fun. In some small way, it felt like our Christmas gift to one another since we didn't exchange anything otherwise. That didn't feel appropriate, nor did he want to explain a mystery gift when he got home. Instead, I had the satisfaction of knowing that whenever he saw his wife in the things I picked out or smelled the _Amber Romance_ on her skin, it would remind him of me. Truthfully, I hoped he would picture me in the lacy bras whenever she wore them.

Christmas was not remiss, however. Emmett had somehow managed to convince Carlisle and Tanya to come up for the holiday, though I'm sure it took quite a fight. Emmett's mom usually went down to California to see him every year, and it had been ages since Uncle Carlisle had left the Golden State. Charlie was thrilled to have them all in town and so was I.

I went with Emmett to see his mom on Christmas Eve, and it was a pretty quiet evening. She was absolutely thrilled to have her son "home" for the holidays, and it was really nice for me to see her again. She had only been my aunt through marriage, but she was always so sweet and kind. As a child, she was like a second mother to me, but I had only seen her a few times since the divorce. I felt a pang of guilt for not keeping in touch over the years. I think she read it in my eyes because she pulled me aside before we left to assure me that she never harbored any animosity toward my family and said that it was lovely to see me again.

In true mother form, she flourished Emmett and me with a huge meal, a Christmas cookie spread that could feed the Seahawks, and Italian espresso after dinner. She gave him a small stack of beautifully wrapped gifts that included clothes, books, and a scrapbook of photos and mementos from his childhood. The tears he blinked back as he looked through it were so sweet. She also had a gift for me – a Dooney & Burke purse I never could have purchased for myself. I loved it and thanked her with a sly smile that I believe we both understood to be an acknowledgment of Carlisle's hefty alimony.

Emmett, however, truly outdid his mother when it came to money spent on gifts. There were cashmere sweaters, a tanzanite ring and matching necklace, a top of the line GPS navigation system for her car, a set of Louis Vuitton luggage, and one thousand count satin sheets for her bed. I was in utter shock. I knew Emmett was doing well with his club, but I never imagined he was doing _that_ well. I reluctantly questioned him about it on the way back to my parents' house.

"Just say what you're thinking, Bella," he said with a poke to my ribs.

"Umm, exactly how much money do you make because all that was just, wow. I mean, all that probably cost more than I make in a year!" My voice held both excitement and embarrassment.

Of course Emmett laughed. He laughs at everything. I watched his boyish dimples appear as he turned to me and shook his head.

"Let's just say I make enough to live comfortably in Los Angeles, but not as much as you're probably thinking right now," he continued between chuckles. "It's like this, Belly Button – when my dad took me away from my mom, I always felt like I was abandoning her, even though it wasn't my fault."

"It wasn't," I reassured him. He continued without acknowledging my comment.

"When I finally had some money of my own, I knew I wanted to do something for her. Something more than just the cushion dad provides. So I took a portion of my trust fund and set it up in a stock portfolio specifically for her. I add a little bit to it with my personal income from Rendezvous, and it gives me more than enough every year to spoil her. She won't take money from me, but she's too polite to turn down gifts."

I was too stunned to speak right away. Eventually, I did.

"Wow...Emmett, that's...you are such an amazing son."

He shrugged and half smiled. "It's nothing, really. I wish I could be spending more time with her, but she likes it up here for some reason. It's really the least I can do to make up for it."

I nodded in agreement and we rode home in silence.

Christmas morning was much busier at home with my parents and the three McCartys. The Swan household had never seen so many gifts exchanged, so it was quite an event that took up much of the morning. After coffee and bagels, the men all settled down to watch football while my mom and I worked on dinner. Tanya was surprisingly good in the kitchen, and I mentally scolded myself for assuming she couldn't be domestic. She told us she enjoyed cooking on occasion, and that she hadn't done any since she moved into Carlisle's mansion. I wouldn't quite say I liked her, but she was pleasant enough under the circumstances. I'm not sure my opinion would hold if I had to spend an extended amount of time with her, but this was a special occasion and I was able to push any snide thoughts out of my mind.

We enjoyed an afternoon meal and relaxed together afterward. It was really nice having a larger group together for Christmas, and I could tell by his incessant smile and boisterous attitude that Emmett was pleased as well.

I had plans to meet Jacob and Rosalie at Felix's house that night, so when the time came, I convinced Emmett to get out of the house for a while and come with me. On the way over, I gave him the rundown on Felix and Rose's relationship and also got him up to speed with the Jacob situation.

"I have to hand it to you, Bells, that is one of the most convenient fuck buddy relationships I've ever heard of," he said in a reverent tone.

"It seriously doesn't bother you to hear about my sex life?" I questioned.

He huffed a quick laugh at me and smiled. "When has it ever bothered me to talk about anyone's sex life – especially yours?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure with it being such a complicated situation."

"Doesn't sound complicated to me. You get together when you want, everything else is don't ask, don't tell. Guys dream of girls like you, hun."

"Okay, maybe complicated was the wrong word for it. I guess it just feels that way because I'm the one in the middle of it, but you're right, it's not really complicated. It is what it is. I hope you like him. And everyone else," I said with a genuine smile.

I wasn't sure how this would all go over. Emmett is a really easy going guy, as are all my guy friends, but we lived in two different worlds. There is a big difference from the suburbs of Washington and the VIP club scene of Los Angeles. I also didn't want any of the guys to feel threatened by another man being around, even if he is my cousin. Conversely, I knew that Emmett would want to make sure these guys were taking care of me and treating me right since I spend so much of my time with them. They didn't technically owe me any protection or anything like that, but in a way they did. I'm an independent woman, but it's natural for men to be defensive about women around them. It's a caveman thing. I knew these guys would step up to the plate for me if I needed it, but Emmett didn't. Tonight was his chance to see that.

For some reason, I also felt apprehensive for Emmett to meet Jacob. Even though we were not a couple, Jake was the closest thing I had to a relationship. Emmett has always been overprotective when it comes to me and my boyfriends, but since James, he's been wary. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I did want to know that he approved of Jake. The anticipation for that meeting promised an interesting evening.

The other thing I was looking forward to was Garrett. I knew all the other guys would make their way over to the house eventually, and Garrett was sure to be there. I explained to Emmett that I sometimes fooled around with one of the other guys, but it was a secret to everyone other than Rosalie. He insisted that I give him the opportunity to watch the interaction between me and the guys, and he would make his guess about which one I was involved with other than Jake. I'll admit that I was looking forward to that game. I also wanted to know if it would be me or Garrett to give it away with body language and flirtations.

When we arrived, Rosalie's car was the only one in the drive. We walked up to the door and went in without knocking, as I always did.

"Rose? Felix? We're here!" I sang through the empty kitchen.

I heard paper rustling, then footsteps quickly approaching from the living room. Rosalie appeared in the doorway wearing a tight red cable knit sweater that dipped low into her cleavage and paired it with form fitting jeans. As always, she looked amazing. She bounded over to me in a few springy steps and threw her arms around my neck, hugging and kissing me before pulling away to look up at Emmett.

"I'm Rosalie," she smiled, extending her hand to him. "You must be Emmett. I've heard so much about you from Bella."

He lifted her hand and instead of shaking it, he brought it to his mouth to kiss it.

_Huh?_ Very un-Emmetty.

We exchanged a few more introductions and pleasantries before heading into the living room and settling on the couches in front of a beautifully decorated tree. I knew it was Rose's handiwork in this very manly house. Felix brought in a few bottles of beer for us and we sat together chatting about our respective days with our families.

A little while later, I heard the door in the kitchen creak and I jumped up to go meet Jacob as he came inside. As soon as he saw me, his face lit up and he wore the biggest smile. Without removing his coat or setting down the bag of gifts he carried in, he wrapped his arms around me, placing a sweet kiss on my lips.

"Merry Christmas, beautiful."

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Jake. Did you have a nice day?" I asked.

"Sure. It's even better now," he said.

I couldn't help but smile at him and blush a little. I was looking forward to giving him his gift and really hoping he would like it.

"Come on," I said, stopping at the fridge to get him a beer before pulling him into the living room. "I want you to meet my cousin!"

As it turned out, Emmett got along with Jacob as well as he had been with Felix. It put me at peace, and every time I glanced at him nervously, he would wink and carry on with his conversation. Sometimes, I'm really glad I never had a big brother. If I had, I don't think my relationship with my cousin would have been what it is today.

"Okay you crazy kids," Emmett eventually announced with a loud clap of his hands. I jumped a little bit in surprise, but suppressed it with a giggle. "Let's see you open some presents. I had to carry them in here, I may as well get to see them!"

We all agreed and started unpacking and arranging the items we each brought in front of us.

"I'll go first," Felix volunteered. He handed me and Jake each a package and waited for us to open them. Mine was a warm fleece Mariners stadium blanket. I wrapped it around myself and thanked him for his generosity. My dad, a huge Mariners fan, would be jealous of this gift.

We continued the exchange for a while, and Rosalie and I had the most humorous moment of the evening. One of the gifts she gave me was heavy and bulky in a gift bag. When I pulled the items out to find a bottle of Three Olives cherry vodka and a six pack of Redbull, I burst into tearful hysterics. I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy, but Rosalie's reaction was the same as mine when I handed her another bag – a gift from me to her – that contained the exact same items.

"Great minds think alike!" she exclaimed between gasps for air and obnoxious laughter.

"It's a sign, Rose! Time for shots!" I announced proudly, grabbing the bags and heading for the kitchen.

Several minutes later, we emerged with a tray full of plastic cups.

"Cherry bombs, boys?" Rosalie said sweetly.

I giggled and set the tray on the coffee table. We all took our shots, laughing and talking together until the third round was gone and the tray was empty. The humor in the fact that Rose and I gave each other our favorite vodka and the additional mixer for our signature shot was more than enough to keep us giddy for the rest of the night. Consuming the actual liquor was just a bonus. We were in total BFF mode now.

Once settled, we resumed our previous positions and focused on the last presents for the evening, which just so happened to be Jacob and I exchanging our gifts.

He insisted I go first, so I pulled out the rectangular box wrapped in shiny silver paper. I glanced at Felix, who winked at me, then back to Jacob. He laughed at my big red bow as he unraveled it, leaning over to whisper in my ear.

"I'd be happy if it was just you beneath the bow," he said so that only I could hear.

I could feel my cheeks burn and hear the murmurs from our friends, but I kept my eyes on him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Open," I said.

He removed the paper to reveal a black box, which made my leg bounce up and down in anticipation. If Felix was right, this gift would go over very well.

At the top of the box was a pair of fingerless black leather gloves. They were the best, apparently, flexible and soft, but treated specially so that they were extremely durable. Jacob smiled and kissed the top of my head as he tried them on, and I gestured back into the box. Beneath where the gloves had been was a photo of a pair of black boots with a gift certificate under it.

"What's this?" he asked.

I smiled wide with excitement. "I couldn't very well pick out the right pair of riding boots for you, so you'll have to go do that yourself."

"Bella! Wow!" he exclaimed, pulling me into a tight hug and rocking me around. "This is great. I can't believe you...wow...I love it all...you are...wow, great!"

I received a tender kiss while everyone else laughed at our scene, and when we sat back up there was a box in my lap. It was small and rectangular, and unmistakably a necklace box wrapped in green paper with a white bow. My heart jumped into my throat when I saw it, making me gasp softly.

"Well come on already," Emmett said, bringing me out of my daze.

_Okay, it's probably just something simple. Nothing to freak out about. Hell, it might not even be what you think it is. Stop being an idiot, Bella, and just open it._

I glanced around the room to see Emmett and Felix looking impatient, Rosalie smirking, and Jacob beaming. I turned the box over and carefully ran my finger beneath where the paper met, breaking the seal the invisible bit of tape had made there. I pulled the paper off and was met with an unmistakable blue-green box.

Tiffany&Co.

_OMFG!_

With a hand I was trying desperately to keep from shaking, I pulled the lid off the box to find a simple silver chain. It was light and delicate, and as I took it from the soft cushion inside, I saw an elegant butterfly pendent dangling from the chain.

My eyes moved to Jacob, who was obviously proud, and I let my thoughts be heard aloud.

"Jake, this is beautiful. You really shouldn't have. I mean, it's just gorgeous. I love it."

I held the necklace out to him and then turned my back to him on the couch. I gathered my hair in a makeshift ponytail in my hands and pulled it off to one side so he could clasp the necklace around my neck. When he was done, he placed his hands on my shoulders and kissed me lightly on the neck. I turned and threw my arms around him, further communicating my thanks in a deep, passionate kiss.

Emmett interrupted us a few moments later with a cough, and that was followed by soft laughter from the rest of us in the room. Always knowing how to diffuse tension or awkwardness in a room, Rosalie spoke up.

"Bella, babe, let's go make some more shots!"

We were in the kitchen pouring vodka into a long line of cups when the door swung open with a bang. With huge smiles on their faces, Garrett, Ben, Jared and Pete strolled into the house. Their arms were full of cases of beer, liquor bottles in brown paper bags, and a twelve pack of Coke.

"Merry Christmas!" Jared yelled loud enough for the guys in the living room to hear, and greetings erupted from everyone.

Rose and I left our station for a few minutes until the guys were all eventually settled in the living room with drinks in hand. Alone in the kitchen, we downed a couple cherry bombs together before refilling the cups and carrying the freshly loaded tray out to our friends.

I was happy to see Emmett getting along with everyone so well, and my fears about any possible personality clash dissolved. Rosalie and I stayed in our own little bubble gossiping and retrieving fresh drinks whenever someone needed one. Jacob smiled at me more than usual, and I couldn't help but smile back every time. Eventually, it was decided that a foosball tournament was necessary, so everyone grabbed their refills and headed to the basement.

Emmett and I were the last ones to go down, and he stopped me at the top of the stairs.

"Garrett," he whispered in my ear with a hint of his classic Emmett chuckle.

"What?" I said spinning around the face him.

"He's the one," he laughed. "Am I wrong?"

I didn't say anything, but I smirked at him.

"I didn't think so," he responded. I knew he was giving himself a mental pat on the back.

I let my smile spread. "How did you-"

"Know?" he interrupted. "Easy. All these guys stare at you and Rosalie like they want to throw you over their shoulder, and I don't blame them for that. But that Garrett guy looks at you a little different. Kind of the same way Jacob does."

My hand went to my throat instinctively. "Is it that obvious?" My voice was panicked and I felt my stomach drop.

"Chill, Bells," he said while patting my back. "You forget that I people watch on a nightly basis. I have a fine tuned ability for spotting sexual chemistry. A few psych classes in college didn't hurt either." A big grin was plastered on his face, dimples and all.

"Okay," I agreed. I took a deep breath and felt reassured by his assessment. I seriously didn't know what I would say if Jake knew about Garrett and me. It had the potential to be very...awkward.

It made me wonder what Emmett would see if he saw me with Edward, but that wasn't a possibility. I could hardly make sense of that situation myself, and I didn't know how to properly explain it to my cousin.

"Come on," Emmett said. "And grab a few more of the cherry bombs for you and Rosalie before we go down. I'll drive home tonight. You have fun."

And have fun we did.

The basement was noisy with shouts from the guys' games, music thundering on the stereo, Rosalie and I gossiping together, and all the side conversations amongst us. It was a great way to spend our Christmas night.

I kept thinking about what Emmett had said; that Jacob and Garrett looked at me in a certain way, Jacob especially. Even in all my fondness for him, for our arrangement, for our friendship, I never really recognized that he viewed me in any special way. The necklace was such a shock. No one other than my parents had ever given me jewelry before, and definitely never Tiffany. Any piece of nice jewelry would have been sweet and flattering, but the fact that he wanted to give me something with _that_ name, it just felt, well…big.

It gave me a lot to think about.

Things were so simple with Jake in the beginning. It was sex and fun - a distraction from my previous relationship. The fact that we developed a pretty good friendship and understanding along the way was a bonus. Now it had been many months and it was still happening. We weren't a couple, but we were something. It wasn't just sex anymore. Not when we actually went on dates and bought each other expensive Christmas gifts.

But in its own way, it was all still casual. I liked Jacob, but had no intention of trying to make him my boyfriend. Things with him were just too convenient and easy. If I wanted boyfriend-like attention, I could get it from him, but at the same time, I wasn't obligated to spend every day with him. He seemed to go along with all of that pretty well, but there were definitely times I saw something in his eyes that was more than lust.

It was all so confusing. If I tried talking to him about it, I might risk ruining a good thing. A part of me wanted to know what he _really_ thought about us beyond the innuendo of nice gifts, dates and great sexual chemistry, yet a more guarded part of me just wanted to keep going like we were. I wasn't sure if I was ready to give up the freedom to spend time with other guys, and I wasn't ready to risk making things awkward and potentially ending my arrangement with Jacob.

I would keep going the way we were and enjoy myself.

Snapping myself back to reality, I pulled Rosalie up and we danced our way to the stairs. We headed for the kitchen and poured more shots just for the two of us.

"I want to dance!" she announced after our second round, leaning heavily against my shoulder.

"Oooh yah!" I agreed. I was definitely drunk and happy, and I was sure she was, too. We were both prime for some dancing, even if it was just us girls. This happened quite often.

She smiled mischievously at me. "What would you say to _The Ultimate Christina Dance Mix_?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, jumping up and flinging my arms around her neck. We ran into the living room where she dug through a CD book and pulled out a shiny red disc, holding it victoriously above her head.

I plucked it from her hand, put it in the stereo system, and turned the volume up so that the bass made the floor tremble beneath our feet. I swayed slightly, shaking the dizziness out of my head and preparing to let loose.

_Lady Marmalade_ played first, getting us shimmying and booty dropping around the room for the extent of the song. We took turns rapping and singing the different parts back and forth to each other, laughing and giggling all along. These were the moments I loved and cherished with Rosalie. We could be silly, stupid and completely carefree together because it was just how we were. It was pure fun.

The next song came on and I threw my arms above my head. "My song!" I screamed, and then I started to sing.

"_So what am I not supposed to have an opinion  
Should I be quiet just because I'm a woman  
Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind  
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled.."_

We swayed and yelled the words more than sang the lyrics of _Can't Hold Us Down_, holding hands and shaking all we had. This song had become my anthem of sorts after I broke up with James and began living my life again.

Rose joined me as the song went on, getting louder and louder as we approached the chorus, until we were both screaming.

When the Lil' Kim rap came, Rosalie stepped back and allowed me to jump onto the couch. This was "my" part of the song whenever we heard it, and I spit the words out in a very uninhibited drunk white girl way. Actually, I was kind of yelling them as Rose laughed hysterically and shook her ass at me. I was pleased that she enjoyed my antics and even more grateful that I didn't stumble off the couch.

By the time I finished my rendition, we had both collapsed on the floor giggling and rolling around. I loved that we could let go this way when we were together. Times like this made me forget about all the stress and drama of work and guys. This was just us being us.

The song ended, leading into _Dirrty_, and we were back on our feet, excited to dance again. Being the taller of the two of us, Rosalie got behind me as we sang and bumped around. I bent in front of her, giving my best Carmen Electra booty shake on the way back up. She put her hands on my hips and ran them up my sides and into my hair, fluffing the long strands out and pushing me back down for another booty drop as she did body rolls behind me.

It was all too much. I was laughing, singing, and having the greatest time I had in so long. Near the end of the song, I flung myself around to face her for a hug and more exuberant laughter together. I knew she was having as much goofy fun as me.

That's precisely when we noticed our audience.

_All_ of the guys were standing in the doorway smiling at us. When they saw that we finally realized they were there, they erupted into loud applause and whistles, which, in turn, made Rosalie and I fall onto the couch in our embrace and laugh even harder.

When we looked back up at them, Jacob was smirking at me, and Emmett elbowed Felix.

"Lovely performance, ladies," Garrett said with a chuckle. His muscled chest shook with his subdued laughter. "We heard some screaming and pounding up here and came to see what was wrong. Obviously, nothing is _wrong_ at all."

The guys laughed again and muttered suggestive words of agreement.

I blushed momentarily, and then pulled Rosalie up by the hand so we could bow together. She looked at me and giggled.

Without letting my hand go, she pulled me through the crowd of our boys and into the kitchen. "Time for more shots!"

Emmett drove us home a little while later - after my brief make out session with Jacob - and offered me some generic words of affirmation about my friends.

He left the following evening, as he was needed back at the club. He tried to convince me to come down to Los Angeles for New Years, but I told him I couldn't possibly afford the trip right now. Despite his assurance that it would be no problem for him to cover my travel expenses, I refused. Even though I knew he had the money, I didn't feel right taking it from him.

His departure was bittersweet, and I couldn't help but feel that same sense of disappointment I always did when I had to say good-bye to my favorite cousin. I relished his last bear hug before sending him off through airport security and promised to try and work out a plan to visit him again soon.

* * *

_So who's this other guy you've got?  
Which other rubes are riding hot-shot, sugar?  
I could have swore you said before, "No more, for sure." What'd I believe you for?  
You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.  
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...  
You're so damn hot._

_**OK Go**_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been edited and reposted October 09.**

**Song: Wonderwall by Oasis**

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If there was one thing I loved, it was kissing Edward Cullen. I could kiss him for hours.

Seriously.

Sex was like a bonus. The kissing. There were no words. Okay, I should give him more credit than that. The sex was incredible.

It wasn't that every time was a mind blowing experience or even the greatest orgasms I'd ever had. All that stuff was, well, incredible, for lack of a better term, but it was the way I felt connected to him when we were together that really did it for me.

I'll admit it – even if I never came, I would have been happy just to be with him and see his face when he did. But that was a non-issue. I always came. Always.

Always.

Oh, but the kissing.

I just couldn't get enough.

He tasted so good. He felt so good. He did this twirly, flick, rub, moan thing with his tongue that made me melt every time. He knew. I'm sure he knew.

He would always have to pull away from me first because I could go on forever. Whenever he did and I finally opened my eyes, he would be gazing back at me with the sweetest look in those big greens and smile my favorite crooked smile.

_Clean up on Aisle Five, something just melted all over the floor. Oh, it's me._

"What?" he asked with a soft laugh.

"You know what," I whispered, leaning in for another kiss.

He turned his face away and pointed his chin up, causing my lips to land on his neck.

"Let's go downstairs and play pool. Come on." He was trying to drag me off the couch, but I had no interest.

I tried to pull him back down. He landed roughly on top of me and his knee pushed into my gut. I winced, but took advantage of his distraction to wrap myself around him.

It was the second week of January and I hadn't seen Edward since before Christmas. He called me earlier that night and asked if I wanted to go over to Mike's with him. I quickly canceled my plans with an ever understanding Rosalie and met him at the mall.

For some reason I could not fathom, the stripper chick was still hanging around with Mike and was at his house tonight. A few other people had been there, but by the time we arrived, it was just Mike and the pole dancer. I soon learned that her name was Victoria, as if I cared, and that she danced at a club I had heard Garrett and Ben mention before. She was all legs and pale skin with a hint of freckles. I'll admit that she was attractive, but this girl was beat. Sunken eyes with big black circles underneath made her look like she could use a good three day slumber. Her long red hair was quite pretty, though, and I could imagine the attention it kept on her at work. _Shudder._ The first moment I had Edward alone after meeting her, he confirmed my suspicions.

"Cokehead?" I asked.

"Yep. Mike buys her an eight ball every time she comes over," he informed me.

"That's fucked up." I thought I was going to be sick.

"Tell me about it," he agreed.

I had been trying to stay away from Victoria...and Mike, for that matter, all night. I can handle drunks, I can tolerate people who toke from time to time, but people with real drug habits, no. I couldn't stand it. If you need to live your life in a constant state of drug induced bliss, there's just something wrong with you to begin with. If I didn't know it before, all that time with James only confirmed those feelings.

Mike and Victoria were in the game room. They had been down there for a while now, and keeping Edward on the couch making out was serving a dual purpose at the moment.

Mike continued to creep me out with his leering stares. It had taken me some time to finally confirm what it was about him that bothered me so much, but I figured it out about a month ago. Every time we came over, Mike was sizing me up as if he was waiting for me to give him his turn or something. The thought alone made me want to sew up my own hoo-hoo and never have sex again, but I figured avoidance was a better tactic.

Eventually, Edward won the argument, and I was dragged unwillingly down the stairs. We played a couple games of air hockey, and then he played a game of pool against Victoria. Edward won that game, and I took over against him.

It was blatantly obvious that Victoria was trying to flirt with Edward, and it got even worse when Mike went upstairs to do one of his weird Mike disappearing acts.

At first it was subtle. A little suggestive comment here and there, a lingering look at him. Then she would find an excuse to stand a little too close or bump into him. By the time I beat Edward and was up against her in a game of eight ball, I was seething.

"Give me a good luck kiss, baby," I said to him as I kept my eyes on her. She glared back at me.

He met me with a quick peck that I turned into a forced open mouth kiss as I pressed his lips open with my own.

I could tell she knew what that meant. I was marking my territory.

Apparently, that was not going to stop her. Every shot she could take that required bending over in front of Edward she did, even if better shots were available on the table. Each time she did that, I countered her with an exaggerated show of affection toward Edward and another ball in a pocket.

I could not get to the eight ball fast enough, and once I did, I nearly jumped on the table to do a happy dance. Instead, I used my words.

"Looks like another win for me," I said looking right at her. I then turned my attention to Edward and pulled him off his barstool by the hands. "How about you help me celebrate by fucking me on this pool table _again._" I made sure to enunciate my last word.

Edward gave me an extremely confused look and turned with me to watch Victoria throw her cue on the floor and stomp up the stairs.

He turned on me. "What the hell was all that about?"

"You. Are. Mine." I said through gritted teeth.

He immediately dropped my hands and took two steps back. His hands went to his hair and he looked down, shaking his head.

"Bella, stop. I'm not yours. You can't think like that," he said. I could hear frustration and exhaustion in his voice like he was talking to a child.

Now it was my turn to fire back. "What? In this context, _yes you are_. When we are here and it just you and me, Edward, you _are_ mine. That dumb skank has been eying you up like a steak all night long and I've tolerated it until now."

"Bella…"

"No! Do you want to fuck her? If you do, by all means, go ahead. Just take me back to my car first so I don't have to witness it!"

He was back in my face instantly, hands locked around my wrists.

"Okay, I get it. I don't want to fuck her. You just freaked me out a little bit there." I could tell he was trying to calm me down.

"Do you really?" I asked. "Do you _really_ get it? Because I don't think you do."

"Then tell me," he said. His eyes were softer now, and I could see him searching my face for an answer.

I swallowed down the bile in my throat and took a few cleansing breaths. I couldn't bring my eyes back to his for a moment, but after a gentle squeeze of my hands I gave in and spoke.

"Do you see the way Mike looks at me when you bring me over here? It's like he's just waiting on his turn, Edward. All I am to him is some whore you bring around. As far as he's concerned, I'm no better than that prostitute of his."

"Oh Bella," he whispered, drawing my face up in his hands. "Look at me. Come on, look at me. You are not a whore to me. You know that. I could never think of you that way."

I closed my eyes and leaned into him, receiving a kiss on my forehead. "Then stop freaking out on me all the time. I know where we stand. I just want to enjoy myself when we're together, not worry about what random comment might set you off."

"I'm so sorry that you feel that way around Mike," he said. "I never realized. You should have told me."

"Umm, awkward," I replied without humor.

"Okay, I get that. I'm so sorry."

He pulled me closer for a tight, long hug, and I wrapped my arms around his waist to reciprocate. I kept my eyes closed and allowed his steady breaths to calm me. After a few minutes of him rubbing circles on my back and kissing my hair, I pulled away to look up at him.

"Can we please go? I don't want to leave you, but I don't want to be here anymore. I don't think I can take it tonight."

"Yeah, of course," he agreed. "Just let me make a phone call first."

I gathered my things and followed him up to the kitchen. To my surprise, he went to Mike's phone instead of taking out his cell. I stood back and watched suspiciously as he dialed and held the receiver to his ear.

"Hey hun. Yeah, we're still working here at Mike's house. Listen, there's a bigger problem with one of his trucks than I thought, and this is going to take a while. Do you mind if I'm out a little later? Uh huh. Of course. Yeah, my phone is in the car charging, but I'll check it every once in a while if you need me. Okay, g'night."

I raised my eyebrow at him, and he smiled in that delicious way that makes me melt.

"Caller ID. Calling from here confirms my location. I'm good to go for a while now," he said proudly. My stomach twisted at his deception, but I pushed the feeling away. I was upset, and I just needed some easy time with him to calm myself and relax.

With that, we called out our goodbyes to Mike and Victoria, wherever they were in the house, and went out to the car.

Fifteen minutes later, we pulled up to a bar with a fairly empty parking lot.

"Have you ever been here?" he asked.

"Nope. You?" I answered.

"Nope."

"Perfect."

Two beers later, we were in the middle of an in depth conversation about musicians who attempt to revive their careers through reality television.

"You've got to be kidding me. _Rockstar: INXS_ was one of the most disgraceful things I've ever seen!" I said, giving him a playful shove in the arm.

"How do you figure? I thought it was a pretty creative idea as far as reality singing competitions go."

"Creative, yes. Entertaining, sure. But for the love of Michael Hutchence, what a way to replace an epic lead singer and song writer! Blasphemy!" My hands hit the bar top with a louder thud than I intended, thus making me blush instantly.

He laughed at me for a minute then finally agreed. "Okay, I see your point."

"Of course you do, I'm always right," I smiled.

"You have to admit, J.D. Fortune wasn't terrible," he offered.

I considered this for a moment. "No, not terrible, but still, it just never felt right to me. Then again, U2 made a lot of money writing songs about Hutchence's death." I shrugged.

"Wait? Really? What songs?" He looked at me as if he didn't believe me.

"Are you serious? Do I really know something about music that you don't?" I was truly in shock over this. He admitted he that didn't know and asked me about the songs again. "Umm, I think the one is called _Gone_ and of course _Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of._"

"Seriously?" he said a little too loud as he straightened up. "I never knew that, I always..."

Edward continued to talk, but I had completely gone deaf to whatever he was saying. My eyes were glued on the bar's entrance until I felt him shaking my arm.

"Bella? _Bella_? Are you okay?"

"Take off your wedding ring."

"What? No." He was laughing, obviously not away that I was serious.

"Stop laughing and take it off." My eyes still weren't on him. "_Please_, Edward."

He must have finally heard the pleading in my voice because he grabbed my face in one hand and brought my attention back to him.

"What's going on?" I could see the concern in his eyes, but I was too panicked to hold his gaze. My eyes kept flickering between the door and him, and I finally reached for his hand and went for the ring finger myself.

"Just do this for me. Please. I've never asked you for anything. Just do this one thing for me." I was pleading and praying he would just do it.

"Okay," he agreed with a nervous nod. He slid the ring off and shoved it in his pocket. He looked back at me and then turned to follow my gaze. "You know that guy?"

I nodded and kept my attention on him. I gulped and closed my eyes.

I could tell he was confused and trying to find an answer in my face somewhere, but I knew it was only filled with nervous fear.

"Who is he?" he whispered, leaning in and pressing his mouth to my ear.

I gulped again. Hard. "James," I breathed.

"Your ex?"

I nodded and opened my eyes slowly.

He was here.

In this random bar I'd never been to before.

He was here.

I had not seen him in months. Not since before I broke up with him over the phone. I had packed all his things and had one of his friends pick them up, then I changed the locks to my apartment. There had been a series of phone calls from him after that – angry, sad, crying, accusing, begging, screaming – but I hadn't actually seen him since before he took off, thus leading me to end things for good.

He looked the same, but worse.

He was too skinny for his tall frame. He'd always been slim, but this just looked...bad.

His hair was unevenly buzzed off because he hated bothering with haircuts.

His eyes looked just the way I remembered them at the end of our relationship. Dead.

They were the palest blue I had ever seen, and all the life they once held was now glossed over with whatever the poison of choice was today.

I wasn't sure if he had seen me yet, but I knew he would.

I didn't want him to come over to me. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I didn't want to talk to him or even acknowledge him.

James had a short fuse, and picking a fight in a bar was not beyond him. Especially with a stranger.

"Bella, look at me." Edward's velvety voice snapped me back to reality. I looked into his clover eyes and felt the tiniest bit of calm. "Don't look at him, all right?"

I nodded.

"That's right. I'll keep an eye on him. You just keep your eyes on me, you got that?"

"Uh huh," I muttered.

"Smile for me, love."

I tried.

I failed.

"Okay, new technique." He placed one hand on my knee and slid it up my thigh.

My lips curled the slightest bit, and I leaned my face into the hand that still cupped my cheek.

"Is he looking at me?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Where is he?"

"Across the bar from us. Don't look." He held his hand steady on my face.

"Does he look...angry?"

"He looks wasted. I doubt he'll even get served. Don't worry about him, just focus on me, okay? Me."

I nodded again.

"All right, Bella. I need you to really look at me and smile this time." He stroked his thumb across my cheek and I tried again.

Fail.

"Okay, new tactic," he sighed. "Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?"

I shrugged and rolled my eyes.

"She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills," he said.

I gave him a weak smile for effort.

"Okay, I guess jokes aren't going to work either."

Then he started to sing. It was barely a whisper so that only I would hear it, but it was still that gorgeous sound that had caught my attention at karaoke night months ago. At first, I didn't notice what he was singing, but I forced myself to pay attention.

"_Can I call you sweetheart or even baby doll?  
If I had your number, you'd be getting a phone call  
Can I leave you a message on your machine?  
Letting you know that you're the bomb  
And you blew up on me"_

I felt myself start to smile. Really smile.

Then I broke out into a fit of giggles, causing him to smile as well.

"You know MxPx?" I whispered between laughs.

"Of course I do. Yuri and I are like this," he said while thumping his first over his heart twice. This only incited more giggles from me.

His face became serious. "Bella, do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Good because I want you to hold very still."

"Okay," I nodded.

Very slowly, Edward drew both his hands up my sides and rested them on my jaw. He leaned in inch by inch as his smile grew, and mine grew with it until our lips touched. Our kiss was sweet and feather light as I scooted closer to him and took a fistful of his hair in my hand. As I purred against his mouth, he deepened it, allowing our tongues to slide against one another. I was so taken in by his scent and the way he felt against me that I didn't care about James or anyone else for that matter. There was only one thing on my mind.

Edward.

Suddenly, we were interrupted by a slamming sound that reverberated against the bar. Our eyes shot up to see that James had thrown his stool against the bar, causing it to ricochet and fall to the floor. He was storming toward the door with his coat in hand.

"Cunt!" he screamed without looking back.

Edward jerked away from me to get out of his seat and go after James, but I grabbed his arm.

"No," I pleaded softly. "He's not worth it."

He looked down at me with a fury I had never seen in his eyes, but I knew it wasn't directed at me. He was ready to defend me. Defend my _honor_.

I stood with him and draped my arms over his shoulders.

"He's called me worse and I lived through it."

Edward immediately stiffened and tried to pull away.

"_No_," I said more firmly this time. "I told you he's not worth it. You did exactly what I needed right now. He's gone."

"Okay," he nodded.

I pushed him back into his seat as he took deep breaths to calm himself. He pinched the bridge of his nose while I ran my fingers up his neck and into his hair.

After several moments, he leaned back into me and put his arms around my waist. He nuzzled against my neck and gave it a soft kiss.

"Are you really okay?" he asked.

"Yes," I assured him. "Are you?"

"Yes."

"Good. And thank you. Really. Can we go home now?"

He agreed to that, so we paid our tab and cautiously headed out to the parking lot. I was grateful that we had not driven my car here. I didn't trust that James would have left it alone had he seen it.

"How much longer do you have?" I asked as we approached the mall.

"It's still pretty early. A while, I guess. Why? I thought you wanted to go home." he said.

"I do," I said slowly. "Come home with me."

"Bella, I -"

"You just said you have time, Edward. Please. I don't want to be alone right now."

"Okay."

He followed me back to my apartment and came inside.

We didn't fuck that night.

We had sex, but we didn't fuck.

There was nothing rushed or selfish about what we did.

It was patient and sensual and lovely. Our eyes were open and on one another while our hands and mouths explored each other's body. We came at the same moment, and afterward lay together, letting our fingertips trace the lines and curves of our moist skin.

"I wish I could stay here with you all night, Bella. I wish I could just be here and hold you until morning."

"Me too," I sighed sadly. I rolled over and gathered his clothes to hand to him. "Good night, Edward."

* * *

_And all the roads we have to walk along are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
I don't know how  
Because maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall_

_**Oasis**_


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been edited and reposted October 09.**

**Song: Feeling This by Blink 182**

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* * *

  
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It was Friday night, and as usual, Rosalie and I were at the bar trying to make some cash.

We were on the back half of the evening, and things had been busy, which is always great for the bartender.

"Tips are looking good tonight," Rosalie told me as we grabbed several bottles of beer from the same cooler.

"Fantastic," I said with a smile. "I'm trying to save up some cash so I can go down to L.A. for a visit sometime soon."

"Can I come?" she asked.

I looked over at her and raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? That would be awesome!"

"Hell yeah!" she exclaimed, walking down the bar from me toward her current customer. "I've never been, plus your cousin is really hot!"

I just shook my head at her and laughed.

The night continued without incident and the flow of customers was steady. Rosalie and I kept the drinks strong and our flirtations stronger, and it seemed like the tips just kept coming. I was looking forward to changing out that bucket full of ones and fives later and hoping for some bigger bills to be mixed in there as well.

About ten minutes before last call, I was wiping down bottles while two very drunk twenty-something women sat in the stools in front of me talking.

"Oh my gosh, look at _him_," the one of the right said, slapping her friend in the arm.

"Wow," the second said in a too-loud, alcohol induced tone. "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen _and_ he's alone!"

Normally, I just tune out the sexual commentary of the inebriated while I'm bartending, especially at this time in the evening when those who remain are trying to pair off for the night. Tonight, however, Rosalie drew my attention to the guy those girls were drooling over.

"Hey Bella, isn't that your man?" she whispered in my ear, gesturing down the bar to our left with her chin.

"Huh?" was all I said. At first I thought she meant Jacob, but if she had I'm sure she would have just said his name. And she wouldn't have said it with a question, would she?

I replaced the vodka bottle I was toweling off and looked up in the direction she had gestured. Ten yards away from me, sliding into an empty bar stool was Edward.

He was looking at me, wearing the crooked half smile I loved. His eyes brightened when he realized I saw him there, and I couldn't help but return it with a genuine smile of my own. He had never come in while I was working, so this was a real surprise to me.

I tucked the end of the bar rag into my back pocket and walked toward him, never breaking our eye contact.

"Good evening, sir. What can I get for you?" I asked, smirking.

"I think I'd enjoy sex with the bartender tonight."

My eyes widened instantly, but he cut me off before I could say anything.

"The drink, of course."

"Of course," I agreed.

I grabbed a mixing shaker and filled it with coconut rum, triple sec, lime juice and grenadine before pouring it cup to cup to mix. I let the concoction drain over ice into a tall glass. I filled the remainder with 7-up, added a lime and lemon to garnish, then finally drizzled some Bailey's Irish Cream over the top in a swirl that sank decoratively into the drink. I added a straw to the glass and slid the concoction across the bar to him with a wink.

At the same moment, drunky ho one and two from a few moments earlier stumbled over and stood very close to Edward.

"That looks great. What are you drinking, sexy?" one of them said in an attempted seductive voice. It came out as more of a slur.

Without looking at them or saying anything, Edward held up his left hand and wiggled his ring finger. They huffed and stomped off toward the nearest unsuspecting drunk male.

When they were out of ear shot I burst into laughter and he joined me.

"What are you doing here?" I finally asked.

"What do you think I'm doing here?" he said suggestively.

"Touché."

"Yes, well, I was actually wondering what you had planned for the rest of the evening," he said while swirling his straw in the drink I was sure he wouldn't actually consume.

"Umm, Rosalie drove us here tonight, so I'd guess I'm going back to her house after we close," I answered.

"Why don't you let me drive you home?" he suggested.

"Isn't it getting a little late? I don't want to get you in trouble."

"Well, there wouldn't be any trouble tonight," he began. There was something in the tone of his voice that made my stomach do a flip. "Carissa took Finn out to her parents' lake house this weekend to visit with the grandparents. It was kind of a last minute thing and I have too much work to get done to go with them."

I was taken aback a little at his statement, but not for the fact of what he was telling me. I realized that I had never bothered to ask him what his wife's name was, and he never mentioned it before. Or I had just blocked it out, but that didn't sound like me. Now she had a name. I had no clue what she looked like, but she did have a name now. It made her feel more like an actual person. Sort of. Carissa...it sounds snobby.

"Does that mean...?" I raised my eyebrows at him.

He cut me off. "No curfew."

"Oh!"

"Yeah."

Last call came and went, and Rosalie and I managed to clear the bar out with the help of our security guard and Edward. Rose restocked the coolers with the beer the bar back brought out for us, while I quickly wiped down and swept everything while Dave, the security guy, locked up for us. On our way out, Edward helped us carry the garbage to the dumpster, then led me to his car. I hugged and kissed Rosalie good night and told her to send me a text when she got home so I would know she was safe.

On the drive to my apartment, Edward kept his hand on my thigh, inching it higher and higher as we talked about how my night had gone.

We pulled up out front and I ran to the steps, spinning to face him when we reached the door.

"Stay here for a minute, it's kind of messy right now and I want to clean up real quick," I said, placing one hand flat against his chest.

He dove in toward my neck, but I leaned away from his eager mouth. "I don't care what your apartment looks like. Let's get in there."

"No! I'm serious. I'll be right back. I promise!"

I dashed in and went straight to my bedroom. I pulled the can liner from the garbage pail next to my bed and shoved it into the big kitchen garbage can. Then I stripped the sheets off my bed and replaced them with a fresh set from my closet. I hadn't changed them since Jacob had been over on Wednesday, and that was just...eww.

Most weeks, Jake comes over on Wednesdays, and then I'm alone or at Rosalie's Thursday and Friday because we have to work those nights. Sometimes Jake ends up with me, but not usually. Saturdays are reserved for Jacob as well, so I never really see a point in changing my sheets until Sunday morning when I do the rest of my big cleaning. I definitely didn't expect to have any company tonight.

Before going back to the door, I went into the bathroom and did a quick spot check for anything feminine or potentially embarrassing lying around that I wouldn't want Edward to see.

When I was sure the coast was clear, I walked back to the door and pulled it open. To both of our surprise, Edward was leaning against the door with his back to it and he practically fell back into me.

Regaining his balance, he grabbed my hand and led me directly to my bedroom.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I offered.

"Nope."

He pushed me down onto my bed and I bounced down onto my back with my legs dangling over the edge. He fell down over top of me, hands on either side of my head and still kind of standing over me, straddling my legs.

"You are so gorgeous," he whispered in a husky tone. His hands fingered through my hair that had fanned out around me as he leaned in for our first kiss of the night. He tasted like sweet mints and his mouth was hot and eager against mine.

"Mmm, you're looking pretty good yourself," I mumbled in between kisses and soft moans. "You should have heard all those women in the bar tonight."

His mouth trailed up my cheek to my ear, then down my neck to my collarbone.

"There were other women in the bar? I hadn't noticed."

I giggled and reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head. The corset-like top I wore came together in a line of eye hooks all the way down the front, and he quickly went to work unhooking each one.

I ran my hands up his sides, over his sculpted chest and across his perfect six pack abs. Leaning up, I kissed along his shoulders as he continued disrobing me. My shirt fell open finally, releasing my braless breasts, which he immediately took in his mouth. The sensation of his tongue swirling against my sensitive skin made hips shift, bringing his attention back to my jeans. He continued a trail of kisses down my torso while he unbuttoned my pants, and I lifted myself slightly so he could slide them off me.

Left in only a pair of lacy boy short undies, I scooted myself back on the bed, and he crawled toward me. As he made his way up, he kissed and licked my legs starting at my calf, then alternating leg to leg. His pace slowed the higher he got up my thighs, and I thought for sure I'd end up breaking the rules of my arrangement if he kept going.

Strong hands pushed my legs open to give him access to me, and his thumbs rubbed back and forth on the creases at the very top of my thighs. Taking in quick and loud breaths, I cocked my head to watch as he drew his mouth toward my aching center. So lightly that I could barely feel, he laid his lips against the thin fabric covering me and let out a hot breath that nearly sent me over the edge right there.

Not trusting myself to let him stay down there any longer, I instantly grabbed his arms and pulled him up on top of me, kissing him furiously and clawing at the pants he still wore.

"I...want you...now," I moaned.

He wrapped himself faster than I even noticed as I wiggled out of my panties, and I opened up for him. With a violent thrust, I took him in completely, pulling his entire body down against mine in the process. Our simultaneous moans filled my bedroom as I bucked my hips up toward him and he made quick, short thrusts into me. It was all we could manage with my arms like vice grips around his back, but I needed to feel him pinned against me that way, at that moment. He pressed his mouth against mine, but we weren't really kissing. We held our lips there, occasionally flicking our tongues against each other, but mostly just maintaining that contact between every part of our bodies we could.

"Mmm...Bella," he growled into my mouth. His fingers knotted into my hair and fisted tightly, roughly. "You feel...heaven...amazing...fuck! You're beautiful."

We continued that way for a few more minutes, wrapped as tightly around each other as we could manage until he told me he wanted to see me in the mirror. I released my grasp and allowed him to slide out of me so that I could turn over on my hands and knees. He kneeled behind me, guiding himself back inside me, positioning his hands on my hips and beginning to rock again. Once he was secured in place, I pulled my legs together just a bit to increase the friction and sensation for both of us. He groaned at my pleasurable adjustment, and I watched his reflection as he pulled a hand back and smacked my ass. Hard. Even though I could see it, I still shrieked, but it made me smile at him in the mirror and shift back against him.

The look on his face as he pumped me was almost my undoing. He looked so blissful, so completely engrossed in the way our bodies worked together, and I never took my eyes away from him in our reflection.

His hands slid to my stomach and pulled me up off my hands so that I was kneeling like he was. I tipped my head to the side so he could kiss along my neck and I turned to receive several kisses on my swollen lips as well. His touch traveled up to my chest, cupping my heaving breasts in each hand and pinching at my nipples.

I felt his pace quicken and I worked myself into his new rhythm. One hand stayed on my chest while the other slid back down my middle where his nimble fingertips stroked my sensitive bundle of nerves.

My already loud moans became faster, louder and higher until I contracted around him. I reached one hand around to his ass, holding him against me while the other snaked to the back of his head taking a fist full of thick bronze hair.

"Look at me, Bella," he demanded, and I did.

Our eyes locked in the mirror so I both saw and felt him stiffen. One last, hard jolt sent me face down into the mattress with him collapsing on top of me with a final moan of my name. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

After only a few seconds, he pulled out of me and rolled us so that we were face to face on our sides. Our arms and legs entwined and he pulled me toward him. We only paused for him to discard the condom, and then we went back to kissing.

It was soft, sweet make out while we basked in afterglow of extremely hot sex.

We stayed that way for a long time, kissing and whispering compliments and words of affection back and forth.

"You're really staying?" I asked, staring into his deep green eyes I wanted to dive right into.

"Mmm hmm," he chuckled. His fingers combed through my hair, and I thought I would melt right there.

"Good," I smiled. "Let's get under the covers, then."

I hopped out of bed momentarily to flick off the light, returning to snuggle up into his open and waiting arms.

We stayed there, enveloped in each others' warmth, whispering to one another despite the fact that no one was around to hear us. Feather light touches traced up and down my spine, making me shiver and cling tighter to his perfect naked form. I found myself transfixed with his tattoos, as always, or at least what I could see of them in the dim light that filtered through my windows.

I reveled in the moment, in our closeness. I was exhausted. After a full week of work and two consecutive nights at the bar, my body ached for sleep, but my mind wouldn't allow it. This opportunity to be together this way was rare. A first. To give our time over to sleep felt like an unforgivable waste, so I willed myself to stay awake and carry on our conversation in any way I could.

My head rested in the corner of his chest and shoulder, rising and falling with each breath he took, bouncing lightly with each chuckle or laugh. My bottom arm was curled up between us, and my top splayed out against his stomach. His body, both soft and hard, was intoxicating to me. I found it nearly impossible keep my hand still, but I didn't think it bothered him. His hands were just as active against my skin, constantly raising goose bumps in the wake of his touch. It felt like an electrical current passed through us every time we touched, and I wondered if he could feel it, too. It wasn't enough. If I could have melded our bodies into one right then I would have. Anything to have more of him.

I was so peaceful in our genuine alone time, pushing any thoughts of his eminent departure to the back of my mind and enjoying what I had right here and now. He never said it, but what I felt radiating off Edward told me that he shared my sentiments.

Probably induced by some sort of sleepless delirium, a question came to my mind that I couldn't brush past. Before my mental filter could catch up with my voice, I said it.

"Why me?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, shifting us so that we were now side by side and face to face. I whimpered involuntarily at the disconnection, but his top hand quickly returned to its resting place on my hip.

I squeezed my eyes shut, searching my brain for the right way to phrase what I wanted to say. My two little words, my word vomit, had opened this door and I knew full well he wouldn't allow me to just ignore it and move on.

"Your life. Your family. Why me? What's missing?" My last question was barely audible, but I knew he heard it. My eyes dropped away from his gaze, but he immediately grasped my chin to remedy this and return me to him.

He just stared at me there for a while. In the darkness, I couldn't read his expression the way I wanted to, but I saw a longing in there somewhere. Whether a longing for me or for the right words I didn't know and I couldn't really guess.

"I..." he began, but trailed off. I didn't say anything, only focused on keeping my breathing even and quiet as my fluttering nerves betrayed me. "When I saw you that first night...there was just something about you. I saw you looking at me, too, and it was as if my body took over all my sensibility. Then once I actually talked to you, I realized I couldn't let you walk away from me."

"But you've never done anything like this?" I asked shyly. I didn't want to insinuate anything about him, but I was truly curious.

"Never, Bella. Only you. I've told you that before."

I sighed and nodded at him, letting it be known that I believed him.

"And what about you?" he asked, breaking our silence once more. "I mean, you knew. I told you."

"I guess it was kind of the same for me," I admitted. "Like you said, there was just something there."

There was, though I would never admit the other part of it to him. The part about my sense of sexual victory and domination. The part that he would probably take the wrong way, and I didn't want him to change his opinions of me.

"I love my family, Bella, I do," he said in a tone that sounded somewhat defeated. My stomach twisted at his words. "You're just different. When I'm with you, I feel like you're what I was always looking for. I can't just leave them, but I don't want to be without you either. Does that make any sense?"

"It makes perfect sense, actually." It really did, because I felt the same way about him more often than I liked to admit.

"God, I'm the most selfish ass in the world, aren't I?" He took his hand from my neck and pushed it through his hair, tugging on the long strands.

I put my hand over his, lacing my fingers between his and pulling them back down to rest between us. "I guess that makes me just as selfish," I said with a half smile. I tried to sound reassuring because it was the truth. We were both a part of this, equally at fault for our indiscretions.

Slowly, he proceeded to tell me about his parents' messy divorce and what the dissension did to his childhood psyche. In a weird way, I understood. The choices his parents made and the way they handled their separation had a dramatic effect on him. The ghosts of that situation stayed with him, even into adulthood, and I knew he couldn't find any way to justify doing that to his own son.

I reassured him that I understood. I described the year that my mom left my dad and me, and how long it took for all of us to recover from it after she and my dad reconciled. It was a dark place in my past that I didn't like to revisit, but given the circumstances, it felt appropriate to share. I could tell that my openness had served its purpose when Edward pulled me in and kissed my forehead.

"Bella, I want you to know that...I want you to be happy. You deserve it. If you ever found someone...someone you could really be with, I wouldn't stand in your way."

No words seemed appropriate in that moment, so I leaned toward him and laid a chaste kiss on his lips as my silent thank you. As much as we wanted one another, he was willing to put my happiness first. It was the reassurance I had always hoped for; my guarantee that I wasn't just his whore.

He didn't allow me to back away, and our kiss deepened slowly until it was too much to handle with our bodies once again moving against one another. I felt him stiffen almost instantly, and I rolled myself on top of him. I kissed every bit of his skin my lips could find until we were made one again, rocking to the beat of our staggered, jagged breaths.

We collapsed into the bed, always touching and submitted to the sleep our bodies craved.

* * *

_I got no regret right now (I'm feeling this)  
The air is so cold and low (I'm feeling this)  
Let me go in her room (I'm feeling this)  
I wanna take off her clothes (I'm feeling this)  
Show me the way to bed (I'm feeling this)  
Show me the way you move (I'm feeling this)  
Fuck it, it's such a blur (I'm feeling this)  
I love all the things you do (I'm feeling this)_

_**Blink 182**_

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**E/N: **_**Why did I choose an original character to be Edward's wife when so many other character's name are arbitrarily thrown around in this story?**_** Well, we only see things in Bella's POV, so a lot of details about Edward's life are a mystery. I didn't want there to be any presumptions about his wife or relationship besides what he tells Bella, thus she is just a random name we still know nothing about. I hope that clears things up! I'm always happy to answer any other questions you have.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been edited and reposted October 09.**

**Song: In the Middle by Theory of a Deadman**

**

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**

I awoke to a loud moan and quickly realized it was my own.

Fire pooled between my legs as I felt talented fingers gliding in and out of me. Without opening my eyes, my mouth found Edward's neck. I licked and kissed every inch of it, side to side, over his Adam's apple, and beneath his chin. The budding scruff along his jaw line scraped my willing tongue and tickled my lips.

"You know, you sleep talk," he finally spoke in a husky voice as his hand continued its ministration.

"Oh no," I groaned into the crook of his neck. "I haven't done that in years!"

"No worries, love. It was incredibly sexy to wake up hearing you say my name. Especially with your hand wrapped around my cock."

I couldn't help it, I burst into a fit of giggles. Even in my sleep, I was trying to have sex with him. I think he understood because he joined my musings, but it didn't last long. Our humorous moment quickly returned to its erotic beginning...which led to a very happy ending for both of us.

After basking in the afterglow for ten or fifteen minutes, I rolled away from Edward's warm arms and out of my bed. I picked up his shirt and boxers from the floor and put them on as he watched me with one eyebrow raised. Granted, we were in my home where I could have put on anything of mine, but I knew this way he would be left with only his pants and I'd get a little extra time to ogle his hot body. I also wanted to be surrounded by his delicious scent.

I skipped off to the bathroom to freshen up and give my teeth a good scrubbing considering that we missed that part last night. While that was normally unacceptable to me, I was too caught up last night to care.

"I left an extra toothbrush on the counter for you," I said, poking my head into the bedroom. "I'm going to make some breakfast."

I heard him go into the bathroom as I prepared coffee, pancakes, eggs, toast, bacon and fresh fruit.

"Hungry this morning?" he chuckled as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. I was just finishing the last batch of pancakes and flipping them onto a plate. I spun around, spatula and plate in my hands and stretched on my tip toes with puckered lips. He bent down to meet me, and we kissed lightly before taking our seats at the table to eat.

In that moment, my heart broke a little. The realization that Edward and I could never have this kind of life together was painful. Who's to say we would ever be compatible like this, but still, not being able to ever give that a chance struck a chord in me I hadn't realized existed until just then.

I took a fast gulp of my coffee to shield the look on my face I didn't want to reveal. "Ouch! That's really hot!" I lied and winced.

Shoving those useless observations away, I studied Edward's gorgeous body as we ate and made small talk. It was a worthy distraction from my errant thoughts and it kept me from getting off track again.

When we had cleaned up the kitchen, we retreated back to my bedroom where we stacked pillows against the headboard and cuddled up together. He found some car show I would never fully understand and we settled into companionable silence for the duration of the program. When it ended, he turned to look at me.

"Regrettable as it is, I really do have a lot I need to get done today."

"I know," I sighed, squeezing him around his ribs. He softly chuckled at my unwillingness to let him go.

"Can I see you tonight?" he asked.

"I kind of have plans already," I said with a twinge of sadness. It was the truth. Ben was having another one of his parties and I had already promised Jacob I would have dinner with him beforehand.

"Sunday afternoon?"

"Brunch with my parents," I sighed.

"Well, that's the way things go sometime. Can I still call you later?"

"Of course," I smiled. "I probably won't be able to answer after seven, but anytime before that is fine."

"Okay," he smiled back, stretching his arms over his head and preparing to stand.

I stood with him and fingered the hem of his shirt I was wearing. "I guess you need this back."

He nodded, and I gave him a little smirk. Facing him, I took a step closer and crisscrossed my arms to peel it off me and over my head. I handed it back to him and stood there topless as he slid it over his head. He grabbed a fist full of the fabric near the collar and pulled it to his nose.

"It smells like you now," he said softly beaming down at me.

I put my thumbs into the waistband of his boxers to slide them off, but he caught my wrists before I could.

"Keep them," he whispered in my ear and placed a kiss on the soft skin just below. "They look better on you anyway. You can wear them to bed with one of those little tank tops of yours. Mmm..."

I giggled and slapped his chest playfully, then went to my dresser to retrieve one of said tank tops. I heard him sigh as I covered my body with the thin fabric. We walked slowly to my door, hand in hand and stopped before opening it. Our kiss was full of emotion and appreciation and tasted like coffee and syrup as our tongues danced together.

"Thank you," he said softly when our kiss broke. "This was wonderful."

"Likewise," I agreed with a smile.

He stood there looking into my eyes for many moments, and I had to be the one to break the silence.

"Go!" I pushed away from him. "If you don't I'm going to drag you back inside and keep you in my bed all day long!"

"Tempting..." He took a step closer to me, closing the gap I had created. One of his arms curled around to the small of my back so that I was pressed against him. I could feel his growing arousal, but I wiggled out of his grasp.

"You think I'm joking," I purred. "You're the one who has stuff to do today."

"No, I know you're not joking. That's the hard part," he sighed. "But you're right, I need to get going, as much as I don't want to."

He kissed me quickly once more, then turned for the door. I stood there watching until his car pulled away and was out of sight on my street.

Back in my room, I collapsed face first into my bed, breathing deeply and taking in Edward's sweet, musky scent on my pillows.

There was no way I was bringing Jacob back here tonight. I wasn't ready to rid my bed of this delicious scent or the memories that went with it.

………………..

After a shower and a quick clean up of the apartment, I decided to head to the laundromat then the gym. I flipped through the latest _Cosmo_ as I waited for my clothes and talked to Rosalie who agreed to meet me for a work out.

We warmed up on the elliptical and headed to the circuit room to make our rounds there.

She had decided to go to Felix's house last night since I didn't come home with her, and she told me all about finding Ben passed out on the couch. Apparently he had one hand in his pants, the other hanging off the side of the sofa, and he was snoring like a bear. We both got a good laugh out of that.

I gave her the recap of my night with most of the details, but I left out the discussion about our situation and our family pasts.

"I forgot how hot he was. I've only seen him a couple times, you know?" she smiled wryly at me.

"He is, isn't he? And you haven't even seen him naked!" We laughed and bantered about that a little longer.

"Seriously, though, Bells," she went on. "You should see the way he looks at you. He's really into you."

"Really?" I asked hopefully. She nodded at me.

"Yeah, he's got it bad. Then again, you do, too!" she teased.

I felt my cheeks flush and was glad my body was already overheated from the exercise. At least I was already too splotchy and red everywhere else to make the blush obvious. Not that Rose would care.

"I do like him," I admitted. "I just wish I didn't sometimes. It would make things easier."

"Yeah," she trailed off. She looked as though she was reminiscing.

"It's complicated."

"Believe you me, I know it is. Just don't get hurt, baby girl. That's why I'm glad you're still seeing other people."

I nodded in agreement, and we continued our workout. We didn't return to the subject of Edward for the rest of the time there.

As much as I love my best friend, I was happy to get back on the treadmill for a run and put on my iPod. Leaving my usual rock and roll bubble while I ran, I went for something mindless and girlie and listened to some Beyoncé. It served its purpose for distraction and I was able to sing along in my head to most of it instead of thinking about Edward the entire time. I won't say my overall workout cleared my head, but it did help.

I liked Edward, but I didn't want to like him too much. It was a delicate balance for both of us, I knew. Our circumstances were clearly impossible, but I didn't want to stop. A couple months ago I may have been able to blow him off and move on to the next guy. Not now. Not when we had really gotten close and become friends. Not when real feelings had developed between us along the way.

I would just have to think of Edward the way I do Jacob and Garrett and any other guy. We would do our thing, have our fun, and even if I felt affectionate toward him, I would put myself first.

I could do that.

It's what I have been doing since James, so no problem. I think.

Rosalie and I went back to her house and got cleaned up, and she suggested some retail therapy to round out the day. I reminded her that we were saving for L.A. and that we would just have to wear something we already owned to Ben's party tonight. She unhappily conceded, and we went about picking out items from her wardrobe and modeling them for one another. As we did, we computed how much money we should put away each week and how long it would take us to save enough. We had to take other things into consideration – me saving to get out of my apartment, allotments for clothes and alcohol, and, oh yeah, bills. We concluded that it would take some time, but we could definitely do it before summer if we stayed faithful to our plan and budget.

We lounged around a little bit longer, and then I headed home to get ready for my dinner with Jacob.

Since there was a party tonight, I chose a pair of black pants and a low cut gray and silver top. I found a matching pair of silver pumps and wore my hair up in a curly, flowy ponytail. When Jacob picked me up, he gave me a little spin by my hand and kissed me in approval.

Dinner was nice. Not particularly anything special, which was fine, but we had a good time talking and catching up since Wednesday. I told him about my plans to go back to L.A. and visit Emmett again, and he asked how my cousin was doing.

By the time we arrived at Ben's, a fairly decent crowd had already gathered. Jacob went straight to the alcohol, and I went in search of Rosalie since I had seen her car in the driveway. I passed Garrett in the hall and he made sure to give me a playful smack on the ass as I went by. I eventually found Rosalie playing pool with Felix, but she abandoned him and passed her cue to one of the guys to take over. She led me off to her secret stash of cherry vodka, and we made ourselves some Dirty Shirley's.

A Dirty Shirley is a drink we created ourselves. It was similar to a Shirley Temple but with alcohol. It was just cherry vodka, Sprite and a little sour mix, and it tasted just like more tame version if you got the proportions right.

Drinks in hand, we headed back to the party and spent the rest of the night mingling, talking, dancing, and playing pool with everyone. To my surprise, none of the usual skanks caused any trouble that Rose or I could see, and I was relieved to not have drama for once.

Jacob was being really sweet and affectionate, but not too clingy. It reminded me a lot of when we first started hanging out together. At one point, he pulled me into an empty hall and assaulted my mouth and neck with hot kisses. His hands were planted firmly on my hips, roughly rubbing his thumbs against the exposed skin between my pants and shirt. I let my hands explore his broad shoulders, rubbing up and down over his arms. Damn, he had some sexy arms. They were just...grr...fucking hot. I was thoroughly enjoying myself, if I do say so.

His plump lips peppered kisses from the hollow of my neck, up my collarbone, and eventually back up to my lips. "I want you so bad. You are so damn hot tonight, Bella," he breathed onto my overheating skin.

That's when I froze. Momentarily.

_Oh fuck me, I can't fucking fuck Jacob tonight._

I had already been with Edward that day. The alcohol had temporarily clouded the lingering memories of my sleepover, but reality suddenly hit me like lightning.

Shit.

It had been so long since that rule was necessary for me that I had almost forgotten it. Actually, the last time was here at Ben's house when Garrett cornered me in the pantry.

Trying not to freak out too much, I let our hot and heavy make out session continue, but I welcomed the interruption when some other people came down the hall.

"I'm gonna go find Rosalie," I told him. I gently patted his cheek and left one last quick kiss on his mouth before trotting off in search of my BFF.

My pace was fast, but I attempted to retain some control as I frantically searched for Rosalie. After buzzing through the game room, two bedrooms and three family rooms, I found her in the downstairs kitchen. She was standing by the counter talking to a couple girls who were actually not bitches, and I ran up and grabbed her by the hand.

"I need you," I pleaded. Without hesitation she came with me to an unoccupied bathroom.

"Bella, what the hell is wrong? Are you okay? You look totally tweaked," she said, trying to dissect my sudden panic.

"I'm a frigging idiot, that's what's wrong," I told her. She smirked and gave me the 'what now?' look. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! I already had sex with Edward today and I know Jacob totally expects us to stay together here tonight. What am I supposed to do?"

She contemplated my predicament for a moment, then made her suggestion.

"Pretend to get sick?"

"No, I don't want people to think I can't handle my liquor."

"Want me to pretend to get sick?"

"That won't work, either. Felix would want to take you home."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

We were both silent for another minute, attempting to think of something that would work.

"Are you close to your period?" she asked.

"Yeah, but not until Tuesday. If I fake it this early, I'll have to cover my ass on the back end to explain why it was so long."

"Crap."

"Yeah..." I trailed off. Then something hit me. It might just work. "Why don't we go up to one of the guest bedrooms and put on a movie. We can pretend we passed out. We'll go in the one Jacob and I usually sleep in when we're here. Please take one for the team! I know you won't get to have sex tonight, but I'd do it for you!"

"All right, no problem. But you owe me, woman. I'm damn horny tonight," she said.

"Whatever, you're always horny."

"True."

So we did just what we had discussed. For added effect, we put the empty vodka bottle and cups on the night stand, and we left our shoes and socks on the floor. The music from the party downstairs pounded through the house, but we ignored it as we watched our movie and enjoyed some girl talk. To be completely honest, it was really nice to take some down time with Rose and chill. We saw each other all the time, but we had less and less of this kind of time lately.

The guys must have been too drunk to notice that we had gone missing because it took two hours for anyone to come looking for us. We pretended to be asleep when Jacob came in and placed a kiss on my forehead before walking back out of the room.

We really fell asleep after that because I woke to the morning light, not next to Rosalie but Jacob.

"Hey sleepyhead," he murmured with a sweet smile.

"Morning," I mumbled back. "What happened?"

Faking my level of inebriation was probably the best way to go.

"You and Rose passed out up here. Felix took her into one of the other bedrooms when he wanted to go to sleep. How much did you guys drink last night? I didn't think you were doing too bad, but..."

"More than I thought, I guess," I lied. Whatever. He wouldn't know that difference.

"You know," he began with a mischievous grin. "I'm very disappointed that we didn't get to finish what we started last night."

With that, he pulled me closer to him and started nuzzling my neck.

_Well....today _is_ a new day..._

My positive response to his affection was well received, and I was quickly stripped of my shirt and pants, which I had slept in. He kissed eagerly down my torso, never stopping at one area for too long. When he reached my belly button, his tongue circled the sensitive skin around it, and he planted a quick kiss on my little freckle just above it. That freckle was the reason I never got my belly button pierced. It's exactly where a piercing would have gone, but I preferred my beauty mark over an adornment.

As his tongue and mouth inched lower and moved back and forth across my quivering belly, my breathing picked up, and I couldn't help but be filled with excitement. My hips shifted up to meet him, and I felt the rumble of his soft laughter against my pelvis. The sensation only added to my excitement, which in turn encouraged him to peel my little thong off with his teeth.

Soon, but not soon enough, he was buried exactly where I wanted him to be, rocking my body with his unbelievably talented mouth. He was unrelenting, never once using his hands, which made the entire thing that much hotter. The fact that he could bring me to my climax with just his mouth turned me on as much as the act itself.

To my surprise, when he crawled back up my body after my orgasm, he simply laid down beside me and wrapped me in his thick, sculpted arms. I was feeling a little obligated to reciprocate, but he inoffensively pulled my hand away from his boxers and kissed my fingertips.

"I got what I wanted. I think you did, too. Am I wrong?" he whispered.

Still completely confused, I nodded and smiled. I really had no idea why he wouldn't want anything in return, but who was I to complain? _Yah for freebies!_

Glancing at my watch, I groaned at the time.

"What's wrong?" Jacob asked.

"I'm supposed to meet my parents for brunch. I'm sorry. Can you drive me home?" I felt awful making him get out of bed, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Not a problem, babe," he assured me.

"Would you like to come?"

_Oh!_

_Where did that come from?_

"I'd love to," he responded with a smile I'd never seen in all the months we had known each other.

Well crap.

Word vomit.

The origin? I have absofuckinglutely no idea.

I hadn't intended on asking Jacob to come with me to meet my parents, it just kind of came out.

I had given my mom and dad the very abridged version of our relationship, but I never anticipated introducing them to him. All they knew was that Jacob was a friend of Rosalie's boyfriend and that we went on dates occasionally. This was sure to be a damn surprise. For all of us, apparently.

We got dressed and I made the bed while Jake cleaned up the room. We crept out of the house, sure that everyone else who crashed there was still asleep. He drove me back to my apartment, agreeing to go home and get ready himself, then meet me back here in an hour.

As soon as I got inside, I called my mom and told her I would be bringing a friend to brunch with me. She was surprised and as curious as I expected her to be, and I was happy to leave it on her shoulders to tell my dad. I warned them not to be presumptuous and not to give Jacob the boyfriend third degree. He was just my friend who was keeping me company on the drive to meet them. My mom may have asked if he had also kept me company last night, but I pretended like I hadn't heard her and ended our call so I could get ready.

I showered quickly, then paraded around the apartment with nothing but a towel on my head as I tried to figure out what to wear. Normally, I went very causal when going to see my parents. Jeans and a tee shirt, hair in a sloppy ponytail, minimal make up. Today, however, I felt the need to at least put forth a _little_ effort considering that Jacob would be coming along.

I finally settled on a pair of distressed jeans that hugged my curves nicely without showing off too much, pairing a camisole with a comfortable blue Henley. Coupling the ensemble with my favorite brown boots and some simple accessories, my look was almost complete. I checked the time and knew I didn't have enough to straighten my hair, but I wanted to do more than throw it up into a messy bun. Instead, I opted to add a little mousse and scrunched my long locks into simple waves and curls. I blow dried it for a minute to set the look, and I was ready to go.

With perfect timing, I heard a knock at my door while I was switching my purses.

Jacob greeted me with a quick kiss, then we argued over who would drive. Since I had invited him, I insisted on taking my car even though it was a piece of junk compared to his.

We met my parents at a cute little country club that had an amazing brunch buffet on Sundays. I got my usual – a fresh omelet, half a Belgian waffle with berries, and a cup of mixed fruit. And coffee. Always lots of coffee. It was more than I could eat, but buffets are made for overindulging.

My parents were cordial to Jacob, and to my surprise, didn't pry too much or ask too many personal questions. For the most part, they inquired about his work. Mom and Dad filled me in on their week, and I shared a few stories about the kids at the daycare. I was initially feeling quite awkward about the whole thing when we arrived, but by the end I had relaxed significantly.

If Jacob had any apprehension about meeting my folks, I had no clue. He was calm, collected, and quite friendly with them. This surprised me a little bit. I realized that I had never really seen him interact with people outside of bars, parties and our friends. Despite his easy going nature, Jacob wasn't the type of guy who needed to be the center of attention. He wasn't shy by any means, but he also didn't make a production of himself. The way that piece of his personality carried through with my family was sweet and polite.

I liked the way he got along with my parents so well, but it also left me in an endless cyclone of confusion. I had never wanted to introduce them, but my traitor mouth invited him. As nervous as I had been about his presence today, I was actually comfortable and enjoying myself.

This shit's confusing.

* * *

_What would you do if we woke up and the whole world was gone?  
Well, would you believe with me is where you belong?  
Well there goes the world and we're right in the middle  
There goes the world and we're right in the middle  
I said leave me here  
I said leave me here with you_

_**In The Middle – Theory of a Deadman**_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been edited and reposted October 09.**

**Song: Say This Sooner by The Almost**

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On the way home from brunch, I made up some excuses about needing to finish my lesson plans for the week at work so that I could shoo Jacob off when we got back. He accepted my explanation without question or complaint and kissed me tenderly before thanking me and saying goodbye.

It wasn't a total lie. I did need to clean the apartment and do my lesson plans, but it wasn't anything that would take more than a couple hours. Not that it was what I actually had on my agenda right away.

The first thing I did when I got inside my apartment was retrieve some Ben & Jerry's and a spoon. I wasn't hungry after brunch, but I needed my comfort food. Collapsing on the couch, I let myself get lost in a _What Not to Wear_ marathon. It's truly amazing what some people will try to pass off as acceptable clothing, but I digress.

Spoonful upon spoonful of chocolate brownie goodness soothed me as I slipped into all the confusing shit my brain was juggling.

My whole emo thing didn't really make sense. I truly had an amazing weekend. First with Edward, then the time with Rosalie at the party, and even today with Jacob and my parents. That whole experience had been surprisingly pleasant. Yet here I was feeling like a complete mess with no motivation to do anything or talk to anyone.

It was all too much.

Getting to be that way with Edward – no restrictions, no time limits, no worries – it was great. I felt free. I felt as though we really opened up to one another and that we had a better understanding of each other now. But at the same time it was completely confusing.

If he was telling me the truth, then I was the only person he had ever cheated on his wife with. That was both exhilarating and frightening. I knew he wasn't going to leave her and I was okay with that. Wasn't I? In all seriousness, if that was something he wanted, would I want it in return? Would I ever be able to trust him in a relationship, knowing how we got together? Would he ever be able to trust _me_? I honestly couldn't answer that.

It didn't matter, though. It could never happen.

Sure, I occasionally had my little fantasies of him telling me that he was leaving and sweeping me off my feet, but they were just that – fantasies. He wasn't the only one I had fantasies about. I knew it was silly to think about, but it happened sometimes. Realistically, I didn't want that. I didn't want to break up a family and leave a little kid without his dad. Our conversation further solidified my feelings about that. No, I didn't want Edward to leave his family for me, but what exactly did I want?

_I have no fuckity fucking clue._

Then there was the matter of everything Edward and I had shared. He didn't reveal much about his marriage – a question that always lingered in the back of my mind – but he told me things I never would have expected. All our previous conversations about our families had been so superficial. Where we came from, things we did with them, what they were like. Never the darker side of things. Never the intimate details of the gritty, painful realities of life.

In a way, I knew he was probably just unloading.

I'm a separate party from his day to day life. I have no connection to his family, friends, work, or anything else. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's not _within_ the problems, for outside perspective and all that. Isn't that why people go to shrinks?

Yet I'm no shrink. And what he told me did have some purpose. He wanted me to understand a piece of the conflict he felt so that I would understand why he had to keep his family together. It helped, really.

It also raised a lot more questions.

What Edward told me made me think that there was something more going on at home than he would share. I guess I couldn't blame him for that, but I still wanted to know. Did they have problems? Did they fight? Had she cheated? Was he really a dick? Did he _want_ a divorce before he met me? Did _she_ want a divorce?

Those were questions I knew I couldn't answer, and I didn't feel comfortable asking. I had asked him why he chose me, and I understood him because it was how I felt, too. There was an undeniable chemistry between us, like an electrical current that ran through the room connecting us. Not everyone would see that as a justifiable reason for infidelity, but it was _our_ truth and only we could understand it.

There had to be more than he was telling me. In order to keep things going with us, I knew I would have to accept that.

Still, none of it made sense.

It didn't make sense for a married man with a child who wanted to stay married to continue having an affair.

It didn't make sense for me, someone who claims to love kids, to compromise someone else's family and happiness. I'm single, attractive, and full of many redeeming qualities if I do say so – what was it about _this_ guy that made me throw everything I knew aside to have sex with him?

Really, that's all it came down to.

Right?

Sure, we had become friends in the process, but I had plenty of friends. Friends come and go, with the exception of the special ones like Rosalie. Did I really _need_ Edward Cullen as my friend?

Need?

No. Yes. No.

No.

Not need.

Want?

Yes.

Very much so.

This went beyond sexual gratification. Even without the sex, I could talk to him for hours on end and never get bored. When the conversations lulled and we were just _together_, it was like our communication silently continued. I really liked that. There was a certain comfort in Edward's presence...and in his arms. Fuck me, there was comfort in _being_ with him – in that way – that was so different from others guys.

Best.

I didn't think so before, but now...the intensity, the electricity, the forehead thing he always did...

_Ugh!_

_Shut the fuck up, Swan!_

Con-fucking-fusing.

_I need a damn hobby._

_Other than fucking._

_Shut up, perv brain._

Something had to be done. Something had to change.

Just thinking about Edward this much was a complete mindfuck.

I had been in control of this situation for so long. When had that changed?

When did I start overanalyzing everything about us?

I fucking hated it, and I didn't want it to be this way.

I was pretty sure that giving up Edward was not an option quite yet because I'm selfish like that, but eventually I would have to. I just needed some kind of…I don't know, catalyst or something to help make it happen.

I would need to back off, though. I obviously couldn't handle things the way they were right now, so I would make some adjustments and regain control and everything would be fine again.

Yep.

…………………

I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep until I heard incessant pounding and someone bellowing my name.

I reluctantly opened my eyes and peeled myself off my couch. As I stumbled toward the door, I noticed that it was no longer light outside. Through the window shades, it looked like it was probably early evening. Man, I hoped so or I was late for work.

"I'm coming!" I croaked out once I finally realized it was Rosalie yelling at the door.

I swung it open as she was mid-pound, and she gave me a funny look.

"What?" I grumbled.

"You look like hell, Bella. Where the fuck have you been all day?"

"Huh?"

"I've been calling you all damn day. I even called Jacob and he said he left you here this afternoon after brunch with your parents. _That_ is a story you'll have to explain later, but right now we need to get your ass ready." She was still scowling at me.

As she shoved me through the door, I tried to put together a cohesive thought so that I could respond appropriately.

"I must have fallen asleep earlier. I didn't hear the phone. I might have left it in my car."

We walked inside and Rosalie started flicking on every light in my apartment. She spun me around to examine my current state.

"What is all over your face? Is that chocolate ice cream? Go get in the shower." She was talking so fast and I was still waking up, so very little of what was happening made sense.

I froze and put my hand up to get her to stop talking. "What's your problem? Why do I need to shower and where are we going?"

She huffed at me and put her hands on her hips. "Dammit, Bella, I told you my grandma's birthday party was tonight. I already told her you were coming."

"Shit," I muttered, running my fingers through my messy ponytail. I could feel that half of it was pulled out and that it hung lopsided on the back of my head. I must be a sight.

"Yeah, and you know she loves your little skank ass, so get cleaned up while I find you something to wear," she said. She was already moving toward my bedroom, dismissing me.

"Do we seriously have to go?" I called after her. "I'd really rather stay in tonight."

She spun around and gave me a dirty look that she normally reserved for overly friendly bar patrons. "_Yes_ you have to go. She'll be so upset it you don't. Plus, if my dad doesn't have some non-family tits to stare at tonight he's going to be a total piss ant."

"What? Eww!" I said at the thought of Rosalie's dad ogling me. He was like my own dad for pete's sake!

"Oh come on, Bella. You know dad loves your boobs, now get a move on!"

I shuttered at the thought and gave up the fight. Shuffling into the bathroom, I turned on the water and prepared for my second shower of the day. I would have tried to get away with not showering and just tidying myself up before changing my clothes, but I was a hot mess. Not only did my hair look like a bird's nest from passing out on the sofa, I also did have chocolate ice cream smeared on my face, along with some runny mascara.

_A shower it is!_

While I was still in there, Rosalie came into the bathroom and told me what I was going to wear. I heard her sit down on the toilet lid and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular while I finished. After I turned off the water, I grabbed a towel and dried off quickly. I emerged with it wrapped around me and stalked off toward my bedroom to get dressed.

"Put your hair in two braids," Rose told me as I started putting on the clothes she had picked. "We don't have time for you to do anything else. Actually, I'll do it while you put on some make up."

The outfit she selected was simple and cute. A white button down that was fitted to accentuate my waistline, a dark pair of wide leg jeans, and red heels.

"Braids with a white button down? Is this a semi-Britney look you're trying to give me?" I asked with a trace of sarcasm in my tone. She knows I hate Britney.

"Maybe," she shrugged. "My dad will fucking eat it up."

"Eww! Enough about your dad!" I shifted my hips, trying to booty bump her as she worked on my hair.

"Quit screwing around and finish your make-up. Or do I have to do that for you, too? I've already dressed you and done your hair."

"Shut it," I said, trying to keep my face serious. Of course I couldn't hold it and ended up giggling at her.

We finally made it out of the house and got to the restaurant where her grandma's birthday party was being held. We bypassed the hostess and went directly to the private room to meet her family. I silently sighed at all the heads turning to watch us as we walked through the dinning area past tables full of people.

Despite my attitude, I did enjoy the party. I loved Rosalie's family like my own, and over the last couple years, I had gotten to know or at least met most of them. Not just her parents and her sisters and brothers. I knew her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and many of her cousins. They were all so sweet and they accepted me as a part of their own family. It meant a lot to be around such a big, close family, especially with my parents' history and Emmett's part of the family. I enjoyed being around people who had never heard of the term "dysfunctional family."

The distraction didn't last long enough, though.

By the time we made it back to the car, all my previous thoughts had crept back into my head and were overwhelming.

Sitting there silently in the passenger seat, I could feel Rosalie watching me between glances at the road.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked softly. There was no accusation or sarcasm in her voice this time, just pure concern.

She always knew what I needed. We were so goofy and laid back around each other that it felt good to hear her put that aside and really notice something was wrong.

I wasn't sure how well I could talk about it, but at least she opened the door for me.

"I don't know, I guess I just have a lot on my mind," I said with a sigh.

It was dark out now, and I stared out the window on my right as trees and houses flew past. As always, it was raining, but the moon still managed to poke through a small patch of clouds and cast an eerie glow through the streaks of water that pounded against the road and car windows.

It totally fit my mood.

I felt Rosalie's hand lightly touch my shoulder, and I looked over at her. She had the most beautiful pout on her lips as her hand trailed down to take my hand from my lap and secure it within her own. With a gentle squeeze, she gave me her silent request for more information.

I knew she would accept it if I didn't give her something, but that wouldn't solve anything. She would know there was something still wrong with me the next time we got together and I would eventually cave.

Mustering up the nerve and scrambling my brain for the right way to explain myself, I readjusted in my seat to orient my body toward her position in the driver's seat.

"I'm feeling a little, I don't know, overwhelmed or something," I finally told her.

"Over what, baby girl?" she asked, giving my hand another squeeze.

"I don't know, Rose. Everything. Life. Guys. Work. My brain hurts."

She asked what she could do to help, but there wasn't anything she could do. These were my issues, and even though she was my best friend and the most amazing friend anyone could ever possibly have, only I could work through them.

I told her a little bit about how being with Edward over the weekend made me feel, but I edited some of the details. I didn't lie about anything, I just left a few things out. Like the electricity thing or my revelation and moment of clarity when I realized what Edward and I had was all we would ever have. And I left out the personal details of Edward's childhood. I couldn't betray his trust or privacy that way, even if they didn't really know each other. Instead, I told her that he shared some things about his home life and I told him a little about mine, too. She didn't pry, and I appreciated that from the only person in the world who knows _all_ my secrets. Literally.

She listened intently and didn't interrupt unless she had a question or needed more details about something.

I went on to tell her about taking Jacob to brunch with me and about meeting my parents. I told her how the invitation just slipped out of my mouth and she laughed at me over that. I couldn't blame her.

"I bet your parents just loved him, didn't they?" she asked me after I finished my story.

"Yeah, I think so, but they behaved themselves. You know how they get in other people's business."

She nodded, acknowledging that, yes, she did understand how my parents could be. Especially after the sad excuse for a man that I used to date.

"I just don't know why all of it is so confusing," I finally confessed.

Rosalie didn't have any answers for me, but I was okay with that.

When we arrived at my apartment, she turned off the car and looked at me expectantly.

"Wanna hang out for a little while?" she suggested.

I felt a little bad saying it, but I wasn't in the mood to be social any longer. It had nothing to do with her. "I think I just want be alone for a while. I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Of course," she said, giving me a side hung and kiss on the cheek. "Call me if you need anything. Anything, anytime, okay babe?"

I agreed, and once I was in my apartment, I heard her car purr back to life and take off down the street.

I was miserable.

Who was this woman?

What happened to the Bella Swan with the tough exterior and insatiable libido?

I didn't do anything other than go to work or the gym all week.

I ignored most of Edward's calls, and cut the conversation short the one time we did speak. _I'm having a busy week,_ I told him. What a crock.

I canceled my usual Wednesday night plans with Jacob and said that I wasn't feeling well. Not entirely untrue. I _was_ PMSing.

Thursday night, I didn't even bother putting together anything great to wear to the bar while I worked. Jeans, tee shirt, comfy boots, hair in a sloppy ponytail, minimal make-up.

I still smiled at the customers and tried to flirt with everyone, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt fat, ugly and stupid, even though I knew I wasn't any of those things. But those are always the product of self-pity and acting like a total recluse the way I had been.

Rosalie offered to skip out on Felix and go get some late night breakfast with me at Denny's, but I turned her down. I still talked to her every day, but she didn't pry. She knew me well enough to let me be moody like this, though she did give me a time limit.

Saturday night she and Felix were going to see the newest comic book movie that was out, and she had already invited Jacob to come along and bring me. It was stupid to avoid him forever – he hadn't done anything wrong – so I gave in and agreed.

It wasn't like me to spend this much time in the house, and I knew I needed to get out. I always had fun with those three, so why not start there?

Friday dragged on at the school as I watched minutes tick by until the end of my shift. I loved those little children silly, but there is just something about a Friday afternoon that gets them running circles around you. The day itself hadn't been bad with the students to keep my mind occupied and distracted the whole time. Really, it was that last half hour before I could clock out that killed me.

I put a little more effort into my appearance before heading to work with Rosalie. Jeans, a simple low cut top, pointy heels, hair down, but not overly styled. In honor of my craptastic excuse for style, Rose wore a hobo dress and made it a point to emphasize the name to me several times.

Silly bitch.

At least it made me smile and laugh a little.

It turned out to be a lot more fun than I anticipated, and I managed to pocket the majority of our tips at the end of the night to add to our travel fund. She begged me to leave a little extra for our date Saturday night, but I refused and told her to come raid my closet.

I slept late on Saturday, which is something I don't normally do, even when I've been out late drinking or working. When I got out of bed, I took my time with everything. I slowly made my way through the house cleaning and getting my laundry ready. I messed around with my iPod and listened to music I hadn't heard in ages. That called for the occasional pause to lie on the bed, close my eyes and just _listen_ because that kind of thing is necessary for some music. I took a long shower and pampered myself in ways I hadn't all week – shaving, DIY mani and pedi, plucking, deep conditioning, the works. It was really nice.

When all that was done, I still had some time before I needed to get ready for my date, so I decided to slip into my favorite sweats and cuddle up on the couch with an old friend. I popped _Say Anything_ into my DVD player and smiled at the first sight of a young and geeky John Cusack. Lloyd Dobler owns me. There was no way this movie couldn't make me happy, and it really did the trick.

When it ended, I started to get ready for my night out, but my mind drifted back to the part where Lloyd, the eternal optimist, asks his sister, _"Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"_

_That's what you need to do, Swan!_

I pondered those sage words, and it really did make sense. I had been moping around like an idiot all week and enough was enough.

_I am going to be in a good mood. I'm going to be happy._

My decision was made.

Obviously, the way I was going about things wasn't making me feel any better about my situations, so in order to get happy, I needed to make some changes.

The first would be Edward. In order to avoid the unwelcome feelings I was having for him, I needed to back off a little. I had already done so this week and I was still standing, so it couldn't really be that bad, could it?

I needed to regain control and stop over thinking everything with him so much. He was married, unattainable in a concrete way, and that's how he wanted things to stay. If I could keep myself from getting attached to his time and attention from now on, I could enjoy the fuck and run with him.

Done and done. That's what I would do.

_All right, now on to Jacob Black._

Inviting Jacob to brunch with my parents had been a mistake. He was great and all, but I didn't actually _mean_ to do that. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea or mess up our oh-so-convenient arrangement, so I would just play it cool and pretend like that didn't happen. I would revert my mind back to the time that Jacob and I first started hanging out, and I would act accordingly. It was easy then, we had lots and lots of sex and only talked about stupid, inconsequential things. I liked it and so did he, and it was enough for both of us.

Decision number two made.

Little did I know I was a complete fool.

All relationships have two sides.

Both parties have feelings, needs and agendas.

I had no idea at the time, but one of the other parties would shake up my carefully manicured plan and throw me for a complete loop.

* * *

_This make me feel that I'll never be quite normal  
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive  
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me  
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve  
No one would ever see things the way I do  
No one will try  
All my friends think that I'm gone  
But I swear,  
I swear I'm not_

_**The Almost**_


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**This chapter has been edited and reposted October 09. Thanks go to PTB & keepingupwiththekids for beta'ing. Check out the EPOVs in my profile (**_**NMTB Extras**_**).  
**

**Song: Come Undone – Cavo (Duran Duran cover) -- Thanks to dolphin62598 for the suggestion**

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* * *

  
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_Sexy bitch, u coming? Need u 2 approve my outfit -R_

_OMW now. Chill. U always look hawt -B_

My phone chirped a few moments later, alerting me of another text.

_Dur, but ur opinion counts. Come stroke my ego -R_

_Whatever ur ass is fine -B_

_LOL ily. Get here fast -R_

I pulled into Felix's driveway a few minutes later, but Jacob wasn't there yet. I knew that meant Rosalie and I had a few minutes to fawn over each other and make any last minute adjustments to our hair, make-up or clothes.

In the end, it wasn't necessary. Rose looked hot. I looked hot. We were ready to go.

When Jacob arrived, I was swept up into one of his off the ground, leg-dangling hugs.

"I've missed you," he said with a sheepish smile before giving me a hot and delicious kiss.

I grabbed the back of his head and returned the kiss a little more passionately than I intended. I hadn't kissed anyone in six days, and I hadn't had any form of sex in just as long. For me, that's a frigging drought.

I rubbed my thighs together where I stood. Already, my body was anticipating the activities that were sure to come later that evening.

I think Jacob may have noticed my slight discomfort because he pulled back and gave me a soft tap on the bottom of my chin before kissing me once more and backing away.

We all piled into Felix's car and headed out to the movie theater. The movie was great, and the entire time, Jacob held my hand or affectionately rubbed small circles on my knee. Every time I would sneak a glance at him, he would smile back at me or give me a small kiss in return.

After the movie, we had dinner at my favorite mom and pop pizza joint where we laughed and joked, enjoying each other's company. It was an all around pleasant night, and it felt good to have some low-key fun with my friends after being in the busy bar for two nights before.

When we got back to Felix's house, we decided to have a guys-against-girls foosball match. Of course, Rose and I lost because we're chicks and we don't care nearly as much about that silly game as the guys do. We had some beers and hung out and laughed, and before I knew it, Jacob and I had both drank too much to drive anywhere.

Crashing at the house was no big deal. We had done it more times than I could even remember, and I knew Rosalie loved having me around the next day anyway.

I woke up in the morning to the bed shifting beneath me, and I saw Jacob putting on his boxers and tee shirt through the sleepy slits of my eyes. "Where you goin'?" I mumbled at him, too tired to form a proper phrase. I glanced at the clock and saw it was only six o'clock in the morning. We couldn't have slept more than three hours – not with our fun in the bed shortly before.

He spun around, clearly taken aback by the fact that I was awake. There was a look on his face I didn't recognize and he looked tired. Really tired.

"Go back to sleep, Bella. It's early," he said without meeting my eyes.

"Jake?"

He picked up a condom wrapper from the floor and just kind of grunted to acknowledge me.

_Okay, this is weird._ Jacob wasn't normally so, I don't know, standoffish with me.

"Is something the matter?" I asked. The nervous way he was shifting around and avoiding my eyes wasn't the easygoing Jacob I was so familiar with. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable, and the uneasy hollow in my stomach grew with each passing second.

"Where are you going? Is there something wrong?" I pressed.

He kept his back to me, but finally sat down on the edge of the bed. I scooted closer, propping myself up on one elbow, touching his arm.

A huge sigh brought his shoulders up and slumped back down dramatically. I let my hand slide down his arm and then dropped it onto the mattress with a _thud._

After what felt like forever, he finally turned towards me, curling his long legs awkwardly beneath him on the bed.

"Bella, we need to talk."

A wave of nervous energy ran through me. What could we possibly need to talk about that would have him acting so strange and unfamiliar? And at this hour of the morning?

_Oh no, did he have some STD? I had his penis in my mouth last night. Oh no, oh no, oh no!_

I couldn't see it, but I was sure my already milky complexion had gone bone white. I sat up and pulled the sheet to my body as I leaned against the wall and pulled my legs into my chest.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just waited for him to drop the bomb on me, whatever it was.

"I..." he began, but then paused. The heels of his hands dug into his eyes as if they were trying to rub out the black circles that had formed just below. "I don't want this, Bella. I don't want to play games anymore."

_Nausea two, Bella zero._

"Wh-what are you talking about, Jake?" I asked in barely a whisper.

"I can't keep going on like this." He used his hand to gesture back and forth between us. "It's not good enough."

More nausea. The room began to spin a little, and I stared at him in my dizzy, incredulous daze. The lack of sleep surely wasn't helping things.

But then it fused into anger.

Burning, piercing, ugly anger. Not even the seeing-red kind of anger. This was white hot fury.

_Who the hell did he think he was?_

I felt, before I saw, his hand that now rested on the top of my knee. My arms were wound tightly around my legs, but I released long enough to slap it away and crush myself against the wall even further.

"Bella?"

"Shut the fuck up. You just...shut up!" I yelled.

What kind of person was he? I had been involved with him for months. _Months_. I never thought he could sink so low. How did I not know he could be like this?

_What a tricky mother fucker._

Hot tears flooded my eyes. I blinked hard, allowing them to spill out and run down my cheeks. The wet heat burned against the cool morning flesh of my face, but I didn't bother to wipe them away.

I stayed there, silent and still, holding my eyes closed as hard as I could without seeing stars. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to know that his words or his decision hurt me this way. So I willed myself not to move or make a sound because that would give away more than I could allow.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was never meant to be like this.

I had dealt with enough hurt in the past.

Jacob was supposed to be easy and fun; the opposite of a stressful relationship.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

_So,__why did it hurt so bad?_

_Why?_

_Oh, maybe because he basically told me he doesn't want me anymore._

He called it a game.

He said I wasn't good enough anymore.

Like I'm some whore.

_Am I? Is that really what it all came down to? Is that what he thinks of me?_

It was surreal and overwhelming, and I knew I could not keep it inside of me for much longer.

"Bella, listen-" he tried so say, but I cut him off before he could say anything else.

"Get out." I was flat, harsh; it was all I could be. If I let any emotion seep through, I knew I would break down in front of him.

"What?" There was confusion in his voice. How dare he!

"Just get out. I want to get dressed," I said without looking up at him.

I heard him chuckle. Fucking chuckle.

_Bastard._

"Why do I need to leave for you to get dressed? It's not like there's anything I haven't seen before, Bells."

The sound of his nickname for me rolling off his lips made my skin crawl. This wasn't a time for nicknames or jokes. I didn't think Jacob was like every other guy, but maybe I was wrong. He was just too nonchalant about this. It was fucking sick.

"Never again," I growled. "Now go. Just get the fuck out of this room before I scream bloody fucking murder and wake up Felix and Rosalie."

From my periphery I could see him stand, and I felt the bed release from his weight. He bent down and picked up the rest of his clothes, then went to the door.

His back was to me, so I allowed myself to look up at him. His hand was on the doorknob with his shirt and pants slung over his other arm, but he didn't move.

_Great. Just great._

I pulled the sheet off the bed and wrapped it tightly around me like a towel. I scooted across the bed and hesitantly went up behind him. The traitor tears were still streaming down my face, although their progress had slowed. I pushed his hand out of the way, trying not to notice the warmth I had grown so familiar with. I twisted the knob and eased the door open for him.

"Bella, I don't think you under-" he began, spinning around to face me, but I stopped him.

"Just go." I dropped my head so that he couldn't see my tears or the red splotches that were surely covering my body now.

Once he had slumped out, I grabbed my clothes hastily and got dressed. I pulled the comforter off and laid the top sheet back in place to make the bed as it had been last night. When I was done, I didn't know what to do without another distraction. The awful feelings kept building as Jacob's words replayed in my mind.

Fury.

Pain.

Confusion.

Anguish.

Finally, I gave in and threw myself face down into the bed. The tears returned to their full force, and I couldn't hold back my sobs any longer. My chest heaved against the bed, shaking the headboard and rocking the mattress beneath me. I buried my face in a pillow, trying to muffle the sound, but only managed to soak it in the salty liquid and disgusting drips from my nose.

I don't know how long I stayed that way.

It could have been minutes or hours.

It didn't matter.

I was just grateful when it had all drained out.

My sobs slowed until the sound was gone just like the saline, but my body still shook. Eventually, that dissipated as well, and I was still.

Still and dead and unfeeling. Absolutely numb.

_Rejected._

Rejection was the one thing I had been avoiding for months. By not dating and simply maintaining sexually-based relationships, I didn't have to let my emotions get involved. Yet somewhere along the way, I became emotionally invested in Jacob, even if I couldn't admit it to myself until he told me he didn't want me anymore.

I rolled to my side, facing the wall and begging my body to go back to sleep so I could forget all of this for a while.

The door creak, but I didn't open my eyes or turn toward the person who entered the room. Jacob surely would have left by now. I'd probably woken Rosalie up.

When I felt the bed shift beside me, I knew it couldn't be my best friend. The weight against the inner springs was too heavy to be her. The large, warm hand that laid flat against the small of my back confirmed my assumption.

"Bella, please," he softly whispered. There was desperation and pleading in the cracking voice. "Let me talk to you. I don't think you understand what I meant."

I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I wanted him to go away. Why couldn't he leave me alone and let this be done? It's what he wanted, so why dwell? Why drag it out and make it worse? We were never boyfriend and girlfriend in any official capacity, so we should just cut ties and walk away with any bit of pride we could muster.

Unfortunately, he wasn't going anywhere.

Without turning to look at him, I grabbed the top corner of the blanket and wiped my face with it. It would need to be washed anyway, and I would rather dirty it more than allow Jacob to see me with remnants of my crying fit all over me.

When I thought I had done a good enough job, I rolled myself over and sat up to look at him.

He looked upset. Not upset like me, but guilty and worried.

"You know, that's rich, Jacob," I snapped at him. "You take me out and fuck me one last time before you decide you don't want to be with me anymore. _Fuck. You."_

His face paled and I saw his mouth drop open a little bit.

"No," he began. He was scrambling and shaking his head back and forth at me. "That's not what I was doing, Bella. Please just listen."

I narrowed my eyes and directed all my hate and loathing toward him. "There's nothing left to say. You don't want this anymore, so let it go. I'm fine. I'll be fine. You can go screw whoever you want and not worry about me anymore, okay?"

Then that chuckle came back along with a stupid little grin that I just wanted to slap off his face.

Was he seriously enjoying this? Watching me get so upset was amusing? _What a sick fucker._

My head was shaking too, but I didn't notice it until he reached up and encased my cheeks in his big hands.

"Stop." His tone was firm and his eyes bored into me. For some reason, I knew I _had_ to listen to him. "You silly, beautiful girl. I don't want to break it off with you. I think I worded things the wrong way."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. I still could not figure out where this was going. He was so confusing!

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean for you to think I don't want you. When I said I didn't want to play games anymore, what I meant is that this thing we're doing - this seeing you a couple times a week and sleeping together - it's not enough for me. I want more of you. I want all of you, baby."

"Oh." I couldn't think or say anything else as the reality of his words worked in my head, extracting all the previous craziness I had just been tossing around and replacing it with this new truth.

"I don't want anyone else anymore, do you get that?" he asked, still holding my face and trying his damnedest to keep my eyes on him. "I don't want to share you. I just want you and me. I want to give it a real shot because we've been going at this for so long now and you deserve more. Can we do that?"

My cheeks flushed to the point I could feel the heat in my face and on my chest. Normally, my embarrassed blushing would cause me to get more embarrassed and blush more, but not this time. I was actually grateful for a little color to return to my stark white skin.

"I...this...I'm sorry I overreacted like that," I told him. I suddenly felt ashamed for my overreaction and hoped that he didn't think I was completely nuts now. He nodded at me with a sweet smile that helped ease some of my recent tension. "I just...the way you were acting, getting dressed and all nervous like that. Then you said that stuff. All I could think was the wrong way."

His hands dropped from my face then, and we readjusted our bodies so that we were both sitting Indian style on the bed. My knees pressed lightly against his long shins.

He took both my hands in his and held them between us. "I should be the one apologizing. It all came out so wrong and I can see why you reacted that way. It's just that, well, I couldn't sleep at all last night." That explained the dark circles under his eyes. "I've been thinking about this for a while now, but I didn't know how to bring it up. You were asleep, so I was just going to go get some fresh air and try to clear my head. But you woke up and it came out all wrong and you got so upset..."

I looked deeply into his dark eyes, and I could see how much my reaction had hurt him.

"Wow, I'm such an asshole," I said, dropping my eyes to our hands. I fiddled with his fingers, running my fingertips across his knuckles and rubbing circles on his nails.

"Nah, don't say stuff like that, babe," he said. His tone was lighter now, but a thread of nervous tension still coursed through me.

"It's true, though. I can't believe I freaked out like that. Did you hear all of my...craziness?" The telltale blood rushed to my cheeks once more and peppered them with color.

He sighed, grimacing at the memory. "Yeah, I stayed outside the door until you were done. Bella, I can't tell you how awful that was for me. All I wanted to do was come in here and hold you and make it better, but I knew you needed to get it out before you would listen to me. I never want to make you feel that way again. Will you give me that chance? Can we do this?"

_Crap, he wants an answer now._

It was all too much. The overreaction and all that crying. I was emotionally drained, not to mention insanely tired and I simply did not trust my own brain to make this kind of decision right away.

Logically, it made sense.

Jacob was a great guy. We already knew each other very well and there would be no awkward sexual discovery or anything like that. We shared interests, friends and history. Yet part of me held back.

I didn't think it was not wanting to be in a relationship. Enough time had passed since I booted James that I wasn't quite opposed to having a boyfriend again.

Jacob seemed like the obvious choice in that department.

So why couldn't I bring myself to just tell him yes?

He would be so happy, and I knew that if I allowed him, he would make me happy as well.

Regardless, the hesitance remained.

I was incapable of giving him a fair and reasonable answer right now, so I went with the next best thing.

Avoidance.

I wrapped my hands around his as best as I could, considering they were almost twice as large as mine. Squeezing them, I feigned a yawn and blinked at him.

"I'm feeling a little...overwhelmed right now, Jake. It's too early and this is all just a lot to take in. Can we just go back to bed for a little while?"

"Of course," he said, returning my affectionate hand gesture. "I could use a little sleep myself. We'll talk about it later."

With that, he pulled me towards his lap, close enough to kiss me lightly and simultaneously pull back the covers. He tucked me in first and then worked his way beneath the warm blanket with me. Spooning himself against my back, I felt his fingers run through my hair and get caught up in little knots all throughout it. I could only imagine what a hot mess my hair was right now, but I couldn't muster enough energy to actually care. I drifted off to a dreamless sleep and didn't wake up until Rosalie crawled into bed with me sometime later.

"Baby girl," her sweet voice whispered. Her fingers ran up and down my arm lightly to rouse me from my sleep.

"Hmm?" I groaned, blinking several times to focus on her.

A small giggle escaped her lips, but I was just confused. I patted the bed behind me and came up empty.

"Where's Jacob?"

"His dad called. There was some kind of emergency that he needed help with and he had to go," she told me. "He didn't want to wake you up, so he asked me to tell you what happened."

"Oh, well what time is it?"

"Almost noon."

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck," I groaned again. "I still feel like I could sleep another six hours."

Rosalie settled herself into the bed next to me and I scooted back to give her room. She tucked her arm under a pillow to prop her head up as she studied my face.

"What happened? Were you guys up earlier?" She furrowed her eyebrows at me and a look of genuine concern was in her pretty blue eyes.

"Umm," I began. "We kind of had a fight, but-"

"A fight? About what? Are you okay?"

"Whoa, whoa, settle down and let me finish," I said, putting a hand up to gesture for her to stop. "It was more of a misunderstanding, and I freaked out a little."

"Misunderstanding? About?" she asked impatiently.

"Well," I dragged out the word. I knew she could tell I was hedging, but it felt weird to actually say it out loud. "Hewantsustobeexclusive."

Rosalie shot up from her position and looked down at me. "Slow down. Exclusive? Like boyfriend-girlfriend, not seeing anyone else?"

"That would be the definition of exclusive." I rolled my eyes at her, but I couldn't help the way my lips curled up slightly.

I felt awkward looking up at her, so I unwillingly sat myself up as well and scooted back to lean against the cool wall.

"So..._are you?_" she asked. She was practically bouncing up and down on the bed. I didn't really know what to make of her excitement, but it was a little infectious.

"I didn't say anything, really." She shot me a confused look and tipped her head to the side slightly. I continued. "The way he brought it up, it made it sound like he didn't want to see me at all anymore. I misunderstood and freaked out on him for trying to get one last fuck out of me. Then I cried a lot and got really mad at him until he explained what he actually meant."

"You didn't answer my question!" she whined in response.

"I...I don't know yet. It was all so much and I was totally overwhelmed by it. We'd only had a couple hours of sleep and I'd just had a ridiculous crying fit. I didn't feel like my brain could function properly, so I asked if we could just go back to sleep and talk about it later. But now it's later and he's not here...which may be a good thing because I'm still totally confused as shit."

"Aww honey," she said sympathetically as she scooted over to sit next to me and draped an arm over my shoulder. I leaned into her and let my head rest on her shoulder in return. "What's to be confused about? You like Jake, don't you? I mean, you've been going at it for a loooooong time now, and you know what a great guy he is. And he's been a total sweetheart to you lately, right? I mean, Tiffany jewelry? Don't be dumb, Bella!"

I knew she was teasing about the jewelry, but she did have a valid point.

Jacob and I were great together. I couldn't think of a time we didn't have fun, and our relationship was insanely convenient with our best friends being together. Rosalie was always so good at pointing out the obvious to me when I couldn't see it staring me in the face.

I still hadn't come to a complete resolve, though.

"You're right. As usual." She smiled at me proudly. _Self-righteous bitch_. I meant that in the most loving way, of course. "I'm just a little confused," I admitted.

"About what, sweets?" she asked, angling her head down to look at me.

"All the...others. I mean, the only other guys I've been seeing on a regular basis are Garrett and Edward, but I don't know..." I trailed off.

"Don't be stupid," she said harshly. "Drop Garrett and let him try and have a somewhat normal relationship with Chelsea. It's not like you've been with him much anyway, have you?"

"No, I guess not."

"Okay, that one's settled then. And Edward? Bella, he's married. That's a no brainer."

"But…" She didn't allow me to protest.

"No buts. I think it's pretty well established that the whole 'Bella and Edward' thing isn't going anywhere. He's _married_ and he told you himself he plans to stay that way. I know you care about him more than you like to admit, but you need to walk away from that sooner than later because the longer you let it go on, the more attached you're going to get." She paused to take a deep breath and really look at me. "Bella, you and Jake make sense. Can't you see that? You've been single long enough, it's time to put yourself out there again and be _happy_, baby girl. Oh sweetie, are you crying?"

"I'm sorry," I sniffled. "I'm fine, really. I...I think you're right. It's just a lot to think about."

She pulled me so that we could face each other and embraced me in a reassuring hug. She stroked my hair with one hand and kept her other arm clasped firmly around my body. I needed her to be my rock right now, and she was doing just that.

"Shh...Bella, it's okay. I didn't mean to upset you. I just want you to be happy. I can't help it if I feel a teensy bit selfish and want this for myself a little, too. I'll support you no matter what you decide, but this is a _good thing._"

I laughed at her admission and pressed my hand to one of her shoulders to playfully push her back. I picked up the sheet and wiped my eyes and nose with it. She gave me a disgusted but humored look and shook her head.

"What? They need to be washed anyway!" I defended.

"I know, skankamuffin. You're just such a dork. You do realize you're crying because a totally hot guy, who you claim to have great sex with, wants to be your boyfriend, right?"

I let out what could only be described as a guffaw and snorted in a most unladylike way. Rosalie laughed at me and I laughed back, hard and exhilarating.

"I'm starving," I finally giggled.

"Of course you are, you didn't get your usual cock breakfast did you?" she teased.

"Eww! Stop! I'm not the one who likes the daily protein shake every morning!" I teased back.

Our ridiculous, crass joking broke me out of my stupid mood, and we managed to get ourselves out of the bed and head to the kitchen. Only the best of friends could say those kinds of gross things to each other and not be completely disgusted. We made some food and talked more, but the Jacob subject didn't come up again.

I knew Rosalie was right, for the most part, but her truths didn't do much to ease my mind. I owed it to Jacob to give us a shot. I owed it to myself, too.

Garrett would be easy enough to let go. He was my friend first, and anything that happened between us was just for fun. I knew he would understand and support it all.

Edward, on the other hand, well, that left me with a lot more to think about…despite Rosalie's reasoning.

* * *

_We'll try to stay blind  
To the hope and fear outside  
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind  
And blow me in to cry  
Who do you need, who do you love  
When you come undone_

_**Duran Duran**_


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs referenced are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**A million thanks to keepingupwiththekids, my sweet beta.**

**Songs: The Truth by Good Charlotte, On Fire by Switchfoot, & Rest in Pieces by Saliva**

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I said it myself. I said I wanted change. I said I wanted to take back control of the situation.

_Yeah, I said it._

I didn't really know I'd have the opportunity for change so soon. At least not in this way.

I stared at the phone in my hand as the ringtone cut out and sent the call to voicemail. I didn't answer Edward's call because I still hadn't spoken to Jacob after his revelation at Felix's house. I couldn't possibly talk to Edward until I understood what was happening. I literally spent hours thinking about what I wanted and how to handle this situation.

I left Felix's house shortly after having some lunch with Rosalie, and called my parents to tell them I wouldn't be coming out to visit today. I drove home slowly, taking in all my surroundings as I made my way there. The sky was its usual overcast gray. The trees and plants were lush and vibrant green. The typical drizzle cascaded from the sky.

While my world seemed to be at this dramatic turning point – possibly – everything in the real world, the world around me, went on the way it always had.

No matter what choice or decision I made, life would go on for everyone and everything around me. I was just stuck in my Bella Bubble looking for answers that no one else could give me.

I knew it shouldn't be so confusing, but it was. Everything Rosalie said made sense…on the surface, at least. It didn't take into account matters of the heart. Then again, I'd already resolved to back off from Edward. For goodness sake, I'd actually told myself I needed some kind of catalyst to change things. If this wasn't a damn catalyst, I don't know what possibly would be.

When I arrived home I didn't turn on any lights. It was still afternoon, so it wasn't particularly necessary, but my apartment wasn't completely illuminated either on account of the haze outside. Instead, I went to my fridge, grabbed a beer, and settled onto my bed with my iTunes on shuffle.

I laid there all afternoon and into the evening. I got up when I needed to retrieve more beer and use the bathroom. Thankfully I only had four beers in the refrigerator, so I could get a nice buzz, but not get hammered. I didn't want to pass out drunk.

A thousand things ran through my mind. I searched my memory for every time Jacob and I had been together and all the sweet things he said and did for me. I thought about all the reasons I cared for him, liked him and was attracted to him.

Unfortunately, thoughts of Edward infiltrated my mind as well. Memories of him were sharper, more tangible, and they affected my body in a physical way. I don't know exactly what time it was that it hit me, maybe sometime in the middle of the night. Edward was everything I wanted...and everything I couldn't have. Maybe that was _why_ I wanted him so much, but I tried to make myself believe it was more pure than that.

Jacob, on the other hand, was everything I _should_ want. He had done so much for me and given me so much. In the aftermath of James, he helped me heal. He reminded me I was a woman, and learned to play my body like an instrument. He helped me regain my confidence. He stuck by my side through everything and allowed me to be free at the same time. He deserved more of me. I needed to give him more of me.

_The facts were these:_

_Garrett – Purely casual these days. Doesn't even happen much anymore, but he's a good friend...who I sometimes like to fuck._

_Edward – Amazing in so many ways – too many to even list - but unattainable. Also impossible to resist._

_Jacob – The most convenient fuck buddy situation in the history of mankind. Bonus for being a totally hot guy who buys exquisite jewelry. _

I pondered all of that for a while, thinking about the pros and cons of each guy in my head. Mostly just the pros, actually. I have a tendency to overlook the negative. It messes with my sexy time mojo.

So, okay, there were a couple other guys mixed in since I broke up with James, but those were the only three who have really made repeat performances.

I adored all of them. I really did.

For many positions.

_Shit._

_I mean reasons._

Yes, I adore them all for different reasons. _And_ positions.

_Oh my gosh, what is wrong with my brain?_

The analysis continued.

The more I thought things over and the more I _really_ allowed myself to see, the more my self-doubt crept up on me. Really, that crap is on account of James. _Stupid fucker._

I met James right after I graduated from college. I wasn't ready to move away on my own. I wanted to extend my fun just a little longer before entering the proverbial real world, so I did.

I went out and I hung out with my friends. I worked in the bar where I met Rose. I had fun. I met new people. It was a good time. I avoided life and being a serious adult.

There were always guys around. There had always been guys around. In college and after. Of course, all those guys came with expectation. It's like you get a little alcohol in your system and guys expect you to fuck them. Don't get me wrong, I love to fuck. At the time, though, meeting a guy who didn't try to nail me immediately after introducing themselves was kind of...refreshing.

And that was James.

When we hung out, he didn't try anything. We really got to be friends.

To be honest, I wasn't even all that attracted to him at first. He had really pretty eyes, I remember thinking, but other than that he didn't do it for me.

It was really nice to be able to spend time with him just talking and not feel like a piece of meat. Even when we'd been partying, it was no big deal.

Things went on that way for a couple months. The more time that passed, the more I realized how much we had in common.

Looking back now, liking animals and the occasional British television series isn't much to considering having in common, but at the time I...well I have no idea. I was stupid.

With time and our common interests, the physical attraction grew. I never really felt like he was the hottest guy around, but it was enough. I came to find beauty in his face and in his body.

So one night it all changed. I may have initiated it more than he did, but really it just happened. We'd both kind of built up to that point and met in the middle.

After that, we were inseparable. It really knocked me off my feet. He adored me. He worshiped me. He said the most amazing things to me and I just wanted more.

I trusted him.

We had sex in ways I never knew were possible. I hate to say it, but I _do_ owe him for all the sexual progress I made in that relationship.

In hindsight, I can see the things I never saw back then. I can see the reasons James held me in such reverie. There I was – pretty young thing – fresh out of school, carefree, sweet, good natured, loved to party. And there was James - mildly attractive, community college drop out, crappy job, screwed up past, addictive personality, mental health issues boiling beneath the surface. Again, I obviously overlooked those things in the beginning. Rose colored glasses and all...or that ever present tendency of mine to only see the good in people and not guard myself from the bad. To him, I must have been a mother fucking jackpot.

We were good for a while, up until he lost his job. That was when the low self-esteem surfaced. With it came the increased drug use, the mood swings, the controlling behaviors, the lack of trust, the accusations, and the misery.

Yet still, I felt the need to protect him. To help him. I felt that if I loved him, I owed it to him to do everything I could to make it better.

The problem with trying to fix other people is that that they have to _want_ to be fixed. I, of course, couldn't see that or accept it.

I turned away from people who cared about me and tried to talk sense to me. Honestly, I was probably doing it because I knew they were right and I didn't want to hear it again. Somewhere in my mind I already knew he wasn't good for me, for himself, or for anyone else.

All traces of the James I met and fell for were gone, taking the light in his eyes with them. He was such a cockwad. He was nasty and spiteful, and I grew to hate him. I had no drive to sleep with him anymore and little interest in talking to him (when he was actually in a good enough mood to talk).

We'd go through our waves of trying, of course, but it never lasted more than a day or two. Every time I saw my old James, though, I would get sucked back in and make some excuse to myself why I needed to stick around longer. Pathetically, I probably gave that guy a hundred second chances. Chances he never deserved. Hell, he never deserved the first chance.

What a fool I was. I deserved all the things he said to me. All the harsh words, all the snide remarks.

_I am a bitch._

_I am easy._

_I don't deserve more than him._

_I am stupid._

_I am plain and boring._

At least that's the way he made me think I deserved to be treated. There's no rational explanation for how I became so vulnerable to him, but I can honestly say it didn't develop overnight. No problems ever do. They take time and the little details whittle away at you bit by bit until you're a completely different person than you used to be.

That was what my relationship with James did to me. I put myself out there to try and love someone, and it almost destroyed me. With that in mind, is it so hard to believe the prospect of another relationship scared the ever loving daylights out of me?

If I was being completely honest with myself, I knew in my heart that I put up my own roadblocks when it came to men. I pursued sexual relationships with men who weren't looking for commitment because as long as I kept things that way, I wasn't likely to lose myself the way I did with James.

Of course everything was different now.

I was going to try again. I was going to open myself up to Jacob and allow him to have a different piece of me. If there was anyone I could trust with my heart it was him. We had known each other for close to a year now and he had never given me reason to doubt him. That in itself was scary, but a different kind of scary. It meant that his feelings for me were probably stronger than mine for him. If I needed proof of that fact, I simply had to remember that he was the one who wanted to make this change in our relationship.

But I _had_ to do this. I had to try or I might never try again. Garrett was a really great friend, but I couldn't see us dating. We had a mutual affection for one another, but I think we both understood that what we had was just friendship and fun. Edward was amazing, and in a different world with different circumstances, he was the kind of guy I would fall head over heels for and run off to Vegas to marry. That wasn't the case, nor would it ever be, so I had to be honest with myself about where that relationship stood. It would be unspeakably difficult to give him up, but like Rosalie said, it was the right thing to do. I'd never been completely comfortable with our circumstances, and this was my opportunity to walk away and let both of us lead our lives the right way.

_Yeah, easier said than done._

Nonetheless it had to be done.

By morning, I was exhausted. I hadn't slept at all and I had to go to work, but at least I knew what I had to do. I knew what was for the best. It had been staring me in the face all along. I just needed to figure out how to set it in motion.

I couldn't keep Jacob waiting for too long, it wouldn't be fair. There were things I needed to take care of first, though.

I sat in my car after a long day at work staring at the phone in my lap. It no longer vibrated or sang out to alert me, but I was sure it would spring to life in some supernatural way and attack me if I didn't do anything.

_Isn't there some '80s movie like that?_

_Stop procrastinating and make the damn call._

_You shut your mouth when you're talking to me, I'm getting there._

_Huh, so this is what delirium from a lack of sleep is like._

Baby steps. I would take baby steps. I could do this little by little. Logically, it shouldn't be so difficult, but little in my life ever traveled the path of logic.

Nervously, I scrolled through my contacts list and found the number.

"Hey there, beautiful," the voice on the other end said cheerfully.

"Hey," I stammered.

"What's up? It's so good to hear your voice, Bella."

"Can we meet for dinner or something tonight?"

"Uhh, yeah. Is everything all right? You don't sound like yourself."

"I'll explain later," I promised.

We made our arrangements, and after a quick drive home to freshen up and compose myself, I made my way to the designated restaurant.

I sighed with relief when I saw his car already in the parking lot. I hated waiting, and tonight was not a night to let impatience add itself to my already tormented psyche.

He must have seen me coming because the restaurant door swung open and I was quickly swept into a hug that crushed me against his rock wall of a chest.

"Hey baby cakes," he whispered into my hair, leaving a kiss on top of my head before releasing me.

"Hi Garrett."

We got settled into a booth, but didn't really say anything. I fidgeted nervously, even though I didn't really need to be nervous. When I finally allowed myself to look up at him, he was watching me intently.

"This isn't a booty call, is it?" he asked.

I shook my head infinitesimally and took a deep breath.

He spoke again before I could find my words. "What's with the sad eyes, babe? Talk to me."

So I did. I knew I could tell him, and I knew he would understand.

"Jacob wants...wants to be, like...a couple." The last word came out a little more strangled and quiet than the rest, and I seriously had to wonder how that would sound to someone else.

I watched in wonder as Garrett leaned back into the booth on his side and let out a brief, albeit loud laugh. "It's about damn time!" he bellowed.

I furrowed my brow and stared at him. This was quite an odd reaction.

"Bella, did you seriously not see this coming? I know you guys started out casual and all that, but he fell hard for you a long time ago. I think the only reason he let it go on this way for so long is because he was scared he'd lose you if he pressed for more. You're quite an intimidating free spirit, you know."

"I...I guess I didn't see it coming. Not at all," I admitted. "Man, I'm pretty freaking clueless, aren't I?"

I let Garrett's words turn over in my mind for a moment. How did I miss something that was going on right in front of me?

"You really do live in your own little world, don't you?" he teased. My dirty look quickly wiped the smirk off his face, but he continued. "Honestly, I haven't seen Jake around any other girls in probably two months."

"Oh," was all I could manage.

_I'm the only one he's been fucking for the past two months? Shiiiiiiiit. That's before Christmas. What have I got myself into? _

_No, that should make me feel happy and flattered. I am. I think._

"Bella," he said, reaching across the table to place his hand over mine. "This is a good thing for you guys. I'm not saying I won't miss you, cuz let's face it, I _really_ will, but we all need to grow up sometime, right?"

I couldn't help but crack a smile as he spoke because I knew just what he meant. Garrett and I definitely had some fun together. It was almost surreal how easy going he was about all of this.

"We're friends," he said. There was no room for doubt or question in that statement. "Always friends first, and I promise I won't let that go. I don't want you to think I won't be here for you if you need me just because we're not sleeping together anymore."

"Thank you," I whispered. I turned my hand over, taking his in mine palm to palm, and I gave him a firm squeeze. Somehow, he knew exactly what I needed to hear, and I could see the sincerity of every word in his eyes. Letting him go was bittersweet, but I believed him when he said we'd remain friends.

We enjoyed our dinner together just talking and joking like we always had, but without the sexual connotations or tension. Garrett was a good guy. I had been lucky to have him in my life in any capacity, and I knew I didn't need to want for anything as far as our friendship was concerned. If I ever need a confidant, I knew one could be found in him.

"I have to ask one more thing," he said toward the end of our meal.

"What's that?" I asked, dabbing my mouth with my napkin.

"Now that we're not going to be fooling around anymore, will you _please_ tell me how you and Jake came up with your rules? I'm telling you, I have tried to picture that conversation a hundred times before. I'm dying to know how it really happened!"

"Oh god," I groaned. I buried my head in my hands and felt myself blushing. "Don't make me go there."

He laughed and gave my forearms a little shove over the table. "Come on. Give me a subject I'm not willing to talk about. Seriously. Just tell me. I won't ever tell anyone else, okay?"

He was right. He was, by far, the most no-holds-barred person I knew. No subject was too risqué or embarrassing for him. I was also aware he would now pester me incessantly until I gave up and told him.

"Fine!" I said, throwing my hands in the air dramatically. I huffed and gave in to him. "It came up one night when we'd been fooling around for a month or so. I guess you could say it happened in the throes." Garrett laughed at that, but my scowl told him to shut up. "He was, uh, going down on me and afterward he said something along the lines of, umm…"

"Come on, Bella," he teased.

"Ugh! Fine, he said, 'this is mine. I don't want anyone else to taste you like I do.'" I immediately buried my face in my hands again and refused to look at Garrett. I'm a pretty open person sexually, but it just feels wrong to repeat someone else's dirty talk.

"Why are you so embarrassed about that? Jake's the one who went all caveman on you."

"Yeah, well, we were pretty drunk, and, I don't know…It was fucking sexy to hear him talk that way! So I said yes and we agreed that it would go both ways. Somewhere in there we also threw in the no double dipping thing, but that was kind of a given for me already." I shrugged and finally met his gaze again. He was looking highly amused.

"Oh shit, Jacob Black the possessive carpet muncher. That's priceless! Well, I wouldn't technically call him a _carpet_ muncher since you have that lovely Brazilian, but the same sentiment applies." He slapped his hand against the table as if he was the funniest guy ever and I just shook my head.

"God, Garrett, if you weren't such a good lay I wouldn't put up with your obnoxious ass!" I rolled my eyes at him, but I couldn't hold back my laughter.

"Good lay, huh? Wanna go hit it one last time before you go all monogamous on me?" he asked with wiggly, suggestive eyebrows.

"Shut up!" I groaned. "And that means no if it wasn't clear enough for your ape brain."

"You love me, Bells."

"Certainly I do, but you're still a beast of a friend with a dirty, dirty mouth."

He chuckled briefly, and then looked at me with serious expression. "You guys deserve each other. I fucking love you both, so be happy." I mouthed a thank you to him. "Oh, and if you ever break up, I want to be your rebound sex," he added with a grin.

I shook my head at him yet again, and then our conversation settled back into an inconsequential banter. I knew I could count on Garrett to lighten my mood about everything and help me look forward to a relationship with Jacob. It meant a lot to me to have his support.

We parted in the parking lot, but not before one of the sweetest goodbye kisses I'd ever experienced in my life. There was no rush or need to be fulfilled as his soft lips pressed to mine and his tongue circled mine in a natural rhythm. It was like little silent whispers passed between us in those few moments, saying all the things we knew. They were comforts and thank yous and affirmations, and most of all, closure for a small chapter in our history together.

The dinner, the conversation, the kiss; it all gave me reassurance that things were going to be okay. I could be strong. I could get through this and find my happy with someone who wanted to share it with me. I wasn't thinking about a long term future with Jacob yet, but I was willing to take the next step. Like I said, baby steps.

Before my new found confidence and resolution could waver, I dug in my purse for my phone and returned the call I had received earlier.

The phone only rang once. "Hey, I'm in the middle of something. Can I call you back?" the velvet voice asked. For a moment, the sound almost cracked my resolved, but I quickly sidestepped those feelings before I could give in to him.

"I just need a minute. Can you get away?" I said firmly.

"Sure. I'll be right back," he said to someone. There was a moment of silence and background noise before he came back to me. "What's up? Are you okay?"

I didn't call him often. It was part of our understanding. I always left it up to him, so the times I did were usually just returning his call like I was now. At least that's what he would think this was. I had never refused when he indicated it wasn't a good time to talk, though, so he must have been wondering what was so urgent. I shrugged that thought off, knowing that I always wondered what he was doing when he couldn't talk to me.

"I'm fine, I just need to see you soon. Tonight or tomorrow if you can." I swear I tried to keep my voice smooth and relaxed, but a hint of discomfort made its way out in my words.

Silence was followed by panicked thoughts. "Is something the matter? You're not-" he didn't say it, but I could imagine what was going through his head as the last two words choked out. "Are you?"

"No!" I almost yelled. "It's nothing like that. Don't worry. We just need to talk. Somewhere neutral, I think. Can we do that?"

_Don't worry_, I told him. Would he worry? Would he care when I told him what was happening and about the decision I had made? That thought alone made me want to get off the phone as soon as possible before some kind of word vomit surfaced. I had enough of that lately.

But this wasn't the time to think about how Edward felt about me or how I felt about him. It was a time to take care of this. It was the right thing to do and I needed to stay focused.

"I can't come tonight," he said. "I'll figure something out for tomorrow, though. I'll call you then, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed.

"Okay."

The line went dead. All I could do now was wait and rehearse the impending conversation in my head, trying to figure out what was the best way to go about things. I wanted the words to be right. They just needed to be.

Breaking up with James had been easy, relatively speaking. I didn't want to be with him, and when it happened, it came in a flourish of anger and spite. The words weren't thought out or planned in any way. They were simply the product of two years worth of resentment mixed in with a heavy dose of adrenaline.

Edward was different, though. This wasn't a conventional break up in any way. It was more like walking away from something that wasn't really mine in the first place. I didn't want to end it, necessarily, I just needed it to end. He could move forward with his family the proper way, and I could focus my attention on a normal, healthy, socially acceptable relationship.

When I got home I took a shower before settling on my bed in some comfy sweatpants and an old tee shirt. I gave Rosalie a quick call to check in and update her on everything, but she didn't press for details. I would tell her everything eventually, and I'm sure she knew that. She had been so understanding in recent days, and I could never repay her for the unconditional friendship she gave me. I told her not to worry and that I'd call her tomorrow after I saw Edward. She said she would stay at her parents' house just in case I needed to talk afterward. Once again, evidence that she really was my soul twin.

I knew I had to throw Jacob a bone before he got worried or upset. We hadn't spoken since Sunday morning and it was now Monday night. I had already made my ultimate decision, but I didn't want to tell him that quite yet. I didn't want to leave him with the impression that I was refusing him, either. A phone call would leave too many doors open, so I opted for a text instead.

_I still have some things I need to take care of, but I haven't forgotten you. Wednesday, I promise -B_

His response came immediately. I tried to banish the thought that he had been sitting around, phone in hand, waiting to hear from me. It was probably coincidental. Then again, if I had spilled my guts to someone like he did yesterday, I'd probably be waiting around impatiently.

_I can wait if that's what it takes. You're worth it. xo -J_

His sweet words were simple, but reassuring.

_Thank you, good night -B_

_Sweet dreams -J_

Edward called shortly after I was finished with work on Tuesday and gave me directions to where he wanted to meet. He told me to dress casual and warm, and to make sure I wore sneakers or boots. I really had no idea what he had in mind, but I wasn't in a position to argue right now. I just wanted this to be over with as easily as possible. There was nothing easy about it, though.

I followed his directions off the main highway and across a series of back roads. I was honestly clueless as I drove, and had convinced myself I had completely gotten lost until I saw Edward's car tucked into a small gravel parking area between some trees. I assessed my surroundings before getting out of the car and noticed a small wooden sign marking the beginning of a secluded hiking trail.

_Strange choice of meeting place. _

He stepped out of his car when he saw me, and came around to my door to offer unnecessary assistance out of the driver's seat. Whispering our hellos, he pulled me into a warm embrace and kissed me lightly before staring at me with sad eyes. I didn't really know what that meant. Perhaps he was more perceptive than I imagined.

I couldn't stand to see the deflated look in his beautiful green-blue eyes, though, so I pulled him back to me for a deeper, more meaningful kiss. We were both a little hesitant at first, but it quickly turned more passionate and his lips left mine to give attention to my jaw and the exposed parts of my neck. As was my habit, my hands were in his hair, relishing the unusual softness in something so thick and messy. I didn't want to let go as I massaged his scalp with my fingertips, trying to communicate my adoration through touch.

He pulled away first and checked over my clothes to ensure I was in proper attire for our visit, which was obviously going to take place outdoors. Thankfully, it was unseasonably mild for this time of year and there was no snow on the ground here. It still got quite chilly in the evening, though, so we were bundled up in thick jackets. We laughed when we saw that we both had the kind of gloves that were fingerless with the mitten part you could pull over them. He took a hiking backpack out of his trunk and pulled it over his shoulders. I noticed a very nice looking sleeping bag strapped onto it and assumed that meant we'd be stopping somewhere eventually.

He led me to the trail head, out of the small clearing and into the woods.

We made small talk as we walked to wherever we were going. As usual, we got onto the subject of music and ended up in an in depth conversation about the extreme heartfail in Stabbing Westward lyrics.

A quiet settled between us after some time, but it made me feel unusually uncomfortable. Normally our quiet moments were pleasant, but the looming tension I felt inside didn't allow that today.

"So where are we headed?" I asked, bringing our silence to an end.

Edward slowed slightly to match my pace and walk beside me instead of leading in front.

"It's not too much farther up the trail. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I'll just say it's a place I like to come to think."

"Oh," I said, nodding. "Do you come here a lot?"

"No. It's hard to get away from family to get out here." He reached down for my hand and pushed the fingertip covers back on both of our gloves so that our fingers could interlace. "Come on, we have to go off the trail here."

He pulled me to the left and we navigated through a mess of decomposing leaves, fallen branches, and ferns.

"So...have you ever brought them here?" I asked shyly. Even if it was his place to get away, it was still special to him and he probably wanted to share it with the people he loved.

"No, Bella. You're the only person I've ever brought up here. It's sort of…my own private hideaway."

I turned my face toward him and saw that he was looking back at me with a sad half smile. It was far from the panty-dropper crooked grin I was used to seeing when we were together.

_Maybe he understands more than I...no, there's no way he could know what I'm about to tell him._

We walked in silence for about another hundred yards, but our hands remained clasped together. I relished the feeling, knowing this would be the last time for such small gestures. _Hell, this might be the last time I ever see him if we're being completely honest with ourselves, Bella._

I held a little tighter and memorized his profile in glances between him and our path.

Suddenly the woods ended and we stood at the edge of a large clearing. I gasped in surprise as I took in the sight before me. I'm not sure what I had been expecting, but it certainly wasn't this.

"Wow," I breathed out barely above a whisper.

"Yeah," he said in agreement.

As he took a few steps ahead and pulled me into the clearing, I noticed that it was actually more of a meadow. It was almost perfectly rounded, and I could hear the trickle of a creek across the open space. It was too early in the year for any kind of flowers to bloom, but other foliage filled the space in a variety of lush and beautiful greens. A hint of blue sky peeked through the clouds for a brief moment, and I couldn't help but mentally compare the hint of blue against the expanse of green to Edward's eyes.

Edward stopped walking about halfway through the meadow and released my hand to take off his backpack. He dropped it to the ground, and then bent to loosen the ties around the sleeping bag and remove it. He spread it out on the ground and sat, patting the space next to him for me to do the same.

"This is beautiful," I told him. "I can see why you like it here."

"Mmm hmm," he hummed in agreement, and angled his body toward mine.

Without another word, he removed his gloves and raised a hand to cup my cheek. I leaned into his touch and pulled my own gloves off, tossing them aside. His thumb stroked my skin with the lightest touch as he looked into my eyes meaningfully. He brought his other hand to my neck, lacing his fingers through my hair. I raised my own hand to his face and let it skim across until I held the back of his head in my palm. I pulled him to me, never breaking our gaze until his lips were on mine.

The kiss was slow and soft, saying things that words could never fully express. I kept my hand in its place, fingering strands of his wild hair. I would miss that feeling, too. Carefully, his hands shifted as he lowered me onto the sleeping bag and half-laid over me. All our attention remained on each others' mouth. When we paused for short breaths we filled the space with quick pecks and soft sighs.

Quite some time later, but still all too soon he pulled his lips from mine and leaned back slightly. I could feel his warm breath across my face – a sharp contrast to the cool air around us. When I finally allowed my eyes to open, he was still hovering above me, and staring back with concern painted on his face. We stayed that way for several minutes, silently communicating. I stroked his cheeks, ran my thumb over his lips, and played with bits of his hair. His fingertips traced a line from behind my ear, around the curve of my jaw, and up to the other ear. His touch sent tingles down my spine and left prickles of electricity where he had caressed my skin.

"Bella," he finally whispered. I could see a question in his eyes, but he stared at me for a few moments before continuing. "Bella, is this goodbye?"

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and I squeezed them shut to guard myself from Edward's reaction. I tried to roll to my side and shield my entire face, but Edward held me so that I couldn't. I fought against his grasp, but he never let go. Instead he sat up, pulling me with him and holding me firmly in his lap.

"Oh god, love, please don't cry," he begged. His hands made long strokes up and down my back. "Please, Bella. Open your eyes and say something. _Please._"

I didn't miss his term of endearment, and frankly, it was a little frightening. This was the worst time for him to be getting affectionate and cute with me.

He rocked us back and forth, humming an unfamiliar tune. His body was tense as he held me, and I knew I needed to say something soon. I opened my eyes and looked up at him.

"Finally," he said. His eyes were full of genuine concern, which left me guilt stricken. "Will you please tell me what's going on? I can't read your mind and this is killing me."

I took a long, deep breath and let it out through my nose. I tried to swipe my stray tears away, but Edward brushed my hand aside and did it for me.

"Yes," I said, finally answering his question from minutes before.

"Please just say it. Whatever it is I can handle it."

"There's no good way," I hedged.

"It'll be okay, Bella."

A lone sob escaped my lips, but he soothed me with a sweet kiss on my head.

"All right. What I have to say is that…that we can't do this anymore," I said quietly.

"Because?"

"I…well…you know you're not the only one that I-" I started, but he cut me off quickly.

"What you're saying is someone finally got smart enough to realize you're worth more than an occasional lay?"

"Oh thanks," I said sarcastically. "But yeah, pretty much."

"So you have a boyfriend now?"

"Well, not yet, technically, but pretty much."

Edward's arms were around me tightly, and he hugged me to his chest. I couldn't see his face, but I could hear his heavy breaths and feel the pounding of his heart in his chest.

"Is he a good guy? Does he deserve you?" he asked firmly.

I nodded against his chest. "Yeah, he's a good guy. I just…I need to give him a chance. It's the right thing to do."

He pulled me off his lap and sat us face to face. He leaned in and held his lips against mine momentarily before tipping back to look at me.

"The right thing to do? Is it what you want?" he asked earnestly.

"I…it's complicated. No, that's not the right word. Please don't make me explain it all to you. It's what I'm _going to do_ and that's what matters." _Wow, way to make a good case for your new relationship there, B._

"Don't think I don't hate this, but you deserve someone who can actually be with you," he told me sincerely. His words were warm, but his eyes looked pained. "We both know I can't give you what you deserve, as much as I wish I could. I told you before that I wouldn't stop you if this happened. I knew it would eventually. I want you to be happy."

A fresh set of tears spilled over my cheeks with his words.

"Then why does this hurt so badly?" I whispered.

He leaned in and kissed my tears away as his hands rested on my jaw.

"Oh god, Bella. Please don't say that. I don't want you to hurt! This is a good thing for you, right? I know you. You wouldn't do it if not." One of his hands went back to my hair as he spoke. "I wish I'd met you first," he said, barely audible.

"What?" I asked, straightening up suddenly. My stomach was in my throat.

He sighed and blinked hard. "I know I shouldn't say that kind of thing, but it's true. If I had met you first, I know things would be different. You don't know how much I wish I could be with you, but it's just…life…circumstances…it's impossible." He hung his head and all I wanted to do was take that sad out of his eyes.

"Please don't say that. Please…please," I begged. My mind was spinning with the implication of his words. My heart loved that he felt that way for me, but my head knew I would be better off if I didn't understand the full extent of his feelings.

"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have," he answered quickly. "But it's true. You are more than I ever knew a woman could be, but life just…Bella she's been my best friend since we were kids. And I couldn't live without my son. I just couldn't. I can't explain that…I wish I could, but it's too complicated."

"I know," I said, but I couldn't take anymore. I closed the gap between us and locked my lips to his. Hearing those words and thoughts was the best and worst feeling in the world. I wanted this to be a clean break, but things are never so simple. Hearing Edward reveal all those things to me after so long was killing me.

I _knew_ he felt something for me that went well beyond sex, but neither of us had ever admitted it in so many words. The revelation that he would have chosen me over his wife in another world was Heaven and Hell combined. Those circumstances would never exist, and he would never choose me. No matter how much I wanted him to, he couldn't. That's what stung the worst. I would never have asked him to give up his family and his life for me. If that were ever to happen it would need to be _his_ decision. But it wouldn't happen, and I couldn't begrudge him for that. He had obligations and people who depended on him long before he ever knew I existed. We may have never felt these kinds of feelings for anyone else before, but we both knew that we just were not meant to be.

"Please don't hate me," he said between kisses.

"I never could," I told him truthfully.

"Don't" _kiss_ "forget" _kiss _"me."

"It would be" _kiss_ "impossible."

"I'll never" _kiss_ "forget" _kiss _"you."

"I'll miss you" _kiss_ "so much."

He laid us back down on the blanket where we continued kissing, but ceased our affirmations. Instead, our hands roamed each other's body over our clothes, and our kisses spread to necks, cheeks, jaws, and ears.

I rolled us so that I was on top, and I flattened myself against him so that our bodies were connected as much as possible. I knew this couldn't go on forever, but I lost the argument with myself to stop. After a long time our kisses slowed and softened. They were less desperate and needy, and more loving. I unwillingly rolled off him and snuggled into his side.

We laid there together unspeaking for a while. My head was on his chest and our legs tangled together. He played with my hair, and I snaked my hand under his shirt to rub my fingers across his stomach.

The sky above us began to fade to a darker shade of gray, and we reluctantly pulled ourselves up to a seated position.

"We should go," I said unnecessarily.

"Yeah," he agreed, defeated.

He pulled a bottle of water out of his pack and took a quick drink before handing it to me. As I drank, Edward rolled up the sleeping bag and secured it to the pack.

We stuffed our discarded gloves in our pockets and held hands as we walked out of the meadow and back into the woods. We walked on without speaking, but paused every several minutes to share a few kisses. Back on the trail and about halfway to the cars, our kiss was neither brief nor soft. Desperate for a fleeting connection, Edward pushed my back against a tree and the familiar jolt of electricity coursed through me.

His hands pushed up under my clothes and he gripped one of my breasts in his hand. His long fingers pushed the thin fabric of my bra aside and found my nipple. I gasped as he rolled it between his fingers and my hips reflexively lifted toward his.

Immediately, both of his hands were on my waist, fumbling with the button of my jeans.

"We shouldn't," I panted.

"I _need_ to," he growled back at me. He didn't stop and I didn't try to block him. Hearing him say that made me lose complete control.

He shoved his hand into my loosened pants greedily, and the feel of his cold fingers on my hot flesh made me shriek. His fingers pumped within me, and I cried out against his mouth. I had not intended for this to happen today. I knew that being intimate one last time would make this goodbye impossibly difficult, but it was hopeless now. I threw my hands down to his jeans and tugged on his belt.

He yanked himself away from me suddenly, and for a moment I thought he wanted us to stop. I realized he meant the complete opposite when he forcefully tugged the sleeping bag back off his pack. I heard the distinct sound of fabric ripping, but he didn't seem to care. With it finally spread on the forest floor, he back down onto it and pulled me on top of him.

I straddled his body and returned to his belt. I loosened it quickly and fumbled with the button fly before he finished it off himself. He shoved his jeans down to his knees and flipped me over. We pulled mine down together, and I lifted my hips to free them. I kicked off one of my sneakers in haste, leaving my pants dangling on my other ankle. It didn't matter. It was all happening in a matter of seconds and there was no time to be concerned about such things. The air was too cold to remove more clothing anyway. Caught up in the frenzy, my only concern was that I needed him immediately.

I opened up my legs and pressed my inner thighs to the outside of his as he positioned himself over me. A look of panic washed over his face.

"Bella, I didn't think…I don't have-"

"Just do it," I commanded.

"I-"

"It's okay, I promise," I panted. "I wouldn't put you at risk. I promise," I repeated heatedly. I _needed_ him.

"I know," he said breathlessly. The tip of his cock pressed against my already wet folds. I wiggled slightly so he could feel my readiness.

"_Please_!" I begged through gritted teeth.

He groaned and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "Fuck it!" he growled as he slid into me.

"Ahh!" I cried out when I felt him stretching me from within. That initial entry was like an instant high. My desperate moans echoed through the trees, increasing the erotic energy between us. "Oh fuck…Edward…mmm…you feel…Edward…this…"

"I know," he strained. "I can feel…all…of you…Bella…incredible."

"So good…fuck…there…ahh!"

It was hot. It was incredible. It was the most emotionally charged sex I'd ever had, and it was the first time I had ever been with someone without a condom. Even with James and other serious boyfriends I was unrelenting in my insistence for them. There were just too many risks.

This…this was a completely different sensation than I'd ever imagined. The difference was small, but at the same time it was monumental. I could feel every bit of Edward; we were connected in the purest and most intimate way possible. It was physically and emotionally overwhelming.

Our bodies moved together in a perfect, passionate rhythm, and our eyes were locked together the entire time. As he looked at me, I felt as if I were baring my soul to him. In his eyes, I lost myself in Caribbean blue and intense green. If I never had the opportunity to stare into those unique and breathtaking eyes again I would memorize them now. More words of raw and bittersweet affection were exchanged, and I sealed them into the vault of my memory as well. It seemed fitting that our first and last time together were both outdoors - exposed to one another and the natural world.

As my climax built within me, I nudged him so that we could roll again. Back on top, I kissed his mouth hard and guided our movements until I came shaking above him.

"Oh god, love…so beautiful when you come," he moaned. "I can't…what do you-"

I knew he was ready to follow me into ecstasy, and I made the decision to do something else we'd never done before.

With a silent goodbye to the feel of him within me, I pulled myself off his body. He groaned at the separation and his desperate hands grasped at me. I wouldn't let him pull me back. As quickly as I severed our connection, I slid down and took him in my mouth. I immediately groaned at the pleasure it gave me to have him this way, and he jerked beneath me at the vibration. I could taste myself on him, and the feminine flavor mixed erotically with his unique taste.

"Uuuuhhhhh, baby…you don't have…oh fuck!" he moaned at me.

_I want this,_ my eyes reassured him as I looked up at him through my eyelashes and grinned around his throbbing erection.

I twirled my tongue around the head and dove back onto him. I took in all that I could, silently hoping that he understood the significance behind my actions. I needed to give this to him. We had already broken so many rules to be together. I had no reason left to be good if this was our last chance. I could never tell him why I had not ever allowed this, but I would give him everything right now.

His hands were in my hair, but he didn't press hard. He was as gentle as I could expect, and it didn't take long before I felt him tense in my mouth. Moments later he spilled himself onto my tongue and against my throat. I had never been more pleased to swallow a man down than I was with Edward. I gave him one final, satisfied swipe with my tongue, and he dragged me back up to him by my shoulders. I lay on top of him, our pants still cast aside. He hugged me tightly against his chest and kissed my hair. I reached for one of his hands and clasped it in mine between our hearts. His free hand pulled the edges of the sleeping back up around our lower bodies to partially shield us from the cold.

I closed my eyes and welcomed everything that assaulted my senses. My body was searing hot, but the air around us was cool and biting. Edward's bare skin was silky against mine, and his soft bits of body hair tickled me. Our heartbeats and erratic breathing blended into a sensual sonata. The rustle of nature added a calming harmony. Edward's familiar scent surrounded me, and was intensified by the perspiration of our deed. On my mouth I could still taste his essence – and mine – coupled with the taste of his kiss and salty skin. It was everything to me.

Bare ass in the breeze or not, I never wanted to move. All I wanted was to stay wrapped up in Edward forever. Every fiber of my being knew that this was most likely the last time I would ever see Edward. The last time I would ever be with him. Possibly the last time I would ever speak to him. This was goodbye.

In order for him to do right by his family and in order for me to give Jacob an appropriate chance, this had to be the end. That thought stung. It ripped my still-beating heart from my chest and then threw it in a wood chipper.

Why is it that the hardest thing and the right thing are the same?

I could feel the reluctance in Edward's arms and voice as he shifted beneath me and suggested that we continue on to our cars. We righted ourselves and walked hand in hand back down the trail. This time we didn't pause to kiss, and we looked at each other less. Neither of us spoke, but I was grateful for the silence. At one point, I thought I saw Edward swipe something from the corner of his eye, but I did not draw attention to his action.

Our slow pace finally brought us back to the place where we would have to part, and I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes.

"Baby, please don't cry," he pleaded as he dropped his pack next to his car and enveloped me in a warm embrace. "I can't stand to see you cry over me anymore."

"It's not your fault," I sobbed. "This was my choice."

"I know it was, but that's only because you're much stronger than me. I'd be too selfish to let you go." A self-deprecating chuckle echoed in the air and bounced his chest against my cheek.

I released a half-hearted laugh, but coupled with my crying jag it sounded more like a dying animal. Thankfully that was enough to lighten the mood, and we both genuinely laughed at my awful noise.

I looked up at him and he bent his head to me for a firm kiss. I twisted in his arms to create a better angle, and our kiss deepened. As our tongues danced in unison I pushed all other thoughts from my mind.

Too soon, our lips broke free and he rested his forehead against mine. It had grown dark since our time in the meadow and I couldn't see the color in his eyes. I squeezed his waist hard and he returned the meaningful hug.

"Be happy, love," he whispered a mere inch from my lips.

I kissed him lightly. "You too."

I had no other words, but I was glad. Anything else would have been too much.

He walked us toward my car and opened the door for me. We shared one final kiss before I let him go and climbed into the drivers seat. He shut the door for me and tapped the roof before walking back toward his vehicle.

Edward followed behind my car until we came to a turn off where we had to go opposite directions. When I was sure he was out of view I pulled over on a rural road and got out of my car. Body-shaking sobs overtook me and I bent over to heave beside my car. When I had calmed enough to drive again I sent Rosalie a text and headed for her house.

* * *

_So here we are  
We are alone  
There's weight on your mind  
I wanna know  
The truth, if this is how you feel  
Say it to me  
If this was ever real  
I want the truth from you  
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me_

_**Good Charlotte**_

_And you're on fire  
When he's near you  
You're on fire  
When he speaks  
You're on fire  
Burning at these mysteries  
Give me one more time around  
Give me one more chance to see…  
Give me everything you are  
Give me one more chance to be...near you_

_**Switchfoot**_

_Look at me, my depth perception must be off again  
You got much closer than I thought you did  
I'm in your reach  
You held me in your hands  
Would you find it in your heart  
To make this go away  
And let me rest in pieces_

_**Saliva**_


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.  
**

**Many thanks to keepingupwiththekids, who is a spectacular beta. Any misplaced commas or other flaws are mine, not hers.**

**There will be an EPOV in the NMTB Extras that falls between Chapters 18 and 19. Check it out because it will help you understand Edward's actions in the next chapter – Yes, Edward will be in Chapter 19…**

**Song: Musicbox Superhero by The Juliana Theory**

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The past few weeks have been some of the greatest fuckery I've experienced in my entire twenty-five years.

After breaking up with James, I just wanted to live. I wanted to spend time with my friends, enjoy the attention of the opposite sex, and have fun. In the beginning, it was so easy. I hung out with Jacob, and when the mood moved me, I enjoyed the company of other guys. Another relationship was the last thing on my mind.

Enter one Edward Cullen and things certainly took a turn. Our relationship of sorts was a dangerous roller coaster ride. We were both intelligent adults, yet neither of us could escape the force that kept drawing us back. Morally and socially, what we had was just plain wrong, but when we were _together_, it was right. How could we deny something like that?

It was complicated…though that is quite the loaded term.

I truly cared for both men and could not deny that I wanted both in my life. Jacob was kindness, support, smiles, and freedom. Edward, however, was quite different. He was danger, thrill, passion, and wanton desire. Where Jacob was my calm, Edward was most certainly the storm.

Like a selfish fool, I wanted both, even though neither belonged to me.

Add Garrett into the mix, and things got even more complicated. His place was much smaller, but it did call for more secrets. Had it not been for the affectionate friendship we shared, I'm not sure I could have handled juggling three men.

The sad truth was that it was bound to fall apart eventually. The chain of events that led there felt more like a soap opera than something that could happen in real life. In _my_ life.

_Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. _

The night Edward and I saw James in that bar, something shifted. The fire and fury enraptured both of us, but it also softened. It was followed quickly by Edward's sleepover at my apartment and all the subsequent bonding we did that night and morning. I always knew I liked Edward for more than the sex; I never expected to feel so disappointed that I couldn't have more with him.

In some terrible sputtering of word vomit, I had invited Jacob to meet my parents the next day. I had no idea where the invitation came from, especially because I did not intend to make things more serious with him. Of course my parents loved him, and I was an emo little bitch for the rest of the week.

Then came the weekend, and with it my night with Jacob, Rosalie, and Felix. Only a day after deciding to slow things down with all the guys in my life, Jake announces he wants me for more than casual sex. Being forced to feel so much in such a short span of time was torturous.

Yet the decision came to me quickly. If Jake wanted me to be his girlfriend, I would do it. It was my easy out from fucking around with Garrett, and my escape from an adulterous relationship with Edward. That all sounded very simple, but it was not.

Sunday Jacob asked me to make our relationship exclusive.

Monday I ended things with Garrett.

Tuesday I broke everything off with Edward in a teary, exhausting soulfuck.

Wednesday – today – I'm going to see Jacob.

Complicated and overwhelming don't even begin to describe it all.

. . . . . . . . . .

Rosalie had taken the liberty of texting Jacob from my phone late Tuesday night and making plans for us to meet up after work the next day. Of course, she didn't tell him it was her, but I supervised the entire time. I just wasn't in a good place emotionally to do so myself. That's what friends are for, right?

Jake was picking me up for dinner, so after work I rushed home and prepared for our date. Our first _real_ date. As I got ready, I thought about the remainder of my Tuesday night after I left Edward.

_I pulled up in front of the Hale's house and saw Rosalie sitting on the porch. As soon as I put the car in park she was running over to my door._

"_Come on, baby girl. Let's get you inside and you can tell me all about it." Her voice held a soothing, motherly tone. She wrapped her arm around my waist to guide me inside and used her other hand to smooth down my disheveled hair._

_I unceremoniously plopped down on her bed and buried my face in Harley's furry neck._

"_Talk to me, sweetie," my best friend said. I knew she wanted to help me, but I wasn't sure where to begin. I started somewhere in the middle, knowing I had to get it all out before I could recall the course of events in any sequential order._

"_He could tell something was wrong, but I didn't know how to tell him. Then he asked me if this was goodbye and I just lost it, Rose." I paused for a moment to avoid going to pieces for another time that day, and Rosalie sat silently holding my hand._

"_Then we just said so much stuff to each other. I can't even make enough sense of it all right now to tell you, but it was big. He said that he wished he had met me first instead of his wife, but that he couldn't lose his son. I completely understand that part, but hearing him say that other stuff was sweet torture. I just don't know if I'd be better off never knowing he felt that way."_

"_Oh honey!" Rose said sympathetically when I paused. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I leaned into her embrace. "What else did he say?"_

"_Well," I continued, "he was surprisingly okay with everything. I could tell he didn't like it, but he understood why. He asked me if Jacob was good to me and said he just wanted me to be happy. Dammit, it was _so hard_!"_

_Feeling my best friend rub my back and play with my hair really did help calm me down. It didn't make the situation with Edward any easier, but being held by someone who loved me unconditionally was very comforting._

"_Break ups are never easy, no matter what the circumstances," she said._

"_You can say that again," I mumbled with a sarcastic edge. I took a deep breath and continued. "So we talked about things for a while and then we just kissed and cuddled. I don't know which part was worse. All I could think about was how it was probably the last time I'd ever get to be like that with him."_

_Rosalie straightened us up and studied me carefully. "But this is for the best, right? You'll have Jacob now and you guys can be together without having to sneak around or get all angsty."_

"_I know that," I conceded. "But that doesn't make my feelings for Edward just go away," I said seriously._

"_You're right. I'm sorry, Bella. I know you care about Edward."_

_I laid my hand on her knee and gave it a couple pats. "It's okay. I understand why you feel the way you do."_

_I gave her a small smile and she returned it to me. We were back on the same page._

"_So was that it?" she implored. I could tell she was fishing for any saucy details I might be leaving out._

_I could feel heat rise in my cheeks and I knew she saw me blushing. Her perfectly manicured eyebrows lifted to silently ask me for details._

"_Well, he had me meet him at these hiking trails and we went to this meadow to talk. When we were walking back down the trail to our cars things were really intense. We started kissing and the next thing I knew we were tearing at each other's clothes. The thing was, neither of us anticipated anything happening so we weren't, umm…prepared." I mumbled the last part of that statement and looked down at the bed._

"_Bella!" Rosalie cried, slapping my shoulder. I looked back up at her with wide eyes. "You _didn't_!"_

_I rubbed my forehead with one hand and looked at her with a half cringe, half smirk. "I couldn't help it!" I defended. "It was so crazy and intense and fast. I just needed him one last time."_

"_Oh my gosh, Bella. Do you know-"_

"_Stop, Rose," I said firmly, holding my hands up in defense as I cut her off before the lecture began. "I just got tested a couple weeks ago, and it's not like I've ever done that before. _Ever_."_

"_Really?" she asked in disbelief._

_I nodded in affirmation. "You know I'm strict about my birth control, and anyway, I didn't let him…you know."_

"_I can't believe you never told me that before," she said quietly. I don't know why I never told her that little fact, but it wasn't as if I tried to hide it from her. "You made him pull out?" she deadpanned._

"_Not exactly." I could feel my cheeks flame again. "I…finished him off."_

"_Wow…you broke your two biggest rules."_

"_I know."_

"_But why?"_

"_Do I really need to make it any clearer, Rose? I have these intense feelings for him, and I guess everything just came to a head with ending it all. It was like this grand farewell or something. I didn't plan it. It all just happened so fast."_

"_I'm sorry I freaked," she said softly. "This is so different from what I went through with Felix. I can't imagine what it's doing to you on the inside."_

"_Thanks, babe. It's good to be able to talk about it with someone," I said._

_A mischievous grin replaced Rose's sullen expression. "So…how was it?"_

_I giggled and nudged her with my foot. "It was definitely different. Better in a way, and I'm not gonna lie – it felt amazing to go down on him after all this time."_

_With that, our conversation lightened and I was able to tell Rosalie more about my evening with Edward without getting too emotional. She helped me work through my feelings for Jacob as well, and volunteered to handle making plans with him._

_I don't see how I could have stayed sane through all of it without a nonjudgmental and understanding best friend like Rosalie._

A knock at the door alerted me of Jacob's arrival. It was time to un-complicate my life.

"Coming!" I called loudly as I stopped in front of the full-length mirror to check my appearance once last time.

I had stepped up my normally casual attire for our date, and I was excited to see Jacob's reaction. I wore a knee length denim skirt with an ivory cashmere cardigan. My hair was curled, but slightly finger combed through to add body. Only a shimmer of eye shadow and mascara covered my eyes. I felt good, and my self-appraisal gave me a boost of confidence for my evening. I pushed aside the clusterfuck of feelings and thoughts that didn't have to do with Jacob as I put my hand on the doorknob.

"Hey beautiful," he said shyly when I pulled the door open to greet him. He extended a small bouquet of purple and blue flowers to me.

"Aww, Jake!" I said as I took the flowers from him. I smelled them quickly before throwing my arms over his shoulders and hugging him. I felt his nervous tension disappear, and he lifted me off the floor in our embrace.

"I've missed you," he said happily. It was impossible to ignore the way he was beaming at my warm reception of his gift.

"Let me put these in water and then we can go," I said, heading for the kitchen. I heard his footsteps behind me as he spoke again.

"You really do look great, Bells."

"Thanks," I smiled up at him. I took his hand in mine and led us out of my apartment to his truck.

He took me to one of my favorite restaurants, and up until we were waiting for dinner, our conversation had been light and friendly. I had been avoiding an awkward conversation about _that day_, but I knew it needed to be discussed. I adjusted the clothe napkin in my lap, took a sip of water, and finally looked up at him again.

"Jake, about the other day…"

"It's fine, babe," he interrupted with a half smile.

"No, it's not," I insisted. "The way I reacted was awful, and I am truly sorry for that."

"You really don't have to apologize for anything. I take just as much responsibility for it all. I didn't exactly explain myself clearly, and looking back on it now I'm sure I sounded like a total douche." I laughed at his self-deprecating rant, but he continued. "Bella, I hope you know I would never do something like that to you."

"I know you wouldn't," I nodded. "It's just…well, you know my last relationship ended really badly, and I've kind of been on the defensive since then." I was surprised at how open I was being with him, but I wanted him to hear it. "All this time you have been so good to me. No matter what I needed or was willing to give, you were there. Thank you for that. And…I _do_ want this. I want to try, okay?"

Words cannot properly describe the huge smile that spread across his face. He looked excited, proud, and adoring all at once.

"You're sure?"

"Yes," I smiled back, but I knew it was only a half-truth. I was sure that pursuing a relationship with Jacob was the best choice, but I couldn't say I was actually _sure_ about us. I had no reason not to be if you looked at things in black and white, but the truth in my life was made up of various shades of gray. Regardless, I would try. Jacob was a great guy who genuinely cared about me. I already knew that we got along great, had fun together, liked each other's friends, and were sexually compatible. If all these major pieces fit into place already, the rest should be easy.

Our conversation returned to its casual ease, and we enjoyed a nice meal together. Afterward, we talked about going to Mickey's for a drink, but decided to take a walk instead. It was a dry evening; the overcast sky kept the air warmer than usual. When we returned to my apartment, Jacob surprised me by stopping at my front door.

"Come on," I said, tugging on his arm.

He shook his head and gave me a half smile. "Not tonight, Bella."

A feeling of rejection swept over me and caused my stomach to drop nervously. I quickly turned and tried to get inside while uttering a single, "oh."

"Stop that!" he insisted. I was caught off guard by his firm grasp on my wrist. When I looked back up at him, I was surprised to see his full smile. "Technically speaking, this was our first date, and I'm not the kind of guy who tries to sleep with his girlfriend on the first date."

I burst into a fit of giggles and pressed my face into his firm chest. I could hardly believe how elated I was about his sentiment or his use of the G word. His hands came to either side of my face and angled it up enough for him to kiss me. It was so tender that I could actually feel how _genuine_ it was. In a single kiss, he had shown me how serious he was about the new direction of our relationship. It was impossible to ignore how exciting that was, and I found myself unexpectedly eager to pursue this new relationship with Jacob.

"Okay, _boyfriend_," I emphasized. "Another time then. Good night."

As I stepped inside, I allowed a small pang of guilt to run through me. The sting of what I assumed was Jake's rejection just a few moments prior gave way to a sense of relief. I had only said goodbye to Edward a day ago. I wasn't ready to have Jacob back in my bed just yet.

. . . . . . . . . .

Much to my surprise and peace of mind, the next two months fell into an incredibly easy pattern where Jacob was concerned, but I understood that I was compartmentalizing my feelings.

I thought about Edward a lot at first. I knew that he wanted me to be with someone who could give me a real relationship, but that didn't make it any easier. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone because you want to, and in all actuality, what I felt for Edward hadn't gone away at all. It stayed with me, in the deep recesses of my mind as a dull, throbbing ache.

Fortunately, I found my way through it. Jacob was incredibly attentive and sweet, and I really enjoyed being with him. Despite my conflicting feelings for Edward, I did like what I had with Jake and I _wanted _it. Rosalie's enthusiasm kept me from doubting my decision. She loved that we were dating friends, and I liked it, too. Actually, all of the guys seemed to be very happy and supportive of us being boyfriend and girlfriend. I was even thrilled to use those words. It felt good to be someone's first priority.

We spent the majority of our time with Felix and Rosalie, but we also ended up with Garrett and Chelsea many nights. Garrett and I remained good friends, taming down the sexual innuendo to almost nothing. There was still the occasional wink or slightly-too-long hug, but we had a mutual understanding of where things stood in our friendship. The way we transitioned from 'fuck buddies' to 'just friends' was eerily comfortable.

Being with Rosalie and Felix so often gave me a new insight into their relationship. I began to notice little arguments or disagreements they would have. Rose always blew me off when I asked about it, so I didn't press the issue. She insisted that it was just little meaningless things, and wrote it off as them both having confrontational personalities. I worried despite her insistence, but she refused to discuss if further. She usually ended up distracting me with endless stories of their sexcapades instead. I knew Rosalie well enough accept her privacy when she desired it; growing up in a large family had never afforded her that luxury. If she needed to talk about it, she would come to me.

Things moved forward with Jacob in an easy, complacent pattern. I appreciated the way we kept a healthy balance and still spent some time apart during the week. We weren't so dependent upon each other that we felt the need to spend every waking moment together like some couples often did. I think Jacob recognized my need to maintain some of my independence, and he didn't give me a hard time about that. It didn't escape my notice that he was willing to bend in almost any way possible to make me happy. When I wanted him, he was at my beck and call. When I needed space, he gave it freely.

In truth, I felt as though he was more emotionally invested in our relationship than I was. I liked Jacob a lot, I really did. There wasn't much _not_ to like about him, but I could see that his feelings were growing stronger. I was fairly certain he was falling in love with me, but I never drew attention to it. In my world, ignorance is bliss. I was not ready to deal with the implications of that word in our relationship. Love makes people vulnerable and easily manipulated. It complicates things and it creates the potential for monumental hurt. I was not interested in any of those things for Jacob or myself.

It gave sex an interesting dynamic, at least on my end. It wasn't so much that the sex we were having really changed because it didn't. Our sex life was as good as it had always been. We still had hot, fun, exciting sex in many forms. In fact, being exclusive gave us the time and opportunity to try many new things. The problem was the times that Jacob would get a little too complimentary while in the throes of passion. I am a self-proclaimed attention whore; I love to be told how beautiful and wonderful I am, but sometimes it was a little too intense.

One of those nights came on a Saturday after we'd been out at the club with the group. We were both tipsy, but not too drunk. We headed to his house instead of going to Felix's when everyone left the club. All the dancing had us both worked up, and we were grateful to find his roommate was gone for the night.

I was thoroughly enjoying a little reverse cowgirl action when he urged me to turn around and face him. Upon doing so, he sat up so that I was perched in his lap, chest to chest. As we rocked together in that intimate and orgasm-inducing position, he began whispering and moaning more than usual.

"Damn babe you are so hot…so fucking beautiful."

_I like that._

"I love being inside of you. You feel…so…good…so perfect."

_Flattering…_

"I love you body."

_Why thank you._

"I love your skin."

_Nice._

"I love the way you smell…and the way you taste."

_You sure are using that word a lot, buddy._

"So…fucking…gorgeous! Beautiful…love…fucking you."

_Shut up, shut up, shut up. Please just stop talking!_

Thankfully I was saved by a fantastic orgasm, which cut off all his words with my own screams.

He released me a few minutes later after his body stiffened and calmed, and I made a quick escape to the bathroom. I decided that being in the club earlier was a good enough excuse to get in the shower, and I took my sweet time. By the time I finished and returned to the bedroom, he was asleep. I felt slightly ashamed of avoiding any potential after sex confessions, but I wasn't ready to hear that kind of thing.

In the month that followed, I tried to encourage doing things that were less conducive to romance. I convinced him to show me how all the stone cutting machinery worked at his business, and I put on sports anytime we watched television. Since spring was upon us and bike nights would be coming soon, I talked him into teaching me about all things motorcycle related. After a couple weeks, I managed to persuade him to start teaching me how to drive one myself. I had some issues with balancing a heavy bike on my own, but I was getting the hang of it. I didn't need to be an expert because I could never afford my own bike, but it was fun to learn. The sense of accomplishment was amazing.

I couldn't keep Jacob from getting lovey and romantic all the time, but I was trying. I hated living in fear of three little words, yet I couldn't shake the disorienting anxiety they gave me. If my relationship with Jacob were to continue, that would be the natural progression of things. I liked him. I liked him a lot. I just couldn't see myself in love with him. It was completely irrational because what we had was the closest thing to perfect I could imagine…but something was missing.

The last thing I could allow myself to do was explore that too much. Call it self-preservation, call it deflecting. On paper he was perfect: sweet, kind, financially secure, mature, and a fantastic lay. Yet deep down, my heart and my mind both understood that while Jacob was good for me, he wasn't 'the one.'

I questioned myself constantly, trying every possible angle to talk myself into loving this man. Unfortunately, there's no way to force that kind of thing. Instead, I lived each day trying to enjoy the happiness he brought into my life…and waiting for the proverbial ball to drop.

So much had changed in three months, yet I was still the most selfish person I knew.

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_You'd like to think I have it easy  
At times I think your right but then  
I take a look around and see the grass is always greener  
On the other side_

_**The Juliana Theory**_

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**Endnotes: The **_**tangled web **_**quote belongs to Sir Walter Scott.**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Many thanks to my beta keepingupwiththekids. Huge thanks to all the ladies of The Gazebo who shared personal stories about panic & anxiety attacks with me.  
**

**If you did not read the EPOV that falls between Chapters 18 and 19, go to my profile and click **_**NMTB Extras**_**. It is Chapter 12. You do not need to read the other EPOVs to understand it, but reading it before this chapter will help you understand Edward's frame of mind here.**

**Songs: by Anberlin & I Caught Myself by Paramore**

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I was ecstatic to get out of work earlier than I expected. It was only Tuesday, but it was one of those days that made you wish it were Friday already. I had a new child in my class, and let's just say he didn't have the best home life. If parents think that kids don't know when they fight, they are dead wrong. All children under the age of five repeat _everything_. I spent my entire day trying to distract the rest of my students from hearing every four-letter word in the book that BJ, the new boy, was spouting off incessantly. Awesome day.

Once in my car, I grabbed my phone and dialed Jacob's work number. He still had another hour before he closed the shop, but I wanted to let him know I was done for the day.

"Blackstone, this is Jacob speaking," he said in a very professional manner. It made me melt just a little.

"Hey sweet thing," I sang into the phone.

"Oh, hey Bells! What's up? I thought you were working until five."

"I was supposed to, but I got out early," I said with exaggerated enthusiasm. I couldn't help it. It just felt so good to be _done_ with the day from hell!

He chuckled at me, and I could hear paper rustling in the background. "It sounds like you've had a great day."

"Ugh, not at all, actually, but I'm done now, so I'm happy. Can we ride today? I could use a little stress relief to help me forget about this day." I used my cutest whiny voice to convince him.

"Well, I actually have a little surprise for you if you'd like to meet me at my place later. Does six-thirty work for you? I have to go pick it up after I leave here." A hint of excitement in his tone made me anxious to find out what he had planned.

"Sounds great! I can't wait to find out what my surprise is!"

"I can't wait to show you. I'll see you then, all right?"

"Okay, bye babe!"

I hung up the phone and set it in the passenger seat as I contemplated what kind of surprise he could have for me. To be honest, surprises make me a little bit nervous. I think it has something to do with my control issues. If I don't know what's coming, I can't prepare myself for an appropriate reaction. The necklace Jacob bought me for Christmas was definitely a surprise, and I always felt as though my reaction was less excited than he would have liked. It's not that I didn't love it, I just hadn't guessed he would buy me something like that. Considering that he spent so much money on me before we were even dating, I had no clue what kind of surprise awaited me later this evening. I put it out of my head and decided not to over think things when I had no clue anyway.

When I got home, I changed out of my work clothes and put on an old pair of jeans with a black cotton shirt. Jacob didn't rule out the possibility of practicing my riding tonight, so I wanted to dress accordingly just in case. If he planned for us to go out somewhere, he would have told me so that I could dress appropriately.

I grabbed my phone and lay down on my bed to call Rosalie and catch up with her. She had to work last night, so we hadn't really talked much since Sunday. I was grateful that I caught her when she wasn't busy, and we talked for almost an hour before I realized how much time had passed.

"Hey Rose, I hate to cut this short, but I need to get going. I'm supposed to be over at Jacob's house in a little while," I told her.

"Oh! Well have _fun_," she said with a suspicious tone. "I'm sure you'll have a great night!"

I wondered about that for a moment, but quickly disregarded any unspoken implication. I wanted to grab some dinner to take over to Jake's house since he said he had to go pick something up before he got home. He probably wouldn't have time to eat or get anything for himself. Deciding on subs from the pizza place near his house, I called in the order. After freshening up my make-up and pulling my hair into a ponytail, I headed out to get the food and take it over to Jake's house.

By the time I got there, Jacob was already home, so I retrieved my take out bag and headed inside with it. He was very happy that I had brought dinner, and we sat down at the kitchen table to eat and talk about our day. I told him about the lovely vocabulary of my new student, and he described a new piece of machinery his company is considering purchasing. When we had finished and cleaned up, he took me by the hand and led me out to the detached garage.

"I thought you had a surprise for me. What are we doing in the garage?" I asked with honest curiosity.

"Your surprise is _in_ the garage," he smirked.

Now I was really excited…and nervous. What kind of surprise could he have for me out there?

He instructed me to close my eyes when we got to the door, and when he allowed me to open them, I was stunned to see an old, very beat up bike. It was smaller than Jake's and it didn't look as if it was in working condition, but it was a motorcycle all the same.

"What's this?" I asked curiously.

"It's your surprise!" he said enthusiastically. He took in my perplexed expression and pulled me closer to the bike. "Well, Felix bought a used bike to fix up for Rose. I figured that if she's going to be riding on her own this summer when we do bike nights, you might like to have one as well. What do you think?"

"Oh my gosh, Jake! I love it, but you can't do this! It's way too expensive."

"Bella," he laughed darkly. "Are we looking at the same thing here? I didn't pay a cent for this heap. It needs a lot of work, but all we have to pay for are parts. I actually have most of them already. This way I can teach you some stuff as we fix it up, and in the meantime, I'll keep teaching you to ride on mine. What do you say?"

"I say it's amazing! I still don't like the idea of you spending money on me, even if it is just parts, but really I'm _so frigging excited!_" I turned and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him to me for a hard, appreciative kiss.

I was so caught up in my excitement that I decided to show him just how much I appreciated what he was doing for me. My hands moved to his belt buckled and once I had his pants pushed out of the way, I sat him in a nearby chair and gave him what I can only assume was the greatest thank you of his life.

"You are…mmm…how did I get so lucky?" he mused with a lazy smile as he pulled me to sit in his lap.

I shrugged and tried to act nonchalant. "Just saying thank you. This is so incredibly sweet of you."

"Anything to see you smile, babe."

"Thank you," I repeated softly. I put my right hand on his cheek and leaned into him for a long kiss.

When our lips parted, he leaned away from me and became very serious.

"Bella," he said. He was looking into my eyes with a piercing gaze, and the intensity of his night-dark eyes made my breath hitch. "I would do anything to make you happy. I love you, Bella."

Suddenly, everything got fuzzy and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I gasped when I felt Jacob's strong hands grip my shoulders and hold me steady. I must have swayed a bit in my near fainting, and before I could register what was happening, he had spun me around and sat me in the chair while he kneeled in front of me. His hands went to either side of my face, one lightly patting my cheek. I felt my head lull to the side slightly, and his grip on my cheeks strengthened to hold me in place.

"Bella! Are you okay? Shit! Don't pass out, please!"

I began to come back to my senses and regain some control of my body, but that was exactly when the panic hit me. Jacob said that he loved me. This was awful! I should have been happy. I should have been ecstatic, thrilled and flattered. I should have been able to say it back.

I _couldn't_ say it back. I didn't feel that way about him, and I didn't want him to feel that way about me. This was the thing I had feared for over a month.

I had no idea how to proceed, and all I could think about was getting away. I couldn't deal with Jacob. I couldn't deal with his _I love you_ or look him in the eyes and have him see that I didn't share those feelings.

Keeping my eyes averted, I moved to stand, but he kept a firm grasp on my arms.

"Are you feeling all right? Let me get you inside so you can lie down."

"I don't want to lie down," I said. I tried to walk away, but my knees were still weak and I almost tumbled to the floor. I would have if he hadn't caught me.

Much to my dismay, he scooped me up and carried me out of the garage like a firefighter come to the rescue. He nudged the door to the house open and took me to his bedroom to deposit me on his bed. I didn't want to be there, but he wasn't giving me much of a choice. After retrieving a glass of water and placing it on the nightstand, he sat next to me and stroked my hair off my forehead.

"Are you okay? Can I get you anything? Maybe a cool washcloth? Or something sweet – maybe it's your blood sugar."

There was no way I could tell him the real reason for my freak out, and I'm sure he was a little too in denial to notice it himself. Honestly, who would admit to themselves that confessing their love would make the other person faint? It made me feel like an absolutely awful person. I wouldn't look at him and I surely couldn't talk to him. All I wanted to do was get away.

Like some sort of miracle, he gave me the perfect opportunity to pull a huge bitch move.

"I'm going to go back out and close up the garage. Stay here and relax for a few minutes. I'll be right back."

I nodded, but did not open my eyes. When I heard the back door close, I jumped from the bed, grabbed my purse off the kitchen counter and bolted for my car. I didn't say goodbye or look in the rearview mirror to see if Jacob saw me go. I couldn't stand to see the pain in his eyes if he did; I already felt guilty enough.

The first thing I did was turn off my cell phone. If he hadn't realized it yet, Jake would soon see that I had taken off unannounced. He wouldn't know why, and I'm certain he would call. There was no way I could talk to him or see him right now. I needed time to process everything, and I wasn't sure if I could even be with him anymore. It's incredibly shitty, but it was just so wrong to lead him on that way. I was almost certain I would have to break up with him now, but I needed time to think.

I couldn't go home. Once he tried to call and found my phone to be off, he would probably drive to my apartment and try to find me. On top of that, I was in desperate need of a drink.

I drove aimlessly. I have no idea how long I was driving or where I was going, but I took a road out of town and kept going. At a stop light, my fingers traced to my neck, unclasping the necklace with the butterfly pendant and dropping it into my purse. I was unspeakably grateful to my body for not sending me into a ridiculous crying fit. I didn't feel like crying, but I sure felt like vomiting. Or getting drunk. Or both. Both could happen tonight. Eventually, I found myself passing a humorously familiar bar, and made a U-turn to go back to it. _Tiki Wiki_, the bar where I met Edward. Not to mention it was Tuesday – karaoke night. Already in a dreadfully black mood, I pulled in and cut the engine of my car.

My faded old garage clothes were not something I would normally wear out in public, especially not to a bar, but I couldn't find it in myself to care at the moment. I grabbed my wallet and proceeded inside where I unceremoniously plopped myself down on a barstool. The bartender came up to me almost immediately, and I ordered a shot and a beer without looking up at him. It was rude, but I would make up for my behavior with a good tip.

There I sat for who knows how long drinking beers and taking shots by myself while equally intoxicated bar patrons sang off-key versions of popular songs. I couldn't help but reminisce about meeting Edward in this very bar and I was certain I was piss ass drunk when I heard a smooth, velvety voice behind me.

"Won't the beautiful lady be performing tonight?"

"Great, now I'm hearing things," I mumbled to myself.

"Excuse me?" the voice replied. It was just as sexy and charming as I remembered.

_My memory must be in peak form tonight. I'm obviously not drunk enough._

_Oh fuck me! Memories don't respond to you!_

"Fuck," I mumbled even lower this time before picking up my head and turning around. Honestly, I was scared that either I was crazy and hallucinating, or that my entire world was about to crumble because Edward was in the same place that I was.

I don't know what I expected, but when I turned around, I was greeted by the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen on the face of the angel I had missed so much.

"Fuck," I said again, and I threw my arms around his shoulders, burying my face in the crook of his neck when he bent down to accept my embrace. His tight, lean arms wrapped around my waist and held me flush against his torso. "Where did you come from?"

His musical laughter filled my ears and drowned out the sound of the amateur performers across the room from us. "I was wondering the same thing about you, love."

_Stab my heart, he didn't just say that._

_He did._

_Wait…WTF? He _did!

Of course, as I always seemed to, I burst into tears on Edward's shoulder. I didn't cry when I freaked out about Jacob, but here I was crying about seeing Edward for the first time in three months.

_I blame the alcohol._

_No, I blame the fact that I care more about Edward than I ever did for Jacob. I'm an asshole._

"Bella, what on earth are you crying about?" he asked me in a disturbingly calm voice. "Hey, can I get a water over here?" he shouted to the bartender.

He carefully extracted me from his body and held my upper arms as he looked down on me. I sniffled and reached a hand up to wipe away my tears.

"Of course you look perfect and I look like complete shit," I grumbled. That earned me a hearty chuckle from him.

"Are you drunk, love?" Yes, I did hear him use that term again.

It was all so surreal. This had been one of the craziest days of my life, and it just kept getting more out of control. I remembered Edward's question and nodded sheepishly.

"I think so, maybe."

"Maybe? Say the alphabet backwards."

"Ummm…Z, Y, X, V, W, no! W, V, U, T, R, shit! S, R. Fuck this! I can't say the alphabet backwards when I'm sober," I grumbled at him, giving the best stink eye I could manage.

Once again, he laughed at me.

"Stop laughing at me, Edward."

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling a fist up in front of his mouth.

"You're not."

"No, I'm not. You're quite endearing when you're drunk."

"Endearing, right. That's me!" I spat sarcastically. "My day just keeps getting fucking better and better."

All humor vanished from his expression and turned to one of genuine concern. His perfect eyebrows furrowed, and I pressed both of my thumbs between them to smooth out the offensive lines. I was a little surprised at how casually our interactions fell back into place, but I was too drunk to care.

"Exactly what are you doing there, my dear?" he asked with both confusion and amusement lacing his words.

"I'm trying to make the sad go away."

"I'm far from sad right now, Bella. I am, however, a little concerned about you. Who did you come here with tonight? I think it's about time you got home."

I snorted at his assumption. "I didn't come with anyone."

"Fuck, how did you think you were going to get home?" he asked. I winced at the frustrated look he was giving me.

I merely shrugged and averted my eyes from his glare. I hadn't actually thought that far.

"_Please_ tell me what is going on with you. I know I haven't seen you in months, but this isn't like you. Give me something here," he begged.

"Fine," I huffed. "I had a…disagreement with my b…with…Jacob." I couldn't look him in the eyes, so I studied his shoes instead. They were black leather.

A hand reached to my chin and redirected my eyes to him. "Now I'm assuming Jacob is your boyfriend because you never told me his name before." I nodded and he continued. "What happened? Did you get in a fight?"

"Not exactly," I hedged. "But I'm not sure if he's still my boyfriend anymore. Or if I want him to be. I don't know what I want!" I knew I was drunk because that was more than I would have confessed to Edward had I been sober. I reined my thoughts in and didn't say anything else.

"All right, you're not giving me much to go by here, but I guess I'll just have to accept that. I don't know what happened to you tonight, but if he hurt you in any way, please tell me so that I can help you."

"No, he didn't hurt me," I said quickly. I remembered all those months ago when Edward and I saw James in the bar. He had wanted to go after James and defend me. I didn't want him getting any ideas about Jacob because I was the one who did something wrong, not Jake.

He sighed loudly and shook his head. Reaching around me, he took the glass of water off the bar and held it up to my mouth. "Drink," he instructed.

Taking the straw between my lips, I silently sucked the cold water onto my tongue. I looked squarely into Edward's eyes for the first time and found myself suddenly lost in the ocean of green-blue. He watched me just as intently, and I swear I saw him lick his lips.

"May I drive you home, Bella?" he asked softly. "There is no way I'm going to let you drive in this condition."

"I can't leave my car here," I protested. "I have to work tomorrow."

"Fine then, I'll drive your car and take a taxi back here to get mine later."

"No! That's so expensive, you can't do that!"

"What would you propose instead?"

"I don't know," I shrugged.

He half laughed and half sighed as he set the water glass back on the bar. "Come on. It's not a big deal, and I can't leave here without knowing you've gotten home safely."

To my surprise, he wrapped an arm around my waist and guided me toward the exit. He held his hand out for my keys and deposited me in my own passenger seat before walking around the car to drive. We stayed quiet for the majority of the ride to my apartment, which actually felt pretty stupid considering that we hadn't seen each other in so long, but I wasn't sure what to say. The biggest detail that I found out was that Edward had been at his weekly poker night and he went to the bar on a whim afterward because he wasn't in the mood to go home yet. He saw me almost as soon as he walked into the bar.

I was trying so hard to be casual with him and not get freaked out merely by being in his presence, but it was impossible. The way we left things all those months ago was meant to be closure, but it wasn't. Everything I ever felt for Edward resurfaced the moment I heard his voice, and from the way he kept looking at me, I was sure it was the same for him. No matter what happened with Jacob, the thought of going back to the way things used to be with Edward was thrilling, tempting and frightening all at once. In the past three months, I had learned that I _could_ live without him in my life, but it didn't mean I liked it. I truly had fun with Jacob and I liked us as an exclusive couple – up until this evening that is – but the things I felt for Jacob and Edward were one hundred percent different. Comparing my feelings for those two men was not apples to oranges; it was more like comparing a cup of coffee to a tractor.

The last thing I wanted to do – especially now – was fall back into my relationship with Edward. At the same time, it was exactly what I wanted. I noticed the palpable chemistry that flowed between us once again. I was lost in his eyes every time he looked at me, and yes, I felt the insatiable need to touch and taste every inch of his body. It was an involuntary reaction, regardless of the time that passed or the circumstances of our lives. I still wanted Edward. Possibly more than ever, but I pushed those feelings aside as best as I could and tried to keep a clear head. It was easier said than done with the fucked up day I had and the alcohol coursing through my veins.

"Come in for a little while?" I asked when he pulled up in front of my place. I knew I was tempting fate, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him all over again just yet.

"If you'd like," he conceded with a nod. He came around to the passenger side and helped me out of the car. In a gesture that felt oddly familiar despite all the time that had passed, he took my hand and led me to the door. It was so comforting to have him there with me, and I willed myself to sober up so that I wouldn't miss out on anything while he was actually in my apartment.

Once inside, I went directly to my bedroom and flopped down face first on my bed. I felt Edward sit beside me. He pulled on my hair elastic, freeing my hair from its ponytail. Lightly, his fingers danced through the long strands and brought me more comfort than I would have had without him.

A few minutes later, he propped himself up on a small stack of pillows and held his arms out for me to join him. I willingly curled up into his chest. He still smelled the same, and I greedily drank him in as he rubbed little circles on my back and hummed to me. It would end all too soon, so I soaked up the comfort and peace he brought to me while I could.

Finally, I began to speak to him. I didn't give him details about what happened with Jacob. I simply told him that I was sure Jacob and I wanted different things and that I didn't think the relationship was going to work. He was sympathetic and understanding and never once pried or asked for more than I was willing to give. Our conversation turned to inconsequential things about the past three months until we both fell silent in the dim light of my bedroom.

After a long stretch of silence, five little words changed everything.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered into my hair.

A single whimper escaped my lips involuntarily as I twisted my head to look up at him. "I missed you, too," I said honestly. He stroked my cheek gently, and without thinking, I sat myself up so that I was straddling his body and leaning over him.

"Bella…" he whispered. I could hear both concern and desire in his voice.

I leaned closer to him. "Shhh," I breathed. I threw all other thoughts from my mind and descended upon the man beneath me. I leaned into him until our foreheads were pressed together. Our noses grazed one another, and our lips lingered a mere inch apart. His breath fanned across my face in jagged exhales and my mouth watered to taste his.

Edward's chin tilted slightly until our lips just barely brushed against one another. Both of us had ours parted, allowing us to breath each other in and out. "Please," he said in an almost inaudible whisper before his tongue lightly bumped against my lower lip. My entire body trembled as I leaned in a fraction of an inch more and darted my tongue out to touch his minimally. When he felt it, he closed the gap between our mouths and pulled me into a proper kiss. We simultaneously moaned, and I released all my control, allowing my entire body to collapse against his.

_This_, I thought.

He pulled my shirt off immediately without objection and made quick work of my bra as well. I yanked on his shirt, and he leaned up just enough to pull it up his back and over his head. I was flipped onto my back as he attacked my collarbone and chest, quickly working his way to my eager nipples. His path was a blur of constant movement; he didn't pause in any one area for more than a few seconds. He moved down to my stomach, holding his hands on my bare sides and soaking my skin with his hot tongue. When he reached the waist of my jeans, he looked up to me for approval and I nodded.

Nothing mattered outside of being there with Edward. It may be fleeting, but I would take whatever I could get. All the pain and yearning I felt after saying goodbye to him three months ago manifested in a volatile balloon that suddenly burst above us. Something was unleashed, and this passion could not be tamed until we gave way to our need for one another.

My jeans and panties were off in seconds, and Edward pushed my legs apart forcefully to place a single kiss on my clit. I cried out loudly and he froze, looking up at me with fear in his eyes. I nodded to communicate that it was okay to proceed, but he continued to look into my eyes as if he were searching for something.

"I want you so fucking bad. Is this…is this all right?" he asked urgently.

"Yes…please," I whimpered.

"Bella, why-" he began to ask curiously, but I cut off his question.

I shook my head furiously. "Doesn't matter. Please…_please_ Edward." I couldn't talk about Jacob or the rules. He was so close, hovering above me and teasing. I wanted nothing more than for him to take me with his mouth.

He wasted no time as he ran his tongue from my opening up to my aching clit. He stayed there for a few moments flicking his tongue and making stiff circles against the bundle of nerves. I writhed beneath him, struggling to keep my legs apart and my hands from shoving him against me harder. I arched up to his mouth as he worked his way up and down my sensitive core, causing my arousal to increase and spill out into his mouth. He greedily drank me in, moaning against me and eliciting louder moans from my own mouth. Wound so tight I thought I would die without a release, I grabbed at his hand and pushed it between my legs. He took my prompt quickly, sliding two fingers inside me and pumping as his mouth gave unrelenting attention to my clit. Seconds later, I burst with a fierce climax, but his ministrations did not relent until my body was mostly still.

"Get up here," I commanded, and he slid up my body and kissed me hard. "I need you…I need you…I need you," I chanted to him. I wasn't sure if it was a physical or emotional need requiring him, but he seemed to understand regardless. He kicked off his pants, and I reached into my bedside table for a condom. I accidentally bumped a framed photo of Jacob and me off the table and heard glass shatter, but I ignored the symbolism in it all.

"Are you sure?" he asked me seriously as his erection pressed into my thigh.

"Do you want me?" I questioned back. I needed to hear him say it and know that he wanted this as much as I did.

"Oh god yes, baby. I want you so bad."

"Then do it. Take me…all of me."

"Fuck…I'm not gonna last long."

"Don't care…need you," I repeated my earlier sentiments.

"Yes," he hissed as he slid easily inside me. I thought I heard a faint "mine" escape his lips as well, which set my heart to a racing speed.

He moved slowly at first, but as our pawing at each other became more frenzied and desperate, his pace increased along with the volume of our passionate cries. He hooked his elbow under one of my legs as I threw the other around his waist and clenched him tightly to me. This created a delicious angle and we both reacted to the change in sensation. His movements grew stiffer and harder, and I knew he was close. Through it all, he kept his eyes trained on mine and I knew he was watching exactly how I felt through my expression. His grip on my leg tightened to the point that it was almost painful, but I let him do it because it also felt so fucking good. He leaned down, pressing against my body until our foreheads were touching. It was our "thing," and the familiar sentiment threw me over the edge. I cried his name, clutching desperately to his body and never wanting to let go. With a final hard thrust deep inside me, he froze in place and pulsed. A deep moan bubbled out from his chest and grew into a loud cry of pure ecstasy.

"Ahhh! Oh my god…fuck baby." His eyes, which had been sealed shut in his release opened wide and he looked right into mine. "I…Bella…I love you."

There was no hesitation or strain in his final words. They were solid, they were firm and I knew in my heart that they were true. I wanted to celebrate his confession, but instead I was completely gripped by fear.

I let my legs fall away from him, and my hands smacked onto the mattress beside my body. I became a dead fish beneath him, and panic filled his eyes when he saw my reaction.

"Oh shit…oh hell. Bella please look at me. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it's true, love. Fuck me, I do. I'm sorry if I freaked you out. Please say something."

It had been years since I had a panic attack, but I hadn't forgotten what they felt like. I sometimes had them in college when I took finals. This all-encompassing sensation was unmistakable. I was definitely having a panic attack.

I squeezed my eyes shut until I saw stars and shook my head furiously against the pillow. I was burning hot and freezing cold, rigid as death and gelatinous on the inside. It registered in the deepest recesses of my mind that Edward had removed himself from my body, but I didn't actually feel it happen. He was still talking, but I couldn't make out the words.

My heart was pounding _so fucking hard_ and so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest. I felt like I was high, but not in the good way. My brain was swimming and confused, but I was hyper aware of the sound of my heart pounding and the blood sloshing through my veins.

I felt strings of words pour from my lips, but they were involuntary and confusing even to me.

"No, no, no, no, no, no…Fucking _Twilight Zone_ day. Take it back. No, just fucking no…written on my forehead…Stop…Don't mean it. No, no, no, no…this can't be happening…"

I kept my eyes sealed shut until I felt my body being propped up and firm hands rubbing my shoulders.

"Bella!" a smooth but anxious voice called out to me. "Oh thank God! Are you all right?" he asked, looking directly into my eyes.

I had to blink a few times to readjust to the light, and then it all registered: _Edward._ I was still gasping for air, but seeing his face began to calm me. I focused on the concern in the depths of his eyes as he stroked my face and looked over my body as if inspecting it for damage. I concentrated on his eyes.

_Green, green eyes. Things that are green. Apples, grass, trees, Jolly Ranches, my favorite pajama pants, kiwis, lettuce, tree tops, Packers uniforms, my first car, ferns, the house next door to my parents' place, Edward's eyes, Edward's eyes, Edward's beautiful green eyes._

I managed to calm myself down considerably well that way. Slowly, my heart rate returned to an easier pace, but I still felt shaky and sick. He rocked me and whispered things I couldn't focus on while I concentrated on my breathing so that I could come back to him.

"Talk to me, baby. Please say something," be begged. Even in my current state, I just wanted to take away all the sadness I saw on his face. He looked lost and desperate and I could not allow that to go on any longer.

"I'm…all right, I think," I finally whispered. The words felt foreign on my tongue, as if I hadn't spoken aloud in years.

"Dammit you scared me! Where did you go?"

I cringed, but didn't offer him a direct response. "I'm sorry."

"Fuck!" he growled, moving his hands from my face and into my hair. "This is my fault, isn't it?"

He looked tortured and I hated knowing it was because of my moment of insanity. How could I possibly tell him the truth after he said that to me?

"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I shouldn't have let it come out that way and maybe I should never have verbalized it at all, but I won't be sorry for how I feel, Bella."

I pleaded with my eyes for him to stop, but he went on anyway.

"I love you," he said softly and moved closer to place a delicate kiss on my lips. As overwhelming as it all was, I couldn't deny how his words made my heart swell with unhindered joy. I pushed back against his lips and held my position, still and silent. A small whimper echoed from my throat when we separated.

"You're crying," he observed.

I raised my fingers to acknowledge the tears running down from my eyes. I chuckled uncomfortably at the realization. He had seen me cry before, but I was embarrassed at the way my feelings were completely out of control right now.

"I understand if you can't say it back, Bella. Hell, I understand why you reacted that way. We haven't seen each other in fucking months and the first thing I do is maul you and tell you what's been building up in me forever. Goddamn, I had no right to just come back into your life like this and take advantage of you when you're obviously upset and have been drinking. Fucking selfish asshole prick-"

I couldn't take anymore of his self-berating, so I silenced him by placing two fingers over his lips. He calmed down considerably and kissed my fingertips before taking my wrist to join our hands between us.

"I'm fine, okay? It's just been a really overwhelming day," I told him. "Can we just _be_ for a little while? Can you stay for a bit or do you have to go?"

"I have some time," he said. He pulled back the covers from my bed and laid down with his arms open to me. I slid down beside him so that we were face to face with our arms and legs tangled together intimately.

"You could never take advantage of me," I whispered, and he nodded in response. "I feel it, too," I added, but I couldn't say the words.

There were a million things I _wanted _to say, but I wouldn't allow it. Nothing I could say would simplify things or make them easier. On the contrary, if I told Edward all the things I was thinking and feeling it would only make our situation more complicated and painful for both of us. If I opened those floodgates, I risked inevitable word vomit, and I would quite possibly end up on my knees begging him to fuck his life and be with me. I couldn't do that, though. It wasn't my place. It wasn't right. Then again, neither was what we had just done.

I had never allowed myself to think in terms of love with Edward, but if I was being honest with myself that would be an appropriate summation of my feelings. Even with months and extenuating circumstances between us, I was certain that my feelings for Edward were stronger than my feelings for Jacob could ever be. Granted they were two very different men and two very different relationships, but that was the truth.

But what now would I do with this newly acknowledged information? I pushed those thoughts aside for the time being and focused on the short amount of time I had left with my beautiful, tattooed lover.

We didn't say anything deep or serious. Mostly we just laid together listening to our breathing and exchanging affectionate touches on our bare skin. It was not intentionally sexual, though it could have become that way if we'd allowed. We had already given ourselves over to our primal desires once, and I could not regret it. This was our time to fulfill the inescapable emotional need for one another.

Edward told me he loved me. What we shared was no longer some unnamed force or connection. It was true, it was deep, and in its own way it was pure. It was a love that probably should never have existed, but it did…and it was ours. No matter what I had with Jake or he had with his wife, this love belonged to us alone. As we lay there together, I looked at him through new eyes. Each smile and caress held a deeper meaning, and I didn't want to miss anything. Even though I couldn't bring myself to actually say it back, I had given him what I could. I tried to communicate that to him in my own touch, and I believed he accepted what I was giving.

I knew that very soon – too soon – we would have to say goodbye again. That solitary thought made me anxious, depressed, and nauseous all at once. I didn't think I could go back to Jacob, but I was unfortunately sure that Edward would go back to his family. He had to; it was the right thing to do. It was his obligation and his duty. As I had told myself long ago, it wasn't my place to ask him for any more than what we had. If he ever decided to be with me, it had to be his decision.

I also knew that despite our brief reunion tonight, I couldn't keep going on this way. Saying goodbye and walking away indefinitely _again_ was a devastating thought. I wasn't sure how much more of this yo-yo relationship my heart could take before it broke for good.

It was too much to think about, and I didn't want to think at all. My sole desire was to forget the world and reality and get lost in Edward while I still could.

"Kiss me," he demanded firmly, so I did. I closed the minute space between us and pressed my mouth against his full lips. His tongue traced my upper lip first, then my lower one, and I opened up for him. I sucked his tongue into my mouth playfully because I wanted this last kiss to be happy and fun. He laughed against me and rolled our bodies so that I was below him. Tiny nips and licks tickled my neck and cheeks, and he pushed knotted strands of my hair off my face for better access.

"Dammit," he finally growled and pulled away. "I want you so fucking bad, baby." I couldn't hide my smirk in response to his comment. "I don't mean like that…well yes I do, but that wasn't…ugh! I want you to be able to love you. _Really_ love you."

"But you can't," I finished. "I understand why, okay? Don't say anything else. It will just make it harder."

He let out a resigned sigh and brushed his thumb across my cheekbone. "I know. I'm so sorry." He looked at me hesitantly as if he were contemplating something. "I don't think I can stay away, but I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"You have to." I reached up and brushed a loose clump of hair out of his eye.

"No," he scowled.

"_Yes_," I said firmly.

"I love you."

I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded in reply.

"I should call a taxi."

"Already?" I asked sadly.

"It's late," he replied.

"I could drive you."

"No, love. Not only would that be counterproductive, but it's late. You had a lot to drink tonight, and it's been an emotional night for you. You should sleep."

He was right, so I had no choice but to give in. "Fine. Hold me until the taxi comes?"

"Of course, but let's get dressed first."

I sat up in the bed as he got down to retrieve his clothes. He slipped on his boxers before tossing my boy short panties and his tee shirt at me. I eyed the clothes skeptically.

"Well, put them on," he said.

I quirked an eyebrow at him, and he laughed. He bent down to retrieve a white tee shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head. I hadn't noticed before that he had been wearing two shirts. I quickly pulled on the one he'd given me and wiggled into my undies.

I made a quick trip to my bathroom while he dialed the taxi company, and when I returned, he was sitting on the recliner in my room. I deposited myself into his lap and curled up against his chest. His warm arms enveloped me and rubbed soothing circles all over my back.

Too soon, his phone rang and we stood together so that I could see him out. He hugged me hard at the door and gave me one last searing kiss before walking out of my apartment and quite possibly my life. Miraculously, I managed not to cry.

. . . . . . . . . .

I had just brushed my teeth and settled into my bed when I heard a loud knock at my door. It was too late for anyone to be stopping over, so I assumed Edward must have forgotten something inside when he left.

I skipped to my door, excited about the prospect of one more kiss. I swung it open quickly, and felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. It wasn't Edward on my porch, it was Jacob.

"Jake, what are you do-"

"Who is he?" Jacob growled through gritted teeth.

* * *

_Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you  
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through  
Dismantle me down (repair)  
You dismantle me  
You dismantle me  
Give me time to prove  
Prove I want the rest of your (prelude)  
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you  
It's not that I hang on every word  
I hang myself on what you repeat  
It's not that I keep hanging on  
I'm never letting go_

_**Anberlin

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**_


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Special thanks to my beta keepingupwiththekids. All I'm going to say about this chapter is **_**trust me, bb's! **_**Bella is processing things in her own screwed up way (as always), but the story is not over yet =)**

**Songs: My Sundown by Jimmy Eat World**

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**

_**In the last chapter of NMTB: **_

_I had just brushed my teeth and settled into my bed when I heard a loud knock at my door. It was too late for anyone to be stopping over, so I assumed Edward must have forgotten something inside when he left._

_I skipped to my door, excited about the prospect of one more kiss. I swung it open quickly, and felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. It wasn't Edward on my porch, it was Jacob._

"_Jake, what are you do-"_

"_Who is he?" Jacob growled through gritted teeth._

. . . . . . . . . .

"Oh god, Jake, I'm sorry," I stammered.

I watched as his eyes raked over my body. Not in the sexual way he usually did, but with an angry, disapproving scowl.

"You fucked him," he said flatly. It did not escape my notice that his fists were clenched at his sides or that the vein in his neck looked like it was about to explode.

I couldn't respond, and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. That was all the answer he needed.

A loud thump snapped my attention back to him, and I saw that he had punched the doorframe. He withdrew his fist and rubbed it with his other hand. A brief wince passed over his face, but was quickly overtaken by a look of fury.

"How long have you been cheating on me?" he asked.

I shook my head back and forth quickly as I spoke. "I haven't been. I swear, Jake!"

"Wow, that's even better," he snarled. "I tell you that I love you, and you run off and screw some random stranger!"

"No! It wasn't like that!" I protested. How could I have done this to him?

"What does that even mean?" he shouted, throwing his hands up in frustration.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him inside my apartment. "Quiet! I have neighbors."

Once inside, I noticed he was still rubbing his fist, so I went to the kitchen to make him an ice pack. I handed it to him, but couldn't hold his eyes. He was clearly hurting and I was the one responsible for that.

"What are you even doing here?" I asked after an awkward silence.

"Tell me who that guy was first."

"He's someone I knew before we started dating," I sighed. "I swear that I didn't go out looking for anyone when I…left your house. I went to a bar and I was too drunk to drive, so he drove my car back for me. Don't give me that look! He was just being a friend and it just sort of happened."

He huffed at me and rolled his eyes. I know I deserved any negative reaction he would have, but that didn't make it any more pleasant. "Yeah, I bet his dick just fell in…just sort of happened…fuck," he muttered quietly.

I went on despite his bitter ranting. "I know it sounds cliché, but I promise you it wasn't planned. There's a lot of history there I don't want to get into, but things are just…complicated. Jake, I never should have done that to you, but I have to be honest with you about something."

"What?" he mumbled in a low voice.

"Whether that had happened or not, I knew it was the end…for us," I whispered the last two words. "I'm sorry. I never, ever intended to hurt you, but I can't give you what you need."

"You're exactly what I need!" he interrupted. "You are what I want, or at least what I did want. Now I don't even know. What did I do wrong?" he asked, looking tired and defeated.

I took a step toward him. "_You_ didn't do anything wrong. You are amazing and you have been better to me than I ever deserved. I just…I don't feel the way you do."

"But you could," he said soft and earnestly. "I love you."

"No, I couldn't," I shamefully admitted. "I like you _a lot_, Jacob, but we weren't heading in the same direction. You deserve to be with someone who can give you what you want. Don't lower yourself to begging a girl who just…did what I did."

"I don't understand, Bella."

"Neither do I. Please believe me when I tell you I would have loved to be the right one for you, but I'm not. I know that you could make me so happy – you already have – but you should be with someone who can make _you_ happy in return…someone who can love you back."

Looking completely heartbroken, he collapsed into one of the chairs at my kitchen table and I followed suit in another. I pulled my feet up to the seat and glanced at his sullen face.

"Why did you come?" I asked quietly.

"When I realized you were gone earlier, I tried to call you, but your phone was off." He eyed me skeptically as if to say he knew I turned it off when I left his house…which was true. "So I came here first to see if you came home and then I drove to Rosalie's. She wasn't there, so I went to Felix's house. Rosalie showed up while I was still talking to him and she said she couldn't get a hold of you. She called some of your other friends and your parents to see if they'd heard from you, but no one knew where you were.

"After that, I just started driving around and checking at the bars we usually go to. I finally gave up and went back to my house. Part of me hoped that you would have gone back there after you had some time to cool off, but I knew it was wishful thinking. I eventually decided to check here again since it was late. I was so relieved to see your car here, but imagine my surprise when I saw another guy walking out of _my_ girlfriend's apartment! Then I see how you're dressed and…"

I was ashamed of myself. Not for sleeping with Edward, but for my rash behavior that caused Jacob to have such a stressful night. He had opened himself up to me, and I panicked. Not only that, I left his house with no explanation, and all my friends were worried about me.

Everything was a royal mess and it was all my fault.

"Jake, I cannot tell you how sorry I truly am. I know that you have no reason to forgive me, but I needed to say it. I really wanted us to work, and I'm sorry we couldn't."

"I need to go home," he said without responding to me. His eyes were red and I noticed uncharacteristic dark circles beneath them.

I stood and walked Jacob to the door. He stared down at me for a full minute, but I stayed silent. I was completely shocked when he pulled me into a hard hug and abruptly released me. Without a word, he left my home and stepped into the black night.

The weight of my day collapsed upon me, and I fell into my bed in a fit of hot, heavy, endless tears. Sleep quickly claimed me, and when my alarm went off for work, I knew I couldn't go. I called in from my house phone and told my director that I was ill. I fell back asleep easily and didn't wake up until it was almost noon.

After peeling myself out of bed, I went to the kitchen and chugged two glasses of water. I took a long, scalding hot shower and then put on Edward's tee shirt again. I dug through my dresser until I found the boxer shorts he had given me so many months ago, and I put those on as well.

Curling up on my couch, I turned my cell phone on for the first time since leaving Jacob's house last night. I groaned when I saw the insane number of phone calls, voicemails and texts that were awaiting me. I called my parents first and told them I was fine and copped out by sending Rosalie a text message saying I would call her later. I didn't mention that I was skipping work.

Alone in my apartment, I really started to process things.

I had hurt Jacob far more than I ever intended. I knew that breaking up with him would be a very difficult thing to do, but having him see Edward here made it all so much worse. I hated the fact that he thought I'd been cheating on him, as much as I hated the truth that I slept with someone else hours after he confessed his love to me. He looked so destroyed when he left last night, and I was at fault. All he did was love me, and I ripped his heart to shreds. With everything he did for me after James, he deserved better. He deserved something I couldn't give.

Selfishly, I also worried what this would do to our group. Garrett would still be my friend, but it would be impossible for us to all hang out anymore. It would be awkward in and of itself, but if Jake told them about Edward, I wasn't sure I would be welcome in that circle any longer. My best friend dating one of Jake's best friends only made things worse.

I had no idea what to do. The whole situation was heartbreaking even if it was my decision.

Then, of course, there was Edward. I had resigned myself to the idea that we could not talk anymore regardless of my status with Jacob. How could I possibly stay away? Would he? Could he?

Being with Jacob for the past three months really was great, but it also served as a buffer for ending things with Edward. It was my opportunity to do right by both men. It was my portal back into regular dating. It was my motivation to stay strong and not fall back into Edward. All that time I still thought about him and cared for him; it was something I couldn't change.

Last night was a torturous coincidence at karaoke night. Edward was there for me when I needed someone to lean on outside of my usual circle of friends. I didn't mean for anything to happen between us, but it was too easy to be comfortable with him and fall back into our old ways. Add in three months of sexual tension and true feelings surfacing and we were both hopeless.

I had no idea how to stay away from Edward, especially now. I told him we couldn't go back and that we shouldn't talk. I could only hope that he would be stronger than me and not call. I _wanted_ him to call, but I _needed_ him to stay away. I wasn't sure I had the willpower to do the right thing anymore, not after everything he said. My stomach rolled with anxiety and sadness at those thoughts.

The more I pored over everything, the worse it became. I was dangerously close to having another panic attack. I wasn't quite sure what had triggered their return, but I didn't like it. Perhaps it was stress at work or the near constant fear I had been having for the last month about Jacob and his feelings.

Yesterday had been a difficult day. I felt myself getting really worked up about my new student at school. If I were not able to leave when I did, I might have broken down then. I very nearly had an attack after Jacob's confession, which is part of the reason I had to leave. I really did have one with Edward, and another one was possibly coming.

The more I thought about Edward, Jacob and likely attacks, the more upset I became. The more upset I became, the more I over thought things in an attempt to not over think things. I was stuck in a whirlpool of emotion and the downward spiral was inescapable.

I felt tears well up in my eyes and my breathing became erratic. My ears pounded and I felt as if I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

My world was spinning out of control. I had nothing to hold on to anymore. In less than twenty-four hours, my life had become an enormous mess. I was lost and could not be found. For the first time ever, I didn't feel like I could talk to my best friend about this, so I sought out my very first best friend instead. I picked up my phone and dialed.

"Bella! Where have you been?" he bellowed.

"Emmett," I sobbed, but there were no tears. They had dried as quickly as they came and were replaced with a painful tightening in my chest.

"Hey! What's going on? Are you okay?" he asked quickly. I could almost imagine my cousin stiffening in his chair and the look of concern that would be on his face.

I sniffed as the words came out strangled and weak. "I…don't…know…what I'm…doing anymore."

"It's all right, Bella. I'm here. You've gotta talk to me if you want me to help," he said with a strong authoritative air.

"Can you just…talk about something…for a minute?" I pleaded.

"Okay. Well, things are going great at the club…"

I listened as intently as I could manage, and eventually the throbbing sensation in my ears faded away. I was calmer than I had been, but my body still trembled like I was cold. I also had an awful headache.

"I think I'm okay now," I told him.

"All right then, spill it, Swan."

So I did. I started at the beginning – when I dumped James and how Jacob and I got involved. Emmett already knew a lot about Jake, but I had never given him as many specifics or details as I was now. I told him about the night I met Edward, the connection I felt to him, and how our relationship had progressed from there.

Emmett knew I had been involved with people other than Jacob, but I always ghosted over the Edward situation. To say he was disappointed in me for getting involved with a married man was an understatement, and for the first time, I felt true shame for all of it.

He didn't receive all the salacious details about the guys that Rosalie always heard, but the story I told him was definitely the uncut, unabridged version.

I told him about juggling different guys, the differences in my feeling for them, and the conflict over being "the other woman." I detailed the day Jacob asked me to be exclusive and the subsequent goodbye with Edward. Despite his disapproval of the circumstances, he was very understanding about the emotional turmoil it created.

Then I gave him my account of the last twenty-four hours. All the conversations and emotions were fresh in my mind, so it was easy to relay what I was feeling properly. Emmett listened patiently as I went over every moment, even though I was doing some self-analysis in the process.

When I felt that my long story was finally complete, I waited quietly for his response. It came without hesitation.

"I booked a flight while you were talking. I'll be in Seattle tomorrow."

"Emmett! You do not have to come up here just because I'm upset. Talking to you has already calmed me down so much," I protested. I would love to see him, but it felt so unnecessary to waste money on a flight for me.

He laughed at my response, but I didn't understand why until he spoke again.

"I'm not coming for a visit, Belly Button. I'm coming to get you. You're moving to L.A."

"W-w-what?" I stuttered in absolute disbelief. "That's ridiculous! I can't just move to Los Angeles!"

"And just why not?" he challenged. There was no humor in his tone this time.

"Well fuck, because I don't have a job, a place to live, or enough money saved to cover a move like that. And I can't just _leave_. I have work and my friends and…it's just _crazy_!"

"I beg to differ. Crazy is staying in a town you hate and working at a job that has no future. Crazy is your dead end lifestyle and your completely fucked up love life. I know it's harsh, but it's time to grow the fuck up and do something with your life. You're twenty-five years old!"

"How am I supposed to start over when I have no money to do so?" I yelled. I wasn't mad at him for being so blatantly honest with me; I was mad because everything he said was true.

"Bella," he said softly now. "Would I drag your ass down here and just leave you hanging? I've got a job for you – a good job – but we can talk about that when I get there. And since I'll be your employer, I will cover your moving expenses. It's a very common practice. As far as a place to live goes, you can stay with me until we get things established for you. It's really not a big deal."

"Emmett," I started, but I could see there was no argument for his case. I could try flat out refusal, but I didn't see it working at all. Emmett, like myself, was very stubborn…and persuasive.

Los Angeles…could I just pick up and move to California on a whim? The more I thought about it, the more I could understand my cousin's reasoning. I really couldn't think of any reason to stay in Washington aside from Rosalie and my parents. I would miss them, but leaving the state didn't have to mean losing them forever. They loved me and in time, they would understand why I had to go. It wouldn't be easy, but I would have Emmett…and Uncle Carlisle, I suppose. Maybe a clean break, a fresh start, and a little sunshine _were_ exactly what I needed.

"I take it you've finally realized how brilliant I am?" Emmett quipped in response to my silence.

I drew in a deep breath and released it loudly into the phone. "Let's do it!"

"Bella's moving to L.A.!" he shouted, and I had to hold my cell away from my ear. I laughed out loud at his excitement and the mental picture of him doing a fist pump. "I can't wait to tell Jasper we're getting a new roommate. Woo hoo!"

"All right, Em, I'm going to start packing, I guess. When will you be in tomorrow?"

"I'll get in midmorning. I'm going to stop and see Mom, and then I'll come down to take you and your parents to dinner," he replied quickly. "And don't you dare tell them before that! I want to see their faces when you make the big announcement! Oh, and go quit your job!"

I laughed again at the way he practically sang his final thoughts.

"Okay, I'll do that. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you!"

I continued to giggle as I hung up the phone and fell backwards onto my bed.

"I'm moving to L.A.!" I called out to my empty apartment.

. . . . . . . . . .

Making arrangements to move was possibly more of a pain than actually moving. My landlord agreed to let me break my lease for a reasonable penalty fee. It was better than paying for several more months of rent, so I took it. I also had utilities to cancel, mail to forward and on Thursday, I would give my notice at work. In between all the phone calls to take care of those things, I arranged dinner with my parents Thursday evening and made plans with Rosalie for tonight. I phoned the bar and told my boss I was moving. I would finish off with my shifts this week, though. He agreed not to say anything to Rose if he spoke to her since I had not told her about the move yet. I had a short amount of time to start sorting my things to be packed, and then it was time to meet my best friend for dinner.

She greeted me with a hug and a smile, but the tension was thick between us. She was understandably upset that I hadn't spoken to her since before I went to Jacob's house yesterday. I was hesitant to rehash all the details for the second time that day, but it had to be done.

"I don't understand, Bella," she said when I got to the part about my dash from Jacob's house. "Jake is really good to you. And good for you. Why would you do that?"

"Don't you think I know that?" I defended. "He was a great boyfriend, but our feelings are on completely different levels. You can't force that kind of thing! Hearing him say that just freaked me out and I knew I couldn't say it back."

"That was still totally shitty of you, not to mention how worried you had all of us!" she said harshly. "Wait, _was_ your boyfriend? You broke up with him?"

"Umm…yes?" I answered hesitantly.

"Shit, Bella. All right, spill it."

"I will, just promise you'll listen and not freak out on me. I know that you really like me and Jacob together, but don't be biased. Things got really complicated when I left his house last night…"

I told Rosalie how I drove around aimlessly and eventually stopped at the luau bar. She laughed at the irony, but was not amused when I told her Edward showed up and found me there. She actually accused me of calling him, but eventually accepted that it was purely coincidental.

"Fine, but you slept with him, didn't you?" she spat. I finally snapped.

"Rosalie Lillian Hale! You are my best friend and right now I need you to be a little more understanding! You're not going to like much of what I have to say, but you asked for the details and I'm giving them to you. _Please_ just hear me out because you know how confusing the Edward situation has been for me, and you know that I _did_ try with Jacob. I know that this affects you, too, but right now we're dealing with my feelings, not yours."

When I stopped, there were tears in her eyes and I immediately apologized for coming across so harshly.

"No, you're right. I'm being totally selfish and judgmental. I just want you to be happy, and I really thought Jake could be that guy for you. I hate seeing you hurt, Bella. I don't want that for you anymore."

I passed her an extra napkin to dry her tears. She insisted I continue my story.

Edward at the bar, back at my apartment, the accidental on purpose sex, the I love you, the emotional fuckery, the woeful goodbye and finally, the Jacob confrontation.

She listened. She didn't berate me for what happened. She was my best friend and she supported me like a good BFF should. It was exactly what I needed.

"So what happens now?" she asked, giving my hand she'd been holding a squeeze.

_Shit_. I knew this moment would come, but I had no clue how to tell her. I was certain that she would take it hard. The best thing to do was jump right in with the truth.

"Well, that's the thing…I called Emmett earlier and told him about everything. Okay, not _everything_. He definitely did not receive all the sexy time details like you, but I started from the beginning of Jacob and Edward. And he was…Emmett. He listened and helped me make sense of everything."

"I'm really glad he helped you," she smiled.

"Umm, yeah, about that…" I started nervously. "We talked for a really long time about everything and…I've decided that I'm going to L.A."

Rosalie scowled. "So what, you're taking your vacation early? That's no fair! You were supposed to go with me this summer," she whined.

"Not a vacation," I mumbled, looking down at my iced tea glass.

"What?"

"I said it's not a vacation," I answered a little louder. "I'm moving there."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" she said loud enough to draw the attention of pretty much everyone in the restaurant. I turned toward the hostess station and saw the manager scowling at us.

Tears were welling up in my eyes. "Rose, please."

"When?" she asked curtly.

"Emmett's flying up tomorrow to help me pack and hire a moving company."

"So you're going soon?"

"As soon as possible."

Her fist hit the table, rattling our plates and glasses. "I can't believe you're doing this to me!"

"Come with me, Rose," I offered suddenly. "It can be just like we always wanted. We'll go together and start fresh. I'm sure Emmett would at least give you a bartending job. We could finally get out of here."

"Unlike you, I'm not crazy. I can't just pick up and move to California on a whim. My family is here and so is Felix," she huffed.

I could tell by the firm set of her jaw that I wasn't getting anywhere with her. I could read Rosalie like a book, and for whatever reason, she wouldn't budge.

"Think about it?"

"I'll come visit, I guess," she said with a resigned sigh.

"Let's go home."

She was as upset as I expected her to be. I sincerely wished I could convince her to take this leap with me, but she refused over and over with a variety of reasons. I prefer to call them excuses. Most likely she was afraid of change and the separation from her family. I was not so unfamiliar with fear of the unknown.

I was certain that Felix weighed heavily on her sense of obligation as well. That was the saddest part to me because I was almost certain that a break up was imminent in the near future. Things had been getting progressively worse with them, but there was little I could do or say about it. Neither of them had the same happy, loving demeanor that they used to, which broke my heart considering what they went through to be together. I loved Rosalie and I really liked Felix a lot, but I had never been convinced they would last forever. His confrontational nature was a little too well matched for hers. Rosalie needed someone to balance her strong personality, not a man who she was constantly battling for domination in the relationship. But I kept most of my opinions to myself because they were still together. I shared with Rose when things concerned me, but I wasn't about to give her an editorial on her relationship. Those were details for her to sort through and figure out for herself. She was a smart girl who could hold her own. I had no doubt she would make the right decision in the long run. If those two could work it out, I gave them my blessing. I still wanted her to come to L.A. with me, though.

Rosalie was nice enough to come back to my apartment and spend the night. She helped me work on my sorting and packing, and we decided what clothes, furniture and household items of mine she would take. I really had no interest in taking excessive amounts of things with me to California, only to have them end up in storage indefinitely.

Our conversations lightened as we worked, but I could tell she was very upset and sad that I was leaving her. I hated to leave my best friend behind, but this was what I needed to do – for my sanity and my future. I held out hope that maybe someday she would change her mind and join me in L.A.

* * *

_I see it around me  
I see it in everything  
I could be so much  
More than this  
I said my goodbyes  
This is my sundown  
I'm gonna be so much  
More than this  
With one hand high  
You'll show them your progress  
You'll take your time  
But no one cares  
No one cares_

_**Jimmy Eat World**_

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**E/N: Playlist added to my LiveJournal account. Links in profile.**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Immeasurable thanks to my betas keepingupwiththekids, ****Vi0lentSerenity & isoldephi who are ftw awesome. Many TYs to Kassiah, Love=EDWARD, & dihenydd for lovingly pimping me around the fandom.**

**Songs: Santa Monica – Theory of a Deadman & A Few Small Bruises – Maria Mena**

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Thursday passed quickly, all things considered. My director at the day care allowed me to resign without two weeks notice, but I still had to work a half day on Friday. It all went over much better than I could have expected. She supported my opportunity in L.A. and assured me that they would miss me at the school. It was nice to know I could leave on a good note and keep all the friends I had made while working there.

Emmett met me in the evening and we joined my parents for the dinner we had planned. They were definitely surprised by my news, but were very supportive. They were ecstatic that Emmett was giving me a job that would make use of my degree. I knew it was easier for them to accept my big move knowing that Em would be there with me.

I had to work at the bar with Rosalie that night, so after dinner we rushed back to my apartment and changed our clothes before heading out again.

Emmett had no trouble keeping himself entertained and making friends while we worked, but hovered around Rose's side of the bar much more than mine. The smile she wore for him was more than her patented "big tip" seduction. As for Emmett, I can't say his flirtations surprised me in the least. In fact, it was quite amusing to watch from the sidelines, as they were the two biggest flirts I had ever known. She was definitely an eager participant in whatever little game they were playing, so I didn't ask questions, opting to simply enjoy the show from my station.

On Friday afternoon, Emmett and I worked on packing and organizing everything I would be taking with me. When I went in for my last night of bartending, he spent a little more time with his mom.

Saturday morning came too soon. Emmett, Rosalie and I finished all the last minute details while we waited for my parents and the movers to arrive before we left for the airport. Mom and dad were going to sell my car for me, and once everything was settled in California, I would buy something new. Absolutely everything in my life was changing, so I focused on small tasks and taking things one step at a time. If I allowed myself to get caught up in the whirlwind of it all, I would probably have another breakdown. Keeping myself busy helped.

Rose and I were inside labeling the last few boxes while Emmett packed our luggage in the rental car. When we finished, I pulled out my phone to call my parents and find out how soon they would arrive. Rose stared nervously at me, shifting around in an uncharacteristic manner for such a confident person. I tucked my phone back in my pocket and asked her what was wrong.

"I have to tell you something."

I stared at her expectantly. "Well? What's up? I want to make sure I have everything I need in the rental before we leave."

I watched my best friend bite her unglossed lip and tug on her ponytail. She looked nervous, and I could not for the life of me figure out why. We were both sad about saying goodbye, but I didn't understand this apprehension.

"Bella, don't be mad at me, but IsortoftoldJacobtocomeover."

"What?" I exclaimed. "Rose, _why?_"

She cringed, but straightened up to stand her ground. "You need to say goodbye to him. Even though you already broke up, he was your friend for a long time. He deserves a proper goodbye."

"Rosalie," I groaned. "I'm not saying you're wrong, but this is going to be so awkward!"

Her hand rose to my shoulder and gave it a pat. "I know, but it's too late now. I saw his truck coming up the street. Felix and Garrett are supposed to be with him, so it won't be terrible."

"Fine," I grumbled as I went back outside.

As we walked out the door, I saw Emmett shaking hands and greeting Jacob, Felix and Garrett. Jacob saw us and gave me a tentative smile, but his eyes were sad. Rosalie skipped over to hug Felix while I turned back into the apartment and motioned Jacob to follow.

"Umm, hey Bell- whoa. You're moving?" he said. The surprise in his voice was obvious.

"Yeah," I hedged. I had no idea what else to say at the moment.

"Did you and Rose finally decide to get a place together?"

"No, Jake," I said, looking down. "I'm going to Los Angeles. With Emmett. That's why he's here."

"Oh," he said softly. I peeked up at him through my eyelashes and saw him look away. "That's…great. Good for you," he said half-heartedly.

Without thinking, I flung my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek into his chest. "I'm sorry," I whispered. _Sorry for hurting you…sorry for not being able to love you._

I could feel his arms lift and hesitate behind me. After a few moments, his hands splayed out across my back, and he rested his chin on the top of my head. It wasn't an intimate gesture, just…accepting.

"Good luck, Bells. We'll miss you," he said as he released me. I noticed he didn't say _I_, but I understood. The wounds I had inflicted on him were still fresh.

"Me too. Take care, okay?" I said. My stomach rolled with anxiety driven nausea.

He nodded once, and we went back outside to our friends.

The movers had arrived while we were inside, and Emmett was giving them some instructions while the others talked nearby. I made my way over to them to say the rest of my goodbyes.

Felix gave me a hug, and I made him promise to take care of Rosalie. I wasn't sure how things would turn out for them, but I could only wish them the best. I knew she would need him more than ever with me leaving.

Garrett pulled me into a tight embrace and whispered dirty things in my ear until I started giggling.

"There's my favorite smile," he said quietly so only I could hear.

"I'm going to miss you," I told him.

He smiled back at me reassuringly. "You too, babe. We'll keep in touch. Don't break too many surfer boy hearts down there, all right?"

My parents arrived minutes later to say goodbye and collect my car, and after another series of hugs and a few tears, Emmett and I left for the airport.

………………….

"Yes mom, we just boarded the plane, so I should go…I will call you when we land…Okay, love you too, and dad…Bye mom." I knew she was mourning the loss of her "baby" to this move, but I was entirely too exhausted to deal with my weepy mother at the moment.

I snapped my phone shut, glancing over at Emmett, who was laughing.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said with a smile, shaking his head.

I was ready to make a smartass comment when my phone rang again. Sighing, I answered without looking at the caller ID.

"Mom! I told you I'd call when we land!"

"Bella?"

The voice on the other end was not my mom.

Emmett gave me a questioning look, most likely because I was practically chewing my lower lip to a pulp. It was too soon. I wasn't ready to deal with this.

"Hey Edward. This isn't really a good time." In truth, I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice, but doing so was pure torture; a reminder of something else I couldn't have and shouldn't want.

"Did you say 'when we land?'" he asked. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Umm, yeah. I'm going to L.A." I replied hesitantly.

"Oh, well, when do you get back?" His anxious words came too fast for me to interrupt or get a word in edgewise. "I need to see you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and I want to talk. I want to be with you, Bella. I thought I could walk away after the other night, but I can't. So much has happened in the last few months that I want to tell you about, so when can I see you?"

I could already feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks as I listened. Emmett was elbowing me, trying to figure out what was being said on the other end of my phone. I took in a single shaky breath, hoping my words would sound clear and not choked out when I spoke. He was saying the things my heart had always wanted to hear from him, even if my head had convinced me otherwise. Worse yet, he sounded so hopeful and excited. Why now of all times?

"Edward, I'm…I'm not going on vacation," I said in a hoarse whisper, still fighting back my impending tears. "I'm moving."

For a moment, I thought the line had gone dead, but then I heard Edward's heavy breaths.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was solemn, causing a sharp pang of guilt to wash over me.

"It was a last minute decision. I didn't know when I saw you."

"When did you decide then? That was only four days ago!"

"Wednesday," I whispered.

"Wednesday? As in the day after we…" he trailed off quietly. "Is this because of me? Shit, Bella. I thought…oh god. Please tell me this is a joke."

"Edward, this isn't a good time," I managed to get out. "The flight attendant is coming this way to have me turn off my phone."

"We need to talk about this. I need to talk to you. Fuck, why are you leaving?"

"I have to go now," I said, not truly wanting to say goodbye.

"God, please call me soon. _Please_."

"Bye," I whispered, not waiting for a reply before I ended the call. I handed the phone to Emmett, who turned it off and stowed it for me. His arms carefully wrapped around my shoulders, and I fell against his chest sobbing.

"Shh, sweetie, it's okay. Everything is going to be all right," he said soothingly as his hand ran up and down my back in a comforting gesture. "Why don't you get some sleep and we'll talk about it later, all right?"

I nodded in agreement, snuggling against him a little more. I felt the plane lift off the runway a few minutes later, and then I was gone.

Waking up about a half hour before our scheduled landing time, I cringed at the stiffness in my neck from my awkward position.

"Hey Princess Aurora," Emmett said jovially when I opened my eyes and stretched. He handed me his Coke, which I gratefully accepted. The stale air of the cabin had left me quite parched.

"How do you know that Sleeping Beauty is Princess Aurora?" I asked with a hint of laughter in my voice.

He shrugged and smiled widely. His dimples were fully exposed with that expression. "Do you forget how many times you made me watch that movie with you?"

"You've got me there, but I think you made up for it with _G.I. Joe, Transformers,_ and _He-Man_."

We chuckled quietly at our memories, and my smile did not dissipate until I remembered the phone call before my nap. Seeing my fallen face, Emmett took my hand and patted it.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Need to talk about it anyway?"

"Yeah," I nodded, thankful that he knew me so well.

"What did he say?"

"He was shocked that I left. Upset about it."

Emmett didn't say anything, but I knew he wanted me to continue.

Steeling myself to say the words aloud, I sucked in a lungful of air. "He said he needed to talk to me about stuff…about these last few months. That he wants to be with me." Squeezing my eyes shut, I shook my head and fought back another stupid crying fit. Fuck, I had been crying way too much lately.

"Hey now, baby B. It's all going to be okay. I'm not saying he did or didn't really mean that, but do you _really_ want to be with someone with that much baggage? You're coming with me to simplify your life. To make it better. I think it's best to leave this in your past, no matter how difficult it may be."

"I know, you're right. It's just…why does he keep saying all those things? It's killing me. If he wasn't married, things could have gone so much differently for us. It's hard to hear him say stuff like that."

"You can't change what he's said, nor can you control him," he said with understanding. "But you _can_ control where you go from here. The decision has already been made. We're almost home. Your new life starts today, Belly."

"You're right," I sighed. "I have to try and put him out of my mind and focus on the future."

"Exactly. A new home, a new life, and a new perspective. You're going to love it here."

We continued talking for a while, and it truly helped me keep my mind on the reason I decided to leave Washington. I wasn't running away, I was starting over. In truth, I didn't want to be in the Seattle area any longer. The last twenty-five years of my life had been spent there, and it was time for something different. I needed to experience things I never had before and meet new people. Maybe I wouldn't stay here forever, but this could be a steppingstone. Working for Emmett could get my foot in the door for a variety of career paths. I was already familiar with the area considering all my summers spent with Emmett and Carlisle, so I knew I wouldn't hate it. It helped that I would have a few friends already. Jasper and I had not spoken since Carlisle's wedding last summer, but I knew things would not be awkward between us. We had parted on a good note, and the prospect of his friendship was comforting.

By evening, we were in L.A. and rolling our luggage into Emmett's condo. Before I knew it, my attitude was much better. Thank God for my cousin. I dropped my bags in my new bedroom and then went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. On the granite countertop was a bottle of 1800 tequila and a note with my name on it.

_Bella,_

_Welcome back! Emmett and I are so glad you're here to stay. I'm looking forward to drinking this with you. ~Jasper_

"What's that?" Emmett asked when he came in a few minutes later.

I held the bottle up with a smile. "From Jasper."

"Ahh, his favorite. He'll try to make a convert out of you," he chuckled.

"I don't discriminate when it comes to top shelf liquor, especially when it's free!" I joked.

We stayed in the kitchen chatting for a few more minutes. After discussing dinner plans, I went back to my room to unpack the small amount of clothes in my suitcase and take a shower.

We went out to a Mongolian grill a couple hours later, and over dinner Emmett told me about my new job at the club.

"The position is V.I.P. Liason and Special Events Coordinator. Basically, it means that when we have high profile guests in the club, you make sure they're happy, taken care of, and not being harassed. The second part is overseeing and coordinating events when people rent the club out for private parties," he explained.

I stared at him, completely dumbfounded. "What you're telling me is that I'll be there to preen over all the socialites, celebrities, and athletes who come to the club?"

"Yes indeed, Belly Button. You'll be great at it." The biggest, dumbest smile stretched across his face.

"You've got to be shitting me," I said flatly. "Am I really going from preschool teacher to Hollywood hostess?"

"I shit you not, little cuz. You want to use that P.R. degree? Keep the beautiful people happy, and my club will remain a hot spot."

This was definitely not what I expected when Emmett told me he had a job for me. I thought he would want me to do advertising or something of that nature. Obviously, I knew there was a lot of celebrity clientele at Rendezvous, I just didn't think I would be the one responsible for keeping them happy. The whole prospect was a bit daunting. People go crazy about celebrity gossip magazines and websites. Now I would be hanging out with famous people on a daily basis. Just…_wow_! I couldn't wait to tell Rosalie about this!

I could not believe Emmett would trust me with such an important position at the club. I had done internships in college, but that was really the extent of my experience in the public relations field. He was essentially placing the reputation of the club on my shoulders. The atmosphere, service, and music make a huge impact on keeping customers satisfied, but if the big names weren't happy when they came to the club, it was unlikely they would come back. That meant a bad name could be created amongst Hollywood insiders, thus dooming the entire establishment. Yes, there would always be the non-V.I.P. clientele, but most of them tended to flock to wherever the celebs went, forever attempting to get their foot in the door or make a name for themselves on the social scene.

Lord have mercy, could I handle that much responsibility? Zero experience plus the highest of expectations was an intimidating combination. No, those people were not royalty by any means, but many of them thought of themselves that way. In this game, you had to cater to your demographic or fail.

"Just do one thing for me," I requested seriously.

"What's that, hun?" Emmett asked.

"Please stop calling me Belly Button in public. I can't think of anything less professional."

A roar of laughter consumed our booth, with Emmett's signature dimples making an appearance. I swear I saw a waitress look over at his outburst and swoon. Emmett did not lack charm, and I was certain that living with him was going to be quite the adventure, even with all my baggage.

We went to Rendezvous after dinner, and Emmett quickly began introducing me to all of his employees. Almost everyone was friendly and welcoming, and it didn't escape my notice when a couple of the bouncers looked me over as if I was their next conquest. Oddly, I felt no desire to flirt or play that game with them. The thrill I normally experienced from that kind of attention simply wasn't there. Regardless, I still heard Emmett tell them I was off limits. My natural inclination was to analyze my cousin's actions, as well as those of the two attractive security specialists, but all of my recent drama had left me too exhausted to deal with men right now. It was a strange feeling. I made a mental note to revisit those thoughts later.

While on that subject, my mind drifted to Jasper. Even though I wasn't feeling so keen on dealing with men right now and I had already convinced myself that things would be amicable and friendly with him, it would still be an interesting situation. We would be living together for some indefinite amount of time and also working together. If things were not as agreeable as my previous assumption, it could all get really awkward and uncomfortable. Then again, he had left that note and bottle of tequila for me. It was a very friendly and welcoming gesture. He surely wouldn't have gone out of his way if the prospect of being around me so much made him uncomfortable.

I didn't allow my musings to go any farther than that, though. For one thing, I had this sense that the brief hook up at Carlisle's wedding was a thing of the past. Things after that had been almost serene. The ease of our conversation and kissing was pleasant, but not weighed down with expectation. In a way, we had served a need for one another – as a temporary distraction and a physical need to be close and comfortable with someone who didn't have expectations or stress attached to them. I had no regrets about what had happened between us last summer.

With my head full of Jasper, I began to wonder why I hadn't seen him yet. He wasn't home when Emmett and I arrived, and he wasn't here at Rendezvous. It was still early for a Saturday night, and the other DJ was up in the booth. I had never met her, but Emmett mentioned to me that her name was Maggie. She was quite pretty, with a round face and curly, golden brown hair. She wore jeans and a tank top, showing off a sleeve of tattoos on her right arm as well a variety of other designs scattered across her left arm, chest, and shoulders. All her ink made me think of Edward.

Before I could travel down that dead end path, I turned my attention back to Emmett. We were sitting at the bar as he chatted with one of the bartenders. She had a clipboard out, and I overheard them saying something about the liquor order. When he finished with her, I smiled up at him.

"Where's Jasper? Is he not working tonight?" I inquired.

"Not yet," he said. "He'll be here later. I think he was with his girlfriend all day."

Oh, so there was a girlfriend. I was proud that it didn't make me feel uneasy or jealous. It would probably make things much easier between us.

"That's cool," I nodded. "Is she coming here too? I'd like to meet her."

"You actually met her before."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the one who went to the wedding with us, remember? I guess you were right about Jasper still having feelings for her."

"Ali?"

"Mmmhmm," he hummed in confirmation as he scanned the club to ensure everything was in order.

Yeah, I guess I was. Well, I could scratch that thought about things being easier with him having a girlfriend. Ali and I didn't part on the best terms after the wedding, and I wasn't sure what she would think of me living a few steps down the hall from her man. Not that I was interested in him that way, but she definitely gave me a little territorial vibe when I had to drop her off at her house.

The only thing I could do was wait and see.

I _really_ hoped that there wouldn't be any drama surrounding that situation. I had come to L.A. to start fresh. I wasn't trying to escape my problems; I was attempting to leave my sordid past behind me and start living my life, just like Emmett had said. Nearly every situation and circumstance of my life in Washington was a mess. Yes, my parents and Rose were there, but the rest of it was a train wreck.

My apartment sucked. It was cramped, old, and in a shitty neighborhood. I sort of despised the small town I had been living in, but stayed because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. Now I would be living in Los Angeles, free from the dreary Seattle weather. Although I didn't have my own place, Emmett's condo was a major step up. It was nicer than any house my family ever owned.

My jobs were not leading me anywhere. I loved the kids at the school and I had fun bartending, but it wasn't as if either allowed me any luxuries. At Rendezvous, I would be doing something that actually related to my college degree, and I would be working with my cousin who I considered my boy BFF. Instead of poopy-diapered toddlers and blue-collar assholes, I would be surrounded by people whose faces graced magazines and movie screens. It was a bit surreal.

Then there was Jacob. Poor Jacob. He was such an innocent bystander in all of this, and my guilt remained even after leaving. He wasn't perfect, but he was a good guy. A genuine, sweet, generous man who just happened to fall in love with the wrong girl. He was there for me when I needed him, and I had never been able to return the devotion he showed me. It killed me that I hurt him, especially how that breakup occurred. As if running out on him wasn't bad enough, I had to twist the knife by basically letting him see me with another man. I couldn't imagine how much he was hurting. I didn't even want to consider it, lest I be guilt-ridden. In all honesty, I hoped that my abrupt disappearance from his life would help him. If I wasn't around as a constant reminder of our failed relationship, perhaps he could get over me sooner. He should move on and find someone more worthy of his love. He has pretty much everything going for him – a fantastic job, multiple automobiles, great looks, a good-natured personality, not to mention the skills in bed. Jacob deserved a really great woman at his side, and I hoped he would find her.

But Edward. My Edward. No, I couldn't allow myself to think of him that way, yet it was challenging not to. He told me he loves me and then said he wanted to be with me. My heart ached for him. I could literally feel my pulse throbbing in my ears when I thought about him. My stomach tightened and I became hot and uncomfortable. This was all so damn hard. It had always been that way with Edward, but this was the worst of it all.

Unable to block it out any longer, his call from earlier in the day came back to me. I thought of what he said on the phone as I sat on the plane awaiting departure. His words were so certain, his tone determined and honest. Those handful of words, strung together into heart wrenching statements, were difficult to fathom.

From the very beginning, even when we were just fooling around and our feelings hadn't surfaced, Edward had always been on the defensive about any affectionate sentiments. We had gotten in fights about his nervous nature and hadn't spoken for weeks. At the time, I wasn't necessarily concerned about how Edward felt about me, but I was comfortable with the status of our relationship. For my own reasons, I had been as guarded as he had. I wasn't with him to fall in love or even get a boyfriend. It was sex and fun with an insanely beautiful, intriguing man. His marriage didn't matter to me because I really only wanted one thing from him. Eventually, I felt remorse for our situation, but it wasn't enough to deter me from enjoying his company.

Somewhere along the way, heavier emotions dug their claws deep beneath our skin. We became friends, and with that change, we were less of fuck buddies and more of lovers. Sharing details of our lives felt natural and good. Granted, we did not discuss our personal lives outside our bubble, but we really began to know one another. Falling for him had been easy. Too easy. It wasn't a sudden occurrence; it was a slow build, strengthening our friendship and bond carefully along the way.

I had stupidly denied it for so long. Really, I was just trying to protect myself. I couldn't seem to stay away from or refuse Edward, but it was a constant internal struggle to prevent heartache. Over and over, so many times I had lost count, he told me that he had to stay with his wife and his son. I couldn't begrudge him that fact. They obviously had a lot of history I would never understand, and it wasn't my place to get involved in his personal business. All the while, I was juggling relationships of sorts with Jacob and Garrett, which strengthened my beliefs that I had no right to question Edward.

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, and whoever "they" are, yeah, they're right. Had I possibly been able to see things clearly back then, I might have realized what I was dealing with. I might have recognized that I was falling in love with Edward more and more with each phone call, conversation, and moment together. If I could go back and change things, would I? That was a question I honestly could not answer. We had both tried to walk away several times, and we always ended up back together. Another attempt to do so probably would have failed as well.

I guess that's the thing about perspective. What I felt and understood now was so different from when it was all happening in the moment. That's life though. None of us are mind readers or psychics, we just go by what we know, see, and feel around us. We try to make the best decisions based on what we perceive, and quite often, we make mistakes.

There was no right way for Edward and me to handle what we shared. The entire thing was wrong on so many levels, but I suppose that deep down, a part of me understood that he was something more than I forced myself to believe. What other reason would I have for continuing a relationship of that nature?

Everything was so screwed up. It was why I had to leave. I tried to be with Jake. Edward went back to his family. Yet the first time we saw each other, we ended up back at square one. Neither of us seemed to have the self-control to do the right thing, so this forced separation was really the only solution. If we did not have access to one another, there could be no opportunities for slips. Edward could focus on his life just as he had before I came along, and I could put my time and attention on my career.

It would be a good thing in the long run.

I could hardly convince myself that was true considering that I had no idea what my future held anymore, but if I kept repeating it, maybe it would work out that way.

I didn't want to think about being in love with Edward, even if I hadn't said those words to him. I didn't want to think about him admitting he loves me or saying that he wants to be with me. I was dying to know what it was he wanted to discuss. He had sounded so adamant on the phone, but he didn't give me much to go by. I could see absolutely no way we could have made that happen, even if I had stayed in Washington. How many times had he told me he couldn't bear to be away from Finn? He loved his son so much, and he didn't want to give up being a part of his child's life every single day. I couldn't blame him for that. In fact, I admired his devotion and love.

Therefore, the fact remained that no matter what Edward claimed he needed to tell me, we were doomed to continue down that same circular path. It hurt so much right now, but time would make things easier. The longing would fade. The ache would subside. The more days I survived without him, the less I would need him. Everything would be okay eventually.

Today, though…today was tough. Today hurt a lot.

Things would not change overnight, but I had a sudden realization. I could change my location, my career, and the people who surrounded me, but if I didn't put forth the effort to make positive changes in myself, nothing would be different. Yes, those first things would remain, but I could easily fall back into the same lifestyle I had been living. It made me question whether it was really Washington I was unhappy with, or if it was myself. Perhaps a combination of all those.

I suddenly felt sick.

What kind of person had I become? As a little girl, I always had this dream of what my life would be like. I would have some high power career, wearing designer suits with stiletto heels as I led boardroom meetings. I would meet my sweetheart in college and we'd be married shortly after graduation. Of course, we would begin working on our family right away. That life would include a large house, a nice luxury vehicle, and dinner parties with all our friends.

None of that happened for me.

In reality, as I grew older and experienced the real world, my expectations changed. In many ways, they lowered.

I dated guys in college, but never met anyone who made me want to settle down. Then I met James, and there was really no explanation for that relationship. I let it take over everything in my life, and I completely lost my way. Instead of focusing on success, love and a family, my priorities became friends, fun, and sex. It was self-centered, immature, and foolish.

How I could have justified my behavior is beyond me. After James, I should have gotten my ass in gear and started looking for a real job. But woulda, shoulda, coulda were getting me nowhere. I couldn't change what I had done. I couldn't change the fact that I used sex and attention from men as a means of coping with my failed life plan.

My hope lay in the fact that I am still relatively young, and it was early enough to recreate myself. I still wanted to be Bella, I just didn't want to continue living my life with such a shallow worldview. It would be easy to get caught up in frivolous things working at Rendezvous, but if I kept my focus on my job and not the famous individuals, this could be a successful venture for me. Not to mention the opportunity to support and improve Emmett's business. He was going so far out of his way to help me. This was the way I could give back to him and say thank you for everything.

With my new sense of determination, I began to feel better. My epiphany did not make my problems disappear, but it gave me the resolve I needed to be a better person.

If I wanted it, success could be mine. I just needed to make it my top priority instead of dwelling on all the issues of my love life. If nothing else, it would be a much needed distraction.

The night passed pleasantly enough. I greeted Jasper when he arrived at the club, but he had to get to work, not affording us much time for conversation. There would be plenty of opportunities for that later. After meeting a few more employees and checking out my new office, Emmett and I headed home early, at least in terms of club time.

I slept hard, and I slept late. When I woke up to the California sunshine pouring in through my windows, I saw my phone flashing on the nightstand. I picked it up and read the text message that had arrived overnight.

_You didn't call me back -EC_

_

* * *

_

_She fills my bed with gasoline  
You think I woulda noticed  
Her mind's made up  
Her love is gone  
I think someone's trying to show us a sign  
That even if we thought it would last  
The moment would pass__  
My bones will break and my heart would give  
Oh, it hurts to live  
__**Theory of a Deadman**_

__


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**My betas keepingupwiththekids, ****Vi0lentSerenity & isoldephi are a very significant part of making this story what it is. Shoot them a thank you please =)**

**Songs: Do What You Have To Do – Sarah McLachlan**

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The days went by faster than I had thought possible. I was completely consumed by all the new things I had to learn and do at work. The distraction was welcome. Days turned into weeks, and although I was really enjoying all the newness of things, I was still shouldering the burden of unresolved issues – namely, Edward Cullen – but there was more than that. My entire life had changed in an extremely abrupt manner.

It was harder than I imagined being away from Rosalie. I had depended on her presence in my life for a long time, and I missed her intensely now that we were apart. Emmett was great, but he wasn't Rose. This was home now, but it still sucked. I wanted my Rosalie in L.A. to experience all the new and exciting things with me.

Our phone calls tended to sound something like this:

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"It sucks without you here."

"Then move here with me."

"I can't move."

"Sure you can."

_Sigh._ "I can't."

"Fine." _Sigh._

"I miss you a whole fucking lot."

"I know. I miss you more."

"Love you, baby girl."

"Love you, Rose."

Thankfully, Emmett wasted no time throwing me into the mix of things at Rendezvous. Within days, I was catering to the needs of club hopping socialites and making calls to a slew of personal assistants to go over private party details. I got along great with everyone at the club, which was good, considering that Emmett deemed me a second supervisor and boss to all of them.

"I believe in your judgment, Bella," he had said to me. "There is no one else I would trust more with my club and my employees."

He had never given anyone else that type of power with his or her position. I knew that my sudden authority could come across as undeserved favoritism if I allowed it, so I worked my ass off to keep a good rapport with all of the employees, no matter what their position.

There was always someone to see, someone to call, and some issue that needed resolving. Everything was so fast paced in this city and job, providing me with a thrill I had never experienced in my career. Working as a bartender with Rosalie was fun, but it lacked substance. Here, the quality of my work truly mattered. When I did my job right, the club benefited. Employees and customers depended on me, and the sense of accomplishment and importance I experienced was extremely gratifying. I hardly had time to think for myself, which made it a little easier to temporarily ignore the issues in my personal life that were eating away at me.

Edward had not called again, but I received a number of texts from him over the course of my first month in California. I had not been able to bring myself to answer the one on the first night or the next few that came in the following week. As time passed, I would occasionally respond, but I never said too much or risked delving into my intimate feelings for him. I stuck to topics that felt safe – work, how I was adjusting, how I enjoyed living here – but I never approached things about _us._ When it felt as though our chats were heading in that direction, I would wish him well and end the conversation. My avoidance didn't seem to deter him, though. He was persistent, but not overbearing in his attempts to speak to me. One part of me celebrated his refusal to give up on me, but my logical side was aware that it probably wasn't best idea to continue on this way.

I knew that I needed to cut off communication with him completely if I were to ever have a chance of getting over him, but it was so hard to go cold turkey, so to speak. I had done that when I dated Jacob, and the thought of letting Edward go again made my chest constrict and my heart race with anxiety. A few texts from time to time were fairly harmless though. I didn't have to hear his voice, and I wasn't being flirtatious or suggestive.

The whole texting thing was actually new ground for us. When I lived in Washington, we never sent texts in case Carissa ever noticed them on his phone or their cell phone bill. It was one of those things I just accepted in our relationship, but I was glad for it at the time. I enjoyed hearing his voice on the phone much more than receiving texts. These days, I was using the texts as a means of avoiding conversations and deeper issues.

The club was closed on Sundays and Mondays, but a handful of us still worked during the day on Monday to take care of things on the business side. As it was the beginning of June and the weather was incredible, I got up early, rushed through my work, and made it back home before noon. I was dressed and ready for a run, sitting on the living room floor stretching when Jasper entered.

"Hey, what are you up to today?" he asked.

"About to go run. You?"

"You're not planning to go to the gym then, I take it?" His question didn't surprise me. The guys and I had made it a habit of hitting the gym together most days. Working late at night didn't always make it easy to coordinate a regular time, but with three of us to keep the others motivated, we managed. On the days we couldn't align our schedules, I would go for a run around our neighborhood. I didn't like doing it everyday because it would get so hot, but it was nice to have a good sweat fest once or twice a week.

"Nah, the gym is boring without you and Em," I replied with a shrug.

"Let's head over to the beach then. Have you ever run in the sand?"

"Nope."

"It's a killer workout. Will you wait a few while I get dressed?"

"Sure," I said, abandoning my stretching and heading into the kitchen to pack a few bottles of water into a cooler. The prospect of going to the beach for any reason excited me. We had only gone once since I moved because of the hectic schedule at the club and getting me acquainted with everything. Even if it was just to take a hard run with Jasper, I looked forward to the smell of the Pacific and the heat radiating off the sand.

A few minutes later, Jasper emerged with a couple of towels and a bottle of spray on sunscreen. We headed out in his car and talked the entire way to the beach.

Everything between us had been good since I moved in, but our conversations always seemed to dance around the Ali subject. I wasn't sure why I felt the need to avoid it, nor did I fully understand why he did either. It was just this unspoken thing. She no longer worked at the club but was often there when Jasper worked. The handful of times she had been to the condo, all I got from her were dirty scowls. I lacked the desire to feed into petty female bullshit, so I choose to shrug it off and go about my own business. If she had something to say to me, she needed to just say it. I had too much on my mind to get worked up over Ali right now.

Having this time alone with Jasper, I was tempted to ask him about it, but he cut me off by inquiring about my own love life.

"So how are things really going for you, Bella?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. He had been around me practically every moment since I arrived.

"I know you've been busy and all with the club, but that doesn't change the fact that this move was a pretty quick decision for you. Emmett said you were dating someone just before you left?"

"Uhh, yeah. Jacob. Things hadn't been working out for a while before that, though," I admitted.

"I see. Was he the, umm, rule guy?"

I glanced over at Jasper and noticed a playful grin tugging at one side of his mouth. It was the first reference to our brief affair that either of us had mentioned.

"Yeah," I said slowly, hearing the slight shake in my voice. I had no idea where this conversation would go. "We'd only been officially dating a few months before I left, though."

"Lost the thrill, did it?" Jasper teased and I audibly gasped.

"Oh my gosh, you did not just say that out loud!"

"I'm joking, Bella! I know absolutely nothing about your relationship. I'm just glad you weren't with him last summer."

"Do…do you want to talk about that?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't want there to be anything awkward or unresolved between us if that's what he was thinking. Still, I scooted slightly closer to the window on my side of the car.

With an easygoing laugh, he glanced over at me and shook his head. "Nah, we're cool. Unless you feel the need to discuss it." Reaching over, he gave my knee a quick squeeze, then returned his hand to the steering wheel. "As far as I'm concerned, it was a lot of fun, but we both knew what it was."

I nodded in agreement. "I concur."

To my surprise, he continued. "I will say, however, that I wanted to fuck you pretty damn bad. Then again, if I had, I probably wouldn't have wanted to ever stop, so it's better that we didn't."

"Oh god," I groaned under my breath, sinking down into my seat and squeezing my eyes closed. Even though there was chemistry between us, I liked Jasper as my friend, not to mention our current circumstances. The idea of having sex with him hadn't seriously crossed my mind in a very long time. Still, he was absolutely gorgeous, and I had not had sex since the last time with Edward. Hearing a guy say he wanted to fuck me endlessly was a bit of a tease to the lady parts.

Noticing my reaction, Jasper responded in alarm. "Bella? What's wrong?"

"Can we just not talk about sex?" I moaned pitifully, still not opening my eyes.

"Shit, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. It's just…you're such a laid back chick, I thought it was a little harmless banter, that's all. I'm sorry," he repeated.

At the mention of _laid back chick_, I immediately relaxed. That was always Garrett's nickname for me. I made a mental note to call him soon and catch up, and then I cleared the air with Jasper.

"No, Jasper, it's cool. We're fine. I'm just going through a bit of a…dry spell, if you will," I said, finally looking at him.

"Ooooh, got it."

I wondered what color my face was because it was getting a bit warm in the car.

When I didn't say anything, he spoke again. "Do you mind if I ask why? I see a lot from my vantage point at the club, and it's not as though you haven't had opportunities. You get hit on practically every night and that includes some of the more affluent customers."

Slightly stunned, I stared at him for a moment as I tried to gather my thoughts. "Honestly, I don't really know," I said. "Well, that's not entirely true. I've tried not to think about it too much, but I suppose I simply don't respond to that kind of attention the way I used to." I took a deep breath before my next admission. "I think I'm still a little hung up on someone else, and it's making me closed off to other guys."

"So you miss Jacob?" he asked after a brief pause.

"No, not Jacob," I answered quietly.

He gave me a perplexed and curious look, but his attention was on the parking area, as we had just arrived at the beach. We climbed out of the car quietly, and I immediately began adjusting the ties on my cross trainers.

"Hey, hold up," Jasper said, grabbing my arm lightly and pulling me up. "I get the feeling you need to talk this out a little more. Why don't we walk for a while and then we can run back. Consider it a warm up with a side of conversation."

"All right," I agreed, surprisingly thankful for his offer. We began our walk in silence until he urged me to explain what had happened in Washington and what ultimately led to my decision to take Emmett up on his offer of a job in California.

At first, it was hard to admit the things I had done to yet another person. It was nice, though, because he ended up being objective in a way that Emmett had not been, yet not as accepting of everything as Rosalie. His perspective was very different from theirs, and I believed that he understood without judging me based on my socially frowned upon choices. It was a little humorous how much our conversation mirrored the way I had listened to him last summer as he talked to me about Ali. Obviously, the situations were extremely different, but the sentiment was the same.

Jasper made observations neither I, nor any of my other confidants had put together. He pointed out the way Edward would always say things to me – always putting the importance of staying with his son before staying with his wife, or referring to Carissa as his best friend and saying he loved her but never that he was _in love_ with her. He asked me how I truly felt when I was with Edward and how that compared to the way I felt with other guys, even using himself as an example. As if he was some kind of psychologist, he helped me break down each of those relationships deeper than I ever had on my own and come to terms with where my heart had been in the past year…and where it was now.

We agreed that my relationship with Jacob had been, at best, comfortable. He compared it to what had happened with us last summer.

"Look, Bella, you and I both know that there is something electric between us, right?"

"Yeah," I agreed, feeling a bit nervous about discussing our attraction in depth.

"But we do better on a platonic level, wouldn't you agree? We could hook up and have fun, but if we're really honest with ourselves, that _thing_ that would sustain a long term relationship just isn't there."

I pondered his words for a few minutes, walking silently beside him as the waves rolled onto the sand and retracted in the uneven patterns of nature.

Looking at things the way he saw them, I began to understand where he was going with all of this. Perhaps he and Jacob were more alike than I realized. Not necessarily as the kind of men they were or their personalities, but in the ways we connected and got along.

I had really wanted things to work out with Jacob at one time, but in hindsight, it was a bit forced. We had all the surface ingredients of a great pairing, but when you looked beneath sex and friendship, there wasn't much there. I wanted there to be something, but there wasn't. To me, there was never a comparison or competition between Edward and Jacob for my affection. Yes, when I started to date Jacob, I had made the choice to let go of Edward, but I wasn't really choosing one over the other because Edward was never truly available to me. The more I considered it, the more I realized…

"I never really wanted things to work out with Jacob because it was not _my_ ideal future, I wanted it to work because it was _his_ ideal. It was what he wanted, and I was trying to conform, to make him happy."

Stunned by my revelation, I stopped walking and plopped down in the sand. I stared out at the ocean blankly, not really seeing it.

For over a year, I had every piece of the puzzle I needed right in front of me. I even thought about them numerous times, yet I had never put them together in this way until now. It took Jasper's careful and receptive ear to pull the right information out of me and arrange it properly.

"You all right?" he asked from his seat beside me on the hot beach.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I just never…it's so crazy how easily we can hide things from ourselves, even when it's staring back at us like a reflection."

"You're not a bad person, B," he offered, rubbing comforting circles between my shoulder blades. I appreciated the gesture and liked the new nickname he had decided to give me. I felt closer to him already, and I liked having something that was ours. "I can tell from your expression that you think you screwed something up monumentally, but this is how life works, hun. People need people, and sometimes we get mixed up about their role and importance in our lives, especially when you add sex to the kettle."

"Thanks," I said quietly, and I truly meant it.

He took the opportunity to transition us back into a conversation about Edward now that I had a good handle on everything that had happened with Jacob.

"It's pretty obvious you were in love with Edward before you ended things with him back in the winter," he said. "You realize that now, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. I've been thinking about that a lot over the past month. It's hard to rationalize, but at the same time, it makes complete sense. I know that I was, and still sort of am, all screwed up from my relationship with James. That did a real number on my self-esteem and made me extremely cynical about men. Given the circumstances of everything with Edward and his marriage, I recognize that I was forcing myself to only acknowledge certain aspects of what we had."

Jasper hummed in agreement and understanding, allowing me to continue as I described my feelings to both of us.

"Hearing him say that he wished he had met me before his wife and that I was the kind of woman he wanted to be with really was a huge mindfuck," I said, feeling exasperated at the memory. I knew my annoyance wasn't with Edward, though. He had just been trying to be honest with me. "Maybe he never should have said it, but I also could have been a little more objective and aware."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. From the sound of things, that was an extremely emotional ordeal. No one would expect you to think completely clear given the circumstances."

"Thanks for that, J," I said, interjecting my own nickname this time. "This is really helping, you know? I appreciate it."

He winked and bumped his shoulder against mine, urging me to keep talking.

"I just don't know where to go from here. He aired his feelings, but the fact remains that I'm here, he's there, and he's still married with a kid he doesn't want to leave. In love with one another or not, there's no magic wand to erase the parts we'd rather not deal with. Now I have to figure out how to get over him and move on with my life."

I watched Jasper gazing at the ocean for several minutes, seemingly contemplating my words and trying to help me develop some sort of solution for my emotional predicament. Silently, I wondered how I had gotten so lucky despite all the other shitty things that had happened in my life recently. I had a new job I loved, even if it was a boatload of work and ass kissing, and I had two incredible friends in Emmett and Jasper. As I waited, I watched the various birds flying and fishing in the water and smiled about my awesome new location. It was finally beginning to feel like home.

"You need closure," Jasper said, breaking our silence. "You haven't been able to fully move on from that relationship without it, and he obviously has something he believes you need to know. I don't think he's going to back down on this one, B. From what you told me about that fight you guys had way back and the lengths he went to in seeking your forgiveness, you're pretty much screwed unless you change your phone number." I stared at him, my stomach rolling as he brushed a loose clump of hair out of his eyes. The motion made me aware of the breeze whipping my ponytail against my back. "I know the thought of talking to him scares you a little, but it's what you need to do."

"I don't know…" I trailed off apprehensively.

"I get that, really, but the biggest thing you two have lacked in your relationship is honesty and communication. You have to stop avoiding your problems and face them. You say you grew to trust him and feel like he did the same with you, so you need to put that trust into action now. I'm not saying it will be easy because it won't. I'm sure it's going to be one of the fucking hardest conversations you'll ever have, but that doesn't change the fact that it needs to be done. Talk to him. Clear the air. Say the things you need to say, and allow him to do the same," Jasper told me firmly. "You never know, he may surprise you. No matter what, you'll at least be telling it to the people who need to hear it – each other."

"Yeah, I think you're right," I agreed.

"So enough vacillating over this and just get it done. You can tell your story to as many people as you like, B, but none of it will truly make a difference until you handle that conversation with him. If you can admit all your feelings to me, you can admit them to him."

"I'm scared," I whispered, pulling my legs a little closer to my body and burying my face in my knees. I felt Jasper's arm wrap around me, and I leaned into him.

"I know, sweetheart," he said, placing a comforting kiss on top of my head. "There's a lot to be scared of in this life, but we shouldn't have to be afraid of love. I don't like these circumstances anymore than you do, and it tears me up to see you hurting, but this is what needs to be done." Pulling me up to stand, he gave me a genuine, sweet smile that brightened my outlook. "Now come on, I think it's time we got to that run. You sure as shit can use a little stress relief!"

We laughed together as he stripped off his tee shirt and tucked it into his shorts. I did the same with my tank top, leaving me in a sports bra. We stretched our sedentary muscles for a few minutes and then took off down the endless sandy beach for our much needed run. I couldn't help but ogle his bare, tan chest just a little. With that thought, I knew my attitude was improving already.

Our run was excruciating. I pushed myself to keep up with the long legs that accompanied Jasper's six foot-four frame. Not only did I run faster, but it was also a bit longer than what I normally run. If nothing else, it helped exorcize a few of my demons. By the time we were finished, we both dripped sweat from the exertion and the hot sun beating down on our bodies. We each chugged a full bottle of water before toweling off, grateful for the cold refreshments on a hot day like this. After some thorough stretching and a few more dabs of our towels, we loosened our sneakers, grabbed two more bottles of water, and headed for home. We kept the AC on full blast, stopping only to pick up some protein smoothies on the trip back.

When we got out of the car, Jasper scowled at a miniscule amount of sand and saltwater residue that had settled on his paintjob. He immediately went to retrieve the necessary items to wash his Cadillac, and I volunteered to help. I was already in desperate need of a shower and had nothing better to do anyway, so I figured, what the hell?

After the run, our conversation had taken a lighter tone, and one soapy slip while washing the car quickly turned into a raucous, wet battle with the hose and soaked flying sponges. Within minutes, we were both drenched, our hair in stringy wet disarray and our relatively bare torsos dripping with streams of cold water. As we wrestled each other to the ground in a brawl for domination of the hose, Ali chose that exact moment to pull up in front of the condo.

My laughter died immediately when she emerged from her car with a death glare painted on her petite features. I released Jasper from the spidery tangle of our legs and arms and stood quickly. He noticed my sudden reaction and saw Alice staring at us with her hands on her hips.

I flashed her a nervous smile, wringing my hair out before making a beeline for the front door. "I'll, umm, see you later, J," I croaked before retreating into the house.

"Yeah, thanks for your help, B."

With absolutely no interest in what would transpire once I was out of sight, I hit the shower right away and took my sweet time.

I spent time primping and plucking, listening to some music and dancing around my bedroom in my underwear. Thanks to our discussion, Jasper had helped me lift a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt like I truly understood what had happened with Jacob and what my motivations and mistakes were in that relationship. That was not a path I would travel again, but it felt good to get into my own head in regards to my time with him. All my coping mechanisms and rule making really dulled my sense of reality. Again, I had the understanding that this period of my life really was an opportunity to start fresh.

Although my nerves were not completely soothed regarding Edward, I was glad that Jasper called me out on my true feelings and made me address so many of the unspoken things that happened between us. He really would have made a great psychologist, but in a way, being a DJ still made sense for him. He could anticipate what music people would need to set the right mood, and he provided it for them.

I resolved that the next time Edward tried to contact me, I would talk to him. We needed to air things out, and I owed it to him to hear whatever it was that he felt such a strong need to tell me. I didn't know what would come of a conversation with him, but I held out hope that he hadn't given up on getting in touch with me yet.

Flopping down on my bed, I dug my phone out of the bag I had taken to the beach. Turning it on, I saw a missed call from my parents, another from Rosalie, and three texts from Edward. I smiled at that, wondering if he had sensed me talking about him today. Reading them, however, made me feel a bit guilty when I considered his feelings.

_Miss you. Wish you'd call ~E_

_I'm going crazy here. I need you to call me. I need to hear your voice & tell you everything. Plz don't ignore me any longer_

_Please _

The third, very simple message had a little heart symbol next to it that made me want to squeal and cry at the same time. I pressed the reply button without hesitation and typed him a message.

_Can I call you later tonight? ~B_

His reply was almost immediate.

_YES- do you promise?_

I sent him a quick confirmation and rolled onto my back to call Rosalie. As always, I tried to coax her into packing up and moving to California with me, and she played her part with excuses and arguments. After we went through that routine, we caught up on the weekend, even though we talked daily. We never lacked for things to discuss. I wanted to ask her about Garrett and Jacob, since I had been thinking about them today, but decided that I would call Garrett later instead. I missed him, and it would be good to hear his voice. We had only exchanged texts since I moved.

By the time I emerged from my room, I realized that evening had set in, giving way to the dark nighttime sky. Jasper and I had spent several hours on our trip to the beach, which was much longer than I anticipated. It was necessary, though. Emmett was nowhere to be seen and I could hear the television playing Jasper's bedroom, so I made myself a small salad and took it out on the porch. After finishing my dinner, I picked up the phone and dialed Garrett's number.

"Well speak of the devil, if it isn't my favorite California girl!" he bellowed into the phone.

I laughed at his exuberant greeting and returned a fond sentiment. "So you've been talking about me, huh?"

"Just reminiscing with Ben about that time you and Rosalie made out at bike night," he quipped.

"I would hardly call that making out. Just a friendly little bestie greeting to drive you boys wild."

"Uh huh…tease."

We talked for a little while, catching up on things since I left. I told him about my new job, promising to introduce him to plenty of hot actresses if he ever came to visit. He liked that incentive.

He told me that he and Chelsea split up right after I moved, but that he had been hanging out with this new girl Kate. She had two kids – twins – from a young marriage, but that didn't seem to bother Garrett at all. In fact, he seemed quite taken with her, and I was so glad to hear that much adoration and excitement in his voice.

I attempted to ask about Jacob casually, but he called me out on it.

"He's doing better than he was, but it's taken time. I think you were his first love, so he's trying to figure out how to deal with that."

"I feel so awful about everything," I said quietly. "I never meant to hurt him. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know, Bella. Don't stress about it. He's a tough guy, and when he finds the right girl, she'll be a lucky lady."

"Sure will," I agreed.

"I think he'd appreciate knowing that you're thinking about him, at least as a friend. I might have to mention it sometime."

"Oh Garrett, I don't know if that's the best idea," I said quickly. "I don't want to make things worse."

"Listen, let me be the judge of that. If it's something I think he can handle, cool. If not, I won't say anything."

Just then, I heard the sliding glass door open behind me, and I turned to see Ali walking outside. As always, she wore her typical scowl for me.

"A word, Bella," she said sharply, completely disregarding the fact that I was on the phone.

Holding my phone away from my ear slightly, I gestured toward it with my free hand.

"I don't give a fuck if you're talking to the Pope," she spat. "Get off the damn phone because we need to talk!"

"Whoa," Garrett howled in my ear. "I think I'd better let you go."

I tried to protest to both of them, but it was getting me nowhere. Garrett said a quick goodbye, and I set my phone on the table before standing to face Ali.

"That was incredibly rude of you," I said calmly, but I felt my blood boiling. Why did she have to be such a royal bitch all the time?

"Whatever," she said flippantly, waving her hands over her head like a crazy person. "You and I need to have a little talk here, _B_." The way she used Jasper's new nickname was obviously a dig, as it was laced with venom and loathing.

"Fine. Talk." I said, staring blankly at her and crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'm only going to say this once, so listen up. You may live down the hall from him, but stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, you stupid jizz dumpster!"

My jaw dropped at her snarling name calling, not because she had offended me, but because it was completely childish and uncalled for. I was ready to fire back at her, but I didn't want to sink to that level. I had no reason to get defensive because I was innocent. Jasper and I were friends, and she needed to get a grip on reality so that she could calm down. Instead, I went for the "kill her with kindness" angle, praying it would work.

"Ali, listen. Jasper and I are-"

"It's _Alice_," she shrieked, cutting me off before I could finish.

"What? All right, whatever. _Alice_, Jasper and I are friends. _Just friends,_" I said, trying to sound reassuring. "Whatever you're thinking, it's a misconception. Shit, if you're pissed about today, all we did was go running and talk. He spent half the afternoon talking to me about my ex-boyfriends and helping me deal with my own shit."

"Riiiiiiiight," she said sarcastically with an exaggerated eye roll. "'_Oh Jasper, you're such a great friend for letting me boo-hoo on your shoulder! Now let me take off my clothes and spray you with a hose!' _ Kiss my ass, _jizz dumpster_, I don't buy that shit for one second!"

"Jesus, Alice, what the hell are you doing?" said a booming voice from just inside. The sliding glass door was pushed open the rest of the way, and Jasper and Emmett appeared, dragging us inside before slamming the door closed.

"Baby, she was all fucking over you when I got here!" Alice defended. "I was just reminding her to keep her hands to herself."

"By calling her names?" Jasper scowled. "We already talked about this earlier. There is nothing going on between me and Bella."

"Maybe you're not interested in her, but I've seen the way she looks at you. _And_ I know what happened last year at the wedding."

All of the sudden, Emmett stepped forward and interjected. Where the hell had he come from? "Whoa there. What's this shit about the wedding? What happened at the wedding?"

"Nothing!" Jasper and I said at the same time.

"I've had enough of this," Emmett announced. "Family meeting. Everyone in the living room, _now_. Bella, you go in the chair. You two," he gestured to Alice and Jasper, "Opposite ends of the couch."

We all shuffled into the living room and did as we were told.

"Now explain what the hell is going on here." When all three of us started talking at once, he cut us off again. "Jasper. Explain."

"I have no clue, man."

"Fine then. Bella? Did something happen between you and Jasper?"

"They fucked at your dad's wedding!" Alice shrieked.

"Oh my god, mind your own business!" I yelled, noticing Emmett's face turn very, _very_ red as he looked back and forth between Jasper and me. "You're going to give Emmett an aneurysm!"

"We did _not_ have sex," Jasper told them. "Not that it's any of your business. Either of you."

"Then what happen?" Emmett asked.

Jasper glared at him, obviously annoyed at this point. "Didn't I just say that it's not your business?"

"That's my cousin!" Emmett pointed at me.

"Yeah, and you were off fooling around with my date! So unless you would like to give me a play-by-play of your activities, don't expect me to explain shit to either of you." He turned and faced Alice. "You need to get the hell over this, Alice. I love you. You get that, right? It was your choice when you broke things off with me before and did whatever the hell you did. If you want this, you have to trust me and learn how to deal with Bella being my friend."

I sat quietly, slightly dumbstruck as I watched this scene unfold.

With a severe pout smothering her face, Alice scooted closer to Jasper. "I trust you," she said desperately. "I just have no reason to trust her."

I rolled my eyes, but hoped no one saw the gesture.

Jasper slid across the couch and took her hands. "If you must know, Bella and I spent the afternoon talking about all the shit she left behind in Washington. She's in love with someone up there, and I assure you that she is not interested in me. In fact, we specifically addressed the fact that while we made out for like, five minutes last summer, we are completely incompatible as anything more than friends. Ask her if you don't believe me."

Even though he left out many details, including a vast understatement of what had happened at the wedding, I knew it was better this way. That was not a conversation I wanted to have with Alice or Emmett. Ever. "See? That's what I tried to tell you earlier. Don't want your boyfriend. Just friends. The end." My voice was softer, trying to convey the truth in my words and keep the defensive hostility at bay.

No one said anything for several minutes, so I told them that if we were done, I was heading to my room. Stopping to retrieve my phone and a glass of water, I slowly walked down the hall and shut my bedroom door behind me. I turned on the bedside lamp and the television for a distraction. Closing my eyes, I gave myself some time to process what had just happened.

Why was it that drama seemed to follow me everywhere I went? I wouldn't take back what happened with Jasper last year because we hadn't done anything wrong. We were both single, and although we came to the wedding with other people, they had ditched us first. Alcohol and stress factored in for both of us, and we were just having a little fun. We fooled around, which was incredibly erotic, but that was the extent of it. In all the time that passed since my visit last July, I had not spoken to Jasper once. It made me wonder if Alice was truly that insecure or if there was some other issue that made her act that way. Regardless, it was not my problem.

A little while later, I had calmed down and was actually paying attention to the program on my television. A soft knock sounded on my door, and I invited the person into my room. There were only three choices of guest, but I was still somewhat surprised to see Jasper standing in the doorway.

"Come on in," I said, beckoning him closer. He shut the door with a soft _click_ and sat on the end of my bed as I straightened up to face him.

He sighed heavily, rubbing his hands up and down on his face. "I'm really sorry about that."

"Hey," I protested, tapping his chin with a single finger so that he would look at me. "Not your fault. I really don't know what brought that on, but I swear I didn't incite any of it. Well, that may not be completely true. I'm sure our front lawn wrestling match didn't look good."

"It didn't, but she was still out of line, B. It was completely inappropriate to attack you that way and to call you names."

I scratched the back of my neck and sighed. "Do you have any idea what brought it on?"

"Not really," he shrugged. "My guess is that you're the only girl she actually saw me with when we weren't together. Jealousy, I guess."

"Huh…well, at least we got that out of the way," I chuckled darkly, but hoping to lighten the mood a little bit. "When did you guys get together again anyway?"

"Well, she started pursuing me not long after the wedding, but I held off for a few months before I let anything happen. I needed to make sure she wasn't going to flake on me like she did the last time. I couldn't take that kind of heartbreak a second time, you know?"

"But you still have problems?" I asked, honestly interested to know. He had been so supportive of me that I wanted to be there for him if he needed someone to talk to about it.

He scrunched his face noncommittally, looking rather childish and cute in the process. I giggled internally. "Things are usually really great, but she has her moments. I think it's more about what she did while we weren't dating, you know? Like she thinks I'll do something to get back at her. She knows I won't, but she overcompensates and gets pissed about stupid stuff every once in a while. We're working on it, though. Hopefully this will be the last of it."

"Yeah, I hope so too," I said. "I'd hate to be the straw that broke the camels back, or whatever that phrase is." He laughed at my comment, automatically bringing a smile to my face. "So where is she now? Are you going to get in trouble for talking to me?"

"Oh, umm, no trouble. I told her that I needed her to go home so I could cool off. I think I'm going to head over to her place in a little while, though. I don't like the passive aggressive shit."

"I don't blame you for that."

"So have you talked to Edward yet?" he asked.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed. "I got a text from him earlier, and I said I would call him tonight. You don't think it's too late now, do you?"

"B, from what you've told me, you could call him at four in the morning and he wouldn't think it was too late or too early. Call him."

"I will. And thanks again for all your help today."

"Anytime, sweetie," he said, leaning forward to kiss my head and give me a hug. We held onto each other for a few moments before he stood up and crossed my room. "Good luck and sleep tight. I expect a full report tomorrow."

As he left my room, I picked up my cell phone and tossed it from hand to hand. In my mind, I rehearsed what I wanted to say to Edward, hoping I would get things right. I knew that it wouldn't matter, though. Once I heard his voice, I would forget everything I had planned and speak impulsively.

Psyching myself up, I repeated the same thing in my mind over and over again, remembering everything Jasper and I discussed that afternoon. _Honesty. Complete honesty._

Taking a deep breath and holding it, I found Edward's number in my contact list and dialed. The sound of his voice was like sweet honey on a sore throat.

"I've been waiting," he said, uncharacteristically uneasy.

"I'm here now," I offered. I heard him sigh once, and then we began the conversation that would potentially break my heart into a million pieces…or offer the closure I so fervently needed.

Or maybe something else entirely.

* * *

_Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go  
A glowing ember  
Burning hot, burning slow  
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you  
I know I cant be with you__I do what I have to do**  
Sarah McLachlan**_

__


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Thanks to keepingupwiththekids, isoldephi, & Vi0lentserenity for beta'ing. Thanks to Vixen1836 for insight and encouragement.**

**Song: Since You've Been Gone – Theory of a Deadman **(Don't forget to check out the playlist on my LJ page!)

* * *

Edward's voice was so soothing and beautiful. It was wonderful to hear it after such a long time. A handful of weeks felt more like an eternity. I understood that it was all my own doing, as he had been waiting for me to call him, but I wasn't ready before now. Thanks to a little time and a lot of excellent perspective from Jasper, I felt as prepared as I could be.

Jasper didn't support the fact that Edward was a married man I had been and was still somewhat involved with, but he looked past that and helped me address the feelings I had for Edward instead of our circumstances. As he put it, circumstances and situations can change.

"_Nothing in life is constant, Bella, even when we think it's infallible or forever. Deal with your feelings first, and then you can address everything else. Whether you want closure or a future with this guy, you need to understand him, which you obviously don't. If that's the case, I'm guessing he doesn't fully understand you either. These unresolved feelings will haunt you for the rest of your life, so that is why I'm willing to support you in your efforts to get this all straightened out. What you do from there is on you, sweetie."_

Pretty wise for a guy only in his late twenties, wouldn't you say?

With that reassurance, I turned my full attention toward Edward and focused on communication and honesty, just as Jasper had encouraged.

"I really miss you, Bella. A fucking lot," Edward admitted. It hurt how broken his voice sounded as he spoke.

"I miss you too," I whispered into the phone, meaning every one of those four simple words. _Honesty. No holding back._

"Tell me about L.A.," he said, and I was happy to comply.

I talked about Emmett and Jasper and what it was like living with two men. He said it made him feel better knowing that I had them around to "protect me." I understood his sentiment, even if it was a little silly in my eyes. Taking care of myself was something I took pride in, but this was a new location for me. Having the guys did give me some peace of mind. He seemed a little hesitant when I talked about Jasper, at least until I mentioned his girlfriend, and I could hear the relief in Edward's tone. My heart raced at his possessive insinuation. When it came to Alice, I decided it was easier to ghost over those details. I could not explain her distaste for me fully without giving him a little background information on Jasper and me. It was irrelevant, so I hedged by saying that Alice and I hadn't spent enough time together to become friends. Maybe someday we'd be in a place where I could explain the whole story to Edward.

He wanted to know the details of my daily life, so I filled his ears with accounts of our trips to the gym, going out and about and getting familiar with Los Angeles, and the office side of my job. He asked me many questions about what I was doing and how I liked it, even though we had briefly discussed those things in our texts over the past month. He sounded genuinely happy that I was enjoying living here, even if I was so far away.

Describing my nights at Rendezvous and my hands-on experiences with our customers took longer. I regaled him with stories and accounts of professional athletes, musicians, actors, and a variety of other celebrities. We laughed about reality TV stars the most, making fun of the way they are famous for doing virtually nothing, yet they see themselves as equals to the A-listers. Edward was amazed by how many famous people I had encountered already and even went out of his comfort zone to ask who had hit on me. Reluctantly, but in good humor, I named a few, assuring him that I had no interest in becoming a notch on the bedpost of someone just because of their fame.

As always, I was surprised by how easily we fell into comfortable conversation together, no matter how much time had passed or what the circumstances were. It was nice. Really nice.

"Wait, Rendezvous is the name of the club?" he asked at one point.

"Yep."

"And your cousin _owns_ it?"

"Yeah, he opened it after he graduated from college."

"That's crazy," he said. "I've heard about that place. It gets mentioned in those gossip magazines all the time."

"You read gossip magazines?" I asked. A wry smile he couldn't see was curling my lips.

"Not really, I mean, Car- umm, they're laying around sometimes."

Immediately, the tone of our conversation had shifted. I knew we couldn't keep dancing around the subject of Edward's wife, so I decided to take this opportunity to address it directly.

"Hey," I said softly. "We need to talk about these kinds of things, so don't get awkward when she comes up, all right?"

"I'm sorry, Bella. It feels a little weird."

"For me too, but it is what it is," I offered. "Why don't you go ahead and take your turn telling me about what's been going on in your life. My tongue is thoroughly exhausted from all the Hollywood gossip I've provided, so let me have a break."

"Okay," he chuckled softly. "I have no idea where to begin."

Even though I knew he wanted to talk about all these other things, I could hear a slight hesitance in his voice. A sense of foreboding washed over me, but I pushed it away, knowing that this needed to be done. Instead of giving into the nervous fear myself, I encouraged him.

"Wherever you're comfortable."

A pregnant pause filled the gap between phone lines and miles, preparing us both for whatever was to come. I waited as patiently as possible, though extremely anxious to actually begin this conversation. All the while, I wished I could reach through the phone to hold and comfort him through this conversation.

"I guess I'll just say it," he began. I bit my lip in anticipation. "It was a little over four months ago now that Carissa and I started going to marriage counseling."

That was definitely _not_ what I expected he would want to tell me. Still, I listened intently because it was important to him. I wondered where this would lead and what it had to do with me.

"It was only a few days after we went to that…after you ended things with us." He took an audible breath, and then continued. "Things hadn't been in a very good place with us for a while. It was long before you came into the picture, Bella. All the time that you and I spent together, it slowly started to open my eyes to the problems in our marriage. I wanted to pretend like we were fine, but we weren't. There's a lot of stuff in my past that made an impact on how I acted toward you in the beginning, and hopefully someday I'll have the opportunity to share that with you. If you'll let me, that is."

He stayed quiet for a moment, but I wasn't sure how to respond to any of this new information. I told him that I was listening and encouraged him to keep talking, to get out whatever he needed to share.

"God, I don't even know how to say all of this. I've practiced this conversation in my head so many damn times since you left, yet here I am feeling speechless."

"Can I ask one thing?" I said.

"Of course. Anything."

I bit my lip, feeling a thin layer of skin peel off the surface as I gathered my thoughts. "When you called me before and I was on the plane, you said you…you said you want to be with me."

"I do," he interrupted. "I still do, so much."

"Okay then," I continued. "You're still living with your family? Still going to counseling? I mean, you know I'm staying here in L.A., so has that changed anything? I'm just trying to make sense of things here, Edward, and to be completely honest, absolutely nothing makes sense to me when it comes to us."

I lay back on my bed, hooking my Bluetooth on my ear as I settled in for what was presumably going to be a long conversation.

"Why don't you let me go back a ways, to when we met. Can I do that?" he asked.

I agreed, as I had a few questions that may come up in regards to that subject.

"I don't want to hide anything from you any longer, Bella. I don't know if we have a chance or a future, but there is so much I need you to hear. If you're willing to listen, I want to tell you."

"Sure," I acquiesced. "Go ahead."

"Like I said, Carissa and I weren't doing really well before I met you. It wasn't as if we fought or had any major issues, we were just complacent. Life was a routine with us. We had been friends for so long that we were basically going through the motions anymore. Overall, we were both still happy in our own way, but we definitely weren't living up to the potential of our marriage.

"For so long, I thought it was just me; that she was more in love with me than I was with her, but through our sessions, I learned that we are on pretty level playing ground, so to speak. Neither of us could pinpoint when it had really happened, yet it had undeniably changed. We did what we had to do. We devoted ourselves to Finn, and that was really the glue that always held us together. He was and still is the light of my life, so staying focused on him was a distraction from the state of our relationship."

It was hard to get a feel for Edward's emotions. I had always been able to read him fairly well when we were together, but I didn't have his demeanor or facial expressions to go by right now. I had to listen carefully and try to interpret his words based on his tone and inflection.

Shifting on the bed, I made a little noise to let him know I was still with him.

"I've told you before that I _never_ considered going outside my marriage until I met you," he said. His voice was an obvious plea for me to believe him, which I did. We had discussed this in the past. "Even within my apathetic complacency, she was my wife and the person I had committed my life to. But there was some spark with you that I had never felt before. I had a few beers that night, but the moment I began talking to you, it was a completely different kind of intoxication. My decisions began making themselves and I was just…powerless to that draw I felt toward you. All I knew was that I _needed_ to feel you, to let go of all my control and grasp at whatever piece of you I could get. So I did, and well, I don't think I need to remind you how that turned out."

"You could," I teased, trying to lighten the mood a little.

He chuckled in response, seemingly understanding my intent. "Yes, I could, but if I relived that night in my mind right now, I would probably end up with my hands down my pants and I'd never get to what I want to share with you."

Edward went on to tell me what his home life was like after that first night together. There was a two week gap between then and the time he called me, and I received an unabridged version of everything that transpired during that time. He told me about how hard he tried to get me out of his head, and even about the way he tried to use sex with his wife as a distraction and means of forgetting about me. I did not want to hear about him being with her any more than he wanted to think about me with other men, but it was a reality of our situation. We needed to be able to talk about it like adults.

Honestly, I was quite stunned when he described their Saturday night dates to me. The thought of a marriage where intimacy is actually blocked off for one specific time each week was…sad. Half the beauty of sex is in the anticipation and spontaneity of the act. I could only imagine how unfulfilling it could become under those circumstances.

In a way, it made me feel a little better about what Edward and I had together. It was quite apparent that the passion we shared was something he lacked with Carissa. Again, I got the uneasy feeling that he was using me to meet his physical needs while she reaped all the other benefits of their relationship, but I knew that in reality, that's not the way things were. It was a tangled, complex mass of emotions, reactions, and actions for both of us, not just me.

I wanted him to tell me more. I needed him to, so I urged him to continue.

"Nothing was the same after I met you," he said longingly. "Every day was a struggle to do right by my family, but you possessed so many of my thoughts that it was hard to just live my life without your influence in there somewhere. Everywhere I looked and everything I did could somehow be related back to you. It didn't matter what it was, my mind always strayed back. That's when I knew I had to explore that thing further."

"I have another question," I said hesitantly. I was extremely nervous about this one. "This has been really hard on me, you know?"

"I'm sure," he agreed.

"Well, I never broadcasted what we were doing, but since we met, a very small handful of people have known about us. One was Rose, of course, and recently I've spent a lot of time talking to Emmett and Jasper. They have both been able to help me dissect my feelings and work through everything."

A sigh of relief emanated through my earpiece. "I'm so glad you've had understanding people to help you."

"Me too, and through our conversations, they have both been able to help me recognize things I never did before. That's sort of what I want to ask you about."

"Sure, go ahead," he told me.

"Jasper pointed out that, from what I remember, you never actually told me that you were _in _love with Carissa," I said, trying not to sound accusatory or rude. "You talked about loving her and loving Finn, but never about being in love. Looking back now, it feels like you were staying more out of obligation than anything else. Is that all true?"

For a while, all was silent again. I had more questions, but I knew I needed to hear his answer first. As he thought about the things I just said, my mind overflowed with memories and conversations we had shared at various times throughout our relationship. I had taken to calling it our relationship lately because, regardless of the situation, it _was_ a relationship. Referring to it as an affair had absolutely no appeal to either of us.

"No, I'm not in love with Carissa. Not the way a husband should be in love with his wife," Edward admitted with carefully chosen words. His admission was heavy, and it was clear that he felt some guilt in saying that aloud. "It took you to make me recognize that. It wasn't just that we were involved and I was unintentionally falling for you. The root of that issue went back a long way.

"Combined with the fact that I couldn't seem to stay away from you, everything had a way of intensifying.

"I tried Bella, I truly did. I wanted to have the perfect little family and happy marriage, but it wasn't happening. It still isn't. You became my buffer and my distraction, and so much more than that. The time we spent together became the highlight of life aside from Finn. Seeing you and being with you made everything a little bit better."

His words were nearly oppressive in their weight, and although they were insightful, they didn't make things any less complicated at this point. If nothing else, at least I was now getting a better understanding of what was happening in his life during all those months we spent together. Maybe someday I would share some of my own story with him. Maybe not.

"Well," I began when he seemed to have ended his current train of thought. "I think we can get into all those details another time, maybe." I didn't realize it right away, but by saying that, I had inadvertently committed to speaking to Edward more often in the future. That made me a bit nervous, but I pushed it aside to focus on the present. "Why don't you tell me more about this marriage counseling thing and how that all came about."

"I can do that," he affirmed. "Like I said before, it really started when you and Jacob decided to date.

"When I thought that things were over for good and that I wouldn't ever see you again, I resolved to fix things with Carissa and Finn. I could never make up for what I had done, but I could help us get back on the right track. It seemed like a logical thing to do. Marriage takes work, and I tried to convince myself that if I worked hard enough, we could have that kind of love that was on fire. We would need outside help in order to identify and mend our dull issues, so the counseling was my idea."

In a way, I was surprised, but at the same time, I could understand his motivation. While I attempted to move on with Jacob, Edward was patching holes in his home life.

"Tell me about it," I requested.

"Okay, well, I brought it up the next day after seeing you. I was a fucking mess when I got home, and I barely spoke to Carissa. She tried to figure out what was wrong with me and ended up assuming I lost too much money at poker with the guys. I didn't tell her that I had skipped out that night."

As I listened, his honesty astounded me. In the past, we had danced around our deep-seated emotions so much. We shared bits of affection between the sex and conversation, but we were never so direct when it came to the serious things. It made it easier at the time, or so we thought, but we were both worse off in the end. It was such an impossible situation that there really was no right way to go about things.

I found myself wanting to continue with this. Even with all the talk of Carissa that made my insides feel worse than any illness I ever had, I wanted to _know_. Edward was finally allowing me into his head and his heart, and I didn't want to do anything that would hinder this opportunity. So I listened intently.

"The next day was no better," he continued. "All I could think about was that god awful goodbye and everything that had happened or been said. I kept seeing you crying, and I couldn't rationalize how this could possibly make you happy when you were that emotional. On the other hand, I knew there wasn't anything I could do about it. You made your decision, and I had no right to try to hold onto you. After everything you dealt with being with me, it wasn't my place. I had promised you I would let go if you found someone else.

"And of course, the _other_ parts of that evening plagued my mind. I've never felt so…desperate. It was crazy and irrational, but it was us and that was all that mattered. So with all those things in my head, I had to find a way to force them out and move along. I couldn't be with you, so I knew what I needed to do. On Wednesday night, I told Carissa that I wanted us to go to counseling."

"How did she take that?" I asked. That's a pretty intimidating thing to spring on someone, and there was a chance it would not have been well received.

"Honestly, we agreed almost immediately," he said. "We both knew that things hadn't been right with us for a long time, even if we never addressed it. As time passed, we were becoming more detached, and we understood that if our relationship went sour, it would have a terrible impact on Finn. It seemed like such a waste to give up on each other after all the years and things we had been through together."

I wondered about his past with his wife. She was never really a topic of conversation, only ever coming up in passing when we were together. Finn was frequently discussed by his proud daddy, but never Carissa. He told me they had been friends for a very long time, alluding to the fact that they knew each other as kids. That could mean practically anything, but I could never bring myself to seek out those answers or even consider them. Were they high school sweethearts? Did they date and break up several times? What was the bond that kept them together?

I kept up my role as the discerning audience as Edward provided more details about the initial stages of counseling. From what he said, it helped them get along better and gain back some of their compatibility. Instead of focusing on things outside their home, they both learned how to prioritize and give each other and their son the appropriate amounts of attention. Their counselor worked with them to help improve communication first and then intimacy.

I really didn't want to know about those kinds of things. Edward wasn't mine to claim, but knowing that he was with someone else made me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

"There's something else you should know," he told me, his voice lowering and the pace of his words decreasing.

"Go ahead. You can tell me anything. Honesty, right?"

"Right," he agreed. "It was never the same. I mean, here's the thing…" He drifted off, a groan of frustration rumbling in my ear.

"Go on, Edward. It's okay; just say whatever you need to say."

"I'm going to sound like a total douche for it, but in all the years we were together, the sex was never even a fraction of what it felt like with you. Wow, how much of a fuckwad does that make me?"

I wanted to giggle and tease him about my skills, but that kind of response would not be appropriate or tactful at the moment. Still, it was nice to feel something so lighthearted for once. Instead, I urged him to keep talking.

"It just got worse when you and I were…involved. I mean, she's my wife, so I couldn't _not_ have sex with her, and I mean, I wanted to…"

"Edward, it's all right. We both knew what we were, and we both knew that we were sexually active with other people. You're not going to make me upset."

"Thanks," he whispered, sounding surprisingly vulnerable about the subject.

"Truth is, I can count on one hand how many times Carissa and I had sex in the three months you were dating Jacob."

"Wow," I gasped softly, hoping he didn't actually hear that, but I knew he did.

"The last time we were together was before I saw you at the bar. I just…can't."

Gulping, I prepared for my own admission. "Me either," I whispered.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really," I replied. "I guess I just haven't had any interest, you know? It almost feels like it would be a waste of my time. It wouldn't even be worthwhile."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, taking in everything that we had just shared. It amazed me how much sexual tension could pass through the invisible line connecting our cell phones.

After some unmeasured amount of time, Edward's voice broke the quiet stillness.

"I told her I cheated," he said softly, but clearly.

"What?" I practically shouted, jumping up from my prone position on the bed. "Oh my god…What did you say? What did she say? What's going on now?" I begged for information.

"Our marriage is over, Bella. We're still together, but there's nowhere to go from here. The counseling wasn't working as well as it should have because I was still hiding things from her. I didn't want to admit it then because I didn't want to let you go. If I could hold onto that information and those memories for myself, a piece of you could still be mine. Do you understand that? I couldn't give you up. If I told her about you, the counselor would have me say it was wrong and try to get me to work on another 'issue' we had, but I didn't want to work on it."

Feeling absolutely stunned, I could only listen.

"I could have stayed with you that night in May. Carissa and Finn were out of town and I was on my own. I could have stayed, but after everything that happened to you that day and what we did, I needed to step back and regroup. I knew you would need a little time to sort through all your feelings as well, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that would be it for us, no matter what you said. We both just needed some time to think.

"When Carissa got home, I told her that I had cheated…that I had an affair. I left out our most recent time together and all the details our relationship, but just telling her it happened was enough. She was hurt, of course, and our counseling session the next day was a mess.

"All I could think about was how I was letting you slip through my fingers again, and I needed to talk to you. I thought I would call and tell you and things would be…well, I didn't know what things would be. I just needed to tell you how much I wanted you. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but these are not the circumstances I ever imagined."

I laughed sharply at that thought, but there was no humor in my tone. It was the laughter of irony and heartache.

Then it dawned on me, the thought from the beginning of this long conversation. He was still there. He was still living at home and nothing had really changed. We were talking, but he had done nothing to change the circumstances. I was so confused about everything.

"Edward, what does all of this even mean?" I asked, feeling my earlier comfort slipping away as I tried fruitlessly to hold onto it. "You said you want to be with me, but you're still there, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed," I sputtered as my voice became panicked and distraught. "And the worst part is, it doesn't even matter because you're still there with your son where you belong, and I'm a world away. I'm supposed to be getting over you. I don't know what to even think anymore…"

"Whoa, slow down!" he protested, the volume and intensity of his voice catching me off guard. "I _do_ want to be with you, Bella. I don't know how to make that happen right now. I don't even know if you want me that way or what you're getting from this conversation. Yes, I'm still living at home with Finn and Carissa, but we haven't slept in the same bed since I saw you. It's really complicated…"

"What are we even doing anymore? What is the point of all this?" I asked. I could feel my heartbeat racing and my eyes welling up with unshed tears. "You're there, I'm here. You're still married and want to be with your son. I can't…I can't think about this anymore tonight."

I heard some sort of loud sound in the background, followed by a muffled groan.

Startled, I asked what had happened.

"I just…punched something," Edward muttered, and the tears immediately began to stream down my face. I tried to say quiet, but he heard my little sobs and sniffles. "Shh…Bella, I don't know what's happening either. All I know is that I can't give up on us without even trying. If I let you go without making an effort, I know I'd have to live with a whole lot of regret."

My thoughts turned to what Jasper and I had talked about regarding this situation. I made this call tonight because I needed answers. There was no telling where things would lead once our telephone conversation began, but it was something I had to face. Now we were dealing with a few pieces of the fallout. Fighting back the tears, I composed myself so that we could either continue this or get off the phone altogether.

"I hate that this is so complicated," I sniffled. "I don't know what to do."

"I wish I had the answers for you. I wish I had a way to make this right without having to deal with all the difficult parts. Bella, if there is any hope for us, I won't stop trying. I know it can't all be fixed and aligned instantly, but I'm willing to do what we have to do to figure it out. Together."

"But you're still married," I protested, attempting to make him see the greatest roadblock.

"I'm getting a divorce."

I froze.

Those were words that an unspoken part of me wanted to hear, but my mind had never truly allowed me to imagine them coming from Edward's beautiful mouth. It didn't make him mine, but it changed things monumentally.

"Really?" I squeaked, immediately embarrassed about my inability to speak like an adult.

"Yes, there's no other option anymore." He sounded resigned, yet hopeful somehow. "I can't keep living a lie. Maybe it makes me a terrible person and a failure as a father, but I tried, Bella. No matter what happens from here, I can't subject my best friend to a loveless marriage, and I can't allow my son to grow up with _that _as the main example of love in his life."

"But you'll have to be away from Finn," I said without thinking. I wondered why I was so quick to defend his marriage, but I reconciled those feelings as my desire to keep Edward from hurting. Not being with his son every day would definitely hurt him. "Are you sure about this?"

He sighed, sounding tired and worn. "Like I said, it's complicated. I'll figure all those details out eventually, but I can only take this one step at a time. I'll deal with what's in front of me and then move on to the next detail."

"I just want you to be happy."

"Thank you," he whispered. "I will be, eventually, and hopefully someday I'll be happy with you."

I closed my eyes, grateful and relieved that he could not see me. My face twisted in emotional agony and scorching hot tears streamed down my cheeks. At least I managed to stay silent this time. When I felt that I could control my voice, I spoke again.

"I don't know what's going to happen or what to do from here."

"Just tell me you want me to go through with this divorce, baby. Tell me you want me to come there and be with you. Tell me anything, Bella, please."

"I can't!" I wailed. "I cannot be the one to ask that of you or make that decision. It's too big. How selfish would it be for me to do something like that? To ask you to change your entire life for something so risky?"

"You have to give me something here. At least tell me you want me. Let me hear you say it," he begged.

After a long pause, I breathed out the words quietly. "I want you."

"Ask me to be with you Bella."

"No. It's not my place. You're not mine to ask."

"Don't you get it?" he asked harshly, but immediately calmed his tone. "I _am_ yours. I need to know that there's still a chance. Is there?"

I nodded at the same time that I whispered my shaky, "yes."

"I can live with that…for now," he said, laughing lightly. "I love you, Bella. I'm doing this for you."

Shaking my head to myself, I decided that this would be a good time to end our conversation for tonight. We still had so many things to discuss, but there was too much to take in right now. "It's late. I should go."

"Oh, well, all right. We'll talk soon?"

"Yeah, we will," I promised. "And Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"You need to do this for yourself, not for me."

* * *

_It seems that nothing ever goes my way  
Since you broke my heart when you left that day  
There's nowhere to go so just stay with me  
Cuz since you've been gone, I've been beggin' you please  
To tell me you're not alright  
And you needed to come home  
To tell me you're not okay  
And you needed me all along  
Since you've been gone  
I need to hear from you  
Since you've been gone  
__**Theory of a Deadman**_

__


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: All characters, products & songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is mine.**

**Thanks to keepingupwiththekids, isoldephi, & Vi0lentserenity for beta'ing. **

**Songs: Broken – Seether ft. Amy Lee & I Miss You – Incubus**

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"Please, Bella. Just explain it to me. You have to realize that I've wondered since pretty much...forever. With all the other stuff we did, I could not for the life of me figure out why you wouldn't do that."

"Noooooo," I whined into the phone, trying desperately to get out of this discussion any way I could. Conversations with Edward were becoming more frequent since he told me about his impending divorce, but I really did not want to get into this particular subject with him.

"Honesty," he said in an adorkable little singsong voice. It immediately made me giggle and smile widely. Rolling over on my bed, I buried my face in my pillow and screamed for a moment. "You all right there, babe?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," I huffed as I rolled back and stared at the ceiling.

"Come on, we've made a lot of progress these past few months."

He was right. Since that long, crazy conversation eight weeks ago, Edward and I had begun sharing a lot more than we ever had. He really opened himself up to me about his marriage and the counseling. It was great to finally speak without the restrictions of the past. Granted, it could get really uncomfortable when we talked about Jacob or Carissa, but it had to be said. If we were going to continue our...friendship - fuck, I didn't know what to call it anymore – then we had to work through all these other issues.

It was strange because I found myself incredibly comfortable with where we stood right now. There were always awkward moments when it was just too undefined to make sense, but we dealt with that. There were also the days one of us would _really _miss the other. They always came without warning, more a sad or lonely feeling than anything else. Those were the times it was harder to cope with this strange relationship that didn't necessarily have a future, but neither of us was willing to give it up just yet.

As of right now, Edward and Carissa were in the process of selling their house. They had taken a few extra sessions with their marriage counselor for a bit of mediation and guidance as they decided how to deal with the divorce. While she encouraged them to give their life together another chance, neither felt the will to do so. Carissa was too hurt and damaged about Edward's cheating, and Edward knew he could never love Carissa enough to give her a healthy relationship, whether I remained in his life or not.

Even though Edward and I had made promises of openness and honesty with one another, I allowed him to volunteer information about Carissa most of the time instead of asking for it. From what he told me, she was moving past the initial anger of his confession, but there was still a long way to go before she could ever forgive him. Even he couldn't blame her for that. If I found out that my best friend and husband had cheated on me, I imagine the damage would be irreversible. It was a twisted double standard on my part, considering how much I still desired Edward despite our scandalous history. In the end, Edward and Carissa's counseling continued so that they could make a plan for the future.

Where Finn was involved, they kept things incredibly amicable. Both were devoted to him and put forth extra effort to keep him as their main priority. Focusing on what was best for their son allowed them to put aside their issues and avoid unnecessary arguments over unimportant things. Honestly, the entire thing floored me; their efforts were quite admirable. I had no idea a separation and eventual divorce could go so well, but Edward assured me that their mutual attitude really did make a positive difference.

I wouldn't say that I was completely comfortable with things though.

Edward was still living in the house with Carissa. It was strained at times, but he didn't give me too many details about things. Even though it bothered me, I couldn't exactly tell him what to do. He assured me that they were not romantically involved any longer and that he continued to stay in the guest bedroom. Finn did not know about their separation yet, as they hid the change in sleeping arrangements from their son. I thanked the Lord that I was not the one in their position. I couldn't imagine telling a kid that young about divorce, which is why I tried not to judge the way they chose to handle things, even if continuing to live together was unconventional and a bit strange. Divorce was an unpleasantly common occurrence, unfortunately, but that didn't make it any easier.

Right now, their house was on the market. They had a few prospective buyers show interest, but none of the offers they received were reasonable enough to accept. I listened incredulously the day Edward told me what they had planned to do after the house sold. They would both need to find a new place to live, considering that neither of them wanted to stay in the house they had shared, but I never expected the resolution they decided upon. He explained that they found a neighborhood in their area that contained smaller homes than theirs. There were numerous houses currently for sale, so they agreed that they would buy two smaller homes within the same development. The proximity would make joint custody of their son easier to handle, and Finn would have the freedom to see both his parents whenever he liked.

It was all incredibly complicated, as far as I was concerned. I tried to place myself in his shoes and understand the rationale for their arrangements, but it was a far stretch. I had never been a parent with the weight of child's world on my shoulders, nor had I ever attempted to maintain a friendship with someone after our romance ended badly. I felt terrible that Edward had to deal with such an arduous lifestyle now, but it was his choice. Even after he begged me to ask him to be with me, I maintained my stance. He may love me, but whatever he chose had to be his decision. Everything he did had to be for himself and for Finn. If there was a possibility that I could someday come back into his life, it would be after all the messy details of his marriage and parenting arrangements were taken care of for good.

_If._

It was too early to say what would become of Edward and me, but I liked where we were right now. Even the days that were torturous and hard.

He was becoming one of my closest friends, though I also considered Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper my best friends. There was no way for me to choose one of them over the other because they each knew and understood me in such different ways. Each played an invaluable role in my life and was precious to me.

Rosalie was my other half. She was my carefree, nonjudgmental, sweet darling. We had experienced so many fun times and relationships together that she could read me better than myself sometimes. She knew my wildest side and didn't judge me for it. I missed her terribly and continued to constantly beg her to move here.

Emmett was my oldest friend. He knew my family, my history, and all the little quirks and experiences that made me who I am today. He was my foundation and my rock. He was my bodyguard and big brother. At the same time, he didn't hover or attempt to control me. Since he was my cousin and _not_ my brother, he was protective without being obnoxious. He allowed me to make my own decisions, but offered assistance and guidance if I needed him. I knew that he shared many of those sentiments for me, too. In L.A., friends have a tendency to come and go, and having me around was refreshing and comforting to my personal giant.

Jasper was something completely different from Rosalie and Emmett. It was hard to explain our friendship in words because it was really more of a feeling with him. We had a special kind of comfort together that I hadn't ever felt with other guys. It was similar to my friendship with Emmett, but without the familial obligation. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that the sexual tension between us was nil. After we established our incompatibility as anything more than friends, we had been completely comfortable together. Looking back on my life since I first got boobs, almost every male friendship I had was riddled with flirtations and innuendo. This...wasn't. Not anymore.

Being able to speak freely about Edward to Jasper helped a lot, and I think he felt something similar when he discussed his relationship with Alice. Once again, that "outside party" thing came into play, giving us both the opportunity to talk without preconceived notions about our respective romantic relationships. Not to mention that Jasper was just an all around fun, interesting, and insightful person to have in my life.

Then there was Edward. We had always gotten along so incredibly well, save for the spats we had in the earlier days of our...whatever. Relationship? Even though I thought I was comfortable using that term at times, I still wavered on what to call us. What we had now was very different from back in the beginning.

He was undoubtedly my soul mate. We connected in emotional, spiritual, and physical ways that I never dreamed were possible. When we found time to speak, all other concerns and thoughts from my life vanished. He had a way of making my stress fall away with just the sound of his voice, and there were a number of times he shared similar sentiments with me. It was how I knew I couldn't simply let go of him. Something kept us tied together. All those times we tried to stay away from one another failed. Maybe it was our conscience and the undeniable sense of right and wrong...or maybe it was the nature of fate, always drawing us back by some magnetic attraction. Perhaps it was a combination of both.

Regardless of what you called us, we needed each other.

I wanted to speed time up and figure out what the hell would become of us, but that was also my greatest fear. Things had continuously lined up in our favor, but would we really have a chance again? I just got to California and had no intentions of leaving. Edward was finally going to be free of his marriage, but he had to stay in Washington to be near Finn. We were always stuck, always going in circles. If the future didn't somehow work itself out so that we could be together, I didn't want to know what it would hold. Instead, I would enjoy this possibly fleeting time where we were friends who were learning new things about one another and making progress in a positive direction.

Progress. My mind snapped back to Edward's request, and I finally spoke up again.

"I don't hate oral sex."

"Then why, with the exception of one time each, didn't you ever want to do it?"

"Ugh," I groaned, seriously trying to avoid this conversation but knowing I couldn't any longer. "You know that Jacob and I were basically bed buddies for a long time before we actually dated."

"Yeah, you've said that."

"Well, it was just something we didn't do with other people. Even though we weren't dating," I admitted. "And we didn't sleep with more than one person each day."

"Damn, I would hope not," he said in a tone that made me feel disgusted with myself.

When I didn't respond, he asked me what was wrong. I bit the inside of my cheek and told him how he made me feel.

"Don't you dare judge me. You don't get to judge me and make me feel guilty about that."

"Bella, I wasn't-" he started before I cut off his explanation.

"Listen, I know I did a lot of really stupid stuff in my past, even if it wasn't that long ago. Looking back on it now, I can see how slutty and reckless it all was, but at the time, I was just trying to find something – anything – that could bring me a little happiness, even if it was only temporary."

"I apologize, baby," he told me softly when my rant ended. "The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad about yourself when I have so much shit of my own that I haven't told you."

"Okay," I said, steeling myself with a breath as I came down from uncomfortable high of my defensive reaction. "I won't regret any of it because it's a part of who I am and how we met, but that's not a time in my life I wish to repeat, all right?"

"I'm glad to hear that, and I hope you're not mad at me. I know it's a double standard, but I hate thinking about you being with other people. For what it's worth, if that's what had to happen for us to meet, the sick, twisted, selfish part of me is glad for it."

We discussed it a few minutes longer, trying to make peace with our histories and work through these things together. I was beginning to recognize my insecurities that I had kept hidden behind my sexuality in the past, and Edward was helping me deal with everything in a healthy manner.

"So I'm assuming there were times you were with him the day before or after you were with me?" he asked sounding dismayed.

"Well, yeah. Can you tell me that you never had sex with Carissa the day before or after you were with me?" I didn't want to think about those things, but I knew the answer.

"I told you we only had date night on Saturdays..." He trailed off, not completing the thought, but I knew the answer anyway. There were definitely times I had been with Edward on a Friday or Sunday.

"When was the last time you guys had sex that wasn't on a Saturday?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes, Edward. Honesty."

He huffed into the phone, sounding frustrated and annoyed by my questions.

"Honestly, I don't even remember. Probably close to a year before I met you. Maybe a little more. I mean, it's not like I didn't want to back then, there was just never time, I guess."

"It's okay. You don't have to justify anything to me," I insisted. "I was just curious."

"I wasn't trying to...yeah, maybe. I don't know." He paused for a moment. "Did you ever think of me?"

My face scrunched in confusion. "Think about you? When? I think of you all the time."

"No, babe. Did you ever think of me when you were with _him_?"

"Oh my god," I shrieked. "Let's not go there."

"Tell me."

"No!"

"Honesty," he sang. Damn that cute singing.

"This is not about honesty. This is about you being a dude and wanting to one-up my ex."

I imagined he was shrugging and looking awfully smug as he chuckled in my ear. "Is that a yes?"

"Did you think of me with her?" I countered.

"Yes," he said simply, and his voice was so monotone that I couldn't figure out whether he felt ashamed, smug or embarrassed about that.

Wanting to level our little playing field, I took a deep breath and answered him in return. "Only once. It's almost disturbing how good I was at maintaining my one track mind with sex, but I did have a single slip."

"Will you tell me about it?"

"What? No! Absolutely not."

"Come on, Bella. I don't want or need details about him; I just want to know why you thought of me...and what you thought."

"Damn you, Edward Cullen!" I hollered, but I knew he could hear my humored frustration. I was hopeless when it came to resisting him.

"That's it. Tell me, babe."

"Fine," I relented in a heavy breath. "There was one time I had my hands in his hair and it made me think about you. His hair isn't as long as yours is, so there wasn't much to grab onto. It made me think about the way I loved holding onto your hair while we were together."

"Was that it?" he asked. His voice suddenly sounded deeper and softer.

I didn't reply at first, but eventually answered him. "No," I whispered into the phone.

In truth, things had gone downhill from there. With the thought of Edward and his perfect-for-sex hair in my mind, I had closed my eyes and gotten lost in an image of his body over mine, not Jake's. I tried to imagine that it was Edward fucking me, but the moment didn't last. Jacob was too broad, too hard. His rhythm was something completely different from Edward's, and he didn't smell at all like the bronze-haired man in my fantasy. It was the only time that I faked an orgasm with Jacob so that I could get things over with faster. Not that I was going to tell Edward that little detail.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Yeah?" I asked, trying to pull my mind away from sexy time thoughts of Edward. It had been too long.

"Remember the time with the beer? And the ice?"

Fuck me sideways, upside down and against a wall, how could I forget _that_?

I closed my eyes and clutched my bedspread, squeezing my inner muscles as my mind and poor, unused cooter simultaneously connected with that memory. Images of Edward licking cold beer out of my bellybutton flashed against my eyelids, quickly followed with lingering sensations of his tongue all over my body.

"Yeah," I replied in a breathy utterance. His hum in response told me he had a pretty good idea what I was feeling because of that particular memory.

He hummed again before torturing me with his words once more. "That was one of my favorite nights. I wanted to pour that beer between your legs so fucking bad and just lick and suck you all night long."

I didn't respond, but he probably heard my helpless whimper in response to his delicious dirty talk.

"But then I got distracted with the ice, and well...I'm sure you remember, don't you?"

"Oh yeah," I mumbled, thinking of the way I'd twisted myself around his body in some crazy, acrobatic position as he drove into me while drops of icy water dripped over my..._oh dear god_. I needed to stop this immediately.

Clearing my throat, I tried to snap him out of the sex fog.

"What are you wearing tonight, Bella?"

"Oh no, we're not playing this game," I snapped, trying to be firm. "I will not have phone sex with you."

"Are you sure about that?"

Needing to cut this off before things went way too far, I quickly told him I had to go and hung up the phone. I hated ending our conversation that way, but I would give into him if I stayed on the line.

As it was, my hand ended up down my pants within minutes anyway.

_Damn him._

….................

As fall set in, the weeks seemed to fly. Things did not slow down at the club at all, so I was just as busy as always. Apparently, this was a year-round occurrence. I guess that's life in Los Angeles. There was still a lot for me to get used to, but it was coming along little by little.

Even though the majority of my time was spent at the club, I managed to enjoy the city a little more than I had in my first month. I was feeling very acquainted with the area, and I was beginning to make friends. I had a great working relationship with most of the bartenders, which really helped on busy nights. Once I began relating my bartending experiences with theirs, we were good. Bartending can be extremely demanding, especially in a fast paced club like Rendezvous. It's easy to feel like you're being attacked or under appreciated by cocktail waitresses, especially the ones who catered to the V.I.P. guests. I assured them all that I was on their side and helped coordinate an arrangement so that one specific person could tend to V.I.P. orders while the others served the rest of the crowd.

No matter how much time passed, it still felt a bit surreal. I had met so many famous people, and relaying those stories to Rosalie was one of my favorite pastimes. Edward even got to hear some of my gossip from time to time. For the most part, people were friendly and nice to me and toward most of the crowd. They just wanted to come out and have a good time with their friends, get a little – or a lot – tipsy, and garner a bit of attention along the way. While some could be serious twatwaffles, it was generally pretty entertaining. On numerous occasions, I was tipped with free tickets to professional sporting events. I even got to attend a movie premiere once. It was pretty crazy that this was my life and even crazier that Emmett had been doing this for several years. He was actually _friends_ with numerous famous people.

One of my favorite people at the club was Maggie. We clicked almost immediately after meeting and since then had spent a pretty decent amount of time together. I was inclined to believe that she was a pretty cool chick between the unique career and all the tattoos, and the more I got to know her, the more I liked her.

She had grown up in Ireland until she was twelve years old, then her family moved to Africa as missionaries, spending the majority of their years in South Africa. She attended special schools for missionary's children, which meant that her school friends came from all over the world. She said that there was so much diversity that no one could ever really be singled out as the minority in their classes. Their community was so tight-knit that she still talks to many of those people.

Music was a huge part of their schooling, and through her international classmates, she discovered world music in a variety of forms. It intrigued her to the point of experimentation with different sounds and genres. A computer program allowed her to play around, but it wasn't until she entered college that she truly became a DJ.

After a year of university back in Ireland, Maggie decided to transfer to the U.S. to complete her schooling. She attended NYU for International Business and Spanish, of all things, and lived the New York lifestyle for a year after graduating. By that time, she was DJing regularly at a small club. When her college friend Alice wanted to make the big move from New York to L.A., Maggie went along for the ride.

Yes, that's right. Maggie and Alice are close friends.

Apparently, Alice began pursuing her music career while Maggie landed the job at Rendezvous several months after they had come to the West Coast. Long story short, Maggie got Alice the bartending position to help pay the bills between performing at little bars and clubs.

It was during that time her friend Alice was signed by a small record label affiliated with one of the larger companies. That was when she went from Alice to Ali, as the executives thought Ali would be a catchier, more fun name for a female acoustic singer-songwriter. Alice agreed for a while, even going so far as to use the name in all other aspects of her life to help her get used to it. A few months ago, Alice was able to break her contract with the label and sign with a company who didn't want to change her image, style or music to turn her into another pop singer. Now I understood why she had been so oddly pissed off about me calling her Ali.

Knowing that Maggie and Alice were such good friends was a little weird at first. I wasn't sure when it was okay to hang out and when I should avoid Alice to stay on the safe side. Thankfully, Maggie made a great mediator, and she truly wanted us all to be friends eventually, if that were possible. I didn't think it was, given the verbal assault and the lack of trust Alice had for me, but at least there was someone else in the middle, besides Jasper, who could reason with her when necessary. I didn't dislike Alice, but I didn't really have a reason to like her either. For Jasper's sake, I did want to.

An opportunity came that month when Alice was performing on a Sunday night. With the club closed, it was the first time since I had moved that we could all go together. Emmett, Jasper, Maggie and I were all there, along with a number of the security guys and bartenders from Rendezvous.

To say I was impressed with Alice's performance is a pretty big understatement. Her voice was smooth and sweet, but definitely not suited for manufactured pop music. I could not imagine who would come up with such a ridiculous idea. Her songs had a folk edge about them, but not to the point they would alienate listeners who were not really "into" that particular genre. I found myself lost in her lyrics, the soft addition of her guitar and a few other acoustic instruments created a gentle atmosphere.

We were all enamored and impressed, and after her set, Alice came to join all of us around the table we had procured. She was not the usual high-strung woman I had been around thus far. This Alice was more soft spoken, had a better overall attitude, and she wasn't a total bitch all night. It was refreshing to see her in her element.

We all hung out until the bar closed and then headed back to our respective homes for some much needed sleep. Before leaving, I bought one of Alice's CDs as a sort of peace offering. She actually smiled at me when I tucked it into my purse and thanked her.

..............

Rosalie and I still talked on the phone every single day, sometimes several times. It wasn't getting any easier to be away from her, but I held out hope that she would eventually change her mind about joining me here. She was going through a slump and had been mentioning that she wanted to start taking more than one or two classes a semester. Money was still tight for her, but if she could secure a loan, she would be able to transfer out of community college and go full-time at one of the universities in the city. In the meantime, she was working her butt off to save every penny possible as she focused on a final decision for her major.

It was hard to hear about her struggles and stress without being there to hug and reassure her. I worried about her. From the sound of things, Felix wasn't providing the kind of support she needed, though she never really wanted to talk about that. She may not have specifically told me that they were having problems, but she didn't need to. The bickering about little things he had done or said were all the clues I required to put it together. My continued friendship with Garrett also gave me an extra set of eyes there.

As for Garrett, he seemed to be quite happy with his Kate and her kids. He sounded like such a different person than the one I left back in May. His personality was still there, but he was, dare I say, a bit more tame and mature. It was equal parts amusing and heartwarming that the right woman could do that for him. He had absolutely no doubts about dating a divorced woman with children, and while he didn't try to come in and be their "new daddy," he made it a point to spend quality time with them. He loved them because he obviously loved Kate, even at this early stage of their relationship. I was so proud.

I was in my office at Rendezvous one Thursday afternoon when my cell phone rang and I saw Rosalie's name on the screen.

"Hey babygirl, what's up?" I asked cheerfully, setting down my pen and abandoning my work temporarily.

"Drama. Ridiculous, stupid, annoying drama caused by the world's biggest asshole."

"Oh no, what happened?"

"I dumped his dumb ass, that's what happened," she said bitterly.

I asked her to explain, and after going off on a few tangents, she finally got to the point.

"He's been an incorrigible dicktard lately, and I finally had enough. He asked me to move in with him last month, but I wasn't sure. We haven't exactly been on the best terms lately, you know?"

"Wait," I said. "Move in with him? Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"I don't know, Bella. I thought I did, but that's not the point." I sighed at her rapid words and shook my head as she continued the story. "So anyway, we fight about the stupidest shit, and he wants me to move in? For what? Better access to the bickering? Fuck no. I need my space and time away from him."

"That sounds like it was a pretty good warning," I interjected. She agreed.

"For real. When I put it off and wouldn't commit to the move, he started being especially shitty to me. Like, we'd go out with the guys, and if I'd go to the bar to get a drink, he'd start flirting with some other chick."

I gasped. "Get the fuck out! Did you beat any bitch ass?"

"No," she said with a loud sigh. "It was tempting, but I knew all of those girls, while total whores, didn't know what they were dealing with. It was all on him, so he got the brunt of my anger."

"Good girl, honey. I wish you would have told me about this before," I added.

"Yeah, I know, but I feel like all I've been doing lately is bitching and whining to you. I didn't want to add anymore to that when you have so much going on in your own life."

"Rose, that's what I'm here for," I insisted. "Best friend. Whining, pissing and moaning, and ranting are all a part of the contract. Right under the clause about helping each other avoid ugly guys when we're drunk," I joked. Thankfully, it was enough to elicit a small laugh.

"For what it's worth, I appreciate that, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she said before pausing for a moment. "I guess that's what brings us to the present. It just got to be too much – the flirting, the attitude, the fighting. He wigged out about me staying the night at my parents' house last night, and when I went over there this morning he was being all sarcastic and cunty with me. Saying shit about why I would want to be there in the morning if I wouldn't sleep over. It was the dumbest shit ever."

I mumbled a few words of encouragement for her to go on between parts of the story, but for the most part I stayed silent and listened.

"We ended up fighting for, like, two hours straight. I can't even remember half the shit we said, but there was a lot of screaming, a few things thrown, then the stupid shit where he got mopey and tried to take it all back, which of course, I am far too intelligent to do. Once an asshole, always an asshole."

When I was sure she had finished, I spoke. "You're obviously pretty worked up still, but how are you really doing, sweetpea?"

"I'm all right, I guess. Better than I could be, you know? It was my choice, so I'm dealing pretty well. Part of me feels like it was such a waste. All that drama we went through, and in the end, we didn't even last."

"Oh honey, you guys were really happy for a long time. You can't think that way because the past is the past."

Just then, Emmett peeked into my office to remind me of our meeting with the staff about some changes in our security procedures. I offered an apologetic goodbye to Rosalie, promising to call her back the next day so we could talk about her breakup a little more.

As I went through the rest of my day and night at the club, her words resonated in my mind.

"_All that drama we went through, and in the end, we didn't even last."_

Even though I had encouraged her, the sentiment struck a familiar chord. Things with Edward were a clusterfuck of complications and uncertainty. We weren't actively trying to be together in any real sense of the word, but we maintained some level of a relationship while striving to be open and honest with one another. Neither of us was dating anyone else, and at this point, I had very little interest in doing so.

I had no idea what we were or where we were headed, but I wanted to continue down our current path. In all likelihood, we would never progress past this point. At least, that's what logic told me.

I liked it here, and I was really enjoying my career for the first time in...ever. I had never wanted to stay in the Seattle area all my life, so I wasn't planning to go back there anytime soon. Not only was Edward still in the process of ending his marriage and starting fresh, he was devoted to his son and wanted to stay near him. There had been times that Edward would show me his vulnerable side and admit how much he hated how this was going to affect Finn when their household split. It was the reason why he and Carissa agreed to buy homes in the same neighborhood, and as much as that idea weirded me out at times, I had no right to object. He had told me that he wanted to be with me, but when this planning came about, he never mentioned any intention to come here. There was so much shit happening in his life that I couldn't find it in myself to fault him for that.

Still, it left us in an indecisive, difficult position.

I couldn't commit myself to Edward, but I didn't want to be with anyone else.

I didn't want to return to Washington, and he couldn't leave.

Our lives and lifestyles were so different. Too different?

There was still so much we didn't know about one another or that we hadn't approached yet.

I contemplated many futures for both of us, but my mind could never settle on one. I was too afraid to consider a life without him and was equally frightened of how we would ever work things out in order to be together. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. The worst was the possibility that, after everything, his future might be with someone else. _That _made me physically ill every time I thought about it.

..............

The weekend went by quickly, as they have a tendency to in this business. By the time I was rested and relaxing, I was ready for my usual Sunday evening phone call with Edward. We fit small conversations and text messages in throughout the week when we could, but my Sundays and Mondays off were really our only time for any meaningful time to talk.

I settled on the patio this particular night, watching the sky fade from bright blue to the vibrant hues of sunset. We spent the first twenty minutes discussing our week, respectively. When we felt caught up, Edward approached a new topic.

"I want to tell you about Carissa," he began. I inwardly cringed, but understood that this was necessary. "When we were kids. How we met and that kind of thing. Would that be all right?"

Touched that he cared enough to seek my permission first, I gave him my approval, and so the story of Edward and Carissa Cullen began.

"You know that my parents divorced when I was a kid, and my dad ended up living in a different school district than my mom. I spent some weekends with him during the school year, and then I stayed with him for pretty much the whole summer.

"Carissa and her little brother lived in the neighborhood, and being the only kids right there, we all played together."

"How old were you when you met?" I asked for clarification.

"Carissa and I were both in seventh grade, and Vince was a few years younger than us. We went to the community pool, hung out at each other's houses, and did whatever else we could think of to occupy our time. The three of us became pretty good friends.

"When fall came, I was back to my mom's house and my school. I would still see them on the weekends I spent with my dad, so we maintained those friendships."

I thought about Edward as a kid and just how long he had known his wife. I knew a few people who had married their high school sweethearts, and it made me wonder when Edward had started dating her. I wanted to ask, but I knew he needed to tell this story in his own way. The thought of a relationship with those kinds of roots breaking up was a bit intimidating anyway.

"Over the years we got closer. Even as our social circles grew and developed during high school, we still hung out quite a bit. That was about the same time the internet blew up, so we would talk on instant messenger a lot, too.

"We were just...us. It didn't matter that I was a boy and she was a girl. We were best friends. We had known each other for so long, and all that time together meant we understood one another. If we hadn't gotten along the way we did, I'm sure we wouldn't have been close like we were. She was always there for me when I needed a friend, and I tried to do the same for her."

He paused, and I could hear his breath through the phone. It was my only sign that the line had not gone dead. Concerned that something was wrong, I broke the silence.

"Edward? Is everything all right?" I asked. "You don't have to tell me this stuff if you don't want to."

"No, baby, I do. I need you to hear this because there is so much I have to tell you, and it's important for you to understand all these details first."

"Okay. You just tell me what you're comfortable with."

"I know. I will," he promised. "It's hard not to reminisce. Even though this is the best thing for Carissa and me now, she's been my friend for so long. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable or anything. I don't know what's going to happen from here, but she will always be in my life because of Finn. It's important to me that you see she's not a bad person."

This all felt a bit awkward with the undefined relationship Edward and I had, but it was crucial for me to be sympathetic to Edward's needs right now. If he needed me to hear and know his past, I would endure it, awkward weirdness and all.

"Keep going, Edward. I'm listening," I said, supportive of the conversation.

"I had some shitty stuff happen to me in high school, Bella. _Really_ shitty. I promise that I will tell you all about it someday, but I can't do it yet," he said, and I didn't pressure him, despite my curiosity. "What happened, it was really bad. I basically lost most of my friends or pushed them away because they had no idea what I was going through. It was like I had this flashing neon sign over my head, and no one could treat me the way they had before."

My mind ran through any situation or scenario I could come up with, but nothing felt right. These ranged from high school rumors to getting arrested and from hurting someone in a car accident to hanging out with the wrong crowd.

"But Carissa was different," he insisted. "She knew everything – more details than any one of the kids I went to school with – and she still stuck by me. She was encouraging, faithful, a great listener, and an insightful advice giver. I'm really not sure how I would have made it through that time without her in my life.

"She stuck by my side when everyone else was either afraid to or didn't know how. It made us even closer than we had ever been, but at the same time, I was still so reclusive and damaged.**"**

I was glad that he was sharing with me, and I'm sure these details were very important, but I was confused. His words and sentiments were becoming cryptic, causing a sinking feeling in my gut. I could not for the life of me figure out what he was hiding or why he was holding off on telling me or why. The thought of Edward's self-loathing from whatever was in his past gave me a sickening feeling of dread. I wanted to respect him for sharing something that was obviously difficult for him to say aloud. Whatever his reasons, I had to trust him and believe that I would someday be able to put the pieces together and understand him. I fought back the desire to beg him to spill it already.

As if hearing my thoughts, he answered one of my silent questions. "I know this probably all sounds completely confusing, but it will make sense eventually. Can you wait it out with me, love? I _promise_ I will tell you when the time is right."

I agreed, and he segued into humorous accounts of the time he had spent with Carissa and her brother Vince when they were younger. I laughed at his stories, temporarily forgetting who they were about and relishing his joyful memories of easier, less complicated times with him. He insisted that I share some of my childhood stories, and I had plenty of my own from my time with Emmett when we were kids and during the summers I would spend here in L.A. with him, Uncle Carlisle, and the wife of choice at that given time. Our childhood memories were so different, but they shared the common thread of youthful innocence and experiences we looked back on fondly.

It turned out to be a lot of fun swapping stories. I will admit that it felt incredible to laugh that much with him, even if it had been prefaced with a little awkward insight into his relationship with Carissa.

The sky was dark by the time our call drew to its completion for the night. As always, I still had so many questions, but I didn't push. We both enjoyed the light tone we shared. As we said our goodbyes, Edward departed the same way he had made a habit of doing.

"I love you, Bella. I'll talk to you soon."

When the call had ended, I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. With a deep breath in and out, I whispered my words to no one at all.

"Me too."

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_I know I'll see you again  
Whether far or soon  
But I need you to know that I care__And I miss you**  
Incubus**_

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**E/N: Edward's reference to the beer & ice is from Ch.11 of the EPOV in **_**NMTB Extras**_**. It's dirty, smutty fun =)**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**TYs to Vi0lentserenity, keepingupwiththekids, and isoldephi who are beta-geniuses.**

**Songs: Hello Lonely – Theory of a Deadman & Back Home – Yellowcard**

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The months flew by, and when Thanksgiving hit, I could hardly believe that I had been in L.A. for six months.

Emmett and I stayed home for the holiday, opting to spend it with our friends instead of dealing with holiday travel. Jasper, Alice, Maggie, and her boyfriend Rocky joined us for a feast at our condo. Only Maggie would end up with a guy named Rocky.

My friendship with her grew, and with it came added comfort around Alice. It would be laughable to suggest that Alice and I were anything more than amicable, but it was nothing like the bullshit when I first moved. These days, we could be around one another in a social setting without having an argument. There were still moments when it would be just the two of us and she would snub me or get an attitude, but I did my best to ignore her when that happened. It was better to let it go than feed into the negativity. I accepted that not all people are meant to be friends, no matter how many mutual loved ones you share.

Mom, Dad, and Esme all came down for Christmas, and since I now lived in the former guest room that Esme would have used while visiting, Emmett rented a hotel suite for our parents. They were all excited to spend some time together, as the divorce so many years prior had drawn an awkward, unwanted line between all of them. Thankfully, enough time had passed that everyone was able to look past the way things had happened. I knew my father felt especially guilty for what he considered abandoning his former sister-in-law, but she brushed off his apologies with grace and kindness. Hindsight always changes perspective, and everyone was able to focus on the present instead of things they couldn't amend. After getting reacquainted with Esme at Christmas the previous year, I was glad we could all be together.

As usual, Emmett had separate celebrations with each of his parents, but it was still nice to have everyone in the same place for the week.

The hard part was that not going home for the holidays meant I wouldn't see Rosalie...or Edward. No matter how much begging I did, Rose couldn't seem to get things together to come for a visit. I knew she was saving money for school, so I couldn't begrudge her that fact, even if it did suck.

Edward was going through a tough time dealing with the first split Christmas with Finn.

His divorce proceedings were already in place in the fall when he and Carissa sold their house and closed on their respective new homes. Their new subdivision was thankfully in the same school district Finn had been attending, and there were about two hundred homes altogether in that particular housing plan. The houses were only a block apart, close enough that Finn could walk between them. I still felt it was a little strange, but I respected both of them for keeping Finn's needs first in that arrangement. Personally, I would worry about a lack of privacy from my ex, but Edward was convinced that it wouldn't be a problem.

I wished so badly that I could have been there with him after they broke the divorce news to Finn. Edward was a mess over it because, unsurprisingly, Finn had reacted the way most children do when told their parents are getting a divorce. He was upset, blamed himself, and questioned their love for him. I hated dwelling on the details because I remembered what it was like when my mom took her marriage hiatus when I was a child. It tore Edward apart to see his son hurt that way and know that he was at fault. All I could do was remind him that he tried the marriage counseling route and it didn't work. The final decision to get a divorce was a mutual one between he and his wife, and Finn would need both of them to stay strong and focused through this process. He thanked me profusely for the support, but it still felt a bit strange to be the one holding his hand, so to speak.

It was late February when Rosalie came to visit for the first time. Edward had called on our way home from the airport. He was having a particularly rough time after Finn left for Carissa's house because the boy had not wanted to leave his father. In keeping with their agreement to split their time with Finn fifty-fifty, Edward really didn't have a choice in the matter. He was beating himself up over practically forcing Finn to return to his mom.

Rosalie and Emmett, who were in the car with me, were both very understanding and didn't object when I locked myself in my bedroom after returning home.

"Edward, I'm sure there were times when you were a kid that you didn't always want to go back to your mom after being with your dad, right?"

"No, yeah, there were, but this is different," he objected.

"Tell me how."

"I've…fuck, Bella. I've screwed so many things up in my life. Why couldn't I get this one damn thing right? He's my son. He deserves more than this." I could hear the severe pain in his voice, and I knew that he needed some perspective. There was no quick fix for this situation, but I did what I could for him.

"You can't keep going backward with this," I said firmly. "Your decisions have already been made. You said that this was the only option left, so now you have to remain focused on the future. If you continue to look over your shoulder and try to fix a marriage that's already over, you're not going to get anywhere."

"I hate this," he ground out, obviously through a locked jaw. Despite the frustration, he sounded as though he was on the verge of tears. It ripped me apart inside. I knew it wasn't truly my fault that Edward and Carissa had separated, but when he was down like this, it was hard not to feel a little responsible.

"This is going to take time, Edward. Try to remember what it was like when your parents split. Can you do that?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, well, you just need to remember the things your parents could have done to handle the situation better…and try to think about what you could have done to cope with it in a healthier way," I said, attempting to make my voice soothing and kind. "_Use_ that perspective to make it easier for Finn than it was for you. And, you know, you've said counseling helped you and Carissa deal with one another in a healthy manner, so maybe you can do something similar for him. Just think about it."

I sat on my bed waiting for his response. A few long minutes passed, and his silence began eating away at my insides. It was those kinds of moments that made me wish I could physically comfort him. I wondered if Edward had any friends at home that he could discuss Finn and the divorce with.

"You all right?"

"Not really, but you're right," he replied tiredly. "You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you. Seriously."

"No thanks necessary," I said, smiling.

"I should let you go. Weren't you going to get Rosalie from the airport?"

"Yeah, we're home now. You actually called while we were on the freeway."

"Shit, baby, I'm sorry. I don't want to take away any time from your friend. I'll let you go."

"Don't feel bad," I insisted. "Rose understands."

"Well, make sure you tell her I said thank you for letting me borrow you for a while."

"I will."

"I love you, Bella. I'll talk to you soon."

As always, I held the phone to my ear until he ended the call. When I heard the line cut out, I completed my part of the ritual.

"Me too," I whispered.

"What?"

"Holy shit!" I yelped, practically jumping off my bed.

"Wait, what did you just say, Bella?" Edward repeated.

_How was he still on the phone? I heard it click!_

"I…uh…umm…" I stuttered, completely shocked and unsure of what to do or say next.

"Did you just say, 'me too'? Did you, Bella?" he asked urgently.

My heart was in my throat, and I could hear my breaths coming rapidly and very loudly into the phone.

"Yes?" I squeaked. I wasn't sure whether I meant it to be a statement or a question, but it came out as the latter.

To my surprise, Edward was laughing. It wasn't amused or humored laughter; it was a joyful, happy laugh. A small smile broke on my face in return.

"Please say it," he breathed once the laughter had faded. "God, you have no idea how badly I want to hear it, baby."

I stumbled and stuttered over my words a few more times, and Edward encouraged me all along. There was no way I could deny him this. It was the truth; the absolute, unquestionable, wonderful yet torturous truth that I could no longer run from. I hadn't verbalized it to him out of my sense of self-preservation, but there was no denying how I felt. After the heavy conversation we had just shared, I knew those words would mean so much to him.

"_Please_," he begged one final time.

"Yeah, all right," I replied, nodding even though he couldn't see me. My hands were shaking so much that I had to fist one in my bedspread while the other held onto my cell phone. "I…love you. I love you too, Edward."

Just like that, it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted and I was free.

"_Thank you_, Bella," he sighed. "That is the most amazing…I'm just…you have no idea how happy I am right now."

We probably could have stayed on the phone for another six hours after that, but we ended our call a few minutes later since I needed to get back to Rosalie. I made my way out to the kitchen, still feeling stunned, dumbfounded, and all-around pleased.

"What's with the big dumb smile there, Belly Button?" Emmett asked. "Was that call just an excuse for phone sex?"

Rosalie smacked his arm at the same time that I scowled and gave him the stink eye. "No, you hairy gorilla. There was just something a little, umm, unexpected."

"Like what?" Rosalie asked, smirking at me conspiratorially. "I want deets here, missy."

I shook my head at them, but it was useless. They eventually dragged the truth out of me, and their reactions were priceless. Emmett looked concerned but still smiled back at me. Rosalie hugged me and muttered something like, "It's about time."

We didn't dwell on it for too long. Thinking about Edward was incredibly distracting, and I was still quite stunned that I had actually told him how I felt. Even after all this time away, my feelings hadn't changed. It took some extra effort, but I did well with pushing thoughts of him away for the time being. Rosalie was only staying for a week, and I didn't want to waste any of our time together.

Having her with me again was wonderful. There really weren't words to describe how refreshing and comfortable it was to spend quality time with my best friend again. The February weather wasn't the greatest, but it was still very nice, all things considered. She definitely enjoyed February in California more than the winter months in Washington. I showed her around the city and all my favorite places, and we took her out almost every night. I had made more friends since moving, and several of them joined in with the usual crowd to give Rose the full L.A. experience.

We spent several nights at Rendezvous, and there was no doubt that Rosalie loved it there. She got to hear both Maggie and Jasper DJ, she met more celebrities and professional athletes than we could remember, and it was an all around good time. She even stepped behind the bar for an hour one night when things got busier than usual. Emmett, who had seen her bartending skills back in Washington, was quite impressed with how well she worked under pressure.

Alice and I were getting along even better than a few months prior. Thanks to Maggie and Jasper, I was able to see her in a different light. If two people I liked and cared for so much could see something redeemable and worthwhile in Alice, I wanted to see past the issues we had. The more I saw her with Jasper, the more I understood that she loved him fiercely. Despite being a little volatile at times, they brought out a special light in each other's eyes. I wouldn't go so far to call Alice my friend, but we got along enough to feel comfortable in the same space. Once she accepted that nothing significant happened with Jasper and me, and that he wanted her above anyone else, her insecurities and fears faded. Her music career was taking off, and I was happy to support her, even if we would never be close. It was a fact I had accepted long ago.

We were all excited that Alice had a show while Rosalie was in town so that my best friend could see her play. That was the night Rose ended up in Emmett's lap at the bar. She mysteriously disappeared when we got home that night, and by the time she crawled into bed with me, I had long since been asleep.

That particular development was incredibly amusing for me, while equal parts exciting and gratifying. For as long as I had known Rosalie, I had been telling her that they would be a good match, but things never seemed to line up for them. I could see that telltale spark of attraction the first time they met, but the circumstances weren't right. Now that they were presented with the opportunity, my prediction seemed to be coming true. It made me giddy just thinking about my favorite people finding a little bit of happiness together.

Seeing the lovesick affection in Emmett's eyes when Rosalie was around, I was not the least bit surprised that he suggested she come back and spend the summer with us before her fall semester of school began. I was even less surprised when she agreed that it would be a good idea and started discussing the details. With the promise of a bartending position at the club and a place to stay, Rosalie's decision was made before I could even blink.

No matter what her motivations, whether they were me, Emmett, or a combination of both, I didn't care. As long as my babygirl was coming to spend a significant amount of time with me, I would be happy. It would allow me – and perhaps Emmett – to sink our claws a little deeper and maybe convince here to make a permanent move.

Either way, there were a few months in between her visit and the summer. Anything could happen, so I only allowed myself a small amount of fantastical scenarios of playing Maid of Honor in Rosalie and Emmett's wedding. I didn't mention such daydreams to either of them…yet.

After a tearful goodbye at the airport, Emmett guided me back to his Jeep where I proceeded to pout and blubber about how much I missed Rosalie already. Once I got through that, I noticed the forlorn look he wore and began teasing him about _his_ disappointment in that parting. The goodbye kiss and long embrace they shared had been more than friendly…

Channeling my best _Miss Congeniality_, I began singing to him. "You like my beeeeeeest friend. You want to kiiiiiiiiss her. You want to looooooove her!"

"Nuh uh," he countered oh-so-eloquently, which I teased him about even more. "What do you expect? Girl is a stone cold fox."

I laughed hard at his lame description, but it was actually really cute.

"Ladies just can't resist the dimples," he added with a cocky shrug.

"You're such a jackass," I said, rolling my eyes. "But I like this pairing, so don't go and do anything stupid. I know where you live, buddy."

We bantered a little longer about the new love connection, but he knew that I approved. Circumstances wouldn't really allow much to develop until summer, so it was all up in the air anyway. Then again, I was one to talk, considering that I had been on a grand total of two dates since moving to California. Two dates that fizzled before the night was over, I might add. It wasn't that I hadn't tried to move on from Edward, considering that our situation was still looking impossible, but I had honestly lost interest in the dating and hook-up game. At first, it was difficult to get used to not having sex nearly every day, but as time passed, it wasn't so bad.

There had been opportunities. I had been asked out a number of times and had even given a couple guys a shot, but no one held my interest. Emmett worried that I was damaging myself emotionally by holding out for Edward, yet I never saw it that way. Perhaps it was a combination of things – the personal growth I was making, my lifestyle changes, _and_ the hope that maybe someday, Edward and I could be together.

A part of me missed the constant affection I had grown accustomed to back home, but I recognized that anything or anyone I pursued would probably only be a distraction. I didn't believe that I _couldn't_ feel a spark with someone else, I just hadn't. If I thought there was a possibility for something real with another man, I wouldn't rule it out, but that wasn't happening. In the meantime, I understood that a little time as a true single woman was good for me. I was getting to know myself again, and it was making me a stronger person. I was…happy to be unattached.

While my friends worried that I was missing out on life, it never felt that way to me. I was pleased with who I was becoming. Instead of centering my life on the attention I could garner from men and using it as a measurement of my self-worth, I was now focusing on being an all around better person. I had used my sexuality to regain my confidence after James, but I no longer needed to use men that way. I found contentment in other places, and my old vices slowly lost their luster.

I still missed Edward and often felt quite lonely when our telephone conversations would end, but it wasn't quite as agonizing as it used to be. We were going through so much in our respective lives, and I finally believed that we were both less broken than we had been a year ago. I had learned so much about myself, about Edward, and about the way we functioned in our friendship.

There really hadn't been time to talk since Rosalie arrived, so I sent him a text and set up a phone date after Emmett and I returned home from the airport.

"Hey," he said after answering on the first ring.

"Hey," I replied lightly.

"I've missed you this week."

"You too. A bunch."

"Yeah? Tell me about your visit with Rose."

We spent a good forty-five minutes discussing everything we had done during her brief stay. In that time, I had changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, and painted my toenails. As I settled into my bed and that part of the conversation lulled, Edward brought up something new.

"I think it's time I told you about high school," he said, but I really had no idea what that meant at first. As I thought it over, I remembered him once telling me that something bad had happened to him in high school, and Carissa was the only person who really stuck by him. "Please just hear me out, and remember that I was a kid when all this stuff happened. I made some stupid mistakes, and if I could go back and do things differently, I probably would."

"Hey," I interrupted. "I have no idea what you're talking about, so why don't you go ahead. I think I can handle whatever it is you have to say, all right?"

"I know you can. It's just been a really long time since I've had to tell anyone about this," he said. "Honestly, I've never actually told anyone outside my family about it. The only people who know the full story are my family and Carissa's, and that's because she's always been around."

"I'm listening. Go on, Edward."

"Okay," he agreed, taking a big breath and blowing it out loudly. "I just don't want you to think less of me for being a stupid kid. I've really fucked up a lot in my life."

After reassuring him several times that it was highly unlikely that my feelings or opinions of him would change based on whatever he had to say, he finally relented and began.

"You remember what it's like to be in high school. I don't think I was all that different from anyone else my age. There were people who drank and those who didn't. Some people smoked pot or maybe even dabbled in harder drugs and others chose not to. Many of my classmates were having sex. Most were in relationships, but it wasn't unusual for hook-ups to occur outside those boundaries. All the same, I also knew people who carried their virginity with them to college.

"We were all different, but we were all the same. No matter what choices we made, everyone was just trying to figure out who they were, and have a good time along the way. High school is discovery and survival when you have no idea what real life is actually like."

"Yeah, I completely agree with you about all of that," I said, trying to offer some comfort as he continued. "High school was all hormones and attitude, and everyone was trying to do adult things when we had no experience to go by."

"Exactly," he replied. Assured that we were on the same page, he continued. "Well, at sixteen, my good time included having sex with Julie Summerville every Friday night when her parents had their date night. They were loaded and had a penthouse apartment in the city they would stay at, leaving Julie home with her grandma. From what she told me, Fridays were their designated time to get away from their role as parents and enjoy the theater and dinners in Seattle. To Julie's delight – and mine, for that matter – her grandmother was in bed by eight o'clock and she slept like the dead. Some nights a dozen or so of us would hang out in Julie's basement. Other nights it would just be the two of us. The result was always the same.

"Initially, it started with Julie and me making out at keg parties our freshman year of high school, but over the summer before tenth grade things escalated. Instead of just meeting up randomly when someone had a party, I started going over to her house on Fridays. The added privacy of her bedroom gave way to further…experimentation, and we eventually settled into a routine."

I tried to imagine a teenage Edward – one who was probably a little shorter, a little thinner, and whose skin was a blank canvas without any of the tattoos he now wore. It was a humorous thing to imagine, yet at the same time, I'm sure he would have found the teenage version of me charming in the same respect.

Thinking of Edward as an inexperienced lover was another odd thought, but we all had to learn somewhere. It seemed a bit odd for him to tell me about all this so openly, but I trusted that he had a reason.

As the story went on, his tone became wistful, in a way. He was slipping into a memory, and I wondered if he even realized he was talking to me. Edward was so lost in his explanation that he reminded me of the protagonist in a play, reciting his thoughts in a powerful monologue.

"Julie was a cute little thing. I'd guess she was an average girl height with sandy blonde hair and soft blue eyes. She played on the soccer team and participated in band. She was a trombone player, I think. She had a good sense of humor and we shared friends and several classes. I liked Julie, but I never considered her my girlfriend. If she had wanted to date someone else, I don't think I would have objected. Sure, my teenage hormones would have been thoroughly disappointed, but I wasn't so possessive of her that I wanted us to be exclusive. She knew about the times I made out with Gwen Amato and Beth Linley, and I knew that Greg Prattfield fingered her the night of homecoming. I always had a feeling she wanted us to be more than just Friday night fuck buddies, but looking back on it now, I can see how her teenage girl insecurities would have kept her from telling me so.

"Are you still with me, Bella?" he asked after a brief pause.

"Yeah, I'm here," I told him. "Just listening and trying to make sure I don't miss anything important." I laughed inwardly at the way I had become as caught up in the story as he seemed to be.

"Does it bother you to hear about this?"

"No, Edward. It's in the past. It makes me wish I knew you back then. You'll have to show me pictures sometime."

"Oh man," he groaned. "It's probably hard to believe, but my hair was even crazier back then. I kept it longer, and I don't think I brushed it more than twice a week."

We laughed and joked about that for a few more minutes before Edward brought focus back to his story, and I settled in to listen again. His voice was shaky and nervous, as it had been earlier.

"Julie and I had a good thing going all through our sophomore year. That is until an unseasonably warm day in late March when she showed up at my after school job crying her eyes out and sobbing hysterically. I can remember everything about that day – the color shirt she wore, the smells in the air, the devastated look on her face.

"I took my break and we went and sat in my car. I leaned across the center console to hug her, which elicited a fresh round of tears and shaking." The story slowed suddenly, and I heard Edward take a deep, shaky breath before he continued. "After asking her at least fifty times what was wrong, she finally blurted out that she was pregnant."

"Oh my god!" I gasped.

"I know," he said in response to my reaction. He sounded tired…upset…yet somehow detached from the memory. I suspected that years of reliving that moment in his mind had caused that. I listened eagerly and nervously for further explanation. "My entire world collapsed around me at that moment, but the fear and anxiety in her voice didn't escape my notice. We were both scared shitless and at a complete and utter loss for words."

"Wh-what did you do?" I asked hesitantly. Edward had never mentioned having any children other than Finn. A painful knot formed in my stomach and my throat felt dry as I waited for his reply.

"The next day, we skipped school and just lay in her bed together all day. We cried and consoled one another, but we barely said anything. A part of me wanted to be angry, but I couldn't find it in myself to allow that. There was no way I could blame Julie for it without blaming myself, so I was forced to take responsibility. My parents had strong feelings about being accountable for your actions and had instilled those ideals in me since birth. Our family was also staunchly pro-life, as was Julie's, not that I would ever consider terminating the pregnancy. I'd never be able to live with myself if I ever agreed to that.

"Thankfully, that was Friday, and we had until Saturday afternoon to spend some time together and work out the details. Both our parents knew that we were friends, but they weren't aware that anything more existed between us. So in addition to telling our parents that they were going to be very young grandparents, we also had to admit that we'd been having sex on a casual basis. Talk about making the 'rents proud," he added sarcastically. I cringed at his self-loathing choice of words.

"Unfortunately, the only way we could think to get our parents all together was under the guise of a dinner party at the Summerville's house. Our families weren't friends, but they knew each other well enough in the community. We knew that they all assumed this arrangement was made so that we could tell them about our 'new' relationship, but in reality we had a much different kind of announcement to make."

I felt like I was going to vomit. This was Edward's story, not mine, but it still made me sick. I wasn't upset at him for getting a girl pregnant when he was so young, but my heart hurt for what they had to go through. I loved him and wanted to protect him from all forms of pain, but there was nothing, _nothing_ I could do in that moment than listen. He sounded so fond of this Julie girl, which made a part of me sympathize with her as well. My mind could not fathom being pregnant at that age. Hell, I couldn't wrap my head around what it would be like to have a kid _now_, and I'm an adult.

"Do you hate me yet?" he whispered after a long silence. The sincerity of his question broke my heart. I had to find a way to comfort him somehow.

"No, Edward, no! I could never hate you. Please don't think like that," I pleaded. "I feel awful that you had to go through that, and I want to know more, but I don't want to push you."

"Yeah, I think I could use a break," he agreed. "Would it be all right if I email you this week? It might be easier for me to explain the rest that way."

"That's fine. Whatever you need to do," I agreed even though I was dying to know what happened to Julie and the baby. "You could tell me more about Julie, or anything, really."

"Thank you, Bella. I'm so sorry that I'm dumping all this on you…that I'm upsetting you."

His tone was so self-deprecating and agonized that I started to cry, softly sniffling and sobbing into the phone.

"Please don't say things like that," I begged. "I'm not upset with you, I'm upset _for you._"

"I'm sorry," he said again, his voice strangled. I knew he was starting to cry as well, which only served to make my tears come harder and faster.

After drying my face with my shirt and regaining a bit of my composure, I admonished him for apologizing for his past. "Talk to me, Edward. You don't need to tell me any more until you're ready, but I need to know how you're feeling. I know it's not easy for you, especially if you've never told anyone about this before. It means so much that you trust me with this."

"God, I don't deserve you," he said, growling slightly. In my mind, I could imagine him pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes and gritting his teeth. He needed me and I wasn't there, so I hoped he would talk it out.

"Tell me what's on your mind, okay?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "I don't know. I want to puke. I want to break shit. I want to drink an entire bottle of tequila and sleep for a week. Fuck, Bella, I don't want to talk or think or do anything right now. I just want you here so I could hold you and forget all the bullshit in my life."

More tears fell down my face, but I battled myself to keep silent. By getting upset and emotional about everything, I was only making it worse for Edward. There was no way I could grant his wish, so I wracked my brain for some other option.

"Hey," I said softly after a few minutes of silence. "I have an idea. Hear me out, all right?"

"Sure," he agreed, defeated and tired.

Together, we chose a CD we both liked; something soft and soothing and easy to get lost in. We cued the music up together, beginning the album at the same time from our respective bedrooms. As smooth melodies and a soothing voice filled the air, we laid in our beds, separate but together, listening. We muttered brief words about lyrics or parts of the songs we liked, but there was no real conversation, just appreciation of the music. Halfway through the album, he made a request.

"I can't…I can't say anything else right now, but I need to hear your voice. Will you talk to me?"

"Sure, of course," I replied. A second wave of inspiration hit, and I retrieved my copy of _Shakespeare's Sonnets_ from my bookshelf. As he listened, I read my favorites to him, allowing the rhythmic words to soothe his pain – mind, body, and soul.

I knew he fell asleep when he stopped humming in response to the words. Smiling to myself, I hung up the phone and continued to read silently until I was tired enough to sleep. Things felt exponentially more complicated than ever, but I refused to deny how much everything about Edward affected me.

Over the next couple of weeks, we emailed more than we spoke on the phone. Edward told me more about high school and Julie, and those conversations got us off on tangents swapping other teenage stories with one another. I was anxious to find out more about what happened with the baby, but I understood that I couldn't push him. If he was being honest that he had never told this story to anyone else, then he definitely deserved the time to process things and go at his own pace. This was obviously something he kept buried deep inside, and rehashing the past couldn't be an easy task.

One day while we were talking, he decided that he was ready to go on and tell me more.

"Where did I leave off?" he asked.

"Umm, you and Julie arranged for all your parents to get together."

"Right. Well, here goes nothing… We broke the news after dinner, and Julie's dad didn't take kindly to the fact that we had been _involved_, as we put it, for quite some time before revealing our relationship to them. My mother just looked at me with wide eyes and then hung her head in shame. I could hear her whisper something about having raised me better, but I didn't draw attention to her mumblings.

"As a sign of solidarity, I held Julie's hand in my lap, and I was the one to say the words and tell our four parental figures that Julie was five weeks pregnant.

"Both our mothers cried. My father's face blanched before turning so deep red it was almost purple. Mr. Summerville leapt from his chair and sent it crashing to the dining room floor. He took three furious steps toward me, and I honestly feared for my life in those brief moments. However, as abruptly as he made his way toward me, he turned and stormed out of the room. We heard a loud crash from the den, and he didn't return for several minutes. The rest of us sat silently as Julie and our mothers all sobbed quietly into their napkins. I hugged Julie to my side and whispered whatever words of comfort I could think of in her ear."

More than a decade later, I shared their tears. Edward and Julie had been young and scared. There was probably nothing more frightening in their lives before that point, and to have their parents react in such a way must have crushed them. Imagining myself in their shoes only made my tears flow faster.

"Are you okay, Bella?"

"I should be the one asking you that question," I sniffled, trying to calm myself enough to hide the quivering of my voice. "I don't like to think that you went through something like that."

"Like I said before, it's in the past. It sucks to think it about again, but I want you to know everything about me."

"Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

"Thank you for saying that. It's exactly what I needed to hear," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Are you ready for more?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"There was a lot of yelling. _Irresponsible_, _shameful_, _immature_, _disrespectful_ and _young_ were just a few of the words that were hurled around and repeated in yells, sobs, and exhausted sighs. We expected it all. Julie and I had discussed many possible outcomes, and we had seen pretty much all of them in the hour after we made our confession. When someone would become accusatory toward either Julie or me, we came to the other's defense, leveling the playing field and dividing the responsibility evenly. The last thing either of us wanted was for the other to shoulder the bulk of the blame.

"My parents and I departed that night with very little resolved. Julie and I were suddenly thrust into a relationship and future neither of us was prepared for, and there was a lot to decide in the coming months. I laid awake in bed that night mulling over all the implications of our circumstances. I was going to be a father, a dad. I would only be seventeen years old when the baby was born and I would have a son or daughter. I realized that by the time I graduated from college, if I ever went, my child would be in kindergarten. There was no way I was ready for something so monumental, but the choice had been removed and it was happening. I was determined to stay strong and more importantly, be there for Julie in any way I could.

"Returning to school on Monday, we had made an unspoken transition into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. No one knew that Julie was pregnant, and we told no one that was the reason we took our 'friendship' to the next level. While our friends ate up the gossip that surrounded a new coupling in our school, Julie and I tried to avoid the awkwardness we were both feeling and put on a good show.

"All our acting was short-lived, though. At eight weeks pregnant, Julie informed me that her dad had taken a job transfer and they would be moving to Upstate New York in two weeks."

As I was now prone to doing during this story, I gasped in surprise and heartbreak. How could someone do that?

"Is that why you've never told me about your other child?"

"It's…part of the reason," he said slowly. "There was more to it than just moving away."

"Is it getting to be too much again?" I asked. I was concerned about him. He used to be so closed off with me. It was quite apparent that he was trying to mend that and stick to our honesty pact, but this was all pretty intense. If I was having this kind of emotional response to something that happened to him, what was _he_ feeling right now?

"It's just so hard to find the right words," he admitted. "I want you to understand that what happened was not at all what I wanted. If I would have fought harder, maybe something could have been different, but I had no idea back then what it would do to me."

"That's fine. We'll take a break." Though my words were sincere, I was dying desperately wanted to hear the rest of the story. I wouldn't push him, no matter what I wanted. It would be selfish and rude. Edward needed my support and that was what I would provide. "You can tell me the rest whenever you're comfortable."

"I think I'll need to put it in an email. Like I said, I want to find the right words, and I don't want to leave anything out. Do you mind waiting?"

"No, take as long as you need. I'll be here," I promised.

"Will you read to me again?" he asked. I smiled happily at his request, telling him that I was more than willing to oblige.

Nearly an hour later, I was tired from reading aloud and needed to take a break. We decided that it would be a good time to end our call.

"Thank you for doing that for me. You have no idea how much the sound of your voice centers me," he said sweetly. "I love you, Bella. I'll talk to you soon."

"Me too," I whispered before the line disconnected.

………………

I waited over a week for Edward's email. I checked my phone and my computer anxiously every single day, fighting back my impatience while trying to remain understanding and give him the time he needed. We still exchanged a few texts, but that was the extent of our communication.

The day that the notification popped up on my Blackberry, I wanted to drop everything and read it, but I was at work. Edward deserved my full attention, and I would give that to him. I saved it until the next morning, knowing that I could go into the office late if need be.

When I awoke, I turned on my computer and let it start up as I took a quick shower. Once dressed in comfy yoga apparel, I settled on my bed and pulled my laptop onto my thighs. Edward's email was still there, of course. I took a deep breath, and clicked to open it.

_From: Edward(at)CullenAuto(dot)com_

_To: Bella(at)RendezvousLA(dot)com_

_Subject: The truth_

_Bella,_

_It has taken me days to draft this email to you. I've missed you so much since our last conversation, but it's been hard for me to get this all down. Talking to you would have been too much of a distraction, and I would have ended up telling you instead of writing this. Had that been the case, I'm sure I would have left out a lot of important details._

_Please don't hate me for what you read here. I wish there was something else I could have done to change it, but it's done now and I can't go back in time. Maybe it's for the best, maybe not. All I know is that the road eventually led me to you, and I have faith that things will work out for us someday. I'll wait as long as it takes. I hope you believe that, and I hope more than anything that you feel the same way, too._

_So here it goes…_

_Julie was moving. Across the country._

_Despite all my fears, I was furious. It wasn't fair – not to my child or me. Her parents were taking away my choice, taking away my child. He or she may not have been created out of love or within the traditional confines of marriage, but that baby was a part of me. We deserved to be in one another's lives. They were going to move all the way across the country and my desires and wishes didn't matter. Julie and I were minors. Even if we had tried to get her emancipated, what would we do? Would she live with my mom and me? Would we be forced to quit school and get jobs to support our little family? Could we survive something like that when our new relationship was based on a pregnancy? I knew she would never do something like that. She was a scared little girl who needed her parents to take care of her and see her through this difficult change in life._

_In the end, the Summervilles got what they wanted. They took Julie and my unborn child far away from me, and there was nothing I could do about it. My phone calls were always refused, but sometimes, late at night, she would call me. She'd cry into the phone, feeling helpless and alone, hating her parents for what they had done. I was equally helpless, but did my best to stay strong for her sake. Inevitably, I'd be a mess after those calls, but never when she could hear me. I tried to comfort her with my plans. I told her that I would get another job and work every hour that I wasn't in school. I could give up playing sports in order to have more time. I would save every dime I had, and when I graduated in two years, I would move out there to be with her and our child. Community college would have to do until we could figure things out together, but it would be a start. They were desperate thoughts, but there was little else for us to hold onto._

_Months passed, and I was still an utter mess. My friends barely spoke to me anymore because I was more like a robot than a teenage boy. I lost weight, my hair grew longer than ever, and I became irritable with almost everyone around me. My parents tried to console me, to snap me out of my funk, to bring me back to life, but nothing worked. _

_The only time I felt grateful for Julie's absence was when word got out around school. Apparently, someone's mother knew someone who worked at the OB/GYN office that Julie had gone to while still in Washington. Once it hit, the gossip spread like wildfire. Most people had assumed I was torn up because my girlfriend moved away; now they understood that it was far greater than that._

_In time and with the growing pressure from her parents, Julie crumbled. They convinced her to let go of me…that I could never be a proper father to her child. She was given an ultimatum – them or me. If she chose to pursue my involvement in the baby's life, they would turn her out on her own. It was a cruel thing to do to a scared, hormonal, teenage girl, but they did it anyway. The prospects I could offer were bleak, and our roads would be paved with struggle, both emotional and financial. On the other hand, she could remain in a world of privilege if she stayed with her parents. They would be there to help and support her, and she and the baby would be provided with all the same comforts she had always known._

_Two months before she was due, she asked me to give up my rights to our son, for we now knew the child was a boy. My anger flared as I accused her of being selfish and trying to keep my son from his father. She was cold, the obvious product of months of her parents' harsh tactics. _

_For the first time since my parents' divorce, I cried on my father's shoulder. I begged him to help me prevent things, to fix this, but in the end he reluctantly sided with the Summervilles. I can still remember what he said._

"_They'll put you through custody battles for years, Edward. If they don't want you in the child's life, they'll use any ugly piece of information they can about you in court. They'll paint you as an irresponsible child, or worse, as some bitter deadbeat dad seeking retribution. You don't want your son to be put through something like that."_

"_Is that so much worse than never having a father at all?" I argued. "At least he would know I tried. That I wanted to be a part of his life. Isn't that better than believing your father never wanted you or that you were a mistake?"_

"_Neither road is ideal. Neither will give him a perfect life, but the Summervilles will ensure he has everything he needs. I'm sorry, son. Given the circumstances and the distance, I think you should do as Julie has asked. Let her rest, they'll both be taken care of now," he said with a firm hand on my shoulder. I wanted to scream, but I wasn't sure I had the strength anymore._

"_You won't fight for your own grandchild?" I asked pleadingly. It was my final bit of ammunition, the rest long since exhausted with my tears._

_He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut momentarily. Opening them again, he looked me straight in the eyes. "Edward, not a day will pass when I won't think of my grandson, but this will be our sacrifice of love."_

_Unwillingly, I signed the papers in the cold, stale office of Mr. Summerville's Washington lawyers. With that signature, a part of me died that day._

_Bella, take your time before you get back to me. I know this is a lot to process. I'll be waiting._

_Love,_

_Edward_

I was overcome with grief for Edward, for Julie, and for their son.

This new information set off a movie in my mind. Everything I knew about Edward started to come together in new ways. Fresh connections formed, revealing a greater understanding of this man than I had ever known.

Edward had always been so adamant about not losing Finn. One of his greatest concerns was being a daily part of his son's life. All good parents are attached to their children through love and devotion, but Edward's need sometimes felt as though it was to the extreme. Now it made sense.

He had lost a child. Not by death or choice, but by force. He was young and inexperienced with life, and the Summervilles used that to eliminate any opportunity for Edward to be a father to his first son.

I could now see how petrifying and disconcerting the idea of losing Finn could be to Edward.

It suddenly made sense why Edward would want to buy a house a block away from his ex-wife. All his past insecurities and present hesitations with me were clearer in this new light. After nearly a year apart, he continued to tell me he wanted to be with me, but did not so much as hint at considering a move to L.A. I had always assumed it was because he wanted to stay near Finn. Now I understood that he _needed_ to maintain that close proximity to his son.

I had no idea what this meant for the future, but it warmed my fractured heart to know that Edward trusted me so implicitly that he would open himself up to me as he had.

It made me love and ache for him more than ever.

* * *

_Another sunny day in Californ-i-a  
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it  
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away  
Before you get a chance to feel it__Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure**  
Yellowcard**_

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**E/N: If you missed it, NMTB was reviewed on the Fictionators blog! Welcome & thanks to all the new readers who found the story there. If you haven't read it, please do. I'm so appreciative of the love. I recently did some recs on The Little Known Ficster blog, so please go read those. Links for both sites are at the bottom of my profile.**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Huge thanks to my betas isoldephi, Vi0lentserenity, keepingupwiththekids.  
**

**Song: Something's Missing – John Mayer**

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A full year had passed since I moved to Los Angeles, California. Gone were the rainy, overcast days I had grown up with in the Seattle area. I was a California girl, with the tanned skin and famous pals to prove it.

As promised, Rosalie was back for the summer, and I was thrilled. I missed having her in my everyday life, so I wanted to make the most of our time together. While my bedroom became "our" bedroom for the ten weeks she was scheduled to stay, she rarely slept in there with me anymore. More often than not, she spent her nights in the bed down the hall…with my dear cousin Emmett's room. Maybe that would have bothered other people, but not me. I loved them together.

It had taken a grand total of two and a half days after Rosalie's arrival for her and Emmett to start openly making out in front of all our friends. Everyone expected it, no one cared. Well, until the groping would begin, then we would verbally abuse them until they stopped or took it elsewhere.

I didn't hide my smug, told-you-so attitude from either of them. Not that they minded. They were both so happy floating around on their new love cloud that nothing I said fazed them. They hadn't quite put it into words yet, but I could tell. Once it happened, I knew Rosalie would gush about it to me.

The summer so far had been such a great time. Nights off were sparse, of course, but working at a trendy club made up for it. Rosalie was a great bartender, as usual, and she helped Emmett and me with much of the day work around the club. The extra assistance meant fewer hours in the office for all of us and more time to spend at the beach.

We were like one big happy family.

Always my partner in crime, Rosalie took it upon herself to amp up my social life. It wasn't as though I couldn't take care of that myself, but I still had very little interest in anyone I met. Perhaps a part of me was still too hung up on Edward to move on, especially with as close as we had become, but I preferred to think that it was because I had higher standards than in the past. Most guys had very particular expectations – of the sexual nature – and I had yet to meet any man in L.A. who made me want to jump into bed with him. There were times when it was difficult to go without, but after waiting for so long, it almost felt as though I should continue to wait until I met someone worthwhile.

Rosalie and Emmett struggled to understand my rationale. They couldn't see my choices as anything other than waiting on a relationship that would possibly never happen. I told them that as long as I continued to do my job, hang out with my friends, and meet new people, I saw absolutely no problem with continuing my friendship with Edward. I knew they just worried about me and wanted me to be happy, but sometimes, it got to a point where I just didn't want to justify or explain myself anymore. Even if they didn't necessarily like my choice of not dating casually, they were my two closest friends, and I needed them to accept it.

Nonetheless, I indulged Rosalie a few times by hanging out with guys and doing something that resembled flirting, even if it was hollow. It wasn't as though Rose didn't want me to be happy, she just couldn't see a way for me to be with Edward. Her thinking had always been fairly black and white when it came to my relationships and interactions with men. She meant no offense to Edward or our circumstances; she was simply looking out for me the best way she knew how.

It was during those summer months that Edward revealed his complete history with Carissa to me, including how it tied into what had happened with Julie and the son he never met. We had recently tried video chatting, which was truly wonderful because we got to see each other while we talked, but for these conversations, we mostly stuck to the phone. I couldn't blame him for wanting to hide as he provided me with even more details of his past. It was bad enough to hear his voice crack or those deafening pauses while he was telling me about his past; it would have been anguishing to see him upset and not have the ability to reach out and comfort him.

"After I signed away my rights to the baby, I transferred into the auto mechanics program at the local vo-tech school," he told me during one of our late night phone calls. Rosalie no longer slept in my bed at all, so these had become a regular occurrence for us. "It was a beneficial choice for several reasons. It let me get out of my school for half of the day, and although there were still people who knew me there, it was less to deal with that way. Most importantly, I'd be able to start working as soon as I graduated from high school. It was a fast track to my career, and I could work and complete school for other certifications I needed at the same time. I was never quite the same person I used to be, but life gradually improved."

It still hurt me to hear Edward share details from such a difficult time in his life because there was nothing I could do to change it or make it better for him, but I appreciated every word he said. I always felt closer to him when we had these deep conversations. He didn't struggle as much as he did when telling me about Julie, but I still had the sense that not many people in his life were privy to these details of his past.

"Carissa was my saving grace. She was the one person besides my parents who knew about the pregnancy before the rumor mill hit. Never once did she judge me or look down upon me for that horrible situation. On the contrary, she was there when I needed a friend," he explained, and I paid close attention. His wife – or almost-ex-wife – had been a mystery to me for a long time, so I always listened carefully when he revealed anything about her. He had told me many stories about their friendship and camaraderie as they grew up, but I never got the sense that it was more than platonic. I wanted to understand what eventually drew them to one another romantically and thus led to their marriage _and_ what had created the fundamental, irreparable divide between them, aside from my part in Edward's decision.

"Carissa attended a different high school and she didn't know Julie, so she was outside the chaos. I could find peace and comfort in her presence. She listened when I needed to talk, whether about the Julie situation or anything else that was bothering me. When I needed to sit and say nothing at all, she was quiet at my side. If I needed a distraction, she talked or got me out of the house for a while. I'm not sure how I would have turned out if she hadn't been there for me."

"Do you guys still talk?" I asked. "I mean, other than about Finn. I can tell how close you were, and I can't imagine it's easy to just give up your best friend after so many years."

"You honestly have no idea how much it means to hear you say something like that to me, Bella. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but we're doing all right. We talk about Finn, our families, and trivial things, but we don't have the friendship we used to. Maybe in time, but there's too much that has changed."

"I'm glad you can at least do that. You said she was upset when you told her that you'd cheated. I didn't know if she would hold that against you."

He sighed, and I tried to imagine what he was doing on the other end. Rubbing his forehead? Pulling at his thick hair? Pinching the bridge of his nose? "I think it still hurts her, but she's not spiteful. We've both accepted that there was a rift in our marriage before I ever met you. I think she's actually started seeing someone recently, but she hasn't said anything about it to me."

"Have you ever told her about me?" I asked. It was a question I was quite curious to hear the answer to, but it also made me extremely nervous.

"No. She only knows the bare bones of that situation, and anything I've shared was done with the marriage counselor present. She tried to ask me early on who you were, but once I told her that it was someone she didn't know, she didn't press for details. Before you ask, she doesn't know that we still talk. That's not open for discussion with Carissa," he added with a note of finality.

"Wow, well, now I know," I said thoughtfully. "Thank you for sharing with me. Do you think you want to tell me more about you guys?"

"Sure, baby, if you're all right with hearing how we actually got together. I can't tell you much more without going there." In his carefully chosen words, I could tell how concerned he was for me.

Would learning the truth about his relationship with Carissa upset me? Yes, it probably would, in some ways, but if there was ever a chance for us to move forward, even just as friends, I needed to know.

"It's fine," I reassured him. "We've both come to terms with the fact that we had pasts before we met one another, so go ahead. It'll be good for both of us to get it out there, right?"

"Well, let's see then… Almost two years after graduating from high school, I was working in Seattle on a full-time basis. Up until that time, I had been commuting from my mom's house in the suburbs and I decided it was time to get a place of my own. I found a reasonably priced studio apartment and moved in with only the contents of my childhood bedroom.

"As I was unpacking and organizing my belongings, I came across a stack of loose photos tucked in the back of a photo album. I rifled through them, smiling at the faces of old friends and memories of simpler times. Five or six pictures into the pile I froze at the sight of one particular snapshot," he explained, and I heard him take a nervous breath.

"It was the fifteen year old versions of Julie and me on one of the Friday nights in her parents' basement," he said slowly. "We were both smiling widely, eyes glimmering with this fucking…youthful joy and innocence. We were nestled together on a tan sofa and I had one arm wrapped around her waist, while my other hand ironically lay across her stomach. It was long before the pregnancy, but the symbolism of it struck me hard. I was flooded with flashbacks of the day she told me. I remembered that after recovering from the initial shock and allowing reality to sink it, I had timidly placed my hand on her still-flat abdomen in a similar manner.

"I thought about the girl who never really belonged to me and the child I would never know. Julie and I weren't in love, but for a time, we had supported each other through the consequences of our teenage pregnancy drama. I thought of what she would have looked like with her belly round with my child; she had yet to show when her father stole away to the East Coast with her. Did my son look like me? At three years old, I had never seen a picture of him or even learned his name. With a flick of my wrist, I had signed away all rights to him," he said quickly. "Was his hair the same reddish-brown as mine? Was it as unruly? What were his favorite games, foods, and cartoons? How was Julie? Did she find someone else our child would call 'daddy'?"

I tried to decipher the emotion in his voice, but it was just so…numb, but it seemed forced. It was almost as though he was back on that day, heartbreaking memory triggered, and he was fighting it to maintain composure.

"Oh, Edward," I said, on the verge of tears for his loss, just as I had been when he first told me about Julie. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault," he replied. "Things get a little rougher from here. Are you sure you can handle me talking about what I did with other women?"

"You're already warned me. As long as you don't go into detail, I think I'll be fine. The past, right?"

"Right," he agreed. "I was an utter wreck after allowing those thoughts to infiltrate my mind. I had done so well at keeping them at bay, though they always hung in the periphery of my mind, never forgotten for a single day. Now they had come to the forefront and taken over my mind, body, and heart. I cried myself senseless. I broke things in my apartment. I got piss ass drunk at every opportunity. Up until that time, I hadn't allowed myself to become involved with any other females, but that all changed."

I wanted to hug him. I wanted to take nineteen year old Edward and hold him as he wept. I wanted to be with the Edward I knew and loved so that I could comfort him. I couldn't do any of those things, so I sat in silence and allowed him to purge.

"My drinking was out of control. Upon acquiring a very believable fake ID, I became a barfly. It didn't matter what kind of bar or club it was, as long as I could get in, get drunk, and get a woman to come home with me. Drinking and fucking my way through my misery was doing me no good, but I continued down my destructive path regardless. It went on and on for months until the night I ran into Carissa at a bar near the UDub campus. She had been going to school there, and despite our close proximity, she was so caught up in her college life that we didn't see each other as often as you might think."

I didn't tell him, but what he described was so strangely parallel to what I had done after ending my relationship with James. The circumstances were extremely different and I was trying to have fun, not forget anything, but the twin thread remained. During a difficult point in our lives, we both chose sex as our drug and tool. We were both so utterly fucked up, but at the same time, I knew we weren't those people any longer. We had both recognized who we were and how that was different from who we wanted to be, and we had changed. But I knew this wasn't the time to think about myself; I needed to hear the rest of Edward's story.

"I barely recognized her when she hopped into my lap on my barstool. I blinked back the tequila haze that clouded my vision and tried to focus on her face. I ended up hanging out with Carissa and her friends for the rest of the night, and when I tried to make the forty minute walk back to my apartment, she wouldn't allow it. Her place was nearby, and she insisted that I just stay with her for the night.

"She knew something was off with me, and I broke down. I told her about the picture and how much thoughts of my now three year old son had been haunting me. She comforted me with the understanding and sympathy that no one else in my life had, and…we somehow ended up sleeping together that night.

"I awoke to the feeling of a warm, naked body pressed against me. I peaked at my bed companion, and when I realized it was Carissa, the previous night all came back to me.

"I panicked. I had drunk-fucked my best friend," he concluded.

It was so much to process. Too much? I remembered how I reacted when I read Edward's email about signing away his rights to his first son, and this played right into how I imagined Edward felt. He was such a compassionate, good man, no matter how much he beat himself up for his past. If he were cold-hearted or uncaring, he never would have acted out that way. The manner in which he chose to cope with his pain was not in the least bit healthy, but it was proof of how hurt he was.

"Still with me?" he asked.

"Mmmhmm," I hummed.

"Bella, I need you to tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm…it makes me sick."

"I'm sorry," he said in a low, breathy tone. I could hear the guilt and shame in his voice, and I knew that I needed to clarify.

"No, don't apologize!" I protested. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. It just turns me stomach to imagine you in that much pain."

"Oh…"

"Is there more?"

"Oh yeah. It's not like we had sex and then got married the next day."

"Okay, good point," I said, laughing slightly at myself. Hearing about him and Carissa together that way was muddling my brain, even though I logically knew that their marriage included sexual history. "Tell me how that happened," I insisted.

"I will. Can you promise me something, though?"

"Anything. What do you need?"

"Just hear me out until I'm done, okay?" he asked. I agreed, and he started once more.

"I had absolutely no idea how to proceed, but Carissa was much more laid back about things. We never really discussed what had happened, nor did she attempt to carry it over into our friendship. I was completely shocked and surprised. I questioned if she could really be so cavalier about it all. We had been friends since junior high – didn't it change something?

"Eventually, it did, and those changes came with time. I stopped drinking alone and trolling random bars for women. Carissa and I spent more time together, but only as friends. A month later, we went to a party, and after more beers than I can remember, it happened again. Once more, we didn't talk about it. In the moment, we enjoyed each other's bodies, but it ended there.

"The pattern continued in that same fashion. By day, we were the same old best friends we had always been, but when we drank, we fucked. Eventually, the sex moved into sober nights as well, and things seemed to be good. I no longer felt the need to hook up with random chicks, and there was a sense of trust between the two of us. I never considered it dating; we were just _us_ with a little pleasure on the side.

"Things seemed to be great for a while…until history repeated itself."

_Oh, no. Finn_, I thought. Per his request, I stayed silent, despite my realization.

"We were twenty years old, and Carissa was going to have my baby," he said solemnly. "Less than two months later we were married by the Justice of the Peace. Finn entered our lives not long after.

"'_This time I won't lose my son. This time I will do right by my child,' _I kept thinking._ 'I will make it up to my first boy by being the best father I can be now. I will love his mother and we will be a family,'_ I told myself over and over again.

"I cherished my son, Bella, and despite being a young father and husband, I resolved to be with him every single day until he was a man. Anything less would be unacceptable. You can see now why this divorce has been so difficult for me."

"Wow. Edward, I don't even know what to say," I muttered, lost deep in my thoughts. "I guess I never really put things together. I knew you were young when you guys had Finn, but you always talked about Carissa being your best friend. I assumed that you had been together since you were kids and just did the whole 'high school sweethearts getting married young' thing."

"Now you know everything," he said quietly. "Are you okay?"

"What? Are you crazy? I'm the one who should be asking you that! You have been baring your soul to me for that past six months and you're asking if _I'm_ okay? Do you have any idea how illogical that is?"

He laughed at my statement, and we spent the next hour discussing his marriage to Carissa, as well as my reactions to the finer details of their life together. Hearing about their life together was insightful. He was comfortable enough to confide in me about their struggles as very young parents and how they held their life together as Carissa finished school and Edward eventually opened his own business. It solidified for me how strong of a person Edward truly was, even if he wouldn't always allow himself to see that. He and Carissa had gone through so much. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also understood that overcoming adversity didn't guarantee their future together. What a tragic fact of life…

More pieces of the Edward puzzle slid into place. Again, my thoughts roamed back to the time we had spent together in Washington. His words, once more, held new meaning. All that time, I had regarded him as the typical guy who was unhappy in his marriage and was just sticking around for the kid. Now, I could see that everything was so much more complicated.

Edward had lost one child, and when he found out he was going to be a father again, he got married without hesitation. Carissa was his best friend, so it was reasonable to believe that they could make a marriage and family work together. There was already a foundation of love and compassion, even if it wasn't romantic at first.

I had never been through anything as dramatic or traumatic, but I saw the ways Edward and I were so much alike. We were both good people with good hearts, who just happened to have a proclivity for making poor decisions. We were both impulsive thinkers. We reacted to situations based on capricious notions, and then with our heart. That inevitably left cautious, rational thoughts in the back of our minds.

It made sense. Neither of us ever truly considered the consequences the first night, and now here we were two years later, still trying to figure things out.

I wanted him so much. We had come so far and he had shared so much with me, but I knew I could never allow him to give up what he had with his son. Edward and Carissa would share custody of Finn, and that meant that he needed to stay in Washington. I had a good job and a comfortable life in California. It still felt as if there was something missing, but time would make that better, wouldn't it?

I considered Rosalie's encouragement with new eyes. Finn was very clearly the most important thing in the world to Edward, so he would remain wherever his son was. Instead of feeling excited and happy that Edward told me he missed, loved, and wanted to be with me, I felt guilty. He should not have felt torn between a woman and his son, especially not after everything he had been through. Perhaps I needed to take a step back and give my relationships here a little more precedence in my life. If I could find a way to let him go first, maybe he would be able to do the same. I wasn't sure I completely believed that in my heart, but I was going to try. I had to at least do that.

One particularly handsome guy named Hayden had been flirting with me all summer, and Rose noticed. With her encouragement, I finally took the chance and flirted back. A few nights later, he asked me out, and I said yes.

Hayden was a really nice guy, which surprised me considering that he was a publicist. I tried my best to put aside my preconceived notions and give him a chance to prove himself to me. A number of his celebrity clientele were Rendezvous regulars, which was what brought him to the club so often, but I discovered that there was more to him than work and parties. We went out sporadically, considering that most of my free time came during the daylight hours, and his work schedule was pretty much the opposite of that. We still managed, and we had fun together.

We saw each other on and off as fall set in and Rosalie returned home to start attending college fulltime in Seattle. The first time Hayden kissed me, it turned into a solid ten minutes at my front door. I was completely caught up in the excitement of actually feeling something - anything – for someone new. It was thrilling, even if I didn't know what I wanted from him. The next time was while watching a movie at his house. I kept the progress slow, and there was little more than some playful groping on the couch.

I continued to see him, and our physical relationship progressed a bit more. When he touched me, it felt good, but it didn't feel right. My body was screaming at me to seek more, but my heart and mind couldn't connect to those desires. I tried again another night, but I couldn't follow through.

There was nothing wrong with Hayden. Nothing at all. He was sweet, successful, and levelheaded. We laughed together all the time and could talk for hours. _I _was the problem. I was attracted to him, but there was no fire. I liked him, but I couldn't move past the initial infatuation. That was why I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him, even when the things he did to my body made it oh so tempting.

I apologized to him about not being ready, and he assured me it was all right. Still, I cried when I returned home, not entirely sure why I was reacting that way. I didn't want to imagine how awful I would have felt inside if we actually did have sex.

I could not, in good conscience, lead him on any longer, so by early October, I ended our casual dating altogether.

I felt like a total mess, but I knew I couldn't force myself to feel things that just weren't there. My heart was set, even if it was on a man I couldn't have without extirpating my life all over again. Even then, would we stand a chance? The risk was so frightening that I wasn't sure whether I was willing to try. Maybe I was destined to be alone. It certainly felt like a fitting penance for all the mistakes I had made.

* * *

_I'm not alone  
I wish I was  
Cause then I'd know I was down because  
I couldn't find a friend around  
To love me like they do right now  
They do right now  
I'm dizzy from the shopping mall  
I searched for the joy but I bought it all  
It doesn't help the hunger pain  
And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate  
Something's missing  
And I don't know how to fix it  
Something's missing  
And I don't know what it is  
At all  
__**John Mayer**_

* * *

**E/N: I originally wrote Edward's story about Carissa in an EPOV, but adapted it for this chapter. There was a small excerpt that Edward would not have detailed to Bella, so I will be posting that in the NMTB Extras on my profile as Chapter 13. It is the conversation between Edward and Carissa once they were back at her apartment that first night together. Rest assured there is no lemon (phew!) – it is just a closer look into Edward's mind, and I believe it will help you understand how they ended up "together" that night.**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Keepingupwiththekids, Vi0lentserenity, and isoldephi deserve many thanks for their invaluable beta magic *hearts***

**Songs: Change(acoustic) – Good Charlotte **(Even if you never read the lyrics at the bottom, please read these ones. They are so perfect!)

* * *

I didn't date again after Hayden. I spent time with a lot of men – and women – in a variety of platonic settings, but it never went beyond that. I tried to flirt and play a little bit to see if maybe the dating failure with Hayden was just a fluke, but nothing ever came of it. There were a number of guys who asked me out, but every time, I felt nothing. As far as friendships go, they were fantastic people, but there was never any chemistry on my end.

At least I tried. Now I knew for certain.

I had long since accepted that my heart belonged to Edward, and there was really no way around it. All my attempts to meet someone new were unsuccessful because deep inside, some subconscious part of me knew that it would never really work in the end. I did not purposely push guys away or do anything to sabotage potential relationships; they were just doomed from the start.

Even though things between us were at an impasse unless I moved again, I embraced our fucked up relationship. Edward wasn't going anywhere, so I took advantage of his time and attention and welcomed the way we felt about one another.

I kept my promise to Emmett and our friends that I would not seclude myself from the social aspects of life, and when we were out, I always made an effort for them. I wasn't unhappy with my life by any means. As long as I stayed busy, I was usually fine. It was just hard to make sense of anything. This wasn't the way life was supposed to happen, but it was the hand that I had been dealt. I accepted it, even if the people who cared about me couldn't understand my choices.

Honestly, Emmett and Rosalie could not say much to me because neither of them had done any serious dating since she left L.A. at the end of August. I knew for a fact that they talked on the phone several times a week, and I saw Emmett furiously texting all the time. I was just waiting for the day that Rosalie would call to tell me she was going to move, and that day came during her Thanksgiving break.

"I hate it here!" she whined into the phone. "It's cold and disgusting, everyone in Seattle is cranky, and I loathe commuting to school."

"Sorry, babygirl. What are you going to do about it?" I asked.

"Umm, I think I want…to move." She practically whispered the last two words, and I wondered why she was being so shy about it.

"Move? Here? Rose, that would be amazing!"

"Who said I'm moving there?" she quipped. "Maybe I want to move to Vegas or Florida…or New York City."

"I happen to know that you think Vegas is too dry, Florida has too many old people, and New York is for east coast snobs, so unless you're going for the dream move to Saint Thomas, I'm pretty sure it's here. Am I right?"

"Yes!" she squealed so loud that I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "Emmett has been saying that he'll let me work at the club until I can get enrolled in school down there, and then he'll work out a schedule so I can still work part-time and finish college. Wouldn't that be great?"

"It sounds like a good plan, but I have to ask, why were you hesitating to tell me?" I inquired.

"I don't know, Bella. It's like, you've asked me about a thousand times to move down there with you, and I always said I couldn't. I don't want you to think that I'm just moving to be close to Emmett now that we're…whatever we are," she finished quickly. I could just imagine her wild hand gesture to accompany her nervous rant.

"Rosalie, I love you. I want you to be here," I promised. "Whether it's for me, Emmett, or just to work on your tan, I don't care, woman. Whatever it takes to get you here is good for me."

"You're not mad?" she asked.

If I over thought things, yes, it did feel like Rosalie was moving for Emmett, but I _knew_ her, and I understood that she wasn't quite as impulsive as me. While moving was a decision I made quickly, she needed time to think about it and find multiple reasons to make the change. I couldn't begrudge her for being different from me in that way. I wanted my best friend close to me, no matter what it took to make that happen.

"Sweet Jesus, Rosalie Hale! Get your ass to California and shut up already!"

"Oh yah! Okay, let me go so I can call Emmett and tell him!"

We ended our call, and ten minutes later, I heard Emmett barreling down the hall.

"Belly Button!" he shouted as he burst through my door. I was lying on the bed reading when he took a flying leap and landed beside me. The entire bed bounced, and the mattress slid nearly halfway off the box spring.

"Holy hell, Em," I huffed while clinging to the bedspread. "I guess this means Rosalie called you?"

"Dude, Bella, I'm like a kid at Christmas," he said excitedly, but his expression was serious. "I think I'm in love with that woman."

"No shit, Sherlock," I teased as I sat up and shoved his shoulder playfully. "Did it take you this long to figure that out?"

"Nah, but I didn't want to say anything before."

"You didn't have to, sweetie. It's pretty obvious."

"Yeah?"

"For sure. You two are my best friends. I know these things."

The next time Emmett, Jasper, and I were in the house at the same time, I pulled us all together for a little meeting. I told Jasper about Rosalie's decision to move and explained that the three of us needed to figure out what that meant for our living arrangement. I had assumed that I would move out since I was only supposed to stay there temporarily anyway. That way, Rose and I could get our own place together, hopefully somewhere nearby. Emmett scowled at that idea but couldn't really object. Four of us in that condo would not have worked long term. Jasper, however, surprised us both by volunteering to move out and leave his bedroom for Rosalie.

"Alice has been looking around for a place to buy lately, and we've thrown around the idea of living together," he explained. "This is as good a reason as any to take her up on the offer."

"Really? Good for you guys," I said sincerely.

"Uh, yeah," he replied, suddenly scratching the back of his neck and diverting his eyes. "I've sort of started ring shopping recently."

"J, that so great!" I exclaimed, jumping up and hugging him. "I'm so happy for you!"

He smiled in a sweet, coy manner that made his single dimple show. "Seriously? It's really nice to hear that from you of all people, B."

"Hey, I don't think Alice will be asking me to hold her bouquet or anything, but we're cool. She makes you happy, and that's what matters to me. It took time for her to realize that I'm not a threat or anything like that, but it's all good now."

Emmett offered his congratulations as well, and we all toasted the upcoming changes in our lives with few fingers of whiskey.

A week later, I received another excited phone call. This time it was from Edward.

"I, Edward Cullen, am officially a divorced man."

"Wow, already?" I asked. "Don't those things usually take more time than that? I mean, I'm glad you're so happy, but it seems like that went fast."

"We've technically been separated for a year and a half now, so no, it doesn't feel that way to me," he said. There was something new in his voice. Maybe it was the freedom. "Since we had already been in counseling and continued to go for mediation after we decided to split, it was all pretty no-nonsense in the end."

"What about everything else – Finn and your business?"

"Well, we were able to settle that between our lawyers, so we'll continue the fifty-fifty thing with Finn, and she agreed to leave me with full ownership of the business so long as I stick to the alimony terms."

"So it's really over?" I asked carefully. I didn't want to sound too excited or not excited enough. I had no idea what the protocol was for congratulating your once-lover-now-friend-you-love about his divorce.

_Fucking hell. My life is a circus._

"It's over," he sighed happily. "I mean, it's been over for a while, but this is _real_. Pretty crazy."

I agreed.

"I want to come see you," he said suddenly.

"Huh?" My heart was in my throat. _Of course_ I wanted that too, but it had been so long that I never truly considered it a possibility. Hearing those words from him left me reeling.

"I want to see you, Bella. I can come down there. I'll stay in a hotel or something, but I just want to see you now that everything is settled. I can look at flights tonight."

"Whoa, back up a minute," I said, my sensibility finally catching up with the rest of my mind. "I'll be home in a couple weeks for Christmas. We'll see each other then."

"But I want to see you now. I don't care about the cost. I have money."

"That's not the point, Edward. You're excited about your divorce being finalized, but it's silly for you to come down here when I'm going to be there so soon."

"You don't want to see me?" he asked, suddenly sounding small and not at all like the confident man had I known for the last few years.

The truth was, I wanted to see Edward desperately. I couldn't count the number of times I had wished we were together or that I could feel his body pressed against mine. It had probably been at least once a day since I moved.

Our reunion frightened me quite a bit. My expectations were all over the place where Edward was concerned. I wanted to see him and kiss him, but at the same time, I didn't want to jump back into bed with him. My body desired his the same way I always had, but my heart was afraid. I could not stand it if we took things to that level and then I had to let him go again. Having a piece of Edward - knowing that I would have to walk away afterward - was a nerve-racking thought.

"Of course I want to see you. More than anything," I admitted. "But I don't think it should be right away. Let's wait it out until I'm home for the holidays."

After trying every angle he could to convince me otherwise, he unwillingly agreed to my terms, and I managed to keep myself from calling him back as soon as our conversation ended to beg him to book a flight and come to me right that minute. He probably would have if I'd asked.

The weeks between then and Christmas were pure madness. Between work, helping Rosalie make moving arrangements, and indulging in many phone calls with Edward, I never had a quiet minute. I ended up doing the majority of my Christmas shopping online and having it delivered to my mom and dad's house. It would be much easier than shipping gifts myself, not that I had the time to actually go to a store.

I already had my idea about what I was going to do for Edward, and I was excited because this would be the first time we had actually exchanged gifts. My assumption was that he would really like it, but I was keeping my fingers crossed.

Emmett and I arrived at Sea-Tac airport two days before Christmas, and it was a whirlwind from there. The remainder of that day was shared with my parents. I went with Emmett to Esme's house on Christmas Eve, and Christmas day was spent at the Swan household. That night, I went over to Rosalie's house and visited with her parents. More family events were planned for the day after Christmas, and then the twenty-seventh would be my only "free" day before we had to return to L.A. That was the day I reserved for Edward.

He had me meet him at his house, and I had to admit that it was a little weird. We had never gone to his home. Even though this was a completely different place than where he lived back then, it was still new territory, figuratively speaking.

To my complete surprise, it was not Edward who answered the door. Standing before me was a boy who was practically a miniature Edward. I knew that it was Finn, but I certainly had not expected him to be there when I arrived. Edward had not mentioned whether or not he would be, but I had simply assumed that Finn would be with his mom.

"Hi," he said, holding the door open with one hand and scratching his head with the other. His hair was the same sort of chaotic mess as his father's, but it was a deep shade of honey blond instead of auburn. His eyes were a bright green that I recognized immediately. Even as a boy, he had the same straight nose and chiseled jaw line that defined Edward's handsome face.

"Hi there, you must be Finn," I said with a smile. He nodded and asked me if I was there to see his dad. When I said that I was, he allowed me inside and led me to the living room.

Edward walked into the room a moment later, completely taking my breath away. My memory and the few pictures I had did not do him justice.

My eyes raked up and down his body, clad in dark jeans and a fitted grey sweater. It felt formal to see him dressed that way, but it suited his lean frame and model-like face. His hair seemed just a tad shorter than I remembered, but it still held that familiar sexy disarray. He was still so hot that I could have ogled him all day, but once our eyes met, I couldn't tear them away. I was lost in him, and I quickly understood that he was experiencing something similar.

After a few silent moments spent staring at one another, he turned toward his son.

"Finn, this is my friend, Bella. Did you say hello to her?"

"Yeah, Dad. I'm the one who answered the door, remember?" I chuckled at his sarcastic response while Edward shot me a playful but pointed look.

"It's nice to meet you, Finn. Thank you for having me over to your house."

Finn asked if he could stay a little longer, but Edward reminded him that it was time to go back with his mother. The objections from the boy continued for a few minutes until Edward finally put his foot down.

"You spent the last two days here, and I know your mother wants to see you. Go enjoy the gifts you got from her."

"Can I walk?"

"Yes, just call her and make sure she's home first," he instructed. "And I expect a phone call as soon as you get there."

"Yes, sir," the boy agreed, and he went into the kitchen to make the call. Once he was off the phone, he ran to his room and retrieved a backpack. "Okay, Dad. Mom's home. Can I come over tomorrow?"

"I'll call you in the morning and we'll talk about it."

"Promise?"

"Of course," Edward told him.

"Okay, thanks, Daddy. I love you," he said as he wrapped his arms around Edward's waist and squeezed him in a quick hug.

"I love you too, buddy." I smiled at the sight of Edward leaning down to place a kiss on his son's forehead.

As Finn departed for his mother's house, Edward watched him from the front porch until he turned the corner and was out of sight.

Once the phone rang and Edward received confirmation that Finn made it to Carissa's house safely, he was before me.

"Get over here," he demanded, pulling me against his chest and holding me there in a tight embrace.

My arms snaked around his waist, and I buried my face in his chest. God, he smelled so fucking good. It was exactly as I remembered, and it set off a desperate reaction in me. I held him tightly as he clung to me. His chin rested on top of my head, and against my will, tears trickled down my cheeks.

After several minutes of standing in his living room hugging and running our hands up and down each other's back, he pulled my face up to look at him.

"You're crying. Why, baby?"

"I've just missed you so much," I whimpered, blinking away the tears that fogged my vision from his gorgeous face. "I'm here. You're here. Really here."

"I know," he breathed. "Fuck, I love you." Suddenly, the hand that was beneath my chin tipped it up a little farther, and he ravaged my mouth.

There was nothing slow or romantic about our kiss. It was needy and desperate, speaking a thousand words as our lips seemed to meld together in pursuit of more of each other. As he took slow steps backwards, I followed, completely unwilling to break our connection. He fell onto the recliner, pulling me down into his lap. I readjusted our position until I was over him comfortably, kissing furiously all the while.

His hands ran over my sides with severe force. He wasn't hurting me, but the movements were rough and needful.

"I'm not going anywhere," I reassured him, pulling away for a moment to speak and stare into his eyes. They seemed so different. The color had not changed, but I had not remembered the intensity they held when he looked at me.

I rested my forehead against his, keeping my lips locked so that he could only lay small pecks on my mouth. My hands squeezed his biceps, needing to grasp something and hold myself in place.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, love. I don't mean to do shit like that."

"Shh…it's okay."

"I can't help myself."

"Me either."

I sat back in his lap and we stared at each other for several minutes before I collapsed against him, wiggling my hands between his back and the chair to get closer. We stayed there on the recliner for a while holding one another until he nudged me back.

"Let me look at you, beautiful girl."

I obliged, sitting back and then pulling one of my legs out so that I was sideways in his lap. The position still allowed for quality snuggles, but it wasn't quite so tempting in other ways.

"I miss you," I whispered again. "Every day I miss you."

"You have no idea."

"I want to stay here like this all day, but I really do have something planned. Are you ready to go?"

He released me from his hold hesitantly, and we eventually made it out to the car. I was driving my mom's car since Emmett had our rental, and I insisted that we take it, considering I had a surprise for him. He agreed, but only after giving me the stink eye. The car guy obviously wasn't amused with my mother's Sebring. I really wasn't either, to be honest.

I drove to our destination without revealing it to him until we arrived.

"This is where I get all my tattoos done," he said when I stopped the car. "What are we doing here?"

"Well, it _is_ a tattoo parlor," I said, rolling my eyes.

"So you're getting a tat today?"

"Yes and no," I replied. "_We_ are getting tattoos today. Merry Christmas."

As we walked inside, I explained what I had arranged. A few months ago, I had casually asked Edward where he had all his ink done. I called the shop and spoke to his regular artist. He informed me that Edward had talked about getting some more work done on his sleeve the last time he was in, so that was what I decided to do for him as a Christmas gift. Today, Edward would get that work done, my treat.

As Shane, the tattoo artist, prepared the art and stencil for Edward, we browsed through the flash art in the shop to find something for me.

"This is your first tattoo," Edward said.

"Yup," I agreed with a smile.

"You're doing it for me?"

"Well, I'm doing it for _me_, but I like that you're going to be here with me."

"Do you have any idea what you want?" he asked.

I answered honestly. "Not really. I wanted you to help me with that part."

"I would love to," he said, bringing our clasped hands to his mouth to place a soft kiss on my fingers. "Let's look through some more and you can give me some ideas."

In the end, Edward had a beautiful Celtic cross added to his sleeve on the underside of his bicep. It looked extremely painful, but Edward barely cringed. I couldn't imagine getting used to a self-inflicted pain like that, but he did quite well.

He ended up designing and drawing most of my tattoo himself, with a little bit of help from Shane. I even allowed him to select the location.

He chose a pretty, intricate _B_ on my right shoulder blade. Some pink dogwood flowers I liked surrounded the letter in a sort of semi-circle, and they extended down part of my back in a delicate, waving line. It was a bit larger than what I originally expected to have done, but it was perfect. The tattoo was something that would always remind me of Edward. What I didn't tell him was why I chose dogwood flowers. While hibiscus flowers are popular as tattoos, especially for women, the dogwood symbolizes love that overcomes adversity. I honestly couldn't think of something that was better suited for our relationship.

Afterward, we were both a bit sore, but starving. Edward insisted on treating me to a late lunch at a local Mediterranean restaurant. It was decorated with beaded chandeliers and fancy looking hookahs. The food was delicious, and I was certain that I had never tasted hummus that good before. Once we were full and happy, I drove back to his house. I had set aside the entire day to be with him, but I wasn't sure what we would do next.

"Why are you acting so nervous?" he asked once we were inside the house.

"Nervous? I'm not, it's just…"

"What, Bella?"

"I feel a little weird," I admitted. "I don't know what to do. I haven't seen you in so long, and now I'm here, but everything is completely different from the last time we were together. I'm not sure where to go from here, you know?"

His hands reached out to me, unbuttoning my jacket and pulling it from my body as he spoke. "It's a little strange for me too, but this day has been amazing. Not just the tattoos, but everything. Being able to see you and touch you while we talk is…"

"Amazing," I finished for him.

"Yeah."

I helped him with his coat, and we tossed them onto a bench by the front door.

"Bella, this can be whatever you want," he said as he pulled my body against his, enveloping me in a warm hug. "I'm just happy to be near you."

"Me too," I said softly, nuzzling my face into the hollow of his neck. "Can we go sit down?"

We walked toward the living room, and I guided him to the recliner we'd sat in earlier. It was oversized and big enough for two, so it was my obvious choice. We sat side by side, pushing the chair back and curling into one another. It was the perfect way to be close and comfortable while maintaining eye contact.

My hands were automatically on his face and in his hair. I needed to touch him and feel that he was real. My heart pounded as I took in his ethereal beauty. He always hated when I called him beautiful, but there was no better description. From the angular jaw to the unique penny color of his hair, he was so god-like it was almost intimidating. Times like this made me wonder what he saw in me, but his loving gaze and the gentle way he touched me were enough to dispel all my doubts.

How could I possibly go on without this man? I had never felt this way for anyone, even when I thought I was in love in the past. These weren't even the same feelings I had for him two years ago when we were still involved. Whatever this was, it was stronger, intense, and undeniable. Every fiber of my body, heart, and soul wanted to stay like this with him forever, but I knew I couldn't. I would get on a plane tomorrow and leave him again. He would continue his life here as I picked up where I left off in Los Angeles.

My mind raced with desperate thoughts of Edward stripping away my clothes one piece at a time. I imagined how incredible it would be to feel his bare skin against mine. My body craved attention – his attention. I wanted him to fill me and solidify our bond intimately. The opportunity was in front of us, begging to be taken. It was so tempting.

I couldn't, though.

"Are you all right in there?" Edward asked. A concerned look dominated his features, but he continued to smile at me.

"I'm just having a hard time deciding what I want right now."

"Why don't you tell me so we can figure it out together?" he suggested.

Steeling myself with a deep breath, I opened my heart and soul to the man who already possessed both. "I have no idea what kind of expectations you have right now, if any, but I don't think I can handle doing anything today."

He studied my face as I spoke, looking at me seriously and taking in each word. "Don't feel bad about that," he said, stroking my cheek. I hadn't directly said that it made me feel bad, so it was very reassuring that he understood me that way. "I don't want to push you into anything. I'm happy to be here with you like this."

I scooted closer to him, snaking our legs together as my top one went over his thigh. His hand was immediately on it, rubbing up and down with soothing movement.

"Tell me more."

"I guess…I know things are completely different now, but I don't want to be your whore. If we have sex, I know it's all I'll be able to think about when I go home. It's going to be hard enough already. I want you Edward – so bad – but I can't do that to myself."

"First of all, you have never been my whore, and I hate that you could possibly think something like that, especially after all this time," he scolded me. "I _love_ you, Bella." He took my face in both hands and fixed his gaze on mine. "I will never do anything you are not comfortable with. No matter how many times we were together in the past, if you're not ready for that, I won't push."

"Thank you," I whispered, leaning forward to press our lips together. "Thank you for understanding." My entire body felt warm just knowing that he cared enough about me to accept my hesitance without anger or frustration. I hadn't believed that he only wanted to see me for a hook up before I returned to California, but I needed that reassurance he gave me.

As we drew impossibly closer on the confines of the chair, his tongue traced across my lips and willed them to part. We moved from gently caressing to teeth tugging on eager lips until his mouth traveled across my cheeks and down my neck. As he peppered my neck with small kisses, he began singing playfully.

_"I want you  
I want you so bad  
I want you  
I want you so bad  
It's driving me mad, it's driving me mad…"_

I laughed at his antics and the play on my earlier comment, pressing my hand against his shoulder until he leaned back.

"You don't like my singing?" he asked, sticking his lip out into the cutest pout. I reached forward and traced my fingertip over it.

"I _love_ your singing," I corrected him. "But if you keep that up, everything I just said will be null and void, if you know what I mean."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to make things more difficult. Do you want to do something else?"

"Actually," I said. "I'm sort of in the mood to watch _Across the Universe_ now. Have you seen it?"

"No, actually," he said, scrunching his face, probably because I was looking at him so expectantly.

"What?" I shouted, covering my mouth immediately. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell in your ear, but seriously? You've never seen it?"

"Like I said…"

"All right," I said, jumping up from the recliner. "It's time for a trip to the video store. Get your shoes."

Half an hour later, we were back on the recliner with a few rentals, a copy of _Across the Universe_ I had bought while we were there, and a pile of snacks. Edward turned on the movie, and we snuggled together as it began.

We talked throughout the entire film because it was pretty much impossible not to. No matter how many times I watched that movie, it never got old. Half the fun was discussing the Beatles songs, how they related to the historical references in the movie, how great the actors were, or making connections between different characters and what songs correlated with their names. I swooned over Jude, even with Edward sitting beside me, which he found particularly amusing. He liked the multitude of Salma Hayeks during _Happiness is a Warm Gun_.

After the movie was over, we put on another and lay together on the chair, even though we didn't really watch much of the second film. We kissed until our lips were dry and my skin was red from his stubble rubbing against my face. We stayed close, breathing one another's air as we talked about everything and nothing. When I yawned three times in the span of five minutes, he asked me to stay, but I had to say no. I still had to pack to head home, and I would be cutting it too close if I didn't go back to my parents' house tonight.

It was extremely difficult to say goodbye, and the entire exchange took at least twenty minutes. We moved from the chair to standing in the living room. Then we were in the kitchen cleaning up and finally at the door. It took minutes to get my coat, and even then, we weren't ready to let go. He followed me out to my car, where we embraced, whispered, and kissed until the cold December air became unbearable, and I had to leave. He stood on the porch until I couldn't see him in the rearview mirror any longer, and he may have stayed out there longer for all I knew. Shortly after arriving home, he sent a text to make sure I arrived safely, which I confirmed.

I hated leaving him, but he made up for it by calling me a few days later to plan a weekend trip to California in late February. Our conversations between visits felt different - more open, even - and though it felt harder to be apart after our visit, it made seeing one another again even better.

Rosalie had moved earlier in February and was getting settled quite well. Between working at the club, she had been researching a few of the universities in the area and trying to decide which was the best option. Taking another semester off was not an ideal situation for her, but she said it was worthwhile to finally be in L.A. with Emmett and me.

Jasper and Alice seemed to be happier than ever, and I found myself extremely glad that all their issues were in the past. I missed seeing him around the house, but we still had time together at work, as well as the occasional social gathering. It was worth the contented smile he wore these days.

I was not sure how accepting everyone would be of Edward's visit, but things went extremely well. Once my friends saw us together, especially Emmett and Rosalie, they understood that this wasn't a game. No one liked our circumstances, but it was glaringly obvious that there was real love holding our very confusing situation together.

Edward continued to be more understanding than I deserved about my avoidance of sex. It killed me, but I wasn't ready to take that step with him again. It felt as though we were slowly working toward some sort of resolution in our relationship, even if we didn't know what that was yet.

He was breaking down my walls little by little, though, and I had eventually allowed us to slip into a very…suggestive conversation after our visit in December. I was less resistant to his coaxing after seeing him and having his body close to mine again, so what started as playful reminiscing about things we had done together turned into several unforgettable phone calls talking each other through the actions we wished our own hands were performing. The emotional bond and trust were there, but the idea of physical intimacy still scared me. I knew it was a bit ludicrous given our past, and I was constantly apologizing to him for it during his visit to L.A.. He shot down each of my attempts to say, "I'm sorry" without making me feel even worse about myself.

He still slept in my bed, and we behaved like a couple in every other way. We went to my favorite restaurants and places in the area, he came to the club with me, and we spent some time with all my friends. Sleeping with our arms wrapped around one another was the greatest feeling in the world, and I hated when our weekend ended.

An hour before we had to leave to take him to the airport, we sat together on my bed talking. He leaned over the edge of the bed to pull something out of his bag, and when he sat back up, he placed a small red rectangle in my hand.

"What's this?" I asked.

"An iPod Shuffle," he answered, giving nothing away in his expression or tone.

"Obviously," I rolled my eyes. "But why are you giving it to me?"

"Listen," he said simply as he plugged in a set of ear buds and handed them to me.

I adjusted them in my ears and turned on the device. Unfamiliar music flooded my ears. It didn't sound professionally recorded, but it was very pretty. First, there was a song on a guitar, and then Edward pushed the button to go to the next song where I heard a keyboard. Pulling one ear bud out, I asked him what it was.

He graced me with one of his beautiful half smiles. "I, uh, have a little more free time on my hands lately, so I've been recording some of the stuff I play. It's not great quality, but it's something." He shrugged and tipped his head down slightly, looking up at me nervously.

"Edward! This is amazing! Thank you so much. You really have no idea how much this means to me."

Setting the iPod aside, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me for a thank you kiss. He obliged and continued for a few minutes.

"I'm glad you like it," he said, smiling sweetly. "There's something else, though."

"What's that?"

Taking both my hands in his, he kissed my knuckles and looked me in the eyes. "Bella, I love you, and I know you love me too. We've had a crazy relationship from day one, and I hope it's clear by now that I'm not willing to give up on us."

There was absolute sincerity in his eyes, the need for me to hear his words and understand what he had to say before he left. I nodded my assent, so he continued.

"This long distance thing sucks, but I think we can make it work. I don't want to leave today not knowing where we stand. I…I want this – us – to be something real, to know that we're in this together and we're going to figure out a way to make it last. Can we do that?"

I was completely floored by his request. I had no idea how it could work given our unchanging circumstances, but I wanted to say yes. If he believed that we could find a way, I wanted to trust him to make it happen for us.

Everything had been leading up to this point. All the conversations and confessions on the telephone since I moved, the fact that I had not been able to successfully date anyone else, and the undeniable perfection I felt when we were together at Christmas and now. We were obviously no good apart, but together there was something pure and real. The circumstances that brought us together were shameful, but they were a part of who we were. They were an important piece of our relationship, but in the grand scheme of things, they no longer mattered. We had learned and grown from our mistakes and poor judgment, and now we were on a new path. I had to at least _try_.

"What about Finn? And your business?" I protested, despite the blazing desire to accept with no regard for anything but us.

"There are still some things I need to figure out, but I need you to trust me about them. Can you do that for me?" he asked. Of course I would.

"Yes," I said softly.

"Yes what, Bella? Please say it for me."

"Yes, I trust you. Yes, I want to be with you."

He made this happy groan-growl sound and pulled me to him. I returned his embrace, and we fell down onto the mattress. He maneuvered his body over mine to kiss me passionately. We stayed that way for a while, and I was consumed by how good the weight of his body felt on me. When my phone beeped to tell us it was time to leave for the airport, we both grudgingly moaned, but made our way to the car with his luggage.

He suggested that I drop him off at the gate so that I wouldn't have to deal with paying for parking and waiting with him, but I think he knew that was a ludicrous suggestion. There was no way I could possibly leave him when we could have a few more minutes together, even if that meant standing in line to check his baggage.

I held his hand, touched his face, whispered to him, kissed his tempting lips, and pressed my body close to his. He did the same, and it was never enough.

"We'll figure this out together," he said quietly as we stood near the security line. I nodded, reveling in the warmth of his hands cupping my cheeks. "I love you."

I tipped my head up so that he could rest his forehead against mine, solidifying the unspoken bond between us. I had to believe him because there was no turning back from the intensity of my love. If this didn't work, there was no way I would ever feel this way for anyone else.

He wiped away the tears that trickled down my cheeks, and I kissed his eyelids when I saw his eyes begin to water.

"Go," I said, pushing him away gently. "I'll never let you leave if you don't go now."

He kissed me once more, then turned toward the line. With one final glance over his shoulder, he waved and I made my escape from the airport before I lost it.

On my way home, I did something I had not done in a very long time. I picked up my phone and called Rosalie, squealing in her ear with excitement about a man.

* * *

_I am lost in the see through  
I think you've lost yourself, too  
Throughout all of this confusion  
I think we'll somehow make it through  
Each day just drags on by  
Bringing with you a new life  
Just when I think I could die  
You come and bring me back to life  
And you said,  
You can't change the way you feel  
But you can't tell me this ain't real, cuz this is real  
In this end it's all I've got  
So I'm gonna hold on…on and on and on  
__…  
I've practiced all the things I'd say to tell you how I feel  
When I finally get my chance it'll all seem so surreal  
Now you've got me thinking bout the first time that I met you  
Now I can't forget you  
Now I won't forget you**  
Good Charlotte**_

__


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**Thanks to keepingupwiththekids, Vi0lentserenity & isoldephi for beta'ing this craziness.**

**Songs: The Best of Me – The Starting Line & Wait For Me – Theory of a Deadman**

**

* * *

**

I stood in my bathroom, peeking through the door at a sleeping Edward, my tattooed angel. He had taken a late flight into LAX, and we were both practically sleepwalking by the time we made it back to the condo. Needless to say, we passed out as soon as we curled up in my bed together. I awoke before him this morning, so I decided to get a head start on a shower and allow him to rest a little longer.

As I stepped under the hot water, my mind wandered to our kiss at the arrival gate of the airport. It had been so powerful that I was sure if we'd been clay, Edward would have twisted and molded us into one piece in that moment. It was the first time we had seen each other since our decision to attempt this long distance relationship, and there was a new kind of desperation in every kiss, touch, and look we shared. I lingered on the sensation of sleeping wrapped up in him last night. He felt like home and desire all tangled into one. As I lingered on those thoughts, a rush of heat passed through my body from the inside out that had nothing to do with the water that was currently steaming up the bathroom.

My eyes shot open when I heard the sound of smooth metal rubbing on metal as the shower curtain was pulled back. I was suddenly no longer alone in the shower. I couldn't imagine what my surprised expression looked like, but I think it must have been something priceless given the wide smile that spread across Edward's face. Then his expression turned to one I wasn't sure I could place. It was like someone on the edge of the Earth who was finally witnessing a sunrise after months of darkness.

I was first embarrassed because this was another position we had not been in for a very long time. It was hard not to wonder if he thought my body had changed or still looked as good as he remembered. I panicked, not exactly sure what he was expecting of me. My body tensed as my eyes darted from one part of his body to another, knowing that he was doing the same to me. To avoid the temptation of his naked form in front of me, I adjusted my focus to his face. His smile finally allowed me to relax a little, and I couldn't help but lose myself in the gorgeous man in front of me.

It only took half a step for him to be pressed against me. I had missed the instantaneous reactions he caused in my body – the feverish desire to trace each of his tattoos, to taste his skin, to feel him inside me. The hot water pouring over us only intensified the way I was feeling. I had no idea if I would be able to maintain my control under these circumstances.

My breathing was heavy as he kissed me, pushing harder against me and pressing my body onto the shower wall. I was able to connect with the slightest fraction of reality long enough to pull my lips away from his momentarily.

"Edward, I…" I gasped. "We can't. I can't."

"Shhh," he soothed. "Nothing is going to happen that you don't want. I promise you that, Bella."

His mouth moved down my neck and across my collarbone as his hands traced over my shoulders, across my ribs, along the curve of my waist, and rested on my backside. My body involuntarily arched out toward his, and I pulled him back to my lips. I had never felt this connected to anyone…this passionate. Even with the physical relationships of my past and everything that Edward and I had done together, none of it had ever made me feel as desperate and out of control as I did in that moment.

His breaths became my own. The exchange was needful and nearly overwhelming as we gasped against each others mouth, locked in our kiss. The water allowed my hands to glide easily over his smooth, muscular frame, and he held me impossibly closer. I was sure I could stay that way with Edward forever. Maybe not forever…I would give in eventually.

His lips moved away from mine and along my neck, and my head tipped back involuntarily, allowing him better access as I moaned his name. Slowly, he traced a line straight down my body from the hollow of my neck to just below my belly button with slow, intentional kisses. His hands followed him down on either side, coming to rest on the outside of my thighs. Soft kisses covered my midriff, stirring a demanding need within me until he paused and looked up at me expectantly. I took in one deep breath and then another, contemplating, trying to separate my urges from my sensibility. It was no small task.

Finally, I shook my head, sure that he could see the disappointment as it passed through my eyes. "I just…haven't been on birth control in a really long time, and I don't think I could stop."

He smiled up at me. "It's okay."

He rose slowly, dragging his hands up my torso, moving with a firm but gentle touch over my stomach, lingering at my chest, up my neck, and finally cupping my face in his hands. He kissed me, softer this time, then pulled back to allow me to move away from the wall. The smile on his face revealed no frustration or disappointment, though other parts of his body may have suggested otherwise.

"Have you done this yet?" he asked, reaching for a bottle of shampoo. I shook my head, and he poured some of it into his hands. He massaged the soap through my hair, carefully wiping away any bubbles that slipped over onto my face. I wanted to give into the sensuality of his actions and had to fight back my desires, instead focusing on the love and care for me he demonstrated. His hands guided the water through my hair to rinse, and he repeated his task with conditioner, never removing his eyes from mine. His crooked smile as he worked dazzled me; we didn't speak, but that was all the communication we required. He reached past me for my bath puff and covered it in my fragrant perfumed soap. As he ran the sudsy sponge over every inch of my body in smooth lines and small circular patterns, his free hand followed, retracing each sweep over my skin. A shudder ran through my body more than once, and with each one, a giggle escaped from my mouth. When he had finished, he pressed himself to me again for more kisses as the water dissolved all the bubbles we'd created, forcing them down the drain.

I turned my back to him to face the water and wash my face, and his arms wrapped around my waist. His lips pressed kisses onto the top of my shoulders, and I could hear him faintly taking in the scent of my clean skin. I didn't want to move from this position of security and deep intimacy, but a change in the water temperature caught our attention simultaneously.

"Why don't you go ahead out while I clean up?" he instructed me, turning me out of the cooling water and moving himself into the stream.

I obliged with a smile and stepped out into the steamy bathroom.

After calming my body and getting dressed, I went to the kitchen and fixed some coffee and breakfast while Edward finished. I had to work, so after a long walk where we held hands and enjoyed the spring morning, Edward came with me to Rendezvous. Later, we headed back to the condo to change our clothes and relax for a little while before the club opened for the night. Deciding upon dinner at a nice Italian place near Rendezvous, we left again. Our entire day had been so comfortable, bordering on domestic, that I wondered what things would be like if we could do that everyday.

Over dinner, Edward got serious. "We should talk about the future."

I took a hard gulp of the wine that was already in my mouth and nodded for him to continue.

"I have a prospective buyer for my shop, but I need to know what you want to do, Bella. Have you had any time to look at jobs in Washington?"

I shook my head. This was not the first time Edward had brought up the idea of me moving back home, and his expression was hopeful. To be completely honest, I had very little interest in doing that. He knew that living there again was not something I desired, so scoping out jobs in the area was not high on my list of priorities.

"I didn't think so," he said flatly, his face falling to an impassive look. I cringed a little, but he didn't seem mad. I couldn't really tell what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"No, I get it. I know it's not about me, but you realize it limits our options, right?"

"Yeah," I muttered, feeling like a child who had been caught doing something wrong.

He reached across the table and took my hand, imploring me to understand his perspective. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad, baby, I just want to be realistic about things. If we're doing this, there has to be some sort of compromise."

"Okay," I agreed.

"Luckily, I have good news. Well, news with potential," he said, brightening suddenly. "I've been talking to my lawyer about a few things. Do you remember me saying how Finn's been fighting me on going back to his mom's house after he's been with me?"

"Yeah," I replied. "He did that when I was there after Christmas."

"Exactly. Well, it's becoming more frequent, and when he asks to stay, he's getting more upset about it. Carissa won't say anything specific to me, but I know that he's been giving her a harder time. Don't get me wrong, she's his mother and he loves her, but he's making it pretty clear that he wants to be with me more than her."

"What does that mean?"

"According to my lawyer, Finn is at an age where most judges will take the child's preference into account during a custody hearing. If he tells a judge he wants to live with me, there's a really great chance they would grant me primary custody so that we could move."

"Oh my god! Are you serious?" I asked, trying to tame my voice to a respectable level in the restaurant. I slapped my free hand over my mouth and he squeezed the other that he was still holding.

He smiled widely, clearly excited by the prospect. "That's what I've been told."

"Have you brought it up with Finn yet?" I asked, dying for more information.

"Not really. He says little things about wanting to stay at my house more often, but I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to mention the possibility of moving and have him repeat it to Carissa before I actually have a plan. We're on good terms right now, but if she felt threatened, there is always the chance she would do something to keep me from pursuing primary custody. I don't want to take the risk until I have more information."

"So what information do you need?" I asked.

"Yours," he said simply.

"Mine?"

"Yes, Bella. If I'm going to do this, I need to know that you're ready. Assuming everything would go well with the custody situation and selling my business, not to mention finding work or opening something here, Finn would be here with me. He would most likely go with Carissa in the summer and on major holidays. Is that something you can handle?"

"I…" I began, but stopped suddenly. Logically, I knew that Finn was a part of Edward's life. Edward's role had changed since the divorce, so if they moved, Finn's presence would automatically change certain dynamics of our relationship. Could I handle that?

There was no doubt that I loved children, and I knew I loved Edward. I had heard so many stories and accounts of Finn's life in the nearly three years I had known Edward that I felt like I knew him well.

I thought about Garrett and how happy he was with Kate. When they first got together, he had to adjust to her children, but in the end, it didn't matter to him. They were a part of Kate, so he took the whole package. He loved her children because he loved her, and now they were planning a wedding and would all be a family together.

_Family… _I would never try to be Finn's mother, but I could show him that I loved his father and that it was possible to have a healthy, happy life after your parents divorced. There were so many factors I couldn't possibly fathom, but there was no need to dwell on those now. I needed to give Edward my response.

Yes, for Edward, I absolutely could handle having Finn here in California with us. With _us_.

I reached out for his other hand and held both of his sandwiched between mine lovingly. "I can handle it. _We_ can handle it, baby. As long as we're together, we'll tackle whatever we have to in order to make it happen," I told him with a sincere smile. Our life together wouldn't be without complications, but we could make it work.

"And what if it doesn't work out? What then, Bella?" he asked seriously. "If I can't get the custody changed, is that it for us?"

"No!" I answered immediately. I didn't want to go back to living in dreary Washington, especially after enjoying my fast paced life in L.A., but something had to give.

"So...what does that mean?"

I searched for the right words. "You're taking a huge risk. For me," I said, reaching out and brushing my hand across his cheek. "I love you for that because I know how you feel about divorce and separating a child from his parents. The fact that you're willing to make such huge changes for both you and Finn is the most amazing testament of your love for me."

As I spoke, slow tears began to stream down my face. I quickly rolled my shoulders to wipe my eyes at the top of my sleeves. Edward moved his chair around the table to be closer to me, supplying me with the comfort that only his touch could provide, but he maintained enough distance that we could still look at each other as we talked.

"Shh…don't cry, love. Something will work out for us," he promised. "There are no circumstances that could keep me from you now."

"Thank you," I said, looking at him through puffy, red eyes. "I know I'm stubborn and unmoving, but if me coming home is the only way, I…I can do that."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Edward. Every single bit of this scares me to death because I cannot handle the thought of _not_ being with you. Not after waiting and everything else we've gone through. If you can't move, then I'll just have to."

He opened his mouth to protest or ask something, I wasn't sure which, but I didn't let him get that far before I continued.

"You know I don't want to live there again, but I know that you don't want to leave Finn without one of his parents. If I have to choose between California and you, I choose you. I choose _us_ because I don't feel whole without you anymore.

"No matter what happens, there are going to be rough patches. If you move for me, Finn will be away from Carissa, you'll have to let him go for holidays, there will be adjustments with new schools and jobs, and so much more. But in the same respect, if I move, _I_ have to find a new job, we'll need to form some kind of working relationship with Carissa…. Can you see where I'm going here?"

His hand rubbed up and down my arm, creating a path that his eyes followed until they locked with mine once more. "We'll figure this out. Doors don't open without a reason. If I have faith in anything, it's that, Bella. There was a reason you needed to come down here two years ago, and there's a reason we're together again. If Finn and I are supposed to come here, things will work in our favor. If not, well, that'll be a different door, right?"

"Right," I agreed, though the thought of uprooting my life again made me feel ill, especially now that I had my best friends and a great job here. I didn't want to feel so uneasy about it, considering that Edward was willing to do the same thing to be with me, so I forced myself to focus on him. Being together would make whatever was in our future worthwhile, and if that meant I had to move, so be it. I loved and cared about Edward enough to go back.

The next two days of his visit were spent consumed with logistical details of his prospective move. We discussed living arrangements, drove around looking for good neighborhoods and schools, and began scoping out local garages and auto shops. Car modifications were a big thing in this area, so that gave Edward a good idea of what he had to work with down here. He wasn't sure if he would be able to open his own business again, but he didn't rule out the possibility.

Between all of that and my work, there was very little time for anything else. Our exhaustion added to my nervousness about intimacy, and Edward continued to be very respectful. It was actually me who initiated a quick slide around second base the morning he was leaving. I had been lying behind him with my arm draped over his body. In my half-waking state in the dark early morning hours, I had accidentally brushed over his erection. The temptation was too great, and I slid my hand beneath his pajama pants. It felt so good to touch him and have him completely at my mercy that way. He rolled toward me, gratefully accepting the gesture and then returning it eagerly with a dopey grin on his face. I halted our progress when my alarm clock went off, sprinting for the bathroom and locking the door before getting in the shower. I giggled happily when I heard the muted thud of a pillow hitting the door.

Edward was playfully annoyed when I emerged, but I promised to make an appointment with my doctor as soon as he was gone. That seemed to satisfy him temporarily. With all the new promise of our future, I knew that I would not resist the next time we were together. Those thoughts excited me to no end, but I behaved and didn't tease Edward with them.

………………

While my life in L.A. pressed on, Edward continued talking to his lawyers on a pretty regular basis about selling his business and the custody issue with Finn. At the same time, I did research on different auto service businesses in the area. Emmett had a lot of contacts in a variety of businesses, so he helped me dig for information on anyone who may be looking to sell or open a shop. I had a few leads, and I passed each along to Edward. I researched a few fallback job options for myself in the Seattle area, but my hope was riding on things working out for Edward to move.

Being apart became harder with each passing day, especially as the prospect of him moving here eventually increased. We frequently shared how much we missed one another and wanted to be together, but there were times when I held back. It was difficult enough to be apart without drawing more attention to my need to be near him. The video chats helped most of the time, but they never fixed the loneliness. It was such a challenging balance, but we seemed to find the best way to handle everything.

As the end of Finn's school year approached, Edward prepared himself for the inevitable conversation. He waited for a weekend that Carissa had gone to visit her brother's family so that there would be time for Finn to process things before returning to his mother.

"I explained to him that I was thinking about moving away," Edward had told me. "I told him that I would only go if he could come with me and asked him how he felt about living with me. I had to explain that he wouldn't see his mom as much anymore, but he understood."

"How did he react? What did he say?" I asked anxiously.

"He more or less told me that he wanted to stay at my house all the time, so if I wanted to move, he had to come with me."

Edward went on to describe the rest of their conversation to me. He had to go into detail with Finn about how custody works in divorce situations. He also told Finn that he would be leaving his school and all his friends if they moved, but that he could see them when he came to visit his mom.

To Edward's surprise, Finn was actually very excited about the thought of moving. When he was told that his dad wanted to move to California, he started talking about surfing and celebrities. Hearing that his dad knew people who could teach him to surf _and _introduce him to famous people fueled the young boy's excitement. Not wanting to use such things to lure his son, Edward continued to remind him of the more serious aspects of a move that far.

In the end, Finn seemed set on the idea of going anywhere Edward did, as long as he got to be with his dad. He knew that he would have to talk to lawyer and explain to a judge that he wanted to live with his dad, even if it hurt his mom's feelings, but Finn continuously said it was what he wanted. We both hoped his feelings wouldn't waiver if and when he was away from Carissa for an extended period of time.

Edward didn't tell his son about me quite yet, but that was something we could deal with in time. We agreed that with everything else that was happening, it could potentially complicate matters or distract from the primary goal.

A week and a half later, his lawyer had filed the appropriate paperwork to proceed with changes in the custody arrangement. A meeting was arranged with the judge, but before that could happen, Edward had to face Carissa.

It was a strange thing to help him figure out, but I tried to offer Edward the support he needed. We discussed how he would go about starting that conversation, if for no other reason than to allow Edward the opportunity to talk it out and find the best way to break the news to Carissa without damaging their otherwise amicable relationship. The day I knew he was going to break the news to her, I waited anxiously to hear from him.

From what he told me, she was infuriated and then devastated, which truly upset him; he never wanted to hurt her, but it was a necessary evil for him to gain primary custody. She cried, yelled, and protested, but Finn was the one who brought an end to her outburst. He had been in his bedroom at the time and came out when he heard the noise. He was troubled by her reaction, and when she realized that he was taking responsibility for his mother's emotions, she got a hold of herself. Edward explained that it was so similar to the way he had initially blamed himself for the divorce that she immediately straightened up and discussed it seriously with Edward. He was equally distressed by the way Finn was reacting, and it made him nervous that perhaps things would not work out so well. The pressure of choosing one parent over the other in front of a judge was enough to wreck anyone, let alone a nine year old boy.

They managed to discuss things maturely, but not without a lot of disagreement. Carissa's lawyer fought against Edward's, attempting to get the petition thrown out altogether, but Edward was determined. They continually pressed that the child wanted to be with his father and that Carissa was going against the boy's wishes.

I understood that Edward did not wish to villainize Carissa and wanted to avoid that "bitter divorcee" angle, but it was leverage that his lawyer would not allow Edward to forget. If it appeared as though Carissa was attempting to prevent Edward's move, she would paint that picture herself. It was still a disheartening tactic he preferred to avoid, but we both knew that custody cases were seldom easy or simple.

After a great deal of emotional stress and turmoil for Edward, the appointment with the judge finally came. It went faster than he had anticipated. Once the judge met Finn and spoke to him in private, he had very little to say to Carissa and Edward. He took the time to look over their divorce proceedings, the notes from their marriage counselor, and the written statements from each parent. When he saw that the divorce and parental arrangement had been considerably friendly aside from this situation, he ruled in favor of the child.

I was in the middle of phone conference with an agent and a handful of personal assistants planning a birthday bash for an up and coming young actress when I received a call from Edward. I had to ignore it, under the circumstances, and he sent me a text a few moments later.

_Done with the judge, call ASAP! ~E_

The second my conference call ended, I was on the phone with Edward, who was so excited that his voice was shaking. I couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but it sounded as though that may have been the case.

"Baby, it's real! We can move and I'm really coming there to be with you!"

I voiced my congratulations, and at that moment, I wished so badly that I could be there with him. It had been two years since Edward first told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now it was actually happening. The moment was surreal, and I wondered if it was all just a dream – the conversations, our visits since Christmas, Edward being able to move to California – but he excitedly assured me that it was indeed real.

From that point forward, everything was a blur. Edward wanted to move before the new school year began, which meant that he had to get a jumpstart on making all the necessary arrangements to move. He contacted his business lawyer, and they began the steps to make a deal with that prospective buyer Edward had told me about.

There were also the matters of packing, selling his house, having all of Finn's medical and school records transferred, and every other complicated detail of making a huge move like that when you have a business and a child to worry about. For me, the process had been a strain, but I accomplished it fairly easily. Edward had so many more details to deal with, and I didn't even attempt to understand everything. All I could do was support him and offer my assistance from California.

Our biggest obstacle was that Edward's house did not sell right away. He still had not figured out what he would do for work once he arrived, but he had enough savings to be comfortable for a number of months. Worst-case scenario, Emmett offered him a temporary security position at the club, not that Edward really wanted to do that. It was a gracious offer, but it would be impossible for Edward to work nights while Finn lived with him. Given the pending business sale, it would be difficult for him to buy a house in California until the one in Washington sold.

In addition, we were both hesitant about our living arrangements. He wanted me to move in with him right away, but I argued that it would probably be strange for Finn. Once I pointed out that his son didn't really know me and that something so sudden could possibly cause tension in all our relationships, Edward understood and didn't press the issue quite as much. He was looking out for his son's best interest, of course, but he couldn't help it if he wanted to get a jump-start on our life together.

To both our surprise, that issue was easily resolved when I took some time off work to travel to Washington and help Edward pack up his house.

I spent a day with my parents, and once I was at Edward's house, we got to work. I had taken on the task of sorting through items that could be donated to a charity organization while he carefully packed delicate décor items. Granted, he was a man and didn't have many frivolous decorations, but there were a great deal of framed photos and some art on the walls. As we were working, Finn burst through the front door, spouting off about who knows what at some superhuman speed that kids seem to have.

"Whoa, slow down there, buddy," Edward said, laughing lightly at his son. "What are you doing over here today and what do you need?"

"Daaaaaaaad! Are you _listening_? I just said that I was playing baseball with Josh and Alex and Brandon and…and…and, umm, Asher and those two kids who live in the house with the green door and…"

"Okay, Finn, I get it. You were playing baseball," Edward interrupted, still chuckling at the account. I swooned over his endearing paternal affection for his son. "Tell me what happened."

"I hit a homerun!" Finn exclaimed, throwing his arms over his head and smiling victoriously. "It didn't go over the fence, but I got all the way around the bases before they could get me out!"

"That's great, Finn," Edward said, walking over to his son and lifting him into a bear hug. They both laughed and commented on Finn's accomplishment. It was such a sweet moment.

I smiled to myself as I watched the scene play out before me. They were the cutest pair. Finn had gone through a growth spurt since I last saw him and was so long and lanky. His hair showed the signs of summer; it was long and messy with a few pieces falling in his eyes. He wore a smile that was the mirror image of his father's, and my heart swelled with love at the sight of the two of them together. I hoped beyond hope that Finn would someday love me enough to hug me like that, too.

After settling Finn down a bit and getting him a drink, Edward directed him back to where I was working in the dining room.

"Finn, this is my friend, Bella. Can you say hello?"

"Hi, Bella," he said, smiling at me and then chugging a glass of orange juice. He let out an enormous breath after he finished, smiling again through the OJ mustache above his lip.

"Hi, Finn, it's very nice to meet you," I replied.

He looked at Edward with a mix of recognition and question in his eyes. "Hey, didn't I meet her before?"

"Uh, yeah, you did," Edward smiled. "She was here around Christmastime for a visit."

"Ohhhh, now I remember. How come you haven't come over again?" he asked curiously. I looked to Edward for some sort of cue.

"She actually lives in California. Where we're moving," Edward replied for me. "Do you remember those times I went away on the weekends?"

"Uh huh," Finn said with a nod, waiting for more information.

"Well, I was in California visiting Bella and some of our other friends."

Finn looked thoughtful for a moment, glancing back and forth between Edward and me. I waited lip nervously, wondering what he would make of the new information from his father. He looked to Edward.

"Is she, like, your girlfriend?"

I felt my cheeks flush as Edward smiled at me and then at his son. "Yeah, Finn. She's my girlfriend."

He was quiet again for a few moments. When he looked up from his empty glass, his eyes were locked with mine. They had the same intensity as Edward's, which actually intimidated me a little bit. It was such a silly reaction to a young boy, but I couldn't help it.

"Are you going to live with us in California?"

"I, uh…Edward?" I said in surprise. I had absolutely no idea how to field that question. Being a complete asshole, Edward just raised his eyebrows at me and tipped his head toward Finn. I didn't miss the hint of amusement in his eyes. "Umm, no, Finn. I live with some of my friends."

"Why?" he asked, shocking me yet again.

"Excuse me?" I replied, still feeling completely dumbfounded.

"If you're boyfriend and girlfriend, why don't you want to live in the same house?" he asked. "Isn't that what grown ups do when they love each other and stuff?"

His innocent question made my heart thunder in my chest. Was this little boy seriously giving us…his blessing?

Refusing to speak again, I stared at Edward, waiting for him to say something and settle this matter.

"Why don't we all sit down together?" Edward suggested. He headed for the sofa, Finn taking a seat between Edward and me. "Do you really understand what that would mean, Finn?"

"Sure," he shrugged. "It would be like when you and me and mom all lived together, except Bella's not my mom."

"And you would be okay with that?"

"As long as she's not mean or something. Oh, and I want a big bedroom with a TV. So, are you mean?" he asked me.

It had been a while since I'd worked with children and I had almost forgotten how simplistic their worldview could be. Finn didn't care about the complications of the situation; he just wanted to be a kid, have fun, and be happy. His scattered thoughts reminded me of those facts and filled me with joy.

I laughed and smiled at him. "No, I don't think so, but sometimes your dad is and he needs to be tickled!" With that, I reached across and began squeezing Edward's sides. Finn joined in, and before long, we had him pinned to the couch, squirming away from our tickle-fingers.

We settled down eventually, and after Edward took Finn into his bedroom for a private conversation with his son, the boy took off down the street to return to his mom's house.

He came to me immediately, pulling me to stand up and wrapping his arms around my waist. As he tipped his head down to nuzzle into the crook of my neck, his hands roamed my lower back and drifted to my ass. With two handfuls, he gave me a playful squeeze and moaned appreciatively. I giggled at his games, pulling my head back to look at his face.

"Did that really just happen?" I asked.

"It did," he assured me with a confident, cool smile. "We talked about things. I wanted to make sure he really knew what he was saying, and I'm certain that he can handle this. He completely understands what our relationship means, and he's comfortable with it."

"Huh, well, sorry for making such a big deal out of not being able to live with you right away. My bad," I joked, but I still felt nervous. Things had never been so easy or simple for either of us. Was there some catch we weren't seeing?

Sensing my uneasiness, he took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. "No, you were right to be hesitant about it, but it looks like everything is going to work out well now."

He was quiet for a moment, looking thoughtful and serious as he pulled my hair out of its ponytail.

"I'll have to tell Carissa about us now," he said seriously.

"Oh."

"Don't worry about it, though."

I shifted nervously, pulling away from him so that I could gauge his body language a little better. "Are you sure she won't, I don't know…figure out who I am or something?"

"Bella," he said calmly. "It will be fine. She never knew your name or anything about you. It's been two years that we've been separated, so she really has no say in who I date or what I do, as long as Finn is taken care of properly." He took a deep breath and absently drew circles on my hipbone with his thumb. "I'm sure this situation is a little daunting considering the history and the fact that she and I have a child together, but you have to trust me."

"I do," I mumbled, but he wasn't finished.

"I will always care for her in some way, but she will not dictate our future, okay? I want you," he said passionately, his eyes burning for me to understand. "Nothing is going to stand in my way."

I smiled at him, accepting his reassurance before I leaned my cheek against his chest. He was warm and comfortable, and most importantly, he was mine. I hummed in quiet appreciation of that fact, imagining a few of the many possibilities for our future together.

As I considered those things, an idea popped into my mind that I needed to share with Edward.

"Oh my gosh! I know what we can do."

"What are you talking about, love? I can think of a dozen things I'd like to do with you right now," he quipped suggestively.

I smacked his chest lightly and scowled. "I'm being serious."

"Do tell then."

"We can buy a place. I don't know why I didn't think of this before." He opened his mouth to protest, but I silenced him by pressing my finger over his lips. "With the housing market the way it is right now, Emmett bought some investment properties relatively cheap. He's renting them out right now, but he told me a long time ago that, if I wanted to, I could buy one when the time was right."

"You want to buy something from Emmett?" he asked, sounding a bit skeptical.

I frowned at his objection. "What's wrong with that? I've seen them before. They're really quite nice and would only need a little bit of work."

"It's not that," he said carefully, and I wondered what was going on in his mind. "What I meant is, you want to buy something _with_ me?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I still think you guys should move and take the time to get settled in before I officially move in, but we can work out those details later."

He studied my face before replying slowly. "You're sure about this?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked, confused and beginning to feel frustrated.

He smiled suddenly, giving me a quick, hard kiss before pulling away abruptly.

"_What_?" I hissed, unable to fully interpret his actions.

"Bella," he deadpanned. "This is huge. I think it's an amazing idea, and I can't even tell you how ecstatic I am that you're willing to take this big of a step with me."

"You are such a man sometimes, you know that? You're relocating for me. Do you really think I'd be anything but serious about our future? And anyway, if I go in on the loan with you, there shouldn't be any issue with you being approved, even if this house doesn't sell before then. Right?"

"Yeah, I think you're right about that. We'd have to check with the bank, of course, but it sounds plausible. I'd want to know more about the neighborhood and school district first, but if you say it's a worthwhile venture, I trust you."

"Both places are actually just a couple blocks from where I live now. You already know what that area is like, and we have the information on the schools. I can pull it out when I get back home and email it to you."

Then, as if a switch had been flipped, Edward was suddenly staring at me with the most gorgeous, sensual look in his eyes. I felt hypnotized by his intense gaze, locked with mine and forcing me to look deeper, see something greater. Instinctively, I took half a step back; if he were an animal, I would have thought he was going to eat me. That very well may have been his intention in that moment.

"Bella…"

"Y-yes?"

"You are so fucking amazing, you know that?"

"Umm, no?" I gulped.

He chuckled at me and tightened his grip on my waist. His other hand traced over my face, tucking a chunk of hair behind my ear as he gazed down at me.

"God, I feel like it's taken us forever to get here, but now that it's really happening, it seems like it's all moving so fast."

"I know," I agreed.

"I can't wait until I can have you every single day, fall asleep with you every night, and wake up to your beautiful face every morning."

With those sweet sentiments, his lips slowly trailed from my temple to my lips. My fingers curled into his hair, tugging lightly in response to the wonderful things his kisses alone made me feel. Before I realized what was really happening, I was being pushed to walk backwards. I opened my eyes and recognized that we had moved into Edward's bedroom, but I made no objections as he lowered me onto his bed. I slid back, struggling to keep my mouth on his as we lay down together. When he rolled us to our sides and scooted away slightly, I pouted.

"I just need to know if this is okay," he asked, with each word spoken as though it was carefully thought out first.

"Yes," I answered simply. "Everything I have, everything I am is yours."

Just like that, we both understood what was going to happen. After all this time being separated and not truly being with anyone, this was real. I wanted him so fucking much, but I would not rush. I needed him to take charge right now and allow me to submit myself to my undeniable need for him. I needed him to _show_ his love to me this way.

With that permission, he began the process of slowly, worshipfully removing each article of clothing on both our bodies.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, peeling off my shirt and dragging his hands down my torso.

I shivered at his touch and realized that it wasn't just a single involuntary reaction. My entire body began to tremble in anticipation of what we were going to do. Even in our most desperate, lusty encounters, I was not sure it had ever felt this way. Maybe it had and time had just dulled those memories. It didn't matter, though. We were coming together with a new hope for what our life could be like.

For a moment, I forgot all my fears. I released the nagging doubts that were embedded in my gut because of the way our relationship began. Over three years had passed since we met, and in that time, we had both been through so much. We were different now; we were better than who we had been when we first met.

Edward was not the man lost in a marriage with someone he was loyal to as a trusted friend, but not in love with any longer. I had evolved from the damaged, foolish young woman who used sex for control and confidence. In my time away from Edward, and all other men for that matter, I had learned how to be strong without physical and sexual approval of others. We still had our vices. Neither of us was perfect or "fixed," whatever that meant. There were valleys and mountains to trek, but this time, we would face them together. That was what made being close to Edward this way so incredible.

He alternated between the two of us, removing a piece of clothing from me, then mirroring it with his own. Shirts, pants, and undergarments were all shed carefully, slowly. Every movement and moment had intention and meaning. We didn't have to hide. We didn't have to rush. We didn't have to return to different lives with different people. When this ended, we could stay together and do whatever we pleased. I would leave to return to California eventually, but I knew he would soon follow. Then, there would be nothing foreseeable that would separate us.

His fingertips curled around the edges of my lace panties, tugging them down a little bit at a time. Once I lifted my bottom from the bed slightly, his task became much easier. His fingers skimmed down the outside of my legs, but even without touching me in more intimate places, my skin was on fire. I could feel the blazing trail his hands left in their wake as they moved lower and lower. Down my thighs, over the joint of my knees, across the defined muscles of my calves, and finally to my feet where the blue lace was released. Each touch was reverent and cherished. He stayed there a few moments, looking over my naked body displayed for him in the middle of his bed. I smiled, understanding his need to drink in every single inch of flesh.

"All yours," I assured him, reaching out to stroke his cheek. "And mine," I added, grazing my fingers down over his shoulder.

"Yes," he agreed, licking his lips and nodding. Now that he had me naked, he looked as though he wasn't sure where to start.

My eyes roamed his body in return, coming to rest on the boxer shorts that shielded him from my view and my touch. When he noticed the path my gaze had taken, he slid off the end of the bed, taking his time as he pushed the black material off his hips. It fell to the floor inaudibly, and I smiled at my own visual feast. He was beautiful, somehow more beautiful than I remembered. We had seen one another in the shower not that long ago, but my mind was so set on resisting him at that point that I had not been able to fully appreciate the sight. Each inked mark on his body reminded me of the corresponding stories he had told me over the last three years. I smiled at the sight of the one he got with me at Christmastime.

"Tell me what you want," he spoke softly, still standing at the end of the bed. We were both comfortable in our own skin, but this situation felt like _more_. We weren't just preparing for sex, we were sharing and giving ourselves over to one another.

"Anything," I answered honestly. "I want you to touch me any way _you_ want. I want it to be exactly what you want because that will tell me what you're thinking and feeling."

He groaned at my response, coming to the end of the bed and kneeling at my feet. I thought he was going to lie beside me, but he surprised me by rubbing his hands up and down the lower half of my legs. "Roll over, baby."

I did as he asked, completely trusting him and also dying to know what he had in mind. Once on my stomach, I rested my head on my forearms, angling my neck to glance back at him.

"Close your eyes, love. Feel me."

Even though I wanted to see him, I did it. His hands on my body relaxed me, even if he was only touching my legs.

Moving carefully, his hands traveled higher, but did not move inward with any salacious intent. I was surprised when I felt his lips press against the back of my calve. His mouth and hands both moved up at an excruciating pace, massaging and grazing with palpable love.

My breathing increased as he drew closer to my center, but I innately understood that he had no intention of stopping there just yet. When he came to my bottom, he gripped my cheeks in both hands, squeezing and kneading the firm flesh for a few moments. As his palms slipped to my hips, he placed one tender kiss on each side before moving his lips to the small of my back.

I could no longer control how I responded to his touch. I wiggled and breathed quiet little moans as he continued whatever journey he was on at the moment. While his hands rubbed up and down along the length of my torso, he planted kisses all over my back. Some were soft little pecks that filled the room with their sweet smackering sound. Others opened to allow his tongue to drag over the expanse. Those ones held their own distinct sound, wet and sucking.

"Oh god, Edward," I whimpered, pressing my forehead into the mattress to alleviate some of the wonderful tension. "So…amazing…"

"I love you so much, my Bella," he responded slowly, moving up my body further. His legs were straddled on either side of me, but he did not rest the weight of his body against mine.

I felt his hands move to my hair, fluffing the long strands over my shoulders. He carefully brushed in to the left, and I turned my face to the right, placing my cheek against my folded arms. His fingertips ran over the lines of my tattoo on my shoulder blade. It was long since healed, but he lingered along each shape and curve as if the raised marks were still there. After several minutes of reverent attention to the art he had designed, his lips took the place of his fingers. I could literally feel his love through the action, and it made me smile.

Moving higher to the top of my shoulder, he nuzzled down and pressed his lips to mine. I lifted myself onto my elbows, raising myself and turning my head back further to meet him in the sweet kiss. It only lasted a minute at the strange angle, as he was still hovering over me. My repositioning allowed me to feel more of him against my back, and I relished the contact.

His mouth released mine, moving over my cheek until he was at my ear. He lapped at the lobe, tracing the tip of his tongue over the edge before sucking on the sensitive spot between my ear and jaw. I moaned in appreciation, which encouraged him to rest his hands on my shoulders. I kept the pressure on my elbows as he descended upon my neck, lavishing the thin, sensitive skin with kisses of varying intensities. I knew some of his harder, more passionate kisses would leave love bites, but I could not find it in myself to care. When he smoothed my hair from one shoulder to the other, I tilted my head to accept him on my left, where he continued his intoxicating attention.

I wanted to go faster, but at the same time, I never wanted it to end. He could do this to me all day long and it would never be enough. He was my everything, and as long as I had his hands or mouth on me, I would be okay.

In the quiet stillness of the room, our tender noises were the only disruption of the calm. We hummed and moaned to one another, exchanging a few words of adoration and love in the midst of the sounds of passion, but it was difficult to speak of anything when he was doing such glorious things to my body.

The intensity was incredible, and I hardly noticed one of his hands descending my body until it moved between us and then between my thighs. He nudged them apart softly, and I did not hesitate to open myself to his desire. His touch was just as gentle and worshipful as all the others had been, though I never would have expected anything else. I cried out when he reached my moist, heated flesh, and called even louder when one of his fingers slipped inside me. I never knew that one single, thin digit could do such mind-blowing things to my entire body.

My appreciative cries were a chorus of thanks for the sensations he created. I wanted all of him, to be consumed by him, but I also wanted to treasure this.

When he moved his other hand down, pressing against my inner thigh to move my legs apart a little more, I allowed him what he had requested. I told him that I wanted whatever he chose to do, and I meant it. This was how he needed to feel my body, and that reality fueled my desire. I wanted him in every way humanly possible, and perhaps a few that were not. I tried to look over my shoulder as he held himself in his hand and pressed into me, but the angle was not right. Instead, I did as he requested and felt him. I focused on every millimeter of movement, soaking up the intensity of being with him this way until he was fully seated inside me.

He whispered words of love once more, propped on his elbows at either side of my shoulders as I held myself on my elbows as well. His erection immediately hit the most sensitive places within me thanks to this position, and I did not hold back my response. I would have bitten my tongue off if I attempted to quell those reactions.

My legs were spread wide, knees bent to steady myself against the mattress as he pressed into me over and over again. I never wanted him to stop. The position forced my pelvis into the bed, subsequently rubbing my clit against the blankets. It was a strange and foreign sensation, but it was so good because it was still Edward doing it to me.

He tried to speak to me more, but neither of us was capable of producing anything that resembled a comprehendible phrase. It didn't matter. We could both feel, not only what our coupling did to our sensitive places, but also what this meant in our hearts.

This was Edward, my Edward, claiming me and loving me after over two years without him this way. All our time apart finally made sense. I understood why I could not be intimate with anyone else. My mind's eye was opened to the reality of my disinterest in any other man. No matter how many times I would have tried, no one could have filled the hole in my heart because they were not _this_ man. He was the one who was meant to fill me in every sense of the word. Each moment of sexual frustration and agony was now worthwhile. I would not have wanted to give this gift to anyone else. It belonged to Edward, just as he belonged to me.

He stunned me when he pulled away, removing himself from my center without warning. I whimpered for him, but he alleviated my torment immediately.

"Come here," he whispered, tugging on my shoulder to turn and sit up as he moved around on the bed.

He sat cross-legged at the head of the bed, a stack of pillows behind him. I went to him again, positioning myself in his lap, as he requested. Once I was situated and he was sheathed within me again, I moved my legs one at a time, wrapping them around the sides of his body.

We were finally face to face, staring into one another's eyes as he lifted his hips and I rose and fell on his length. He was so deep and perfect this way, and I never wanted it to end. Finally, our mouths melded together, joining in a series of needful kisses, some slow, some fast, all full of hot breaths and hungry lips. His hands alternated between my breasts and my waist, taking in as much of me as possible. This position was faster than the last. The intention was clear. That had been a build, the precursor to the ultimate chain of events.

When holding onto one another was no longer enough, I reached behind him, winding my hands around the twisted wrought iron bars of the bed frame. I held them tightly, certain that my knuckles were pale white and devoid of circulation, as his fingers dug into my ass. There would probably be bruises there, and perhaps a few punctures from his nails, but none of that mattered. He couldn't touch me hard enough, no matter how much he tried. It would never be enough until we could somehow bond ourselves into one single entity. This was the closest we would ever get, but for now, it _was_ enough.

My legs cinched around his narrow, muscled waist as the inferno blazed. My arms stiffened at his sides, elbows locked, and hands holding the black metal bars impossibly harder. I threw my head back as the pyre consumed me, but I still felt his mouth attach to my exposed skin, sucking, biting, and loving as he followed me into the sweet ecstasy. My hips shifted roughly, pressing forcefully and hard against his, nearly impaling me with his length.

When I came down from the high, I caught the tail end of his release. The expression on his face was gorgeous and euphoric, and I couldn't help but kiss him and smile. I returned my hands to his shoulders as the blood came rushing back to my limbs. He rocked slowly, allowing himself to come out of the haze gradually. My fingers trailed over his collarbone, up his neck, and finally rested on his cheeks. I cupped his face in my hands, locking us in a serious gaze.

"I love you," I said, pouring my entire soul into those three words. Resting my forehead against his in our old way, I repeated the sentiment over and over again. "I love you, I love you, I love you, Edward Cullen."

"And I love you, Isabella."

Steeling myself with a hard breath, I closed my eyes in a long blink before returning them to him. "You are, without a doubt, completely…"

"Worth the wait," he said sweetly, finishing my thought with a crooked half smile on his lips.

Our minds were in the exact same place. He _was_ worth the wait. He thought that _I _was worth the wait. We loved one another, and we were ready for our life together to begin.

It was enough. It was all we needed.

* * *

_You wait for me  
Ever so patiently  
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and  
__It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me**  
Theory of a Deadman**_

__


	29. Chapter 29 Epilogue

**A/N: ****All characters, products, and songs are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fanfiction is mine.**

**And so we've reached the end. When I began this story nearly a year ago, it was on a whim. Practically everything I had read at that time had perfect cookie cutter scenarios and very few felt like "real life" to me. (At the time I had also never seen a Tattward or Daddyward, and I only knew of 2 stories with Jasper/Bella – my, how times have changed!) So I sat down and typed up the first chapter of a story that had dangerous circumstances with characters we innately wanted to be together. It became a whirlwind from there. I never imagined I would garner so many readers or make so many friends in the process. I appreciate each and every person who has been a part of this journey, and I especially thank those who have reviewed. You are a minority and your words have encouraged me. If I made you feel conflicted along the way, I suppose I did my job.**

**I do not condone cheating at all. Nonetheless, sometimes life takes us by surprise and we end up in situations we never thought we'd be in. That is what I wanted to do with these characters. I'm sorry for those I've offended or upset with this topic, and I appreciate those who have come to me privately and shared their own experiences. Please bear in mind that I never promised that these characters would be perfect in the end, nor that everything would be fair. You'll also notice that this story is labeled "angst/drama" and not "romance" for a reason.  
**

**Thanks to everyone who ever tweeted, blogged, or rec'd this story to a friend. Thanks for putting me on your Favorite story & author lists. It flatters me more than you'll ever know. The greatest thanks go to 4lettrwrd, my Alpha, for my beautiful banner & endless friendship – to keepingupwiththekids, who started as a reader & became a friend & English teacher – to Project Team Beta and my PTB betas Vi0lentSerenity & isoldephi, who both challenged and guided me greatly.**

**There will be a few outtakes posted in the NMTB Extras eventually. Please keep this story on your alerts, as I will post at least one bonus item here at some point.**

**Even if you have never reviewed, I hope you will take a moment to leave me a few words. Whether you love it or hate it, I would really like to know that you're here. I hope I'll see you again when I begin my next story (it will be an E/B AU-vamp story) **

**Songs: Everything – The Juliana Theory, Breathe – Anberlin & Anything – Mae**

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_How are you feeling? What are your reasons?  
Do you feel love or a lack thereof?_

_  
Love is a bond without reason, a cry for connection, a light in your eyes.  
Love is a reason for living, a reason for trying, a reason for life._

_Forget the feeling. Forget all of your reasons.  
Life is love or the lack thereof._

_Love is a bond without reason, a cry for connection, a light in your eyes._

_Love is a bond without reason, a cry for connection, a light in your eyes.  
Love is a reason for living, a reason for dying._

_Love is everything. Love is everything. Love is everything._

_Oh love, you move me.  
Oh love, you move me.  
Love move in me.  
Love, move me.  
Love is everything._

_**The Juliana Theory**_

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_What I didn't realize was how difficult it really was to be responsible for someone else's child._

Edward and Finn moved to Los Angeles in late August, just before the start of the school year. Finn entered fourth grade at a new school while Edward sought out business options.

It was wonderful, it really was. We were together, and we were incredibly happy for that fact.

Once the three of us settled into a routine, the reality of our circumstances set in more than they had initially. I was not used to living with a child in my home. I knew how to watch my mouth around kids, considering my job as a preschool teacher prior to moving to L.A., but it was different around the house. Finn was a good kid most of the time, but all kids have their quirks. With Edward pursuing a new career, I was usually the one with Finn after school to help with homework and talk to him about his day.

I grew to love Finn very much. I already had a strong affection for him thanks to all the stories I had heard over the last few years, but we found something that was our own.

I always tried to make time to nurture his interests. When I learned of his vast baseball card collection, I had my parents dig my old binders out of the closet in my childhood bedroom and send them to me. It was a hobby my dad and I had shared for a few years, during that stage of childhood when I craved his constant attention but before I became consumed with "girly" fads. Finn was ecstatic when I gave my collection to him, and Edward was touched by my gesture.

Finn seemed to like me a lot with the exception of times when he wanted Edward's attention or was upset about something. Those were the moments he wanted nothing to do with me, despite our blossoming relationship. I tried to be understanding and remember that he was still a child, but it was a challenge at times.

One of the hardest parts for me was that without being his parent, I was assuming that role, whether he liked it or not. I hated reprimanding and punishing him, and he hated it even more. To avoid any rifts or problems to develop in the future, Edward and I truly attempted to maintain consistency in everything we did concerning Finn.

No matter what we did, there would always be bumps in the road. That was life in a family, whether we were a biological one or not. Now that I had both of my men in my life, I could not imagine it without them. That was the truth that made it all worthwhile.

School was an adventure. Most of the teachers were very accepting of the fact that I was a major player in Finn's life, but some wrote me off and would not speak to me about school matters, instead requesting Edward for such things. How was I supposed to maintain my role if the other adults in his life would not comply?

Having Finn with us also changed the dynamic of my relationship with Edward. It wasn't as though we could just give into our physical need for one another whenever we liked. I didn't resent the boy for that, but it wasn't easy for me, especially when our relationship was truly just beginning.

Our social life, or mine in particular, suffered in similar ways. Then again, I was content to be at home with Edward as opposed to being out and about with people who didn't matter as much to me. It was just disappointing when we wanted to do something together and couldn't because we didn't have a baby-sitter.

I wasn't unhappy, nor was I ungrateful. It was all just so different from what I had imagined. Granted, what I conjured up in my mind was based on my desires, not experience or true understanding of what this lifestyle would be like for all of us.

All in all, we were happy, but there was always something. The experience helped me gain a better picture of what may have happened with Edward's marriage. We were not by any means giving in to a routine, monotonous relationship, but I could see how that kind of thing could happen to a couple with all the other distractions of life.

………………

_What I didn't realize was how jealous we would be._

No matter how hard I tried, the sight of another woman getting too close to my man infuriated me. I _knew_ that Edward only wanted me. Our love was passionate and true, but jealousy was difficult to keep at bay. Too often, my mind would stray to paranoid, unfounded thoughts. I would remind myself of the way that we found each other and wonder if that could happen again. It was silly because…well, because we knew in our hearts how we each felt.

Edward was my soul mate and my everything. The thought of losing him frightened me. We weren't Edward and Carissa, nor were we Rosalie and Felix, but the fear was still there beneath the surface. My mind could not process the possibility of us _not_ working out.

I hated the fact that insecurities still existed for both of us. We knew that our relationship would not even exist if we did not truly want and love one another, but foolish doubts came too easily at times. He had cheated on his wife with me. I had willingly carried on a sexual relationship with him, knowing that he was married. It wasn't an every day issue, and we rarely discussed it, but there were moments when it surfaced.

The first time this occurred was during Christmas the year Edward and Finn moved. We had all flown to Washington together, and Finn spent a few days with us there before going with his mom. She was to fly back with him on New Years Day, so we returned to L.A. the day after Christmas. That week provided us with the rare opportunity for private time, a few dates, and a couple nights when Edward was able to come to Rendezvous while I worked.

He unintentionally played eye candy to a slew of scantily clad women, which made me grit my teeth every time I saw it happen. I was working, so it wasn't as though I could be at his side the entire night. He mostly hung around the bar, talking to Rosalie or Emmett, as well as some of the other employees. That didn't keep the women from coming to him, though. Edward is gorgeous, a fact that I have acknowledged since the moment I met him, so it shouldn't have been a surprise to me. It was extremely difficult to refrain from storming across the club and slapping a bitch every time one got too close. Thankfully, Edward politely denied each attempt to gain his attention, always catching my eyes to offer me a reassuring smile.

When we arrived home in the early morning hours and finally had time to be alone and to talk, I learned that he was just as jealous and antsy about the men he saw staring at me throughout the night. After all this time, I hardly noticed that kind of attention anymore. I had grown accustomed to tuning out the ridiculous pick-up lines and catcalls that came my way over the course of a night. His unusually aggressive behavior in bed matched the possessiveness I had been feeling, which we both admitted while laying in bed talking following our intense lovemaking. It felt good to know that we were both feeling worked up over other people trying to get a piece of what was ours.

New Years Eve came a few days later, and I celebrated my third year at Rendezvous. The festivities were great each year, but this one was extra special with Edward there to enjoy it with me. Emmett was much more lenient about Edward hanging around me while I worked, which I was quite grateful for, to be honest. I never expected that it would actually cause more trouble.

I introduced him to a few athletes and actors I had gotten to know while working there. Edward could charm the pants of pretty much anyone, and fame didn't seem to hinder his natural abilities. He was soon wrapped up in conversations of his own, and I continued with my duties for the night.

Things turned hectic as we approached midnight, so I was busy assisting waitresses with drinks while Edward socialized. Upon returning to the V.I.P. section after one round, I found Edward talking to some D-list reality TV star-turned-actress. I knew from her frequent visits to Rendezvous that this girl was especially handsy, and my anger flared at the sight of her with my man. He spotted me as he glanced over her shoulder to me, holding his hands out in submission. His look said, "She's the one talking to me," but she obviously didn't see things that way. I tried to stay focused on my tasks and allow him to handle the situation himself, but that was easier said than done. When that dark-haired slut placed her hand on his chest and laughed, I dropped what I was doing and moved to his side.

"Oh, Amber, I see you've met my boyfriend, Edward," I sneered, linking my arm with his.

"Bella," she greeted, but her tone was of utter distaste. I wished someone would pull the stick out of her ass.

"Yep, this is my girl," Edward confirmed, wrapping an arm around my waist and nuzzling into my neck to place a kiss there. "Remember? I told you she worked here."

"Huh, I must have missed that part," she said.

Edward rolled his eyes and provided us with an out. "Well, it's getting close to midnight. I think I'll help Bella get the champagne distributed so I can get my kiss when the ball drops. You have a nice night now."

With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me away. Once we were free, I took the lead, heading straight for my office. I pinned him against the door, kissing him hard as I unfastened his pants and shoved them down forcefully.

"I could fucking kill that girl for touching you," I growled, squeezing him a little harder than normal. He hissed at the pressure, but bucked his hips toward my hand.

"I noticed," he laughed against my lips, attempting to weasel his hands inside my wrap dress, but I slapped them away.

Falling to my knees, I showed him who he belonged to, though I'm certain he didn't need a reminder. I chuckled to myself as I heard the crowd begin the countdown out in the club. Increasing my speed, he shot down my throat just moments after the noise of the New Year erupted. I'm not ashamed to admit that I felt extremely smug about that accomplishment.

Standing to kiss him once more, I looked him in the eyes, narrowing my gaze to demonstrate the intensity of my plans.

"I love the shit out of you, and when we get home, I am going to fuck you all night long, baby."

He groaned in appreciation of my demanding, dominant words.

Jealousy had its downfalls, but it also had its perks.

………………

_What I didn't realize was what a headache an ex-wife can be._

After two years with Finn, being around Carissa was no easier than the first awkward meeting. I was always paranoid that she would know something about me, even if Edward never let on who I was or how we met. Not that she said anything about that, because she didn't, but I still had a nagging suspicion every time she looked at me.

Although I knew they were not as close as they used to be, Edward still spoke to Carissa on a regular basis. Most of the conversations revolved around their son, but old habits die hard. I would bite my tongue every time she called and ended up keeping Edward on the line for over an hour.

As kind and amicable as she was toward her ex-husband, I did not receive the same welcome. That was what made me suspicious of her knowledge. She very well could have just disliked me because I was with her ex, or she could resent the fact that I was the main female role model in Finn's life these days, other than when he was visiting her.

The dirty looks faded with time, but she had a way of blowing me off whenever I was around. Her utter disregard hurt my feelings because I really did try to form a working relationship with her. Even when she started dating again, it didn't change very much. I tried to be cordial and polite, but it often felt pointless. No matter how many times I asked Edward about it, he assured me that she harbored no ill will. Sometimes it felt as though there were double standards for Edward and me. Then again, he was her best friend since childhood. I was essentially a nobody.

Occasionally, I would feel her pull the mom card when the three of us discussed Finn together. I always tried to maintain the perspective that I didn't have children of my own and that their wishes for Finn came first because he was their son. I tried very hard to do things in a way that she would approve.

She was not a bad person, and I didn't wish to make her sound that way, but there was always something. I could only assume that her distaste with me had to do with Edward moving away with Finn. I was the reason for that move, so there was likely a bit of resentment toward me. I frequently attempted to put myself in her frame of mind when I felt frustrated about the complications of our circumstances. She was a nearly every day part of our lives, and I had to learn to accept that. Just as Finn came with the Edward package, so did Carissa, in a less direct manner.

I did my best to be friendly, and even though she was very standoffish with me, there were occasional breaks from the unwanted tension. I wished there could be consistency in that, but all relationships take time, especially ones like this. Every minute positive interaction gave me hope, though life would have been much easier if Edward had never been married.

……………

_What I didn't realize was how co-dependent we would become._

Having Edward with me every day made me extremely selfish. In the beginning, I had shared him, and he had shared me. We were not serious or committed to one another. As things progressed, we still had no claim on one another, so we were able to accept infrequent visits without too much anxiety. When I moved, not being able to see each other sucked, but that was the way things were. I was not accustomed to having him around, so it was surprisingly manageable to handle missing him.

Together at last, I wanted to spend every single free moment with him. I was not surprised that Edward shared those feelings with me.

Other things in life became less important to me. His place, and Finn's, added new routines and obligations to my daily life. I still loved my friends and enjoyed being around them, but my priorities were different. There was never enough time for Edward, so almost all of my free time went to him.

At first, Rosalie worried that I was slipping into the same pattern that I had with James. I denied her accusations, reassuring her that my decisions were based on what I wanted, not what my boyfriend wanted, as it had been with my ex. Not to mention we had Finn. I didn't think my friends would truly grasp that dynamic until they had their own children.

Our co-dependency was something that Edward and I discussed often and seriously. We knew that it couldn't possibly be typical for couples to be as attached as we were, but there was no way to stop it. Even though he jokingly called me his "drug of choice," we agreed that unless we stopped being able to work or we allowed our friendships with other people to slip away, we weren't really harming anyone. I needed him, desperately.

In a way, our devotion to one another helped us bond as a family with Finn. We did good things together - exercising, reading, watching movies, going to sporting events and museums, and visiting the beach. I could no longer imagine my life without both of them in it.

Unfortunately, my late nights presented certain challenges, but we were fiercely determined to appreciate every single moment we had been allotted.

That connection kept our sex life active and exciting. There were, of course, those times when schedules, sleep patterns, and obligations did not align in our favor, but the tempestuous attraction we had for one another kept the fire burning. Even after all the time that passed, I still had an insatiable need for Edward. We would easily lose ourselves in our lovemaking, only breaking from the disarray when sleep or Finn forced us back into reality.

Our relationship was built upon so much more than sex, but that remained a major component of who we were together. I needed his touch, his taste, and his scent to level me and get me through each day. The way I felt about him was almost painfully intense.

………………

_What I didn't realize was that love really _isn't_ enough._

"Come again?" he asked incredulously. "Did you seriously just turn me down?"

"Edward," I pleaded, but he did not allow me to speak.

"Don't. Just_…don't_. What the fuck are we doing, Bella?"

"I'm not saying no, baby. I'm just saying not right now."

"This is fucking ridiculous," he groaned, staring down at the ring pinched between his thumb and forefinger. I watched his other hand rip through his hair, and I felt the immediate need to be near him.

I dropped down into the sand with him, pulling his unwilling body against mine. "Can we talk about this? Please?"

Edward and I had discussed marriage before. I told him I wasn't ready.

He reluctantly wrapped his arms around my back and rested his forehead against my shoulder. The warm air of this late August evening danced over us in a typical beach breeze. I inhaled the salty air, willing the right words to come to me.

"I love you, Edward. You know this, and you know that I'm no good without you."

"That makes two of us," he grumbled.

"I _know_, but I can't do this yet. It's too soon."

"Baby," he said, looking up at me and meeting my eyes. "We've known each other for five years. I've been in love with you for nearly as long. Haven't you?"

I sighed. "Yes, you know I have, but that's not the point." I struggled to find the right words to make him understand my perspective.

"Then elaborate," he said. His tone was almost cold, but I didn't allow that to hurt me. Beneath that front was a man whose eyes begged me not to crush the heart I held in my hands.

"I get that it feels like a really long time, but there have been so many changes and ups and downs along the way. That makes it feel so much shorter to me," I explained. "And I like where we are right now. Things may not be perfect, but they're comfortable. I want to enjoy that."

"Why would that have to change?" he pressed. "You've told me more times than I can count that you want this forever. I thought this was part of our plan."

Shifting off my knees, I sat in the sand. I pulled him down as well, forcing his legs to open and arranging him just so. Once I had him in the position I desired, I settled myself in the empty space, leaning my back against his chest. Swaddling me in a warm embrace, we stared out at the ocean together. The never-ending crash and splash of rolling waves filled my ears.

The truth was, I felt terrible turning down Edward's proposal. He had planned a wonderful night together that involved a romantic dinner and a barefoot walk on the beach before he dropped to one knee and pulled the sparkling diamond from his pocket. I wanted that future for us…eventually. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted him forever, but I wasn't ready for that step yet.

Maybe we _had_ been together long enough to start talking about marriage, but the idea frightened me. I did not question Edward's commitment, but fear was winning this war. Even though we lived, loved, and raised his son together, marriage would change things. I didn't really think anything could separate us after all we had been through, but there was still apprehension about the possible danger and heartache. If I gave my life to Edward in that way, he would have the power to kill me. If we somehow failed, my life would be over. There was no getting around that fact.

He had been married to his best friend, and even that could not work. I understood that those circumstances were quite different from ours, but it was still daunting. I trusted him implicitly with my heart; I just couldn't get my head to the same place yet.

I asked him to wait until I was ready. I told him how I felt, and he did this anyway. That was what hurt. That was why I had to say no. If we weren't going to start on the same page, we would obviously be living on different pages in the figurative book of us. We needed level playing ground and understanding.

"Why aren't I enough?" he asked as I struggled to find my words. "I thought… You know how much I fucking need you, Bella." His voice was starting to break, and I was selfishly thankful that I couldn't see his face. I did at least offer some comfort by reaching a hand behind us and playing with the hair at the back of his head.

"You are enough, Edward. I just need time to get there."

"You don't make sense," he sighed. "You say you want to spend your life with me, but you refuse to commit yourself to our relationship."

"No, that's not true," I protested. "I _do_ want to spend my life with you, and I want to marry you _someday_. It's not time yet."

"What do I need to do to make you want this like I do?"

His sorrowful pleas hurt too much. Needing to stop them, I bit the bullet and poured out all my feelings and worries to him.

"Baby, you don't need to do anything," I said, turning around to face him. I remained in the sand between his legs, but mine now rested on either side of his waist. One of my arms draped over his shoulder as I toyed with his sideburns with my other hand. His arms automatically slid back around my waist. "You're perfect, Edward. You're everything to me, and I could never want more than you, I'm just not there yet."

"Why? Please tell me?" he pleaded.

I shook my head, as if I could alleviate my nerves that way. "I know the circumstances were different, but you've done this before. You've been married. I haven't, and it scares the shit out of me. Don't get me wrong, though. I love you and have no doubts about our future…I just need more time to process." I hoped that my confession would make me feel like the weight had been lifted, but it didn't. I knew there was more he needed to hear – all of it.

Some of it was so embarrassing to admit because they were issues that we had dealt with numerous times before. Most of them sounded ridiculous when I actually said them aloud. Other things just made me sound crazy. Through it all, Edward held onto me, reassured me, and tried to help me find solutions for my fears.

We laughed, we spoke seriously, and we both cried a little bit, even if Edward denied that he had. In the end, I knew that he had a better understanding and respect for my concerns, but it didn't change his wish or make him refute his proposal.

"I'm just so tired of waiting, baby. I waited two years to get you back in my life, and now I've waited another two to get to this point. I want everything now." The crack in his voice broke me. After all the shit he had been through in his life, I hated contributing to his pain in any way.

"Oh, Edward," I whimpered. A few more hot tears trailed down my cheeks and his arms tightened around me.

"Bella, I love you more than my own life. You and Finn are the most important things to me. I want us to be a real family, all with my last name. I want to see my ring on your finger, my name in your signature, and my child in your belly."

I was quiet for a very long time, and then I explained the rest of my concerns about being on the same page.

"All I'm asking for is a little more time," I said. "Nothing else will change. We'll still be together, we'll still live together, and we'll still be planning for the future. But it needs to be level playing ground. I cannot bear the thought of marrying you if I don't feel one hundred-twenty percent about it. I would still be ecstatic to share your name and your life, but it wouldn't be fair to you. Don't you see? It will be so much more special, so much better when we get married because we can't stand _not_ being married any longer." I pulled him to me, chest to chest, and kissed his neck. "I just want it to be perfect," I whispered.

After many minutes and a bit more conversation from both of us, he assured me that he finally understood what I was feeling that made me deny his proposal, and he agreed to compromise with me. He could wait, but in return, I had to wear some other piece of jewelry from him. I refused to allow him to spend more money on a diamond necklace or bracelet that he insisted on buying for me instead, so we finally agreed that I would wear the engagement ring on a chain around my neck. That way, the beautiful symbol of our commitment would still be on me at all times.

I knew that my hesitance hurt him, but it was important for me to be ready. We had both seen marriages and relationships destroyed for many different reasons, so we knew that, no matter how much you loved someone, you had to work together to have a successful relationship. If we hadn't been willing to do that in our past or the time to come for us, we could never make it.

His job was case in point for that truth. Edward had tried working for someone else shortly after moving to California. The change was immediately awkward for him, as he had been his own boss for a number of years prior. He lacked control over issues at work, and there was very little he could do when there were disagreements in the workplace. It drove him crazy, but it wasn't as though he could get a new business off the ground in a month.

An opportunity rose for him to buy into a pretty reputable shop in the spring of the first year. Negotiations went on for quite some time, but the co-owner he was going to buy out pulled the offer at the last minute, deciding not to retire for another few years. Edward was infuriated, as he had put so much effort into that venture, only to see it shatter in an instant. He was forced to continue working at the first shop a little longer.

In the end, that turned out to be a good thing. That was where he made a connection with a mechanic named Alejandro – better known as Alex - who specialized in exotic foreign vehicles. Over the course of several months, they designed a business model together, secured a loan for the money Edward would need in addition to what he made from selling his garage in Washington, and they began the process of opening a shop together.

It was a stressful, albeit exciting time for everyone. A lot of time, energy, and money went into finding a space, renovating it, purchasing all the necessary equipment and tools, and hiring a competent, dependable staff. Once things got off the ground, it was better, but Edward was still in the midst of the dreaded first year. He was happier than he had been before, and I would be glad to see the time come when everything went a little smoother. He and Alex made a great team, though, and had become good friends in the process.

Regardless of the eventual success of opening a business again, the process still put a strain on our relationship. Work hours were longer and everything was just _more_. More time apart, more rearranging our schedules with Finn, more stress, more to worry about, more, more, more. We had to cling to our love – our foundation – and then rise above it.

Just being in love didn't make things easier, but it did make them worth the price.

We had to work harder at everything. Harder than we had in the time apart. Harder than letting go of our fears and sharing our deepest secrets and thoughts with one another. We had to make conscious, deliberate efforts to refrain from taking our stress out on one another. That included making sure we discussed our problems and worries head-on instead of using sex to avoid and cover the ugly parts of building a life with another person.

Finally being together after all the drama and turmoil did not fix things or give us a perfect life. Even though neither of us could have imagined that the road would lead us to this place, what mattered was that we had one another. No matter what life threw at us, we were committed to working through it as a single unit.

We no longer had to hide anything from one another or other people in our lives. The deceit of our past was behind us. We had both made mistakes and poor choices, but we could not regret those things now because they were a part of the journey that brought us here. Even though the fear of losing one another would occasionally creep in, we now possessed the strength and sensibility to deal with those feelings properly. This life was what we both wanted.

What we realized was that there were so many missing pieces in our former lives and relationships. Those holes could not be filled by the other people we had bound ourselves to because they were never meant to be. This wasn't just like or love or lust. It was a power greater than both of us, a force that continually drew us back into each other's arms no matter how we fought it.

How we went about things in our past was not right, nor was it fair, but it was our story.

Despite all our mistakes, the broken paths we traveled led us to one another. We overcame our indiscretions, and while the process was painful for those involved, everyone was better in the end.

If we had tried to be together immediately after my breakup with Jacob or his separation from Carissa, I'm not sure we would have worked. We both needed that time to deal with our own lives and come to terms with what we wanted for ourselves. With time and many words exchanged between us, we grew to be slightly less damaged. We discovered things about ourselves and found trust in one another.

What we had wasn't faultless. It was not a fairytale or storybook romance. It was as unique and flawed as we were, but it was _ours._

Edward was my forever, my life, and my happiness.

……………

That stunning diamond ring moved from the chain around my neck to my left hand sooner than I expected it would. I made that decision when I knew it was the right time, and the look of pure elation on Edward's beautiful face when he first saw it was worth the angst of my initial hesitation.

"Hey, baby," he said with a smile when he walked into the house after work that day. I was in the kitchen cooking, happily enjoying my night off work. "Where's Finn?" he asked.

"He went to the Sanders' after school. They're bringing him home after dinner."

As I reached for a jar of seasoning to add to the stir fry, Edward grabbed my left wrist and spun me around, holding my hand up between us.

"Really?" he asked breathlessly, but his excitement shined through.

I bit my lip before releasing it and offering him a beaming smile. "Yes."

He turned my hand over carefully and laid his lips over the beautiful symbol of his love. After placing my hand over his heart, he cupped my face in his warm palms and lowered his lips to mind. "My love, my life, my heart," he murmured, deepening the kiss and swiping his tongue against mine. His grip on me was hard, but infused with pure bliss. I lost myself in him, and he had to wrap his arms around my waist when my knees buckled.

Finally, we were in the same place, and it was worth the time it took to get us there.

We would love one another, and we would struggle together.

The imperfections that scattered throughout our lives would ultimately be the glue that held us together.

We would have a home, a business, a family, and a world of memories and experiences.

Through it all, we would have each other.

We had fucked up a lot of things along the way, but this time, we finally got it right.

_~The End~_


	30. Alternate Ending

Not Meant To Be - Alternate Ending

**A/N: When I wrote Chapter 1 of NMTB, the short story outline in my head did not end with Edward and Bella together. It was originally a story of Bella's journey and growth, hence the title. The fact that I was on a HUGE Theory of a Deadman kick while writing it also played a part in selecting that title. **

**Eventually, the characters developed more than I anticipated, and my outline expanded. It was then that I realized that ending that way would have made this Bella and Edward out of character. There were some other factors & conversations that influenced my decision, but you don't need to hear all those details! I have no regrets about how I ended the story because their selfish choices were a part of who they were, even if other people got hurt in the process.**

**What you'll see in this outtake is what would have happened if Bella cut off communication with Edward after moving to California. Assume that the phone call when she boarded the plane never happened. This is what would have happened if they decided _not_ to be selfish. **(Note: I actually wrote this around the same time as Chapter 10.)

**All characters, products & songs are property of their respective owners. This story is mine. Thanks to Katy & April for pre-reading.**

**Songs: Not Meant To Be – Theory of a Deadman**

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**_Before we get to the alt-ending, please take a minute to read this important info…_

**Several people have asked me about where they can find NMTB if it should ever be removed from FFn. All my stories are posted on my new personal archive found at http:// sweetdulci(dot)blogspot(dot)com . Some of my stories can be found on Twilighted, but I've chosen not to post NMTB there because it would take a long time to get it all validated (and I'm lazy like that).**

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The sparkle of the diamond on my left hand caught my eyes, and I found myself staring at it for the ten thousandth time since it was placed on my finger. Under the stadium lights, it twinkled and reflected brilliantly. It was almost involuntary to tilt my hand back and forth ever so slightly to catch its gleam.

A nudge and chuckle from beside me brought me out of my reverie, and I turned to smile brightly at my fiancé. His arm draped around my shoulder to give me a firm squeeze.

Falling in love with Adam had been easy. Easier than I ever imagined possible.

I had come back home for my ten year high school reunion, and it was the first time we had seen each other since early in college. Back in our high school years, Adam and I hung out in the same crowd. We were friends, but never more. I dated and he dated, and I honestly never thought of him that way. We were good friends, but not extremely close. We kept in contact for a while after graduating, but eventually lost touch. I really didn't stay good friends with anyone from high school. The internet, of course, gave me updates on some people, but nothing more than the superficial _"Hey, how are you?"_

The class reunion turned out to be a lot of fun, and after catching up with Adam again there, he began calling me on regular basis. I was still in Los Angeles and he was in Seattle, so it was strictly friendly at first.

We spent the first few months on the phone or email going over our lives, interests, and relationships of the last ten years. I did a little editing when it came to my last year in Washington, but all those details were better left unsaid.

Over time our friendship grew, and I found myself really looking forward to hearing from him. There was some kind of chemistry between us, but living hundreds of miles apart didn't allow for anything to develop. I couldn't be sure of my true feelings when we hadn't spent time actually together. I wanted to know, though.

The opportunity eventually came when Adam was going to be in my area on business about a year after our class reunion. We met up for dinner one night, and I knew by the end of our date that something was there. We arranged to see each other again before he left.

That day, I took him on a walking tour of some of my favorite places around the city. I can still remember the excitement I felt when he took my hand in his as we strolled together talking. Our first kiss came a few hours later.

After that, we agreed to give the long distance relationship a try. It wasn't as if we were embarking on such a serious thing with a partner we barely knew. Because of our history in our younger years, we had a special level of comfort and trust in one another. We talked constantly, took weekend trips back and forth between our respective cities, and we grew into something wonderful. We even took our vacations together in order to get some rare extended time.

Two months ago, about a year and a half after his first visit to L.A., Adam proposed. Little did I know, Emmett had purchased a location to open another Rendezvous in Seattle, and he wanted me to run it. The club already had another location in San Diego, and Emmett wanted to leave a piece of his success in his childhood home.

Since our actual face time together had been limited, Adam and I decided it was best for me to get my own apartment for the time being. We were sure about each other, but making such a big move would be enough of an adjustment for me. Moving in together right away felt a little intense, as strange as that may sound considering our engagement.

This weekend, I was in Seattle so that I could sign my new lease and check on the club before I moved for good. Adam and I had decided to treat my dad to a day at the ballpark while I was in town. He had always loved baseball, but he barely made it into the city to actually go to any games. My mom wasn't much of a sports fan, so he felt guilty dragging her along. So today, Renee was at the spa where we had dropped her off, and Charlie was here on the first base line with Adam and me.

Between innings, I got a craving for some greasy fries with vinegar and melty cheese. I told the guys I was going to head to the concessions area for some, and Adam offered to come with me.

"No, you stay here and enjoy the game with Dad. I need to use the restroom and I might stop in the gift shop, too," I told him.

He kissed me lightly before I went on to wiggle out of our row of seats.

As I exited the corridor from the stands, I saw the sign for a ladies' room. Upon coming out, I had to look all around to orient myself to my surroundings and remember where the closest food stand was. I always managed to get lost whenever I was in a stadium for a sporting event or concert.

I decided to go right, but after about fifty yards realized it was the wrong direction. I turned around to go back the other way. Few people lingered around the hall at this time during the game, but there were enough to make me feel silly and stupid for getting lost. I quickened my pace toward the gift shop, trying to hide my embarrassment from people I passed.

I spotted it in the distance, but jumped when I felt someone grab my hand from behind. For a fraction of a second, I thought Adam had come out to find me, though I hadn't been gone for too long. That was only until my brain got over the shock of surprise and registered the electrical current in the other person's touch. Despite the years that had passed, I recognized the once-familiar sensation immediately. I inhaled deeply through my nose, and I was given unnecessary confirmation.

I froze, unable to move or speak.

"Bella," he said softly.

A tingle ran from the base of my spine up to my head, covering my entire body in goosebumps and knocking the breath out of me.

I stayed that way for what felt like an eternity. It was as if my brain was pulsing inside my head. It must have only been a few moments, though, because he still held my hand when he spun me around to face him.

He was exactly as I remembered him, but obviously a little older looking, just as I was. His hair was that same beautiful mess of bronze that I had never seen on anyone since I met him. He wore my favorite smile, just as sheepish and sexy as ever. His eyes were different in a way. Not physically, but my memory never did their beautiful emerald hue justice.

"You look amazing," he said, raking his eyes over my body from head to toe. I had yet to respond or speak at all. I wasn't sure my voice would even work at this point in time. He continued to hold my hand in his, soft and tender like I remembered.

"Dad?" a youthful voice spoke in our direction. It was enough to snap me out of my daze and look at the boy. He looked to be about ten or eleven years old, and it was obvious he was Edward's son, Finn. For lack of a better term, he was the spitting image of his father. Bright green eyes, straight nose, defined jaw even as a boy. The only difference was that his long, wild hair was a honey-blond color. He looked over me peculiarly, obviously noticing his father holding my hand. Slightly behind him was a little girl who was probably three. Her hair was Edward's bronze, and it was breathtaking on her short little bob. She was a gorgeous child, almost cherub-like.

"I'm sorry, Finn," Edward said, noticing his son's confusion. "This is an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long time. Do you think you can take Analise back to our seats with Grandpa so we can talk for a bit?"

Finn sighed and grumbled, looking quite frustrated to have to tend to the girl who was clearly his little sister.

"Fine, but can I at least have money to get a lemonade and some nachos?" he asked with a huff.

Edward released my hand to fish a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet, and I immediately felt a strange sense of loss. He chuckled and shook his head as the children went off together hand in hand. Once they were out of sight, he turned back to me, smiled for a moment, and then enveloped me in a fierce hug.

Still in a bit of shock, I didn't move at first. His arms cinched around my waist, and his head bent down to press into the side of mine. I both heard and felt him inhale with his nose to my hair, and I completely lost it. My arms flew up and wrapped around him so tightly that it may have hurt, but he made no indication if it did. I buried my face in his chest and just breathed in his scent. I had missed him so badly. I wanted to fill myself up with him and make up for all the time I had gone without. He took my reaction as a sign of permission for more as one of his hands massaged up and down my side from beside my breast to my hip. His other hand went up my back, over my neck, and knotted into my hair.

"Oh Bella," he said reverently. The sound of his voice made the years between us melt away, and we were back to the way we had always been. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too, Edward," I said without thinking.

Without breaking his hold on me, he pulled back slightly and looked down at me. I tipped back and smiled.

"Your hair is different," he said as if it were the most important thing to say. "I like it."

I wondered just how different I looked to him. My face and body were more mature now. I still took good care of myself, but I knew my curves were slightly more pronounced, and my hairstyle was quite different. I now kept it just past my shoulders with simple side swept bangs. I no longer straightened it, instead styling it into the elegant natural wave it held.

No matter what changes there were in either of our physical appearances, the feeling of our bodies pressed together was exactly the same as I remembered.

I could have sworn in that moment he was about to kiss me. My sensibility and my innate need for him waged a mental war within me as I stared into his amazing green eyes – such a lovely green with a hint of ocean blue around the irises. They were one thing that time could never change.

My phone, however, broke me from the argument in my head. Metallica blasted from my pocket, bringing back to mind the most important reason I couldn't get carried away right now.

_Adam._

Edward stepped back, allowing me to retrieve my phone from my purse and answer it. He raised his eyebrows skeptically at the choice of ringtone, but I held a finger up asking him to give me a minute.

The song was an inside joke between Adam and I. Our senior year of high school, a large group of our friends went to a concert together. I got so upset that no one cared to inform me that he promised to buy my ticket for the next concert that came around. That just so happened to be Metallica, which cost him a pretty penny. It was a great time, though, and one of our favorite high school memories together.

I held the phone to my ear. "Hey babe," I said.

Edward's eyebrows dropped to a furrowed expression, and he looked a little resigned.

"_Hey Izz_." His old nickname for me. "_Charlie and I were just wondering if you could grab an extra order of cheese fries while you're out there._"

"Oh, sure. I ran into someone I know, though. I might be a little longer than I thought."

"_That's fine, sweets. Anyone I know?_" he asked.

"Uh, no," I said, looking toward Edward. He was watching me intently, so I gave him a small but genuine smile. He instantly smiled back.

"_All right. We'll be here,_" Adam replied.

Dazzled by Edward's smile, I stood there with the phone still held to my ear.

"_Izz_?"

_Oh right, I was talking to someone. Not someone. My fiancé._

"Oh, sorry. Bye, babe. See you in a bit."

I brought my free hand up to snap the phone closed, and as soon as I did, Edward grabbed my wrist and pulled it toward him. It wasn't rough, just abrupt enough to catch me off guard.

Then I understood why.

Edward was staring at my engagement ring.

I pulled my hand away and crossed my arms over my chest to hide the ring.

He gave me a weak smile. "You're engaged."

It wasn't a question, and I didn't really understand the disappointment in his tone, considering that he still wore a wedding band. _And_ had a second child.

"You have a daughter," I replied curtly.

We stared each other down for a moment, obviously both taken aback by our mutual discoveries.

Then reality hit me.

We hadn't seen each other in years. We have been over for a long time. We both knew he intended to stay married. He and his wife having more children was not unreasonable.

Thinking more clearly, I knew what needed to be said.

"I'm sorry," we blurted out at the same exact moment.

We stared at each other in surprise, and then broke out in simultaneous laughter.

"I had no right, Bella. I want you to be happy."

"I-I know. The same here. Okay?"

"Yeah."

"So…" I said, trying to break our awkward moment.

He spoke up instead. "I take it from that call you have a little time? Can we go sit somewhere and talk?"

"I'd like that," I said, smiling back at him. I knew that I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet.

We wandered past food stands, restrooms, and various souvenir kiosks until we found a coffee shop closer to one of the entrances. There were several café tables within the little cove, and we took a seat across from each other at one in the corner.

"This is crazy," he said before I could speak.

"Umm, yeah," I replied, bordering on sarcasm.

"How have you been? Tell me what you've been doing. Are you living back here?" he asked in rapid succession.

I giggled before replying.

What amazed me more than running into Edward here was the ease I felt in his presence. After all the hurt, angst, and heartache, I was completely comfortable being near him again.

"I'm great, actually." He smiled, looking me up and down again and nodding. I shook my head playfully, ignoring the thrill his attention gave me, and continued. "I've been doing the same thing, basically. I'm still working for my cousin Emmett, but I've taken on more responsibilities over the years. And I'm still in L.A., but I'm moving back soon to open up a new club in Seattle."

"And your…fiancé?" he asked expectantly. A small smile crossed his lips, but it didn't meet his eyes.

I hated that.

Seeing anything other than happiness in his eyes still hurt me.

I reached under the table and found his hand in his lap. His smile spread at my touch, and he clasped our hands together. The table was small enough that by scooting our chairs in closer, our knees fell between each other's, just like the first night we met, which made it more comfortable to hold our hands together beneath our table.

"Adam," I began. "He's great, really. I've actually known him since we were kids. We reconnected and now here we are!" I said, attempting to sound bright.

It wasn't that I didn't love Adam or want to be with him. It was just that seeing Edward again after all this time had thrown me off completely. I could still feel the passion that rolled in the air between us. Talking to him about my fiancé just felt weird.

I had never forgotten about Edward.

Every day after I made my decision to stop talking to him was difficult. I honestly could not think of a day that went by that he wasn't on my mind in some way. Some days were worse than others; some were easier. There were times I wanted to say _fuck it all_ and just call, but I never did. I had convinced myself that hearing his voice and not being able to do anything about it would only be worse.

I had dated other guys, but it still happened. It wasn't as if I compared them to Edward; he was just always in my head somewhere.

My relationship with Adam was the first thing to break the pattern that had gone on for years. I continued involuntarily remembering Edward, but it wasn't always a daily thing, and it didn't hurt quite as badly.

I couldn't chastise myself for my memories because they were a part of my story, which eventually led me back to Adam.

"So you've been together since…around the last time we talked?" Edward asked, and he seemed anxious for the answer. His question shook me from my thoughts and memories.

"What? No," I said, dragging out the last word. "It's been a little under two years now. Why did you say that?"

"I just assumed," he replied quietly.

"Why?"

His free hand raked through his thick hair, revealing his hesitance to explain.

"When I stopped hearing from you, I just figured you had found something else-" He stopped himself quickly. "Uh, found someone."

_Someone else?_

_Yeah, I caught that. I'm just going to ignore it, though._

"No," I said, rescuing Edward from his assumption. "I didn't. Not back then, at least."

"Then why didn't you call?" he asked eagerly.

His question caught me off guard. I had to glance away from him momentarily to regain my bearings.

"Edward, I had to. I couldn't distract you from your family any longer. It wasn't fair to them, so I let go. For you." I whispered my last thought.

His eyes seemed to search mine for something, and he finally sighed and nodded.

"I never forgot you. How could I?" he asked.

His face was covered in a look of pure sincerity. It made my heart rate quicken in my chest with the same rush of excitement he had always given me.

"I just thought that if you had met someone down there, you wouldn't want to hear from me," he admitted. "And I didn't want to distract _you_ from someone who could be with you the way you deserved and take care of you. Does he take care of you, love?"

His old term of endearment didn't go unnoticed, but it was another thing I ignored, even if it did make my heart skip a beat.

His heartfelt confession had caused a massive lump to form in my throat. I pushed it away and rubbed my thumb against his fingers.

"I guess we just wanted the same thing for each other," I said quietly.

"Yeah," he drifted off into a thought. "I just wish-"

"Don't," I cut him off, placing two fingers over his lips.

He brought his hand up to hold mine there, and I watched as his satiny lips puckered to kiss my fingertips, allowing them to linger before he released me. My face was immediately hot.

"Still so lovely," he said with his crooked smile. "I wish I had met you first."

I closed my eyes and shook my head at him. They were the words he had said to me many times before, but they never failed to sting. It was almost worse hearing it now after so long.

"Oh god, Bella. No. I'm so sorry. Please don't cry, baby. Please. I'm sorry." His hands had both flown up to cup my cheeks and comfort me.

"It's okay," I sniffled. Slowly, my eyes opened and I pulled his hands from my face, moving them below the table again. "It's just hard. Don't get me wrong. I love Adam, but…" I couldn't say it.

"I know," he agreed.

I took a big, quick breath and composed myself. "So you have a daughter," I said, trying to sound cheerful, but really just wanting to change the subject.

"Yeah… She was an unexpected surprise."

"Surprises usually are," I teased.

"Touché," he laughed. It was such a captivating sound. It always had been for me.

"She's been an amazing blessing to me, though," he beamed with fatherly pride.

"She's beautiful. Destined to be a little heartbreaker," I smiled.

"Don't remind me," he groaned.

"Finn, too," I added. "He's just a miniature version of you!"

"He is, but Analise is the one I'm worried about."

"It's a beautiful name," I said wistfully. "It's always been one of my favorites."

"I remember," Edward said with a knowing grin.

I stared at him blankly as he gave me a dazzling smile and nodded sheepishly.

"You didn't?"

"I may have."

"Oh my gosh, Edward. That is just…wow. How? Why?"

"Well, you're right. It's a beautiful name." His smile had morphed into its lopsided, sexy smirk. "Carissa named Finn, so it was my turn. When we found out it was a girl, I had a few names I liked, but that just kept coming to the forefront of my mind. I guess it was my way of keeping a piece of you."

"Edward…" I breathed, otherwise speechless.

"Come on now," he said in a lighter tone. "I could have named her Isabella."

I couldn't help it; I burst out laughing and used our joined hands to smack down on his knee.

That was enough to break us from our serious and heartbreaking conversation and move on to lighter subject matter. We talked for a while longer, mostly about the club and my responsibilities with the opening and management. Eventually, though, we knew we both had to get back.

I didn't want to say goodbye so soon, especially since I knew this one would be for good. It was the final parting we never got before, and I wanted to make every millisecond count. Edward didn't say it aloud, but it only took one look in his eyes to understand that he felt the same way.

We walked side by side back toward the corridors that led to our respective seats. Our arms grazed against each other casually, but the contact was not casual at all. We passed a door that led to the elevators for club seating, and he pulled me inside.

Without hesitation, Edward yanked me into a fierce embrace. It was needful, tender, and rough all at the same time. As if it were the most natural thing to do, our lips crashed into one another.

Fire ripped through my body.

Everything I knew was forgotten.

No one else in my world existed besides Edward.

Nothing else mattered.

We weren't in a stuffy hallway.

We weren't a married man and an engaged woman.

We had no past, present, or future.

We were just Edward and Bella.

I pressed my body forcefully against his muscular chest and ran my fingers through his hair. I gripped hard, pushing and pulling to get what I wanted.

His hands explored my body, touching every and any part of me he could. I relished each bit of electricity and moaned for more.

My mouth opened to him willingly, and I nearly fainted from the delicious taste. It was like I had been starving and he was my first ration. I wanted to devour and savor him all at once, desperate to give and take in this needful exchange. I gave him everything I had in that kiss, silently saying all the things that had gone unspoken for years.

His elegant fingers trailed to the edges of my jaw, caressing my skin. With a jerk, he forced my head back and broke our kiss. His mouth connected to my throat, my neck, my collarbone, and my jaw.

"I love you, Bella. I'm sorry," he said with strangled breaths against my hot skin.

"I know," I whimpered. I hadn't realized I was crying until I heard my own voice. "I know…I know…I know…"

He nodded into the crook of my neck while pausing from the attention he had given that area moments before. We were enveloped by the sounds of our own heavy breathing and muffled sobs. The intensity was palpable.

"Look at me, Edward, please," I practically begged. I moved my hands from his hair around to his face and pulled him up to me. I realized my hands were now wet. He was crying too. The redness riming his eyes only made their bright green more vibrant.

"Look at me. I need you to see me right now," I repeated.

"I'm looking at you, love. I'm here." He composed himself slightly, but there was as much desperation in his voice as there had been in my own. He leaned into me, pressing our foreheads together in that intimate bond we had shared so many times.

I nodded against him and kept my eyes steeled to his.

"Bella, I miss you. I love you. I'll miss you for the rest of my life. Oh god, I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I didn't know it would-"

"Shh," I whispered, cutting him off. "Every day. Me too. And I need you to know that I…I love you too."

I had never said it aloud before. It was a relief and an absolute heartbreak all at once.

Edward nodded against my forehead and kissed me passionately again. "Thank you," he mumbled against my lips.

Too soon – much too soon – we broke apart. Our lips slowed to a series of small kisses between more words of love, adoration, and finality.

He covered my entire face in love, and I returned every emotion with my lips against his skin as well.

Finally, we came to an unwilling stop.

I clung to his body until his hands and arms slowly detached from mine. He helped me readjust my clothes and smooth my hair, and then he ran his thumbs under my eyes to wipe off some smeared make-up. I attempted to return some order to his chaotic hair, but my efforts were fruitless. We both chuckled sadly about that.

"You should go first. Stop in the restroom and clean yourself up," he said with a regretful tone.

"Okay," I agreed. Thoughts of Charlie and Adam out in our seats helped draw me back to the reality I didn't want to face.

"Take care of yourself, Bella. I can be happy if I know you're happy and loved. I'm so sorry things have to be like th-"

I stopped him with a final, hard kiss. I kept my eyes closed for a moment when we separated.

"Please. No more," I told him. "I _know._ Believe me. I do. I just can't hear you say it again, or I might not be able to go."

"Then don't," he said evenly.

"You know that's not possible."

"I know." His voice was nothing more than a breath, empty and resigned.

"I love you, Edward," I whispered one last time. Fighting back more tears, I gave him one more quick kiss and caressed his cheek as he leaned into my palm.

Before I could lose myself in him again, I turned away and walked slowly to the door. I took one final peek over my shoulder, receiving the last beautiful crooked smile I would ever see.

"Goodbye," he whispered, and I slipped out the door.

I bit my lip. Hard.

I strained to keep every ounce of emotion inside me until I was safely tucked away in some private location.

Upon spotting a ladies' room in the distance, I practically ran to it. Once I was within the confines of the large restroom, I went to the farthest stall and locked myself inside. I slid down the wall into a crumpled mess on the floor and bawled.

My chest heaved and my cries echoed through the hollow room. Eventually, it was too much for my body to handle, and I was forced to shift myself over the toilet. My churning stomach repeated three times because once it would stop, my body would convulse again in dramatic, violent sobs. The entire process would then happen all over again. By the last time, I was only spitting rancid, foul bile and praying that the pain would just go away.

When I had both cried and vomited myself out, I reluctantly left my little stall-fortress. The woman I faced in the mirror was a complete mess.

I grabbed a huge wad of paper towels and doused my face and neck with cold water, then rinsed my mouth. When I was thoroughly dried off, I dug in my purse for a hair tie and some gum. I pulled my disheveled hair up into a loose bun and went on to repair my face. A little powder helped to calm my splotchy red cheeks. I added a bit of mascara and lipgloss, inspecting the finished product in my reflection.

My telltale red eyes couldn't really be avoided, but I couldn't hide out in the restroom much longer. I had already been gone for quite some time, and while I knew the guys were probably engrossed in the game, they would worry if I didn't get back soon.

With a final deep breath, I turned and walked out, finding a concession stand along the way. I no longer had any appetite, but I had promised to bring some food back with me. Once I had everything, I found our section and made my way to my seat.

As I plopped down next to Adam, I feigned interest in the activity on the field. "How's the game?"

"Oh, hey, sweetness. Welcome back." He took the food I was handing him and kissed the top of my head.

My dad and I exchanged greetings, and he filled me in on what I had missed. He was particularly excited because the Mariners were up by five at the top of the eighth inning.

"Did you have a nice visit with your friend?" Adam asked, looking over at me. I turned my head in his direction slightly, but didn't look directly at him. Pretending to be interested in the game was an easy enough cover.

"Oh, yeah," I nodded. "It was nice to catch up."

"Good. I'm glad."

"Mmmhmm."

A few minutes later, I could feel his eyes on me again.

"Are you okay, Izz?" Have you been crying?" His voice was laced with genuine concern, reminding me of how lucky I was to have this caring, sweet man in my life.

The mention of me crying caught my dad's attention as well. "What's the matter, Bells?"

Now that I was caught, there was really no point in avoiding their worried eyes.

"I'm all right. I just got some…sad news while we were talking," I blurted out. "Someone I knew died."

Adam immediately pulled me into a strong side hug and whispered words of comfort in my ear. Charlie looked at me with a deep frown, but didn't say anything. He had never handled bad news well.

I hated lying to them, but if I wanted to get technical, someone had died. Two someones, actually. Today, the Edward and Bella who were _Edward&Bella_ had come to an unavoidable and final end. It was as tragic and heartbreaking as any loss of life I had ever experienced. With Edward went a piece of my heart that could never be repaired or replaced, no matter how much I loved Adam.

I refused to think of my future husband as second place, though.

The simple truth was that Edward and I were just not meant to be.

No matter how much wishful thinking Edward spoke of or I thought, nothing would change.

We returned to my parents' house after the game ended and we had picked up my mom. I went to bed early, leaving the others to watch the highlights of the game on _Sports Center_ and talk about the day.

As I showered and lay in bed staring at the ceiling, my mind was in an unavoidable place. Each piece of my conversation and every touch I shared with Edward replayed in my head. If I concentrated hard enough, I could faintly feel the tingle of his fingertips on my body or taste his sweet breath on my tongue. I relished the memory of his melodic voice, knowing that, in time, it would fade.

That chance meeting today was our opportunity for the closure we never received before. It was like fate giving us our final time to say goodbye and end things properly.

As difficult as it was to accept that reality, I was grateful for it. We were both able to say the things we never had the chance to, as well as answer some of each other's questions. Neither of us really wanted to cut our communication, but we did it selflessly. Our misunderstandings turned out to be for the best in the end. We both needed to let go and focus on our individual lives instead of the affair that could never have been more.

Knowing that Edward had never forgotten about me felt amazing, though. He had told me before that he loved me and that he wished our circumstances that been different, but when we stopped talking, I never knew if his feelings had changed. I never wanted to believe he could just write me off and go on with his life without a second thought about me. There was just no way of ever knowing, even if a part of me still thought I could feel that invisible connection between us. Hearing those words from his lips healed a broken part of me.

I could move on now. I had already made my choice to be with Adam, and I knew that we would have a happy life together, but seeing Edward one last time was something that I needed. I had no doubt that I _would_ miss him, but that was okay. I didn't want to forget what we had shared, even if I was not proud of the circumstances. Once more, I reminded myself that it had brought me where I now was in my life, and that was in my proper place with Adam.

My future would be good. I was embarking on a new step in my career, and I had no doubts that it would be a successful venture. Adam and I shared our own kind of passion, and I truly loved him. It was something different, but no relationship should be the same as one in your past. We had comfort, affection, and we fit together well; those were all things that would make our marriage work well. Hopefully, that would eventually develop into a family, which I sincerely looked forward to with my fiancé.

When I looked back on my life, especially the time since college, it was hard to believe that I had experienced so many different things and been through so much. It was a roller coaster, but I wouldn't take any of it back.

As I felt sleep creeping up on me, I thought about Edward, and I said a silent prayer for him. I thanked God for creating him and allowing me to know him, even if our relationship had not been something the Lord would approve of. Edward Cullen had changed my life, and even though I would never see him again, I wanted him to be happy, healthy, and successful. I prayed for him to have all those things. I prayed for forgiveness…for Carissa's happiness…for Finn and Analise to have wonderful lives.

In hindsight, I was not sure if I _could have_ done things differently, but I was grateful for the bittersweet way that life have worked itself out.

* * *

**E/N: To clarify, in this "could have been" scenario, Edward would not have told Bella about his marriage counseling, nor would he have told Carissa that he cheated on her, so he stayed married. Bella would not have ever found out about Edward's past with Julie or Carissa. As you can see, details about Emmett's business, Bella's job, and the other characters would have been different as well. It is an alternate universe, after all =)**

**I hope that this helps you see why I chose the other outcome for the story. On the other hand, if you were among those readers who hated Edward & Bella and the fact that they ended up together, then maybe you'll prefer to consider this the real ending. Either way, thank you so much for reading.**

**Don't forget to visit & bookmark my blog/personal story archive =D  
**


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